by Lexi Ryan
It hurts to know she’s put boundaries on what we can and can’t be. It sucks to know that I’m finally willing to try a relationship, but the woman I want it with doesn’t want me. It is frustrating as hell to watch her fit with my family so damn perfectly and know she has no intention of staying in our lives.
“I had fun this morning,” Lilly says as I tuck her into a bed in the bunk room. “And when I wake up, we’ll have Thanksgiving dinner and a video chat with Nana, right?”
I nod and smooth her hair back. “That’s the plan, kiddo.”
“And if we have time, we’ll go look for Mr. Wiggles?”
I grimace. She wasn’t supposed to take her stuffed rabbit in the snow, but she did anyway, and he got lost while we were sledding. “We’ll look, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to find him.”
“We will,” she says, closing her eyes. “Mr. Wiggles won’t hide.”
Lilly rarely naps anymore, but there are exceptions for summer days at the beach and sledding days at the cabin. She was so exhausted after her big morning in the snow that she didn’t even argue when I suggested a nap.
I kiss her forehead and quietly close the door behind me before heading downstairs.
Carter and Levi are in the rec room playing Destiny on the PlayStation—the game Jake got them hooked on. They wave me over when I poke my head in, but I decline and head to the kitchen. Shay’s at the coffee pot, flipping through a magazine as she waits for it to fill.
“Where is everyone?” I ask.
“Carter and Levi are in the rec room, Brayden is in the office doing a couple of bids, because a day without work sends him into withdrawal, and Jake—” She looks around and frowns. “Where is Jake?” She shrugs. “Jake’s probably jacking off somewhere.”
“Or he wooed the neighbor girl and is banging her in the barn,” Carter calls from the rec room.
Shay snorts. “That’s highly probable.” She looks at me, then narrows her eyes. “Oh, but you weren’t looking for everyone, were you? You were looking for the hot nanny.”
“Don’t call her that.”
“She is hot.” Levi steps into the kitchen and grabs the pot of coffee Shay’s patiently been waiting on. “And she’s too young for the rest of you, so if you’d kindly back off, I do believe I’ll make my move.”
“Don’t you fucking dare.” My words come out low, and there’s far more threat in my tone than I meant to expose.
Levi’s eyes go wide and he turns to me. “Is there a reason my celibate brother wants me to keep my hands off the hot nanny?”
“Maybe because she’s my employee.”
Now Carter steps into the kitchen. Apparently everyone needs to be up in my business. “Or maybe because he already hooked up with her.”
Levi draws back to look me over. “Seriously? Didn’t she just start, like, three weeks ago? I’m impressed, big brother. Didn’t know you still had it in you.”
“Why did you tell him?” I ask Shay.
“I didn’t,” she says. “But you just did.”
“Nah, one of the guys at the fire station was talking about it. His sister-in-law was washing her hands when Ethan kicked everyone out of the ladies’ room and locked the door.” He grabs an apple out of the basket on the island and takes a bite. “And I work out with the girl who was your waitress on Nic’s birthday. She said you two had a very romantic evening.”
“Why can’t anyone mind their own business?” I sound like a defensive little bitch. “There’s nothing between me and Nic.”
“So, if there’s nothing between you, then I’m free to . . .” Levi waits, as if I’m going to give him my blessing.
“Hell no.”
“You’re a fucking hypocrite. Either step up or step aside.”
“She just got out of a bad relationship,” I say. “If she’s going to give any Jackson a chance after having her heart broken, it’s going to be me.” The words come out before I can stop them, but once they’re said, I don’t want to take them back.
The whole room goes quiet as everyone stares at me.
“You’re in love with her,” Levi says. He sounds spooked.
“Seriously,” Carter says. “I had no idea. I just thought you two were fucking around.”
I shake my head and stuff my hands in my pockets. “She’s not ready. But she will be, and I’ll be there.”
Shay’s conspicuously silent and studying me, her expression pinched.
“Unless Jake beat you to it.” Carter nods to the picture windows behind the kitchen table, and I follow his gaze to see Jake and Nic walking up the snowy hill together. They’re laughing. Clumps of snow cling to her hair, and her cheeks and nose are bright red. They both look like they’ve been rolling around on the ground.
I stare for too long, my stomach tight as I wait for him to take her hand or put his arm around her.
Levi clears his throat and nudges my side with his elbow. “I’m sure Jake was as clueless as I was. I’ll make sure he gets the message.”
“Levi, don’t . . .”
He arches a brow.
I shake my head. There’s no use asking him not to bring it up with Jake. I fucking meant what I said. “Just be discreet.”
I hear them come in the back door and shed their coats in the mudroom. It’s all I can do to keep my feet rooted in the kitchen. I want to go after them and make sure he’s not touching her. I want to stop her from throwing that gorgeous smile his way. Smiles like hers shouldn’t be wasted on the likes of my scoundrel brother. But I don’t. I stay in the kitchen, pour myself a cup of coffee from Shay’s pot, and wait for Nic to join us.
When they come into the kitchen, they’re still laughing. The tops of Nic’s ears are bright red, and she’s pulled her snow-dampened hair into a sloppy bun on top of her head. She looks gorgeous. Stunning.
“You two have a good time out there?” Levi asks, and Carter kicks him in the shin. “Ow. Fuck you, Carter.”
Nic is oblivious to Levi’s double meaning, and beams. “Jake took me out on the four-wheeler. I’ve ridden those through the mud before, but never through the snow. And then I refused to go down the sledding hill on it, so I jumped off, lost my footing, and totally rolled all the way down. I’m soaked.”
Jake meets my eyes. My annoyance is probably all over my face. “You were upstairs with Lilly, and I saw her heading back out there. Considering how clueless she is about snow, I didn’t think she should be alone.”
Nic pulls something soggy and fuzzy from the pocket of her sweatpants. “But it was worth it. Look what I found.”
“You found Mr. Wiggles?” I step forward to take the stuffed rabbit from her.
“Girl,” Shay says, “you’re going to be Lilly’s hero.”
“I couldn’t just leave him out there to freeze. No one gets left behind, right?”
Lifting my eyes to meet hers, I swallow hard. I was half right about her that first night. I was wrong thinking she’d be after a long-term relationship, but I was right in thinking she’s too sweet for me. Sweeter than I deserve. How ironic that now I want to give her all the things I was scared a girl like her would want—the family, the home, the promises.
“Thank you,” I say.
“You’re welcome.” She shivers, and her whole body shakes.
I look her over. “Nic, you’re soaked through.” Her long-sleeved T-shirt clings to her breasts and stomach, and her sweatpants sag off her hips.
“See what I mean?” Jake says. “Clueless about snow. Thinks cotton’s gonna keep her warm.”
“You need to get into some dry clothes.”
She shivers again. “I didn’t bring any,” she says, still smiling.
“She can borrow something of mine,” Shay says. She’s been oddly silent since Nic came in, no doubt because I more or less confessed my unrequited affection for Nic to my whole damn family.
“Come on. I’ll find you something to wear while I throw your stuff in the dryer.” I head toward Shay’s bedroom to raid her
closet, but as we leave the kitchen, I hear Jake say in an extra-deep voice, “Let’s get you out of these wet clothes,” and Shay giggles.
I ignore them.
Assholes.
“As soon as we get back home, we’re shopping for some winter clothes for you.”
“I thought these were winter clothes.” Nic’s shivers are nonstop now.
“Not for rolling around in the snow.” I shake my head. “And not if you don’t want my brothers ogling your breasts.”
Nicole
I gape at Ethan as he digs through the old dresser. Was the thing about his brothers and my breasts a dig at me or at them?
He comes up with a pair of Shay’s black leggings, and motions to the closet. “There are probably shirts hanging in there.” He hands me the pants, but instead of leaving or even moving to the closet, he stays where he is, his eyes roaming over me. His gaze pauses at my curves. I never thought much of my body before Ethan, but when he looks at me, I’m conscious of the round of my breasts, the dip in my waist, and the hips he gripped so tightly when we made love. My clothes are soaked from the snow, and if I’d realized before now how much they cling to my breasts and thighs, I probably would have been embarrassed in the kitchen. But I didn’t. And now, in this very moment, I’m not embarrassed. I’m half turned on and half angry.
I relish Ethan’s greedy gaze on me, and I’ve missed this the last few days. He’s made every effort to avoid it. But the thing about his brothers ogling my breasts kind of implied I wanted them to.
“Thank you for finding the rabbit.” His voice is gravelly as he lifts his gaze to mine.
I’m definitely overreacting. He’s already moved on, and I should too. “You’re welcome.”
“I was going to search for it later with Lilly. I’ve told her again and again she needs to leave him behind during outdoor activities, but she’s pretty attached.”
“I saw there was more snow coming, and I was worried he’d be buried until spring.” I smile, because suddenly having him close is making me nervous about keeping all the promises I’ve made to myself, and smiling is what I do when I’m nervous. “I’m glad I found him.”
“Me too.” He rubs the back of his neck. “It was nice of Jake to help you.”
“It was. I’d probably be even more drenched if he hadn’t.”
“Did he . . . I mean, do you . . .” He looks away. “You’re really beautiful, Nic, and my brothers aren’t blind. But if you’re going to work for me, I’m going to have to ask that you don’t get involved with my family members.”
I step back. I guess I wasn’t overreacting. My cheeks heat with anger, and I cling to that feeling. If there’s one thing I’ve been proud of since I came to Jackson Harbor, it’s that I’ve been standing up for myself. After years of being a professional doormat for the men I fell for, I love that I’ve refused to take Ethan’s shit. I’m not going to start now. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“I saw the way you and Jake were laughing together when you came up from the pole barn. You didn’t do anything wrong, but it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t make it clear up-front that—”
“You think I’m going to screw your brothers? What, like, I spread my legs for you, so it only makes sense that I’ll line them up and give them each their turn now?”
“Fuck.” He drags a hand through his hair. “That’s not what I meant. But you two were both covered in snow like you’d been rolling around together. It occurred to me that you might not understand that I wouldn’t be okay with you starting something with him. Or any of them.”
“You thought I’d been rolling around in the snow with Jake?”
A red flush creeps up his neck, but he holds my gaze. “We hadn’t talked about it. I needed to make the boundaries clear.” He steps forward and looks down at me. His nostrils flare as his gaze dips to my mouth.
Is he going to kiss me? He’s looking at me like he wants to. Do I want him to?
Hell yes.
No. I hold tight to my anger. Asshole Ethan is back. No more assholes. “I don’t understand you.”
“Really?” He brushes his knuckles over my cheek. I step away from his touch, and he drops his hand. “You don’t understand why the possibility of one of my brothers touching you would upset me?”
“Why did you invite me here if you just think I’m some slut?”
“I don’t think you’re a slut.” He looks up to the ceiling. “I don’t know what you want, Nic. I just know that you came to my house with a bag full of sexy lingerie and a giant box of condoms.”
I gape at him. I swallow hard. Once. Then again. I feel like he just eviscerated me. As if my guts are on the floor between us and he doesn’t understand why that should bother me. “And you think I want those condoms for your brothers?”
“No, that’s not what I mean. When I tried to get closer, you pushed me away, and I just . . . Fuck it.” He steps forward until he’s so close that I have to step back. But he keeps coming, and soon enough, my back is against the wall and Ethan is pressed against me, his hand on my jaw, his mouth hovering over mine. “I can’t blame them for wanting you.” His breath sweeps across my lips as he speaks. “But I’m asking you not to let anything happen.”
“Because I’m your employee?”
“Yeah.”
I don’t know how long we stand like that—my heart hammering madly, and anger and frustration filling the air between us—but when he finally brings his mouth to mine, I don’t stop him. I kiss him with all the desperation and fear I feel when I think about walking away in February. When I think about never touching him again, when I imagine mornings that don’t start with Lilly’s bright smile, my chest aches. And there’s not a single thing I can do about it.
He breaks the kiss and backs away from me, his chest heaving.
I shiver again. I’m suddenly freezing. I’m scared and lonely. I’m exhausted from carrying these emotions I’m not supposed to feel.
I’m missing a man who’s standing right in front of me.
“Thanks for clarifying, boss.” I look to the bathroom. “I’m going to take my shower now.” I walk away from him and shut myself in the bathroom by Shay’s room. I run the shower hot and strip out of my wet clothes. I step under the spray and swallow back my tears.
When I came here, I thought I’d hit rock bottom, so how on earth did I fall in love?
I press my palm to my chest and force myself to take slow, measured breaths. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. Breathe, Nic. Don’t panic. Just breathe.
I shampoo my hair, massaging the suds into my scalp and closing my eyes as I rinse it out. I’m reaching for the conditioner when I hear a knock on the bathroom door that makes me jump. I pull aside the shower curtain and stick out my head. “Hello?”
The bathroom door cracks, and Ethan steps in. “Everyone’s watching a movie in the basement, and I . . .” He runs his gaze over the shower curtain, and I don’t know if he can see my silhouette, but a shiver runs through me, turning hot and pooling low in my stomach.
He closes the door and locks it behind him. In one swift step, he’s in the shower fully clothed, his chest pressed against me, my back to the tile, his hand in my hair as his mouth lowers to mine.
Nicole
“I was an ass, and you didn’t deserve that.” He kisses down my neck as his hands slip over my wet skin. “I don’t want you with my brothers because I want you for myself. It has nothing to do with you working for me or the fucking condoms. I just know they see what I see. I know they’re smart enough to fight for you too, and it would kill me.” He pulls back and looks into my eyes, water rolling down his face. “It would fucking destroy me to have to see you with any of them when I want you with me.”
I swallow hard and try to keep myself in check, but my chest is tight—full of hope and optimism and everything else I’m too afraid to label. I trace the line of his jaw, following the path of the spray as it rolls down his neck. “I have secrets, Ethan.” I shak
e my head. “There are reasons I can’t stay.”
“We all have secrets, and I know you’re not ready. I know he broke your heart and you want to leave in February, but let me have you until then. I don’t need promises, Nic. But I want you too much. I will take anything you’re willing to give me.”
I close my eyes and lift my face to the spray. “I want you too,” I admit. “More than you know.”
He kisses me hard, and his hand finds my breast. His thumb strokes against my nipple while the other hand strokes down the side of my body. He positions one of his muscular legs between mine, giving me the pressure of his hard thigh right where he touched me on Saturday night. His mouth on my neck, the hot water, the cool tile, his greedy hands sliding over every inch of my skin—the combination leaves me breathless and whimpering for more. I rock against his thigh, and he grips my hips roughly, guiding me to rub over him again and again. Pleasure spirals through me, and I arch my neck and moan.
“Jesus. I can’t stop thinking about you,” he murmurs against my lips. “About this. You make me insane.”
I fumble with the button on his jeans, and he tries to help. We’re both too anxious, and our hands get in each other’s way as we fight to remove his wet clothes and toss them outside the shower. When he steps back against the opposite wall to finish the job, his eyes are hot on my body, skimming down and back up, pausing at my breasts, my thighs, and every dip and curve between. His lips part, and time seems to move in slow motion as he sheds his briefs. Only then can I exhale. Only when he’s stepping toward me naked with those hungry eyes can I breathe again.
He presses against me, and the cold tile is a sharp contrast to his impossible heat. He trails a hand down one thigh and under my knee and then the other, until I’m pinned between his body and the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist and his cock nestled along my slit.
“Fuck me,” I whisper. I know he doesn’t have a condom, and I don’t care. I’m on birth control, and desperate to feel him inside me. “Fuck me like this.”
