And then…fuck. I gave her that little speech about how we are in love and I was done with the fuck buddies bullshit. And then… damn it, I’m an idiot. I told her that she was mine and that she didn’t get to have anyone else. Shit.
She recoiled like she always does when anything close to commitment related comes out of anyone’s mouth, but she smiled at me. Then she told me she loves me. I brought her to bed and fell asleep with her in my arms.
The water in the shower is off. She’s in there for a while getting ready and I’m becoming more agitated by the minute but I wait patiently until she comes out and sees me standing in the kitchen. “Jessa, come here.”
She sighs and then comes and stands on the other side of the counter that I’m propped over. Her face and her eyes are not telling me anything.
“I was drunk, Jessa. You have to learn not to take everything so damn seriously. I didn’t mean that shit I told you. You know that,” I say, lying through my teeth.
She raises her eyebrows at me. “That’s awful Paxton. You shouldn’t just tell people that shit, I mean, you’ve never told me you loved me while you were inside of me before. It’s not nice.”
“That part was true. I love you, beso, you know that. But all that other shit that’s got you acting like an Ice Queen was just drunken bullshit brought on by what you did to me last night on that couch.”
She cocks her head at me with a look of sadness and defeat on her face. “I just think that things are getting a little intense, Pax. I think it would be best if we gave each other a little space.”
“Jess. Don’t do that. Don’t get all emotional and dramatic. Don’t set fucking boundaries and make rules for me.”
She drops her head, and her eyes. “I’m not dramatic or emotional, Paxton. But yes, I have feelings and yes, sometimes they scare me and it’s not even the things you said but I’m scared Paxton.”
“Why? We’re good. Things with us are good. They’re damn near perfect. Don’t wig out and put up some wall because suddenly there are labels on us that you aren’t comfortable with. I love you. I want you. I don’t want you with other guys. I don’t want other women. If that makes you uncomfortable than fucking deal with it. I’m not heartless and I’m not gonna keep acting like I am just so I can keep you around.”
She looks at me again. “I don’t know what to say to you right now. Just give me a minute.” She slings her bag on and heads to the door.
“Jessa, don’t fucking do this,” I yell, but the only response I get is the sound of a door shutting. “Fuuccckk,” I yell, slamming my hands into the counter.
I go in my room and put on my clothes, my head in a fog from my hangover and my mind completely confused because of Jessa.
I get in my car and take off for campus. I don’t know where the hell study groups take place. In fact, I’m guessing she probably didn’t even have a study group but just needed an excuse to get the hell out.
I park in front of the library and head inside. It’s quiet- there are only a few students gathered around the place and none of them are Jessa. “Fuck,” I mutter, turning around to head out and Dylan is standing there with a smug look on his face.
“You look irritated, Paxton. Did someone decide she’s had enough?”
“Move,” I tell him, pushing him out of my way.
“I told you, man. It don’t matter who you are or how much you love her- that girl doesn’t have the ability to give a shit,” he says through his laughter. “Hell, at least she wanted to keep me around for a while, what’d you get out of her? A month?”
I don’t turn around to acknowledge him. But I can see myself through his eyes and I have to laugh to keep from screaming.
I’m Dylan. I’m the fucking dipshit that fell in love with her. Who thought that things with her and I were different. I told myself I was not just one of her dogs that was going to put up with her fucking demands but, hell, that’s exactly who I am. I really believed that I was gonna be the one to change her, but Dylan’s fucking right. He at least got her to commit to him. He’s the one who came here with her to start a fucking future. And that asshole is right. A month. A fucking month and the girl is gone.
When I storm through the door of our apartment, Vi is sitting on the couch. “Hey, Pax,” she says easily before registering the fury on my face. “Oh, shit. What’s wrong?”
I can’t talk to her. I go to my room and pull my duffle out of my closet and throw it on the bed. Vi’s in the doorway looking at me.
“Paxton, tell me what happened.”
I carry on trying to get my shit in my bag so I can get the hell out of here. She comes and puts her little body in front of mine, grabbing onto my arms. “Move, Vi,” I rasp at her.
“Not until you tell me what’s going on. Why are you packing your bag?”
“Because I’m done with this shit.”
“Does Jessa know?”
“Jessa will be happy,” I mutter.
“What happened with you two?” she asks me, worry all over her face.
“We’re done, Vi. That’s all you need to know.” Those words clamp down on my chest and I feel like I’m going to lose it. I grab a few more random things, not worrying about all the shit I’m leaving behind. I have to get the fuck out of here. I pick up my guitar and give Vi a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll talk to you when I can,” I tell her, sidestepping her and heading towards the door.
“Pax, where are you going?”
“Home, babe. Where I belong.”
“Paxton, don’t do this.”
I don’t turn around. I head out of the building and get in my car. I never want to see that fucking place again.
Chapter 20 - Jessa
All those tears that I haven’t been shedding are catching up with me. As soon as I walked out of that apartment, knowing in my heart, that I was going to end up pushing Paxton away because I can’t handle the way I feel about him, the first tear came. I didn’t make it to my study group, I just walked aimlessly, trying to clear my head and think.
I thought about why Paxton’s words scared me so much. Why my feelings for him scared me so much. There are a lot of reasons to be afraid. I didn’t want to lose him completely after all of this was over. I didn’t want to lose my friendship with him. I didn’t want to be heartbroken when it was time for him to go home. I didn’t want to hurt him if the day ever came when my desire for him left me.
But as I walked into the apartment, prepared to apologize to him and talk to him about all the shit that was running through my brain, Vi told me that Paxton had left. That he packed his bags and went home. And I knew there was only one reason I was afraid.
I was in love with him. I had fallen completely and desperately in love with him.
And all of the consequences attached to that fear were a reality. He left me. And I was left with the pain of that loss and it hurt so fucking bad.
That’s when the tears really started. Vi’s been lying beside me in my bed but I haven’t been able to talk to her. I sit up and try to pull myself together, taking a long drink of the water she put on the bedside table.
“Are you okay?” she asks me.
“No. Not at all. What the hell did I do?”
“I don’t know, but I wish someone would tell me. What happened? I couldn’t get Paxton to say a word.”
I take a steadying breath and shake my head at myself. “I freaked out. He told me that he loved me, that he wanted me and that I was his. He said we were done fucking around and that I was his.”
“What did you say to him?” Vi asks, her tone full of dreadful anticipation.
I look away from her before muttering, “I told him that things were getting too intense and that I needed some space.” I bring my hands to my head and curse myself out.
“Is that how you feel?”
“No. I mean, yes, the way I feel about him is too intense. I’m in love with him, Vi and I’m scared as shit, but I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what I’m going to do with
out him.”
“Well, honey, tell him that. Talk to him. He doesn’t want to lose you either, he was just hurt.”
“I don’t know, Vi. I mean, if he left to go back home then maybe I should just let him. That’s where he’s supposed to be.”
“No, sweetie, he’s supposed to be here – with you.”
“Maybe he’s not. What if he comes back to me and I try to give him everything and I freak out again. Or I give him everything and he realizes I’m not enough. I just… I can’t handle it. I can’t handle feeling this way. It’s too much.”
“Jessa, that’s not going to happen. You guys are so good together, you belong with him. You can’t keep telling yourself that you don’t get to have anything more substantial than casual sex. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to him. You have to at least try, Jess. You can’t just let him walk out of your life, because you are never going to find anyone that you are going to love as much as you love him.”
“Ahh,” I say frustrated. “This sucks, Vi. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I think I could keep my feelings for him in check? This is why I don’t do this shit. I don’t want to be in love. I don’t want to love him. It fucking sucks.”
“Right now it sucks, but think about how great it is when you’re with him. Think about how much better it will be when you can really be with him. You’re missing out, Jess. You need to let yourself love him because, yeah, sometimes it totally sucks, but most of the time it’s the greatest feeling in the world.” Vi grabs her phone out of her pocket and hands it to me. “Just try, Jess. Just talk to him.”
I think back to that day in River Bluff when I was with Emily, trying to help her through her own hell. I told her that all of the pain that I was watching her go through wasn’t as big as the love that I saw between her and Danny. I told her that, in my eyes, the love I saw was more than the hurt I was seeing. I believed that. I don’t know if I do now because I’ve never known hurt. Not like this. But I’ve never really known love either. I’ve never let myself fall completely and freely in love. It was never an option until Paxton.
I grab the phone out of Vi’s hand and take a big breath before dialing his number. It rings several times and I’m about to hang up when his deep voice comes on the line. “What’s up, Vi?” he asks, annoyed.
“Pax,” I say and I can hear his sharp intake of breath at the sound of my voice.
“What do you want, Jessa?” His tone is harsh, not desperate like it was this morning.
“I’m sorry about this morning…”
“It’s fine, kid. Don’t worry about it,” he tells me like he doesn’t have time for my drama.
“I didn’t want you to leave, Pax,” I whisper.
“No? What kind of space was it that you needed?”
I take a breath and close my eyes. “I don’t want to lose you.”
He lets out a bitter laugh. “I told you, Jessa, when shit fell apart with us I would still be your friend. You don’t gotta worry, your good friend Paxton will be waiting around until you need him. It’s cool, don’t sweat it. I’m already over it.”
The pain from his words is spreading through my body and I can’t open my mouth because I can feel the sobs waiting to escape.
“You good?” he asks me. “’Cause I don’t really have time for this shit right now.”
“Yeah,” I manage to mutter before the line goes dead.
I hold the phone up to my ear, waiting for his voice. But he’s gone. He’s so gone.
The phone drops from my hand as his words, his voice, covers everything inside of me. He’s done. He’s over it. Just like that.
“What did he say?” Vi asks, but I can’t speak. He didn’t even want to talk about it. None of it even matters to him. Jesus.
I let myself fall completely in love with him. He told me he loved me. I needed a minute. I just needed one fucking minute to think. But in that minute he gave up. He took it away. It’s all gone.
The pain is covering me so completely I can’t even feel. I can’t see. Vi has her hands on me but I can’t see her. I can’t feel her. All I can feel is myself falling completely apart as Paxton is pulled completely out of me.
Chapter 21 - Paxton
I was two hours closer to home when I picked up the phone, knowing Vi was worried about me and prepared to try and convince her I was fine. But it wasn’t Vi calling. It was Jessa. The sound of her voice alone had my blood boiling. I was pretty fucking convinced that I hated her. But as she spoke I heard the sadness in her voice and I had to pull off the side of the road just to keep from crashing into the median. The few words she muttered made it clear that the pain in her voice was remorse. She felt bad about what she did to me. Fuck that.
When I hung up, I was still sure I hated her, but I ended up turning the car around and heading back into that cock-sucking city because I didn’t know if I was ready to let it all go yet.
I settled in at Billy’s place and I haven’t left. I don’t know what I’m doing. Waiting for something to make it crystal clear that I either need to head home to Gabriel or go and try to work shit out with Jessa.
Gabriel’s been good these past few days. He’s been laying off the drugs and alcohol that now bring him to his knees and have him crying like a kid over his life. The last few times I’ve talked to him he’s still telling me he wants me home, but he’s more concerned that I’m not doing anything to fuck up his free ride, especially now that he has fucked up his literal free ride when he smashed his car into a cement wall. I think about how shit was in Venice before I left and I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to that and I don’t know if Jessa is the reason or not.
At night, laying on the coach, unable to sleep, my mind starts trying to figure out how I can make shit work with Jessa. If I show up at Vi’s what would I say to her? What words would I use to convince her that she needs to let go of her shields and let herself be with me What can I say that will make her feel the way I do? And if she were to tell me that she’s not gonna change, but I can take up my role as her FWB, would I? In the middle of the night I think I probably would.
But in the morning, I know that things with her are not possible. I’m just another fool on her long trail of broken hearts. Things with Jessa are never going to change. I hate to fucking say it, but Dylan might have been right. I’m not sure if Jessa is capable of feeling anything real.
So yeah, shits not really becoming clear. Nothing’s looking like anything I want to go back to so I’m just biding my time, fucking up Billy’s serene little life.
He hands me a beer and picks up his bass, sitting down and plucking it, pausing to take pulls off his bottle. “Conroy’s band is playing at The Bottle tonight. What do you say- you want to go get drunk and laugh at their sorry asses?”
“No, but you go right ahead,” I tell him.
“How long you planning on moping around for, man? ‘Cause this shit’s getting depressing.”
“Say the word and I’ll be gone. It’s not a problem,” I tell him.
“Shut up, man. I don’t want you going, I just want you doing something. What kind of harm is going to get a drink gonna do?”
“I’m not in the mood,” I tell him, trying to keep my voice even.
“Maybe you need to get laid, Paxton. Maybe you need to go out and find a hot piece of ass and forget about that bitch.”
I flinch when he calls Jessa a bitch, but I’m not gonna defend her. “If that were an option, you think I’d be sitting around this place with you?”
“What the hell does that mean?” he asks, setting his guitar down and leaning forward on his knees.
“After what I had with her I’m not interested in getting anything less,” I tell him through my teeth.
“Come on, Pax. No chick is that good. I bet there’ll be at least ten Betties there tonight who are capable of doing shit to you that that country girl would never even think of,” he says, laughing it off.
“You’re stupid, Billy. You know that?”
>
He stares at me shaking his head. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
I give him a tight smile letting him know that, no, I’m not kidding and, yes, this situation is more dire then he originally assumed.
“Well hell, lets at least go get drunk then. You need to forget about this shit, at least for a few hours.”
“Yeah, whatever,” I tell him, thinking it can’t be any worse than sitting around here thinking about her.
I pull my hoodie tight around my head, not interested in talking to anyone, as Billy and I head to the back corner to meet Louis.
“What the hell, man?” Louis says to me, standing and pulling me into his arm. “Jimmy said you went back home. What are you doing here?”
“He’s been moping around my place for three days,” Billy says, sliding into the booth.
“Shut the hell up, Billy,” I tell him, leaning into the table and staring him down.
“Seriously man, you gotta get over this shit. You’re turning into a complete asshole.”
“Why don’t you keep your mouth shut and then maybe we wouldn’t have a problem.”
“Jesus,” Louis mutters. “Hey,” he calls out to a passing waitress. “Can we get like, nine shots of whiskey?”
“Are you expecting company?” she laughs.
“No, just trying to get this one to calm down,” he says, putting his hand on my shoulder. I shag him off and turn my annoyed gaze on him and the waitress.
She gives me coy smile. “Let me know if the alcohol doesn’t work,” she says, turning and walking away.
“There you go,” Billy says. “That girl looks like she’s got some experience under the belt and she’s clearly willing to show you her moves.”
I drum my fists on the table, just trying not to lunge across the table and strangle his ass. “You drug me here to get me drunk, not to talk about her, so I will say it one more time – shut the hell up.”
“What the hell is going on? Did something happen with you and your girl?” Louis asks.
Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) Page 20
