by Nikki Ashton
I knew that Bonnie was right in everything she thought I should be feeling, but she was wrong. Since I’d been here, since I’d set eyes on Jesse, the pain at losing Dean and what we’d planned, felt like a tiny scratch on my heart, not the searing pain that I would expect to feel.
“It doesn’t hurt like it should,” I explained. “I think I was in love with being in love. Dean was my best friend, and I miss that about him, but we weren’t even intimate, Bonnie. I never had that physical connection with him.”
“And you think you do with Jesse?”
There was definitely a physical attraction, but a connection? Yes, we were compatible in the sense that the sex had been amazing, but I wasn’t sure Jesse could connect with anyone who wasn’t Melody on an emotional level.
“I don’t know. I’m attracted to him, have been since I saw his grumpy self at the airport.” I smiled as Bonnie’s laugh tinkled in the quiet kitchen. “But I know he can’t give me anything else. He told me that.”
“You hoping he’ll change his mind?”
I shrugged. Shit, who was I kidding? Of course I was.
“You’re a beautiful girl, Millie, and if Jesse could wake up to the fact that his life needs to go on, and stop mourning a woman who wasn’t all that, I’d say ‘you go get my boy’, but,” she said with shake of her head, “I don’t see when that’s ever going to happen.”
She was being totally honest with me. She wasn’t warning me off her son because she was a lioness protecting her cub. She was warning me that her son was broken and nowhere near ready to heal.
“I could be wrong, and you may just be the woman who shows him that his blood still pumps through his body and that his heart still beats hard. I sure hope so, honey, but I don’t want to see you hurt any more than you already are, I truly don’t.”
A lump formed in my throat as I considered Bonnie’s words, and I knew that I had to let the idea of Jesse and I go. The next ten and half months were going to be hard, but I’d had crushes before and they’d soon disappeared once someone else had caught my eye. Maybe this with Jesse would be the same. My heart sank at that thought, because I knew it wouldn’t. There was no one else around here who would catch my eye, and honestly, I knew that my feelings for Jesse had gone way beyond the crush stage.
“Thanks, Bonnie,” I said, standing up from my seat. “It was good to talk.”
“Don’t bottle things up,” she replied. “You talk to me any time, okay?”
I nodded. “Yes, I will. I’d better go and get dressed before Addy wakes up.”
Bonnie gave me a nod and as I passed, she took my hand again.
“Never lose hope though, honey.”
Hope was all I had, because I certainly had no pride left.
Jesse
“Hey, Jess,” Brandon called to me as I wrestled the calf to the ground.
“What?” I snapped.
“That one’s already been done.”
Brandon nodded towards the rear end of the calf and I saw that he was right; there was the Connor Ranch brand in pride of place.
“Fuck,” I groaned and let the calf struggle to its feet and run back to its mother, happy not to have the hot brand near its ass again.
“What the hell is wrong with you today?” Brandon asked, punching me lightly in the shoulder. “You nearly took your fucking head off with that over hanging branch you didn’t see, you’ve hardly said a word all morning, and now this. You need to get laid or something?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “Something like that.”
He was right, I did need to get laid-the real problem was by who. I’d had little sleep the last two nights. My boner had kept me awake on the night that Garratt had come home unexpectedly. I’d been so damn ready to repeat the previous night with Millie; fuck my warning to her. Then my little brother had gone and spoiled it by turning up. Last night hadn’t been much better; it’s not comfortable trying to sleep with a dick as hard and straight as a lightening pole.
I’d managed to keep busy all day, breaking in Turner Carlisle’s horse, but then we’d all had dinner together. As soon as I’d come down stairs from my shower I saw her dancing around the living room with Addy, while Garratt clapped along to the music coming from the radio. Her long black hair was down, her smooth, silky shoulders were bare and were a gorgeous golden brown from the sun. She was wearing a pale blue sun dress that, when she stood in a certain spot, the light through the window made it see-through and I could make out the outline of her gorgeous long, toned legs. Instant fucking boner once again.
As soon as Addy saw me, she ran up to me and begged me to dance with them. Millie said she was tired and flopped down on the couch, but not before I’d brushed past her and breathed in the smell of her perfume and the hint of mint in her shampoo. If there is anything harder than steel, then that was how hard my dick went. Thank Christ I was wearing loose jeans and a shirt long enough to cover any sign of a bulge in my pants.
The only time it had even felt as though it had softened a tiny bit, was when Mom, Dad, and Auntie Ruby got home. They’d called earlier to say they were on the way back, so we’d waited up for them. Truthfully, I should have been in bed trying to get some sleep before my five a.m. start, but I knew it was pointless if the previous night had been anything to go by. Plus, I hadn’t wanted to leave her downstairs with Garratt. Not that I thought anything was going to happen between them, but I hated the thought that he was getting closer to her, while I, like a dick, was adamant about keeping a distance. Who was I kidding; I could no more keep my distance than Garratt could go a month without getting into some stupid ass trouble of some sort or another.
Then bed time had arrived and I lay there listening to the damn orchestra of snores around the house; Addy’s soft one, Dad’s deep throaty one, and Auntie Ruby’s that sounded like a hissing cat. All the time thinking about a certain woman just a few feet away.
So, I think you’ll find that’s what the fuck is up with me today.
Millie
“So you’re telling me that you were gonna marry a man who preferred wiener to cooch?” Auntie Ruby asked as she reclined the armchair.
“Erm, well, yes I suppose so,” I replied hesitantly as I took a stab in the dark at what she meant by ‘cooch’. I groaned quietly, not even sure how she’d managed to get the information from me in the first place.
“Sheesh, that’s a bummer sugar. Oh my goodness, ‘that’s a bummer’.” She looked at me expectantly and then burst out into a cackling laughter, showing me the few teeth that she had left.
“Auntie Ruby!” Bonnie stared at her wide eyed. “Behave yourself.”
“Oh, shove it, Bonnie. I’m damn well ninety years of age, I’ll say what I like.
“Not while Addy is around, and you’re not ninety. You know full well that you’re only eighty-four.”
“That’s practically ninety. Anyway, who gives a shit?” She waved her hand dismissively and turned back to me. “How did you not know, sugar, that your guy preferred a game of hunt the sausage to stuff the taco?”
I gasped and my head shot around to Bonnie, needing clarification that I’d heard correctly.
“Did she...?” I asked.
Bonnie nodded and sighed. “I’m sorry, Millie. You should excuse my aunt, she has a mouth fowler than a backed-up sewer pipe.”
“Ah, you’re just a damn prude, Bonnie. I’m betting you’d never seen a johnson until your wedding night.”
“And what’s wrong with that?” Bonnie protested, pulling Auntie Ruby’s skirt down where it had ridden up to show her spindly legs.
“Nothing, I s’ppose. But betcha wouldn’t buy a hat without trying it on.”
“Well I never said I hadn’t,” Bonnie protested, with a hint of pink to her cheeks. “Now, less of your dirty mouth. Addy will be back in with Garratt in a minute.”
Garratt had taken Addy to feed the horse that Jesse was breaking in, and then clean out the stables of the ranch horses. I had a feeling that he’d
volunteered simply to get away from Auntie Ruby for a little while. Her opening words to him as he’d come down for breakfast were, ‘so have you popped your cherry yet, or you still playing with it yourself?’
“The child lives on a ranch, she’ll hear worse than what comes from my mouth,” Auntie Ruby grumbled.
“Doesn’t mean you have to speak that way in front of her. Now,” Bonnie sighed. “Are you sure you’ll be okay here while I go over to the bunk house?”
Auntie Ruby looked at me and shrugged her shoulders, accompanied by an eye roll.
“Yes, I’ve told you once. Go and do some damn work woman. Millie here will keep me company.”
I groaned inwardly, because the thought of keeping her company didn’t exactly fill me with joy. I’d have to find something to distract her with while I did some reading with Addy. Either that or get Garratt to entertain her; but then that would be cruel, because he seemed petrified of her.
As Bonnie called goodbye, Ruby gave another cackling laugh.
“Right, now Bonnie’s gone with her twisted panties, you can tell me all about the gay guy and whether he always wanted to do you in trap number two.”
Garratt shuddered as we shut the door behind us and made our way down the porch steps. We had both offered to go and tell Jesse that dinner would be a half hour away; both of us anxious to get away from Auntie Ruby.
“How does one little old lady make me feel like such a damn fool?” Garratt moaned. “And don’t say it’s because I am one.”
“I wasn’t going to,” I protested. “She makes me feel the same way. I just don’t know how to answer her without giving her more ammunition to take the mickey out of.”
Garratt stopped walking and tilted his head. “Take the what? What’s Mickey Mouse got to do with it?”
“Not Mickey Mouse,” I laughed, pushing at his shoulder. “Taking the mickey. It’s an English phrase for mocking someone with sarcasm.”
“Ah, so she’s screwing with you?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “She screws with me whenever she can.”
“I’m with you on that one,” Garratt sighed. “She asked me why I’d be thrown out of school and when I told her, she asked me if it was the only way I could get girls. Then she said if I was a pimp did it mean I could get her some drugs as well. I never know when she’s being serious.”
As we walked around the edge of the pasture, Garratt hooked an arm over my shoulder. It was nice and brotherly and it made me miss Javi just a little less. Garratt had been good for me in that sense, just as Bonnie had been an amazing stand in for my mum when I’d needed to talk about Jesse.
“So, what’s going on with you and the dick head?” Garratt asked as we passed the barn.
“W-who?” I stammered, glancing at the barn guiltily.
“There’s only one dick head on this ranch,” he growled.
I let out a little gasp – he meant Brandon. For one horrible moment, I thought Garratt knew about Jesse and me, too.
“Nothing,” I stated firmly. “He took me to the fair at the weekend, but there’s nothing there…not for me anyway.”
“You could do worse than my brother you know, if you’re on the lookout for a man that is.”
The air rushed from my lungs and spluttered out of my mouth in a huge choke.
“Hey, you okay?” Garratt asked, slapping me on the back. “Is the thought of my brother that awful?”
I shook my head and waved my hand to indicate no. No couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Sorry, think I swallowed a bug, or something,” I was finally able to croak out.
“Yeah, well,” Garratt sighed. “I doubt he’d get his head out of his ass long enough to realize how beautiful you are anyway.”
“Garratt!”
“Not that you’re my type, Senorita, but you are beautiful in a…well Spanish sort of way.”
My laughter was loud as I linked arms with Garratt. “A Spanish sort of way? I’m guessing English wasn’t your major.”
“No,” he chuckled. “I’m a math genius, I told you.”
We were both laughing hard when we reached the corral, and found Jesse leaning against the fence.
“Hey, you two,” he called as we approached him.
I waved a hand and Garratt saluted him.
“You come to see someone doing some real work?” he asked with a twinkle in his eyes.
Garratt nudged my side with his elbow and said in a loud stage whisper. “He got out of bed on the good side this morning.”
Biting on my lip to stem the laughter, I kept my eyes on Jesse and watched to see his reaction. He shook his head and gifted us the most beautiful, crinkle eyed smile.
“You’re a fucking douche, you know that, right?” he aimed towards Garratt.
“Yeah I know, but you love me.”
Jesse didn’t respond, but the growing width of his smile showed that he did indeed love his brother. Those who received the gift of Jesse Connor’s love were extremely lucky. I’d seen how the strength and depth of it had helped Addy to blossom over the last couple of weeks, and when I looked at Garratt, he was basking in the light of it, too. His eyes were glowing and his back had straightened, his height appearing to have grown a few inches. That was what Jesse Connor’s love did, and he had no idea that his family yearned for it; they needed it because him giving it meant that he was living.
Taking in a deep breath, I moved over to the fence where Jesse was standing. I tried to kid myself it was to pet the horse that he had tethered there, but it wasn’t, I just wanted to be next to Jesse and maybe grab a little bit of that light he was giving.
“He’s gorgeous,” I said, reaching a hand out to the horse’s nose and giving it a rub.
“Yeah, he’s a beauty alright.”
Jesse reached for the stallion’s ears, but his fingers whispered over mine, making my heart and stomach do a synchronized dive. As I glanced at Jesse, I saw his mouth twitch up on the side of his profile that I could see. Holding my breath, I dared to hope that he’d done it purposefully, because he’d needed a connection with me as much as I needed one with him.
“What’s his name?” Garratt asked, moving to the other side of his brother.
“Corazón,” Jesse replied.
“Heart,” I whispered and looked at Jesse, who was bending his head to nuzzle the stallion’s nose with his own.
“Yeah, apparently Turner’s wife, Rosaria, named him. He was an anniversary gift from him to her, but she’s never been able to ride him.”
“And now?” Garratt asked.
“A couple more days and he’ll be ready.”
The beautiful, sleek, black stallion whinnied happily as Jesse gave him one last scratch of the ears before feeding him a mint Lifesaver from his pocket.
“So, what do you two want, anyway?” he asked, his eyes never leaving Corazón.
“Mom said dinner will be ready soon. She doesn’t want you to be late, you’re the only one who can keep Auntie Ruby on the straight and narrow.”
Jesse dropped his head back and laughed loudly.
“You bunch of cowards,” he cried. “She’s a little old lady.”
“Well Mom’s had to put up with her for the last four days, Dad says he’s sick of her asking whether he needs to take ‘the little blue pills yet’, and as for me and Millie, well she just keeps taking the mickey out of us!”
“The what?” Jesse asked, incredulously.
Garratt sighed, put an arm around Jesse’s shoulder and started to lead him back to the house.
“Oh, you have a lot to learn, big brother. Let me explain.”
We’d finished dinner and Jesse and I were clearing the dishes. Garratt actually offered to help me, but as he was still watching an episode of The Big Bang Theory when Jesse came down from putting Addy to bed, he said he’d help instead.
“She go down okay?” I asked, loading the last dish into the dishwasher.
Jesse sighed happily and smiled. “Yeah, don’t
know what you did with her today, but she was pooped. Or do you think she’s coming down with something?” he asked, worriedly.
“She’s fine. She helped Garratt with the horses this morning before we did some reading. Then this afternoon we planted a vegetable patch.”
“You did?” Jesse looked surprised and then a frown wrinkled his brow. “She never told me. Why do you think she didn’t? Do you think she’s pulling away from me because I’ve been so distant?”
He pulled at his hair as he looked up at the ceiling, to where Addy’s room was above us. I put a hand on his bicep and squeezed it gently.
“She wants it to be a surprise, I wasn’t supposed to tell you, but I didn’t want you worrying that she’s not well.”
I smiled gently at him, amazed at the change in his attitude towards Addy. He’d obviously always loved her, but now he cared about her, too. He cared about how she was feeling, what she needed, and how he could make her happy.
Jesse let out a sigh of relief. “You sure that’s all it is?”
“Yes, Jesse, I’m sure.”
On instinct, I reached up and brushed his hair from his eyes. He hadn’t been wearing his Stetson while he’d been in the corral, and the sun had added some lighter golden highlights to his usual dirty blond, and it made him look younger; or maybe that was because he didn’t seem to frown quite so much these days.
As my fingertips lingered on his hair, Jesse swallowed, his eyes darkened and his hand came to my hip. His fingertips rested on the curve of my backside, while his thumb found its way under the hem of my t-shirt and rubbed against my stomach.
Neither of us spoke, and the only sound was that of the TV that Garratt was watching from the recliner, with his back to us. My breath hitched as Jesse’s thumb pushed down to the waistband of my jeans and when he took a step closer to me, I felt the satin of my bra tighten against my breasts with the hardening of my nipples. Jesse inhaled deeply through his nose and inclined his head slightly as we heard a tread on the stairs.
