by Nikki Ashton
“Well what sort of businessman is he, drinking when he could be making money?” I grumbled, glancing up the street.
“Like I said, not much call for cabs on a Wednesday night. So, you’d better come home with me.”
Jesse started to walk towards his truck that was parked a few feet away.
“You can’t just waltz back home and expect me to fall at your feet, you know,” I called to his back.
“Didn’t expect that for one minute,” he replied, not even turning around. “Now get in the truck.”
God, he was so damn annoying and I hated that he thought it was okay to treat me like shit and get away with it. Well, he could think again. Yes, I was in love with him, but he’d hurt me and I had some level of pride left.
“I’ll get a lift home with you, but that’s it,” I said, flinging open the creaking passenger door. “I can’t bear to speak to you right now.”
“Don’t need you to speak, Armalita, just need you to listen.”
Jesse thrust the truck into drive and sped off down Central Avenue towards home.
Considering Jesse had told me that I just needed to listen, he hadn’t said a word on the ride home and we were now pulling up next to the house.
I unclipped my seatbelt and moved to open the door, but Jesse’s arm shot across me, his hand grabbing the handle.
“I need to say something first,” he said, watching me intently.
“I don’t want to hear it, Jesse,” I sighed. “I’m a little bit drunk and I’m tired, and I’m afraid that if I listen to what you’ve got to say I may just slap you again.”
Jesse chuckled and shook his head. “Seriously, baby, if that’s what makes you feel better, then go for it.”
“No, Jesse,” I replied, my voice cracking. “It wouldn’t make me feel better. You’ve hurt me so many times with your inability to make your damn mind up, I’m not sure I’ll ever feel better about you. I understood your issues, I really did, but after what you said the other night, what you heard me say to you, well I thought we were almost on the same page. To then run away and ignore me for days is unacceptable.”
Jesse hung his head and moved his hand from the door, dropping it to my thigh. I hated that my body tingled at his touch, and it would have been so easy to have crumbled and given myself over to him again.
“I’m so damn sorry,” he finally said. “It was a shitty coward’s trick, but I was confused.”
“So you keep saying,” I muttered.
“But I am, or I was. The last few days have given me a chance to think, and I needed distance from you to be able to do that.”
“Don’t you see how wrong that was?” I cried, pinching the bridge of my nose, trying to stem the pain that was growing between my eyes. “You should have talked to me. Did you not consider how hurt I would be, you disappearing after I’d told you that I loved you?”
I know I hadn’t actually said the three words, but there was no mistaking what I meant when I’d said ‘I’m already there’.
“Yep,” Jesse breathed out. “I did know, but I was a selfish dick who could only think of himself. I was freaked out about my feelings for you. They’re like nothing I’ve ever felt before, even with Melody.”
His voice went quieter as he said her name, and I was in turmoil again. I understood that he was still grieving, but I was so over being compared to her and having her damn saintliness pushed in my face.
“The thing is,” he said, taking my hand in his. “That scared the shit out of me. What sort of person was I, if I felt like this about a woman I’d only known for a couple of months? What sort of person was I, if I’d treated my daughter and my family like shit for two years because I was grieving for a woman who I could replace so easily?”
“Believe me, Jesse,” I sighed. “There is nothing easy about me and you, about being in love with you.”
“I did tell you that, Millie. I said it’d be hard and that I’d probably fuck things up.”
“Yes, I know,” I cried. “But you still shouldn’t have ignored me. All you had to do was say ‘I’m struggling, Millie, I just need a couple of days’. Instead you disappear, make it obvious it’s because of me, and then stroll back in acting like He Man and scaring off someone who was just being nice to me.”
Jesse’s breathing got heavier and his grip on my hand tightened. “I didn’t like how he was touching you and looking at you.”
“Well tough fucking luck,” I yelled, pulling my hand away. “I can’t talk to you, Jesse. I’m so hurt, you have no idea.”
“Please, baby, I do, but I just want you to know that I’ve come to terms with everything. I realize that feeling this way about you doesn’t mean what I felt about Melody wasn’t real. I’m ready to move on.”
I was done. My blood was pumping loud in my ears and I could feel the anger emanating from every one of my pores.
“You know what, Jesse,” I said in a measured tone. “I’m really pleased for you, and so glad that you’re ready to move on, but maybe I’m not anymore. I deserve to be treated better than that. I may not be Melody, but that doesn’t mean I should be treated like shit, just because I’m first reserve.”
I flung open the truck door and jumped down. As I stalked towards the porch steps, I heard Jesse shouting my name, begging me to come back, but the way I felt at that moment, I wasn’t sure I would ever turn around and go back to him.
Jesse
“Fuck,” I snarled, kicking at the hub cap of my back wheel. I had really messed up this time. Well, she could argue all she liked; she was mine and I was going to prove to her that we should be together.
Millie
The next few days, after Jesse came home from Booker, I managed to avoid him. It was really easy to do as he was busy, having taken on a couple more horses to work with. They took up all his time and he didn’t sit down for dinner until after he’d put Addy to bed. I would then escape to my room to read, and usually cry.
Brandon came back early from his business trip; apparently, it hadn’t gone as well as he’d been hoping. The trip had been to get some big travel company in Chicago to put his parent’s guest ranch on their ‘preferred list’, but the facilities weren’t to their standard. Brandon had come back with a long list of improvements that were needed, and the temper of a grizzly bear with a stomach ache, according to Bonnie. I also knew this because he’d snapped my head off when I’d asked how the trip had gone. Ted told me not to take any heed, while Garratt threatened to punch him for being so rude to me.
Obviously, Jesse and I having to talk to Brandon about ‘us’ was no longer necessary, but I knew that once Brandon cheered up, if he asked me out again, I’d have to be honest and tell him that I wasn’t interested. Until I could erase Jesse from my heart, I was staying well and truly away from men. The problem with that was, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to stop loving him.
Addy seemed unaware of the fact that Jesse and I weren’t really conversing, which was good. I would hate to think that she was affected by our fall out; she didn’t need any more upheaval. On the couple of occasions where I’d been with her and Jesse had appeared, I’d been civil to him for her sake, and then made myself busy elsewhere. She was a bright child, though, so I wasn’t sure how long it would be before she started asking questions about why we hadn’t been on another date. But, that was something that we’d have to deal with when it happened, because I really wasn’t at a point where I could sit down and discuss it calmly with Jesse.
Life was therefore continuing, as best as it could when you had a broken heart, but I had a job to do. Which was why I was currently calf deep in pond water while Addy sat on the grass giggling.
“It’s not funny, Addy,” I groaned, pulling my face into a grimace. “It’s all slimy.”
Addy and I had watched a video on YouTube about the things that live on plants and in pond water, and she’d found it so fascinating that I’d bought her a microscope so that she could look at things more closely. It was only a chi
ld’s version, but she was really excited when it arrived earlier in the day, and was insistent that we collect some pond water and plants.
“You look funny,” she giggled. “Your nose is all screwed up.”
“That’s because it smells. Oh my goodness, it’s horrible.”
“Daddy, look at Millie!”
I lifted my head to see Jesse, standing on the grass bank behind Addy, with his hands on his hips and a stupid grin on his face.
“What in the Sam Hill are you doing?” he asked with a deep belly laugh.
“We’re getting water bugs to look at,” Addy explained, looking up at her father. “Millie got me a micropoke.”
Jesse inclined his head to one side and looked at her questioningly. “A what?”
“A microscope,” I said.
“A microscope? Wow.” Jesse looked at me wide eyed.
“That’s what I said,” Addy grumbled. “A micropoke.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” Jesse said softly.
“It’s just a kid’s one. It’s good, but it wasn’t too expensive.”
“Even so.” He tapped a finger on Addy’s head. “I hope you said thank you, baby.”
Addy nodded vehemently. “I did, Daddy, and I gave Millie a big kiss.”
“A big kiss, hey? You’re one lucky girl.” Jesse’s eyes shone brightly as he took a step closer to the pond.
“I know, I’ve never had a micropoke before.”
Jesse’s lips twitched and we both knew he hadn’t been talking about the microscope.
“We’d better get washed up for lunch,” I said breathily, pulling my gaze away from Jesse.
I tried to take a step forward, but couldn’t move. The mud at the bottom of the pond, pulled on my foot, like a hungry baby sucking on a bottle – it wouldn’t let go.
“What’s wrong?” Jesse asked as I cursed under my breath.
“I’m stuck,” I ground out, as I tried once more to pull my foot out of the mud.
“What do you mean, you’re stuck?” Jesse asked with a hint of laughter.
“Exactly that, what do you think it means, you idiot?” I hissed at him with my nostrils flaring.
“You can’t be.” He was full out laughing now, as he took off his Stetson and plonked it onto Addy’s head. “Baby, go and get Grandpa, ask him to bring some rope.”
“I’m not being roped out of here like a damn cow!” I protested, stamping my foot that wasn’t stuck. Water splashed up at me and then…
“Your other one is stuck now, isn’t it?” Jesse bit on his lip and then doubled over, letting out a deep rumbling laugh. “Go, baby, get Grandpa.”
“Okay, Daddy.” Addy skipped off, pushing Jesse’s hat to the back of her head.
“This is not funny, Jesse,” I snapped, trying to move again.
“I think you’ll find it is.” Shaking his head, he sat down on the bank, kicked off his boots and socks and started to roll up his jeans. “Don’t move, I’m coming to get you.”
His head dropped back and he let out another laugh.
“I hate you!”
“Yeah, I know, sweetness, so you’ve said,” Jesse replied with amusement as he stood up. “So you can either let me help or Dad can wrangle you like a cow. Which one, Armalita?”
Letting out a loud huff, I held my hands out to indicate my decision.
“Good choice,” he replied with a shit eating grin.
“What if you get stuck, though?” I asked as Jesse stepped into the water.
“I won’t, but if I do, Dad can wrangle us both.”
When he reached me, Jesse took hold of my hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over the backs of them. I tried to tug my hands free, but Jesse held firm.
“I guess I have you just where I want you now,” he said softly. “You’re going to have to listen to me.”
“No, I don’t.” I pouted, averting my eyes from his gorgeous Atlantic blue ones. They were just too mesmerizing and made me do and say things that I didn’t want to.
“Look at me,” he commanded.
“No, I don’t need to look at you for you to pull me out of here.”
I knew that I was acting like a child, but being so close to him was making my body fizz with excitement; looking at him would have just pushed me over the edge that I was already so close to.
“Armalita, I said look at me.” His tone was deep and controlled, dripping with masculinity.
I looked at him and…I wanted to cry. I was right, just seeing his strong, square jaw and his long, straight nose with the tiny bump in it, made me melt like snow in a spring thaw. He was perfection to me and I knew then that I would never get over him.
“What?” I asked on a swallow.
Jesse reached up and pushed a strand of my hair away from my face. “You are so damn beautiful,” he whispered, his fingertips tracing the line of my jaw.
“Jesse, stop.” My lie was thick with emotion, because no matter what words came from my mouth, I never wanted him to stop saying those things, or touching me in that way.
No matter how much I tried to forget him, it wasn’t going to happen. He had my heart.
“You need to listen to what I have to say.”
I held my breath, trying to stop the tears, but seemingly I had no control over them. Jesse wiped at a tear that trickled slowly from the corner of my eye. “Please, listen.”
I nodded slowly and this time gave a long exhale; fortifying myself against the words that could break me, or make me whole again.
“I know I’ve gone about this all the wrong way. Running away to Booker wasn’t right…”
I was about to agree, but Jesse shook his head.
“Just let me talk, then you can let loose on my ass, okay?” he asked with a sweet smile.
“Okay.”
“Running away to Booker wasn’t right,” he continued, wiping away more moisture from my cheeks. “But the last time I did this sort of thing I was seventeen and thought I was the best thing to walk this damn earth. I had no fears about anything, all I cared about was what I wanted, and that was Melody.”
My breath instinctively hitched at the name of the woman who truly had his heart. Jesse heard it and dropped a sweet kiss to my lips and I hated myself for being jealous of a dead woman. A dead woman who’d loved him a long time before I ever had.
“We were kids, Millie. I wanted her, she wanted me, and life was simple. Then Addy came along and I loved Melody even more, for giving me the best thing I’d ever had in the world. My heart was full of her and Addy. I had a beautiful baby and wife, and I treasured them both. When she died, I never thought I’d get over it, I thought I’d drown in the grief that suffocated me a little bit more each day and I didn’t care. I wanted to die.”
I let out a shuddering gasp and clasped a hand to my mouth.
“Jesse, no,” I sobbed quietly, the tears moving faster now.
“Please, let me say this.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Death was all I wanted, because I couldn’t see how I would ever find joy in the day ever again. Not even Addy could make me want to carry on, so what sort of father did that make me? It got to a point I couldn’t even touch her, because I felt like I didn’t deserve her. If I loved her like a father should, I wouldn’t want to leave her alone, without any parents, but that’s how I felt and I hate myself for it.”
“Grief makes us feel so many different things though, Jesse. You weren’t to blame.”
“I know, but that’s how I felt.”
With my body wracked with emotion and the coldness of the water, I started to shiver, and wrapped an arm around my waist. Jesse pulled me to his chest and rubbed my back with his big hands. After a short time, he let me go and tugged his shirt over his head, leaving himself in a thin wife-beater.
“Here, put this on.” He dropped it over my head and held tight onto my waist as I pushed my arms through. “Better?”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
Jesse looked over his shoulder, and I
guessed it was for Ted, but there was no sign. He turned back and carried on talking.
“When I picked you up at the airport, I hated how you made me feel. From the minute I saw you, I wanted you. You were so damn beautiful, like a new born calf with your big brown eyes and skittishness.”
I giggled amidst a sob. “A calf? I’m not sure that’s much of a compliment. And I was not skittish.”
“Firstly, you were skittish. I thought you were going to puke when you saw me, and secondly, I love my cattle and there is nothing more beautiful than a calf with big eyes and long lashes.”
“Okay, maybe I’ll take your compliment, but if I looked like I was going to ‘puke’ as you so nicely put it, it was because I fancied the pants off you.”
Jesse’s brow furrowed.
“I thought you were cute.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Okay, I’ll take your compliment too. What I’m trying to say is, right from the off you made me question everything I’d thought and done over the last two years. The more time I spent with you, the less I thought about Melody, and the less it hurt, and so, the guiltier I felt; that’s why I pushed you away. Then that night after we’d been to Rowdy’s, and I sang to you, well I…” He looked up at the cloudless blue sky and sighed. “Well that night I knew how I felt about you. I lied when I said I was falling, Millie. I’d already fallen from a great fucking height, and it scared the shit out of me; made me question the sort of man I was. In two months, you’d wiped away most of the pain and hurt, and I felt things for you that I’d never felt before, ever.”
Knowing that he meant Melody, I understood the sadness that must have brought to him; thinking that he’d betrayed her. But, hearing his words of realization, made my hopes for a future with him soar.
“I felt all that, yet had spent two years treating my daughter, my parents, my brother, and everyone I knew like shit because I’d lost the love of my life.”
I couldn’t help but stiffen as the stab of jealousy hit my stomach again, and self-hatred reared its head once more.
“But she wasn’t, was she?” he whispered, dropping a soft kiss to my forehead as he gripped my shoulders.
