• • •
I STARED SIDEWAYS AT CASSIDY’S GIANT COLLAGE FOR AN HOUR from my spot on my pillow on my couch. At the pictures of her and Kevin at different events, at various ages. I closed my eyes. He would have never had that opportunity to be her father if Ben would have stayed, but Ben never had the chance at all.
My eyes felt so puffy and worn out, I just wanted to sleep. I wanted it to take me deep down where the fingers of sleep grab you. I’d changed into pajamas the moment I walked in the door, deciding I needed a break from everything. From Ben, from that house, from my job—although to be honest, I’d kind of already been doing that. From my family, from my life. I thought about watching TV, but I ended up lying there with the remote in my hand, never turning it on. I wanted to pass out and not dream, just sleep, so I clamped my eyes shut tight and tried to force it, but the ringing of my doorbell made me give up.
“Ugh!” I moaned out load, wondering why other people were home in the middle of the day like me. Didn’t other people have real jobs with real hours? I lay there for a minute, under the premise of maybe-they-would-go-away, but then the bell rang again.
Rolling out from under my favorite quilt, I went from knees to feet and trudged to the door, feeling twice my age and never giving any thought to who it might be. Honestly, with my luck lately, I figured it would be Kevin again.
I unlocked the latch and opened it without looking out the window, and then stood there wishing for sexier pajamas when it was Ben.
“Hey,” I said.
I felt every nuance of the word as I forced my tongue around it. Because he wasn’t just standing there. He was standing there with one arm leaning on the house, looking like he might fall over if he didn’t. His expression was hard and intense and raw, but worn out, as if he’d fought himself to come over. His eyes panned my red flannel pj’s, and I held my chin up anyway.
“Were you asleep?”
Was I asleep. “I decided to take a day off, too,” I said.
He nodded slightly but fixed his eyes on mine and didn’t say anything. I gripped the door handle in my left hand and squeezed to help the anxiety.
Finally, his eyes closed, as if he were struggling with something. When he opened them, the look pierced right through me. “Em, I don’t want to waste any more years,” he said, the words barely making sound.
All the air went out of me, and tears instantly filled my eyes. Again. Damn it. Shut the door, my brain said. Close it, and walk away. Don’t listen. Don’t say a word.
I didn’t. I didn’t say anything, I just walked into his arms and wrapped mine around him, inside his old blue jean jacket. It was warm and familiar, oddly enough, and as I buried my face in his chest, I felt him take a long, deep breath. He pulled me tight against him, lowering his face to my hair and whispering my name.
I felt the kisses in my hair, soft and moving toward my face as his hand wound into my hair and held my head. All the reasons not to be there were waving in the back of my mind, but it felt so right, so normal to be in his arms like that. We fit into each other perfectly, and suddenly I couldn’t let go. I wanted to stay wrapped up in him forever.
I hadn’t opened my eyes. I was a little afraid to—afraid of what I’d see. Scared of seeing my own anxiety reflected in his eyes. Of seeing the raw everything that we were, exposed again. But as he trailed his lips down my forehead to my nose, and pulled back to look at me, I had to look.
And the tears in his eyes did me in. I broke.
“Ben,” I whispered, brushing his lips with mine.
Both of his hands cradled my head as he kissed me back. Teasing my lips once, twice, three times. On the fourth, I pulled him against me and he made a rumbling sound deep in his chest as he deepened his kiss and claimed my mouth.
I felt that kiss in the soles of my feet.
His kisses make your clothes melt off. Oh, I had the feeling they were about to. It was so slow and delicious, like he was tasting everything, memorizing my mouth. I didn’t know about my clothes, but the rest of me melted into him. When we finally came up for air, breathing like we’d just run a marathon, his hands shook. He traced my cheek, my lips, but his eyes never left mine.
“Probably—should come inside,” I managed, vaguely aware that we were on my porch.
He picked me up off my bare feet and walked into the house, with my arms around his neck and my fingers in his hair. He kicked the door closed and let me down slowly, letting me slide down his body. That was it.
I was on fire for him. I pulled his face down with me and kissed him with all the passion I had burning inside me. Everything that had lain dormant for the past twenty years came raging to the surface. Ben responded the same, diving deep and aggressive. When he pulled his mouth away, he trailed down my jawline, down the side of my neck, moving my hair aside to taste the skin toward the bottom. I moaned at the sensations his tongue sent sparking through my body, and I twisted my fingers in his hair.
“Mmmm, Ben—”
He unbuttoned one button at a time, following each opening with his mouth until he was kissing between my breasts. Then I was off my feet and wrapped around him, his hands holding my ass. I could feel him hard against me, and I locked my legs around him tighter. I was out of my mind with desire for the man who’d made me crazy with love the first time.
He made a growling noise deep in his throat and turned and pinned me against the wall, pushing hard between my legs and making me gasp and wrap my legs tighter. “Where’s your bedroom, Em?” he said, his voice ragged.
I pointed, and he walked there, carrying me until he laid me on the bed and came with me, pressing his body against mine as his mouth ravaged mine and his hands went on the move.
Mine did, too. Gone were the jacket, the flannel shirt, the T-shirt. I made easy discard of them, wanting skin against skin as he freed my top, peeled off my pj pants in one movement, and came back up slowly, kissing his way up my thighs.
“Oh, God, Ben,” I moaned, arching my back as he lingered torturously before working his way back up past my belly to my breasts, which he then made love to with his mouth till I was nearly begging.
He traveled back up to my face and kissed me, soft and then hard, soft and then hard, over and over till I rolled him over and worked a rhythm against him. He moaned my name and grabbed my ass as he moved with me, his eyes heavy and full of heat. It was erotic and primal and nearly put me over the edge, but I wanted the full show. I kissed down his chest, to his stomach, unzipping his jeans as I moved lower. He grabbed my head and made a sound of ecstasy as I licked my way down till he was free of restraint and in my mouth. He was huge and ready, but I teased him with more, dragging a nipple along the length of him as I crawled back up slowly and rubbed him against me until we were both shaking with need.
“Em—”
“I want you so bad,” I breathed, sliding down over him and catching my breath as all my muscles went taut. “Oh my Go—”
He made a long moan and dug his fingers into my hips, moving me how he needed me to move. I was done for. It had been far too long since a man made me feel like that, and all I could do was hold on to him and hope I didn’t pass out from lack of oxygen. I was going over the edge as he shoved up deeper. I was going—
“Ohhh!” I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. He pumped harder and all I could do was cry out in some crazy voice, as I heard him build up a roar of what sounded like pain if I hadn’t been watching his face.
My name never sounded so good as it did being forced through his clenched teeth in the throes of orgasm. Again. And again.
I fell onto his chest as we both heaved in air and waited for the blood to return to our heads. And just when I thought I couldn’t be surprised anymore, he grabbed me tight and flipped us over so that he was on top, smiling down at me.
“Wow,” I breathed.
; “Impressed?”
“Kinda. Especially since you’re not even breathing hard anymore,” I said, huffing.
He chuckled and moved the hair out of my face. “Well, I guess I recover quickly.”
“I’m a little out of practice, sorry.”
“Oh,” he said, shaking his head. “If that’s out of practice, you’re doing just fine.”
I smiled and closed my eyes, still in my basking place. “That was—”
“Amazing,” he finished for me, as he kissed my nose, my cheeks, and found his way to my lips again. “Hot, sexy—”
“Mmm, oh, yeah,” I agreed.
“Better than the roof?”
I chuckled. “I don’t know; that had its own special touch.”
“I don’t think my bones could handle that now,” he said.
I moved my hands along his shoulders, up to his face. “I think your bones do just fine.”
His fingers were in my hair, playing with the strands, and his eyes were playful. “Well, now that the crazy monkey sex is out of the way, we’ll see how well they hold up.”
“Oh?”
“Oh, yes, ma’am,” he said, dropping a kiss on my lips. “See, I’m taking a little break, here.”
“Uh-huh.”
Another kiss. “And then I’m going to make love to you very slowly.”
“Mmm, sounds good.”
Another kiss. “And then I’m gonna take a little longer break.”
I giggled. “Mm-hmm.”
“And then that one’s on you.”
“Really?”
“Yep, your choice.”
I kissed along his jawline. “And if it’s on the swing in my backyard?”
He looked down between us. “I think I just got hard again.” We both laughed, and his eyes were warm. “I don’t care how we do it, I just want to see your face.”
Something in that simple sentence froze me, brought me back to reality, and he must have sensed it because he leaned back to look at me. I know he saw it in my eyes, the fear behind the desire.
“What?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“No, there was something. The whole room changed temperature.” He caressed my cheek with his thumb. “Talk to me. What did I say?”
I looked in his eyes. “The—seeing my face thing. It’s stupid, I know, but it brought me back. You said that then—”
Realization dawned. “Emily, let me tell you something.” He moved off me and lay to my side, on one elbow. “I made a mistake back then. One that cost us.” He closed his eyes for a second like he physically felt the pain. “When I leave here today, I will be back. And the time after that. And the time after that.”
A sinking feeling joined the celebrating one in my gut. Cassidy.
“For whatever reason, we’ve been given a second chance,” he said, pulling me up close to him. “I’m not blowing it.”
We can’t have a second chance, my brain screamed. But everything else was making a much louder noise. My heart pounded in my ears. “I love you.” I froze as I said it, surprised that it fell out of my mouth like that.
His eyes misted a little, and that got me even more. “I’ve always loved you, Em.”
• • •
BEN DIDN’T LEAVE THAT DAY AT ALL. OR THAT NIGHT. EVERYTHING was an opportunity. Making something to eat created a new perspective on my kitchen counter. Watching TV on the couch gave it new love. Showering—well, let’s just say we took a few. We never did make it to my swing, but I figured there was time for that.
I watched him sleep, as I woke up and couldn’t get enough of seeing him lying next to me. I wanted to take a picture to keep with me, to prove I didn’t imagine the phenomenal day and night we’d just experienced. To hold on to this image of the man who could still give me goose bumps just lying in my bed. I wanted to believe in what he kept saying about fate and second chances, but he didn’t know what I knew. I just couldn’t trust that it had staying power. Not with the giant wrecking ball looming over our heads.
What would happen if the truth were found out? Or when. Because life was never that simple and it shouldn’t be. The truth would come out, sooner or later, if Ben and I remained together. And there really wasn’t an if there, either. I was madly in love, again. I was everything I’d tried so hard not to be.
It was that damn house’s fault. Because that was logical.
What would happen to Cassidy if she found out that the man she’d always called Dad—wasn’t? They had their differences, but still, she loved him. Kevin adored her—it would crush him. And Ben—what would he say? How would he feel? I knew that answer and I pushed it away.
Ben stirred in his sleep, and I used the opportunity to curl up against his warmth. His body responded without ever waking up, a rumble of contentment in his chest as he pulled me to him, our bodies fitting each other perfectly.
• • •
THE NEXT TWO DAYS WERE A BLUR OF WORK AND SEX. I HAD showing after showing after closing after contract signing, which was a good thing after all the downtime. Every other waking moment—and the non-waking ones, too—were spent naked. Ben was insatiable, and I have to admit that my sex drive had skyrocketed. I remembered hearing about the mighty Ben Landry’s sexual prowess when we were young, how he spoiled women for any other men. I was definitely spoiled.
But it was more than that. I knew the sex would calm down with time. I had my best friend back. The one I could talk to without reservation and listen to his voice forever. That was the good stuff.
I pulled up to Mom’s house late one afternoon, just as the sun was disappearing behind the trees and the sky looked sleepy. I’d spent an entire day dragging one particularly picky couple all over the county to find the perfect window lighting. Of course, the lighting changed throughout the day, so what they nixed in the morning was the one they loved in the afternoon. I joked that they could just sleep in every day, but I don’t know that they were normal enough to find that funny.
I parked behind Ben’s truck, feeling the giddy tingle in my stomach at the thought of him in there. Holly drove up just as I got out.
“Where’ve you been?” she asked, lugging some foldable boxes out of her backseat.
“Working.” I held up the bag of fast-food remains I’d chowed in the car. “And eating.”
“That stuff is so bad for you,” she said.
“So is starving,” I said defensively. “It was necessary. It was a long day.”
She got a wicked grin on her face, kind of foreign for Holly. “Mm-hmm, I bet.”
I looked at her funny as I took some of the load off her and we walked up to the porch. “What?”
“I saw Ben’s truck at your house last night,” she said, all singsong-y.
Everything went hot from my shoulders up. I wasn’t quite ready to share it yet, but clearly it was going to be shared anyway. And just as I was about to make it sound all talky-talky and noncommittal, Ben opened the front door.
“Saw you coming,” he said, holding it open wide for us to maneuver her boxes in.
The look that passed between us did not go unnoticed by Holly. And I couldn’t deny it, either. There was nothing noncommittal about what I wanted to do with him right there in the entryway. And it wasn’t even just a sexual thing. I saw the whole package from our whole lives when I looked in his eyes, and it had little to do with the way my skin tingled thinking about the night before.
He closed the door and went back to his work, but my smile couldn’t be pulled back.
“Oh my goodness,” she said, leaning the boxes against a wall. “You got laid.”
“Shhh,” I said, my head on a swivel, although a giggle came up like I was fourteen.
Holly laughed, too, and shoved at me. “Mom’s outside with
Aunt Bernie, picking up sticks.”
“Why?”
Holly did a weary shrug. “You know Mom and her leaf and stick fetish.” She lowered her voice. “So what changed this around?”
I put my hands over my face. “I don’t know. Being weak, I guess.”
“That dance the other night at The Grille—”
“Yeah, that—probably didn’t help.”
Holly laughed again. “So, what now? Are y’all, like, dating?”
I opened my mouth to answer and then realized I had no idea what to call it. “I think we kinda skipped that step.”
Her eyes got wide. “It’s that serious.”
“It’s—that serious.”
We looked at each other, both realizing the implication of that, which took the levity down considerably.
“Does he know about Cassidy?” she asked, to which I shook my head. She bit her lip and nodded. “Okay then.”
“I know,” I said. “I don’t sleep anymore, thinking about that. Mom knows, by the way.”
“Oh, shit.”
I held up a hand. “No, it was okay. When I had my little nervous breakdown that night—she guessed.”
Tandy pushed through the doggie door flap and did her huff-and-puff routine at us before settling into her bed with a glare.
“You have no idea how sucky your life is about to get,” I said to her.
“So what did she say?” Holly asked, bringing my attention back to her.
“Not much, really,” I said. “She didn’t get upset.”
Holly snickered. “Well, at this point, Ben’s got more brownie points than Kevin.”
“True.” I shook my head, chuckling in spite of myself. “That’s horrible.”
“Well,” she said, taking in the empty living room and the just-enough-to-get-by kitchen. “Off to clean my room, well, as much as I can around Aunt Bernie’s stuff.”
And off the subject, per classic Holly.
I didn’t know what I was there to do, actually. Maybe watch Ben work? No, that would be juvenile. My room was done, and I had no desire to go back to verify that. Not that there was anything else to beat me up with in there, but I wasn’t taking the chance.
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