****
Five weeks later…
Audra
“Here’s your coffee, honey.”
I smiled up at Carol, taking the mug from her. Carol had been my angel during the weeks of my recovery, the surgery, the healing, the grieving, because, yes, I’d also had to deal with losing Hawk. In the beginning he hadn’t left my side, sitting at my bedside and holding my hand for two weeks as I slowly healed and regained my strength. But something had felt off, different. He’d been quieter than usual, and when he did speak he seemed to choose his words carefully, and he avoided my eyes. I felt him withdrawing from me, but tried to convince myself that I was imagining it because he was there, by my side, where I needed him.
Once he’d been assured that I would make a full recovery and the day finally came for me to be released from the hospital he’d broken my heart and kissed me goodbye. Well, not exactly in that way. First he’d explained in carefully chosen words just why we weren’t going to work out. And while I knew it was bullshit, I’d sat there and listened to every word, unwillingly accepting that he might be right.
I chalked up my compliancy to the situation and the drug-induced calm that I was floating in. In time the meds wore off and my thoughts cleared, making room for other emotions, anger being at the tip of the list, but Hawk hadn’t been around to take it out on.
Yes, he’d arranged for Carol to come and take care of me, had given us the use of his home for as long as I needed it, and had arranged for round the clock protection so that he could stay away. During my two week stay in the hospital he’d been there, in body if not in spirit, and the minute I was released Carol had flown in. That had been three weeks ago, and I knew she needed to get back home. Her husband was going to be understanding for only so long. Plus, I was back to a hundred percent.
Almost.
Time would fade the scars.
But not my broken heart.
I wasn’t exactly sure what I felt for Hawk, but I knew it was intense and all-consuming. As he’d withdrawn from me I’d watched helplessly as he put up walls again, surrounding his heart with stone, guarding his emotions. He hadn’t said it, but I’d known I’d come close to dying, and that was the problem. Hawk was tough, hard as nails, brutal at times, but he didn’t want to deal with the reality that was life. Nothing was guaranteed and people came and went, leaving you to grab what happiness you could.
Yes, I’d almost died. But I hadn’t, and while I sat there in that hospital bed, listening to him tell me that I’d be safer by going away, that he didn’t deserve me, I’d wanted to scream and throw things. I should have been the one running, not him.
“You’re thinking about Hawk again, aren’t you?”
I glanced up at her sympathetic smile. “I’m going to rename you ‘Angel’,” I said, taking a sip. “I don’t know what I would have done without you these last few weeks. Thank you for coming.”
She laughed softly and sank down onto the lounger next to me. “That’s what friends are for.” She took a cautious sip of her coffee. “And don’t change the subject.” I shrugged. There was nothing I could say to that. “So, have you made a decision on what you’re going to do?”
I thought about Carol’s offer to come and stay with her and Craig for a while. They had an empty garage apartment. It sounded like a good plan, but I wasn’t ready to accept that Hawk wanted me gone. I was holding on to the stupid thought that he’d only been saying things that he thought I needed to hear, and that I could somehow change his mind. I hadn’t been back to the club, not because he’d told me not to, but because I was too weak to argue with him. Those days, along with the healing of my face and body, were gone now, and I felt ready to face him.
“Not until I face Hawk one last time,” I finally responded, knowing that Carol wouldn’t like my decision. “I just need to see him one last time, to−”
“God, honey, you’re a glutton for punishment.”
“Stubborn,” I said with a smile.
Like him.
“Don’t you think you’ve been hurt enough? First Dane, and then the incident with that cop? Seems like this bike club is bad news.”
Carol was right, I knew she was, but it didn’t dim my fierce need for Hawk. I felt complete with him, but how would I ever know if we were meant to be together if he didn’t give us a chance? Maybe I should just leave with her and start my life over. Forget that any of this happened, acknowledge that it was just a hiccup in a brief chapter of my life, convince myself that the scars I had were from normal surgeries, like appendix removal or something. Maybe I didn’t want to see what was right in front of me.
“I have to know, Carol. Even if I end up getting hurt, I have to confront him one last time. He’s had three weeks to think about what happened—”
“And he hasn’t been here once, honey,” she said in a gentle tone. “It’s obvious he thinks it’s better this way. Maybe he’s doing you a favor. You going to him and forcing the issue could backfire.”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. “Why do you have to be so damned sensible?” I whispered. I was not going to cry.
“One of us has to be.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “Now, do I make two plane reservations?”
I nodded. A little later I heard Carol get up. She must have thought that I fell asleep. But I was thinking about Hawk, and I couldn’t leave without seeing him at least to thank him, and to say goodbye. Yeah, that was a good excuse to see him. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t thank the man for saving me?
Who was I kidding?
I was going to fight for us.
Chapter 27
Audra
I slid off the back of Painter’s bike, a little nervous about what my reception was going to be. Painter hadn’t wanted to bring me to the clubhouse, but I’d given him an ultimatum that either he did or I’d walk. He’d cussed and stomped around, and I got a good distance away from Hawk’s house before he pulled up beside me, shaking his head.
“Either way Prez is gonna kill me for you being on the back of my bike,” he grumbled, offering me a hand to get on his bike.
I’d smiled then, but I wasn’t smiling now. I knew that Hawk was inside because his bike was parked in his usual spot. What I wasn’t expecting to see was the sight that greeted me when Painter opened the door and led me inside. I halted abruptly by the door, my gaze instantly landing on Hawk and Sid at the bar.
I came to a halt right inside the door.
They say jealousy is the color green, but I was seeing red. Hawk was on a bar stool and Sid was straddling him in her usual naked state. She was gyrating against his crotch, lifting her breast in front of his face and licking her nipple. I stopped breathing, my gaze frozen on them. I was vaguely aware that the noise had quieted down as heads turned my way, including Hawk’s. He didn’t show any surprise at seeing me, and I wondered if he’d been warned that I was coming. Painter could have easily made a call.
Sid’s smirk made me think of the Cheshire cat. She was clearly in her element and enjoying every second of it. Slut! Knowing what she was didn’t make it any easier to see her on Hawk’s lap. I knew that she and Hawk had a history, and I couldn’t believe that he’d gone back to her so soon. The thought of him fucking her made me physically sick and angry beyond belief.
I knew immediately that I’d made a mistake coming here.
“What the fuck you doing here?” Hawk barked. Sid laughed, rubbing her breasts against him.
“I, ah, I—” I couldn’t find my words as I tried to wrap my head around what I was seeing. An invisible knife was twisting in my heart.
“Didn’t I make myself clear the last time we talked?” he asked in a hard voice. “It’s over, babe. Get as far away from me as you can, you’ll be safer, and so will my club. My life isn’t for you.”
“I’m so glad you cleared that up for me, Hawk. You’re a real jerk, you know that?” Snickers followed my remark. “What makes you think I need help making decisions about m
y life?”
“You need to leave.” That he was furious was obvious.
“So you keep saying. Are you sure this time? Because you seem to have trouble making up your mind about whether you want me or not.” Oh, that pissed him off, because he knew it was true. I stood my ground, even though I was crumbling inside.
“Maybe we should show her you’ve moved on, huh, baby?” Sid suggested in a tone dripping with sugar. She put her long nail tipped fingers on his face and turned him toward her.
I wanted to scratch her eyes out. I watched, her intentions obvious as she puckered her red lips. If he kissed her it would be over, I knew there’d be no getting over that. I wasn’t aware that I was holding my breath until Hawk turned his head at the last minute and Sid’s mouth grazed his cheek. Thank God!
I wanted my lips to be the only lips he kissed.
I wanted to fucking cry but forced the urge down, biting my bottom lip until pain forced me to straighten my spine. I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. There’d be plenty of time for that later, and right then I wouldn’t give either of them the satisfaction. Besides, I was too damned angry to cry. First he’d claimed me, and then he’d dumped me, giving me no say in either matter. I glanced around the bar at his men, their eyes were filled with a mixture of compassion, disgust, and humor.
Compassion because they understood.
Disgust because they didn’t agree with what Hawk was doing?
Humor because some of them liked a good show.
“Maybe I should show you that I can move on just as fast.” It sounded like a pitiful threat but I didn’t care. The way I figured it, I could do one of two things-run the other way, or give tit for tat. I decided that Hawk needed a taste of his own medicine. He was about to learn how it felt to be discarded, as if he was unimportant. “You know Hawk, you’re not the only one who can turn your emotions off like the flip of a switch.”
I watched his eyebrows furrow, his eyes narrow. He knew something was going to happen, but he didn’t know what.
I knew I looked hot. I’d dressed for him, borrowing a short, denim skirt and pheasant blouse from Carol that revealed my shoulders. My hair was piled up in a messy bun, big hoop earrings dangled in my ears. I’d put on just enough makeup to smooth away any remnants of my attack.
I sashayed myself over to Clay, where he sat at one of the tables. He was obviously in a poker game.
“Don’t do it,” Hawk growled in a threatening tone that only made me want to do it even more. He must have guessed what my intentions were. I didn’t let his gruff tone stop me. “I’m warning you, Audra.”
I paused by Clay’s chair, but turned my attention to Hawk. “Fuck you, Hawk,” I said, putting every ounce of feeling that I could into those three words. “You have nothing to say about what I do anymore. If I want to sit down on Clay’s lap and fuck him right here and now I will.” I didn’t know what I was saying. I would never have done something like that. I ran my fingers through Clay’s hair, watching his eyes widen as I sank down onto his lap. I knew that I was playing with fire, knew that I was tempting the beast to lose control, and I wanted him to lose control. I was on a quest now to see how far I could push him before he snapped.
“Hell no!” Hawk’s voice boomed. Sid let out a shriek when Hawk stood, dumping her off his lap.
I turned to look at Clay. He gave me a wink that told me he knew what I was about. “Careful you don’t get in too deep, little girl,” he said in a low, amused tone.
The next thing I knew Hawk grabbed me by the arm and hauled me to my feet. “I told you to leave.” He was breathing like an enraged bull. “No one wants you here. I don’t want you.”
I don’t want you.
His words cut like a knife. They sounded so sincere, and I faltered with indecision for a second. The look on Hawk’s face backed up his hateful tone, and I couldn’t help thinking that maybe he was over me. That maybe I’d misinterpreted the reason he’d ended things between us in the hospital. All of a sudden I felt defeated and sad, still holding out hope that my actions with Clay would force Hawk to realize that he felt more for me and couldn’t turn me loose.
All I’d proven was that he didn’t even like me.
As I stared into his strong, chiseled face, tears filled my eyes, but I decided I’d get through this with some dignity and straightened my shoulders, forcing a little smile on my mouth. “Well, I guess that says it all. I want to thank you, Hawk, for everything. I hope you can find someone who’ll make you happy one day.” I barely recognized the husky rasp of my voice. I was about to break into a thousand tiny pieces and figured I had about ten seconds to get out of there. “I’ll leave Carol’s number at your house. As soon as you let me know what I owe you, I’ll see that you get it.”
“Don’t leave any fucking phone number or address, let’s just call it even. Besides, the trouble you brought us paid out in the end.”
I wasn’t sure what Hawk meant by that, but there was nothing else for me to say. “I guess that’s it then.” I paused, reluctant to leave. His message couldn’t have been any clearer. He was done with me. “Take care, Hawk.” I wasn’t sure if he heard me, but I didn’t care.
I turned and left before he could see my tears.
****
Hawk
I was a real prick for treating Audra that way, but it was for the best. She’d be better off without me. Safer. As soon as Painter had called saying they were on their way to the club I’d set the scene to cause the most damage. The look on her face when she’d seen Sid gyrating on my lap like a bitch in heat would haunt me. In a heartbeat, I’d destroyed anything she’d felt for me, including her trust. Her anger hadn’t surprised me, but the sadness in her eyes had ripped through my fucking heart.
I’d done the one thing I’d swore I wouldn’t do to her. I’d hurt her.
I hadn’t laid a fucking finger on Sid before today. No one got to me like Audra, and her fucking tight little body. I didn’t want anyone else but her. My dick didn’t want anyone but her, but he was going to have to get used to her being gone. The situation with Fuller had come out of nowhere, and I hadn’t been able to protect her. Fuck, Winthrop had gotten his hands on her, too, thanks to a brother’s betrayal. Yeah, she would be much better off without me in her life.
“You’re an asshole, brother.”
I’d been waiting for Rock to come over and say his piece. I knew how he felt. He’d done the same thing to a woman years earlier and had expressed regret over it, especially once he’ learned that he’d sent her away pregnant with his child. He’d made an attempt to work it out but she’d simply disappeared. The incident had shaped him into the mean, cold bastard that he was today.
Releasing a heavy breath, I nodded my agreement and finished off my beer. Sid moved to take up where we’d left off, and I pushed her away. She stumbled off with a huff, but she knew the score.
“What, not gonna defend yourself?” he asked gruffly.
I shrugged. “I had my reasons.”
He gave me a long, hard look, making me wonder how far he’d go before I had to hit him. “You know, brother, I’ve been wondering something.”
“What’s that?”
“Why you feel that you don’t deserve happiness. You let one woman destroy you, and another, a good woman, comes along and you throw her away. I’d never have pegged you for a fucking martyr−”
I’d heard enough. I punched Rock right in the mouth, hard enough for him to swing around and slam to the floor. With fisted hands I glared down at him, watching him wipe the blood away with the back of his hand. Damn if there wasn’t amusement in his eyes as he looked up at me.
“Don’t get up,” I warned.
“I, more than anyone, know that you’re making a fucking mistake, brother. That girl’s been through hell, and she still came back for you. That should mean something.” He didn’t move from his spot, but I knew it wasn’t because he was afraid of what I’d do to him. Knowing Rock, he wanted to make sure he s
poke his mind before I busted him in the mouth again. “How many brothers have lost women because they ran?”
Someone snorted and I looked around the room. “How many of you brothers sent a woman packing because you didn’t want her hurt?” We all had our reasons for not wanting old ladies. A few brothers shrugged, but no one owned up to anything. I glanced smugly back at Rock.
“They left scared.” Christ, he wasn’t backing down. “I don’t see your woman running away scared. Pissed maybe, hurt, but not scared. If I had a woman like that−” He stopped abruptly and we both knew why.
“Then you go after her,” I snarled, wondering why we were even having this discussion. “Women are only good for one thing, brother, and they all have tits and pussy.” I’d actually used to believe that shit.
“Well, since you feel that way, maybe I will. I bet she tastes real sweet, too. Is her pussy as red as the hair on her pretty little head?”
Phantom Riders MC - Hawk Page 27
