by Lois Richer
“He’s not allowed to,” Caitlin muttered, her eyes dull. “He insisted on being here, and I’m not letting him go home early.”
“That’s for sure.” Jordan grinned to show he didn’t hold any grudges. “She likes to drag things out.”
He kept his focus on Caitlin, but didn’t miss the doctor’s narrowed eyes, or quick flash of concern. When she raised her eyebrows, he nodded.
“Caitlin, Jordan’s just about worn-out. I want him to go sit down and get a cup of coffee. Is that okay?”
Caitlin frowned, glancing from one to the other.
“You’re leaving?”
“No way. Just getting a drink. You’re not very good about sharing your ice.” Jordan grinned, patted her hand and leaned down to brush her cheek with his lips. “I’ll be right back, I promise. Meanwhile, the nurse will stay with you.”
He gave her a thumbs up and headed for the door. “What’s wrong?” he asked the doctor the moment they cleared the doorway. “What’s the matter?”
Dr. Warren sighed. “She’s not progressing at all and I’m getting concerned. Dilation hasn’t changed. According to the monitor, the baby’s heart isn’t recovering as fast as we’d like after the contractions, either. It’s probably tiring. So is Caitlin. I don’t like it.”
“What’s the answer?”
“C-section. Get the baby out and give the mom a break.” Dr. Warren’s eyes met his. “You don’t think she’ll go for it.”
“I doubt it. Caitlin likes to be in control. She can’t believe that things will be okay if she trusts someone else. I can’t imagine she’ll agree to an operation. Can we wait a bit?”
Dr. Warren shook her head, her forehead pleated in a frown.
“Not much longer. I think we should start preparing her for it. I don’t see any other way.”
“I’ll try to talk her into it, but you might just have to go ahead and operate.”
Jordan turned to go back in, his mind busy. Before he entered the room, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed his parents’ home number to update them on Caitlin’s condition. And once more he pleaded with them not to risk driving to the hospital.
“You’re getting tired, Lyn. Try to relax.” He said as he entered the room, though he knew it was a stupid thing to say as soon as the words came out. Evidently she agreed.
“Gee thanks, Jordan. Okay, I’ll just close my eyes and pretend it’s not happening. Ow!” Her fingers dug into his arm extra deep. “Sorry. Your method doesn’t work very well. Oh, I want to go home.”
He stared at the fetal monitor, willing it to speed up. A moment later her eyes opened and her gaze followed his.
“It’s taking longer for it to go up, isn’t it?” she whispered, her face growing even paler. “I thought it was my imagination.”
“The doctors are getting a bit concerned,” he told her plainly. “They’re thinking about a cesarean.”
“No way!” She puffed her way through the next pain, pinching his arm and glaring at him all the while. “I’m not letting myself be put under so I’ll be helpless to fight for this child. No way! Besides, an operation would be hard on him, too.”
“Lyn, remember what I said about trusting. God will take care of things if we trust in Him.”
“It’s so hard. Ooh.” Finally she got through the crest of it and then watched the monitor as closely as everyone else.
“I’m afraid there’s not a lot of choice, Caitlin. That baby needs to come out. Now. We’re going to take every precaution.” Dr. Warren looked stern. “We can’t afford much more time.”
Her face blanched, her big green eyes full of fear. “I’m scared, Jordan. It’ll be like in the car, black and lonely, all by myself. I can’t do that again. What if they make a mistake?”
“No one’s going to make a mistake tonight, Caitlin. Dr. Warren is the smartest baby doctor I know.”
Also the only one, but Jordan wasn’t going into that now.
“And besides, God’s in control. Isn’t He, Lyn?” Maybe if he got her to admit it, she’d relax.
“I don’t know.” She hesitated, staring up at him, never looking away as the contraction tore through her body, her voice a faint whimper of agony.
Jordan stared at her intently, allowing some of her fear to penetrate his brain. It was time to deal with this cleanly. Here and now.
“I want everyone to leave. Just for a moment.” Dr. Warren tipped her head to one side and he nodded. “Just for a minute.”
When they were gone, Jordan bent over Caitlin. He brushed his hand over her forehead tenderly, willing her to feel his love.
“Caitlin, I know you’ve had it rough. It’s been a long hard path and it’s taken a lot out of you. But you have to let the doctor help you. Help the baby. You have to face the fear, let someone else take control now. You can’t do it all alone anymore.” “But what if something goes wrong?”
“There’s always that possibility, sweetheart. But life is full of chances. You have to trust that God will do what’s right for both of you. You have to get rid of the fear now. This is no place for being frightened. This is the place to put your trust in One who knows and cares about you.”
“But to go under that anesthetic, to miss out on everything? Besides, anesthetics can slow down the baby’s heart rate.”
“I care, Lyn. And I’m not going anywhere. I love you and I love the baby. I’ll be here. I’ll be Michael’s proxy, just for a while. I’ll be here to welcome this baby into the world. I’ll make sure everything’s okay.”
“And if something happens to me, you’ll take over? You’ll look after my baby?” Her lips trembled as she uttered the unthinkable.
Jordan placed his fingers across them, stopping the words. “Nothing is going to happen while God is in control. And He is, isn’t He, Lyn?”
She nodded slowly, finally admitting it. Jordan heaved a sigh of relief.
“That’s right. And this baby is His special gift to you.”
“That’s why I don’t want anything to happen.” She looked lost and forlorn in the big, sterile room with its chrome machines glittering nearby.
“That’s why you’ve got to rely on God, to trust in Him. He’s bigger, more powerful than the doctors. He’ll take care of you both, if you’ll ask Him.”
He prayed fervently as the silence stretched between them. He could see her wrestling with the issue, trying to resolve it as she strained through another contraction. Finally she nodded.
“All right. I’ll ask Him.” She closed her eyes and prayed, voice soundless but lips moving.
He waited, willing the fetal monitor to speed up and desperately praying when it didn’t. Lyn watched too, chewing her lip until the heartbeat finally resumed, her breath whooshing out in a sigh of relief.
“Okay, I’ll let them operate.”
“God is going to get you through this, Lyn,” he murmured. His hand held hers firmly as the nurse injected a solution into the drip bag.
She whispered just before she lost consciousness, “I trust Him.”
Jordan couldn’t help a wash of relief as he watched the nurses readying her for surgery.
“Okay, let’s move. We’ve got a baby to deliver, people.” Dr. Warren patted Jordan’s hand, holding him back as the nurses rolled Caitlin out of the room and down the hall. “She’ll be fine.”
“I promised I’d be there for the baby.” He met her frown head on. “I intend to keep that promise.”
After a long pause, the doctor nodded. “Very well. I’ll let you watch. Under one condition. You don’t faint on me. I haven’t got time for a fainter. I’ve got enough to deal with.”
“I won’t faint,” he told her, following her down the hall to the OR. “There’s too much at stake.”
The nurse swathed him in baggy green clothes and then showed him where to stand.
He held Caitlin’s hand as the surgical team moved in. “I’m not going anywhere, Lyn. I’m right here.”
“She’s ready?” Dr. Wa
rren waited for the anesthetist’s nod. “Okay, folks. Let’s get that baby here. Now.”
Jordan didn’t hear anything else. He focused his prayers on heaven, pouring an unremitting barrage upward as he watched the face he loved more than life.
“Please help her now. Please. She needs this baby to affirm Your love. Keep them both in the shelter of Your arms.”
He didn’t know how long he prayed. He only became aware of the others in the room when the nurse touched his arm. He let go of Caitlin’s hand and set it gently back on the bed, reassured by the steady rise and fall of her chest.
“Here she is,” the nurse chirped, her countenance glorious. “A gorgeous baby girl.” She settled the tiny bundle in his arms, her hands at the ready in case he failed this first test.
Jordan gulped.
A girl, a tiny perfect little girl.
Michael’s daughter.
She had a patch of reddish brown hair and clear pink skin that felt delicately thin and oh, so soft when he grazed a hand over her flailing arm.
“Hello, baby,” he whispered, smiling as her tiny fingers closed around his thumb. “Welcome to our world.”
Time stood still as the baby lay in his arms. His brother’s child. Alive and healthy. Jordan whispered a thank-you to heaven at the blessed weight of her in his arms. She opened her eyes, huge blue eyes that reminded him of his brother, and blinked up at him. He thought he could see a question there.
“Your daddy couldn’t be here and your mommy’s sleeping,” he whispered. “You gave her quite a time. Anyway, I’m here to make sure nothing bad happens. I’ll always be here. Whenever you need me.” He wasn’t aware of the passage of time or the other voices in the room. All he could see was the blind trust in those precious eyes.
A flash of light obscured his vision for a moment. Then the nurse held out a picture.
“She’ll want to know you were there to greet her baby.” Her voice was soft and caring.
“Thank you,” Jordan managed to whisper. When she held out her arms for the baby, he fought the urge to keep her nestled close to his heart. “Is she all right?”
“She’s perfect. Wouldn’t you say so, Dr. Warren?”
The doctor was stripping off her gloves. She stood for a moment, watching as Caitlin was wheeled into recovery. Then her glance came back to the baby, now curled up in an isolette.
“She’s doing very well. Her color is good, her Apgar rating was high. I’m not anticipating any problems.” She laid a hand on his arm. “Caitlin is fine, too. Everything went very smoothly.”
“I’ll go sit with her until she wakes up.”
Dr. Warren followed him out. “She’s going to be upset.”
“I know.” He didn’t want to think about just how furiously angry Caitlin would be. “But you tell me, was there another choice?”
The doctor shook her head, her eyes serious. “Not in my opinion.”
“Then I can live with whatever comes. They’re both alive and that’s what I prayed for.”
She led him toward the recovery room, let him wait outside until Caitlin was ready. Then when the small russet-haired form was wheeled back to her room, Jordan sank down wearily on a stool beside the bed and took Caitlin’s small, delicate hand once more, tracing the veins that pulsed with her life blood.
“I’m here, Lyn. Waiting for you to wake up. You have a lovely daughter, sweetheart. She’s just as pretty as her mother. Come on, darlin’! It’s time to open those peepers.”
He was jolted out of his stupor by the clench of fingers on his.
“Michael? I really do love you, Michael.”
The whisper-soft garble of words stabbed him as deeply as any spear.
“I’ll still trust,” he muttered, his heart aching. “No matter what, I’ll trust in You. Even if the only woman I’ve ever loved is still in love with my brother.”
Chapter Thirteen
Caitlin allowed Eliza to lift the sleeping ten-day-old baby out of her arms. She smiled at the soft looks that covered the dear faces that had gathered around to welcome them back to Wintergreen. Maryann with her daughter Amy, Beth and Veronica, Clay, Garrett, Eliza and Stan, the girls and Jordan.
But when her gaze came to the baby, her gaze stopped there, her heart pounding at the love that swelled within. She was so tiny, so delicate, such a miracle. And her own mother hadn’t been awake to witness her arrival.
She clenched her teeth, holding the smile in place with difficulty.
“She’s such a darling, Caitlin. I can’t believe she’s finally here!” Robyn brushed a finger over the soft bloom of the baby’s cheek. “And so big! It’s a good thing you didn’t have to push her out, Caitlin.”
Caitlin smiled. “Yes, isn’t it just?” She refused to look at Jordan where he stood, leaning against the doorjamb of the living room.
“Are you feeling all right?” Olivia fluttered around her, bringing a pillow and a cover to make her more comfortable. “Is the incision still bothering you?”
“Not as much. It’s been a while now and I’m feeling much better. It’s nice to be home.” That was a lie. She felt worse than she had in months, but it would pass. Anyway, what did it matter now that Micah was here?
“That’s good. Well, come on everyone. Let’s leave the little mother to rest, now that the baby’s asleep.”
They filed out, one after the other, pressing a kiss to her cheek before they left.
“Thanks for coming. I appreciate everything you’ve done.” Caitlin smiled until they left, then sagged into her chair, relieved that she didn’t have to pretend anymore.
“You’re in pain. Here.” Jordan handed her a white tablet and glass of water. “You can keep on ignoring me all you like, Lyn, but I’m not going anywhere. I promised.”
“For the tenth time, I’m releasing you from that promise. I should never have asked it of you.”
“I didn’t make the promise to you, I made it to Micah right after she was born. And I’m not taking it back. Not ever. You can be as angry as you want, Caitlin, but I’d do the same thing again tomorrow.”
She watched as he set the tumbler and pill down on the table and ensconced himself in her armchair. The anger, all the frustration welled up inside and she couldn’t control the bitter words that poured out.
“I know, Jordan. And believe me, I’m grateful. That’s what makes it so awful. It’s just…” She gulped down the tears that clogged her throat. “I wanted to deliver Micah myself.”
He got up, crossed the room and squatted at her feet. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know you’re unhappy that you weren’t awake when she was born. It doesn’t mean anything, though. God still gave you a healthy little girl. She came through with flying colors. And you’re getting better by the day. Can’t you be happy about that?”
His hands closed around hers, warm and comforting and Caitlin felt overwhelmed with guilt. Why did she continue to harangue him when she knew it had to be that way?
That question was closely followed by a harder one.
Why did it always have to be that way? Why couldn’t anything go according to the way she planned?
“You trusted Him, just a little, and He came through for you. Micah is the richest blessing He could have given you.”
“I know.” She kept her head bent, trying to ignore the wash of feelings that flowed through her every time she saw Jordan hold her daughter. “And I love her. She’s so beautiful. She’s so fragile! I’m just a little emotional lately.”
He was as tender as any father could be, quieting her cries, singing her songs, even changing her diaper. His love for the baby shone through in everything he did, including the small kindnesses he showered on her mother.
“I haven’t thanked you for the flowers yet,” she murmured, with a glance at the gorgeous red roses that overflowed her crystal vase. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Yes, I did.” He grinned, seating himself carefully on the cushions beside her. “I love you. And I’m proud
of you. God has blessed me with the two most beautiful women in the world and I just had to share the joy.” He pressed a kiss against her forehead.
“Look at that little miracle and tell me you’re glad you had that operation. Caitlin. Please? There wasn’t anything else we could have done.”
The doctor had said the same thing the day she’d left the hospital. And Micah was a delight. Maybe it was time to let go of her anger, to give him a chance. After all, he’d stuck with her through everything. She’d been so ungrateful and he’d done so much. Why did she have to hide her feelings?
“I don’t like being railroaded, Jordan. If you’re going to stay in our lives, you have to stop being so pushy. I told you I didn’t want milk and yet you still keep pouring me a glass. Those kinds of things do not make you likable.” She smiled to show she was teasing.
“I’m already likable,” he quipped, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. “It’s just taking you longer to see it.”
She pinched his arm.
“All right!” He held up both hands. “If you don’t want milk, fine. No big deal. How do you feel about pudding?”
“Jordan!” Caitlin glared at him, but was unable to stop the corner of her mouth from turning up at his obvious caring. But then, that was the problem.
Jordan cared for her. In fact, he loved her. He’d told her far too many times for her to ignore it anymore. And Caitlin didn’t know what to do about it. Here she was, mother to his brother’s child, and he was acting as if he were the father. The whole situation was so confusing.
What do I feel? she asked herself for the twentieth time. What do I really feel deep down inside?
The answer wasn’t easy, of course. Frustration and excitement, anger and thanksgiving, tiredness and exhilaration, pain and pleasure, happy yet sad. Everything. And nothing.
It was all mixed-up, confused. But she had Micah. That made up for all of it.
Did that mean God had answered her prayers? Or was this some sort of test?
“You’re very beautiful, did you know that?” Jordan trailed a finger down the length of her nose. “Your skin glows and you look positively radiant.”
