My eyes are closed tight and my body is shaking with pain and anger. I can’t believe that was Paxton’s life. With that childhood, I can’t believe he isn’t completely dead inside. How is he even capable of love after being raised like that? How could I have not seen that? How could I have intentionally tried to not love him? How could I have hurt him?
“I’m sorry Pax. I’m sorry that she hurt you like that. I’m sorry that you were ever hurt… that I hurt you. You don’t deserve it. I wish you could have shared that part of yourself with me, Pax. I would have done things differently. I would have loved you better. I wouldn’t have tried so hard to convince myself that I couldn’t have you. You didn’t deserve that shit from me and it sucks, Pax, that we never really had a chance. I didn’t even really know you,” I tell him, squeezing tight to his hands, feeling pissed off and angry… at his family, at him, mostly at myself. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I have fucked up what we could have had?
“I don’t know who I am, Jessa. I never have. The closest I’ve come to feeling like myself, like a person not defined by my life, is with you. I get that it’s not much, but you had more of me than anyone ever has.”
He’s quiet then and I am so overcome with emotion that I can’t speak either. I can’t start telling myself that, with me, is where Paxton belongs. That if the closest he’s come to feeling like himself is with me, then he should stay here – with me. I can’t start believing that. “Are you going to be happy in California, Pax? Are you going to be able to go home and finally be rid of all this shit and just be happy? Because I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I need you to be happy.”
“I always thought that was possible. I always considered that place my home, where the real me lived. I always thought if I could have that, if I could hold onto it and not have to leave it, that I would figure out who I am and I could start living. But that didn’t happen, Jess. When I left River Bluff and went there, to stay, that didn’t happen. Because, beso, my home isn’t there. It’s not where I belong. My home is with you, it’s wherever you are. Even if it’s this horrific town.”
I listen to his words and I think I understand what he’s saying, and I don’t know if I deserve it, but I want to be his home. I want to be the place where he can find himself and I want to help him do that. I want to make him happy. I turn around in his arms and look into his eyes. “Pax… what are you saying?”
“I think I need you,” he whispers.
“I’m pretty sure I need you too, Pax. I need all of you. Not just the pretty wrapping on the box.”
“The pretty wrapping on the box?” he laughs.
“Yeah,” I tell him. “You- this beautiful cover; your eyes and your mouth and your skull and your tattooed hands. I want inside, Paxton.”
“That can happen if you let it, beso. I’m no longer okay with part of you. I don’t want you if it’s conditional. If there are rules I can’t break and words I can’t say. I don’t want the fraction of yourself that you’ve given to the guys that came before me. I need the real you and I need all of you. If you can’t give me that then I can’t do this with you again. I can’t live through this again.”
“I don’t think I really have a choice, Pax. I don’t know how to keep you at arm’s length anymore. Every stupid argument I used to protect myself, to stop myself from caring too much, all that shit was demolished. Nothing has ever hurt as bad as losing you.”
“I fucked you up, huh beso?”
“Love… it totally sucks,” I tell him, trying to reign in my emotional ass.
Paxton laughs then tells me, “I agree. But I’m gonna love you anyway.”
“We don’t really have a choice, right? That’s why it sucks so bad. Falling in love is the ultimate loss of control.”
Paxton’s fingers trail over my cheek and land on my lips and with that simple touch I feel my sarcastic defense falter. I have his touch back. The hands that I thought would never touch me again are on me. “Are we really doing this, beso? Are we handing ourselves over to each other? ‘Cause I’m in. I’m willing to do that.”
“It’s going to be scary, Pax, but I’m going to let you love me and I’m going to love you back. I’m going to give you all of me because the only thing I will ever want is all of you.”
“Okay,” he whispers, “let’s do this.”
As I stare into Paxton’s eyes, knowing that for the first time, he is really mine and I am really his, I don’t feel any fear. The two of us… we are going to okay. Rachel can go to hell. I’m going to love Paxton enough to make up for every minute he had to spend with that bitch.
“You realize what this means, kid?”
“What does it mean, Pax?”
“You’re in a committed relationship. One that you can’t just leave. You got yourself another boyfriend.”
All those words don’t scare me anymore like he thinks they do. They sound pretty fantastic, actually. “That night in the restaurant, when you proposed to me, thinking that if I just faced my fears I would be able to get over myself….?”
“Yeah?”
“That was stupid, Pax. Really fucking stupid. But the minute I accepted that I had fallen in love with you, all that shit went away. So, I hate to tell you, but none of your words scare me anymore. You’re going to have to come up with a new tactic to make me squirm.”
“Shit. Is that supposed to be a challenge? Because you and I both know that if there is one thing I know how to do, it’s make you squirm,” he tells me before holding my arms down and climbing on top of me. He looks at me with hunger in his eyes and then his mouth comes crashing down on me and, god damn it, I’m squirming already.
Chapter 25 - Paxton
I have fully accepted the fact that being in Chicago doesn’t mean that Rachel can fuck my life up any more than she already has. I’m free to be here if that’s where I choose to be. And as long as Jessa’s here, it’s exactly where I want to be. And I’m cool with that. I’m good with just about anything right now because I have all of Jessa, and all of Jessa is one fucking fantastic thing to have.
The minute she started wanting to know about my life with my mom and I didn’t mind telling her about it, I kind of started to get in. When I ended up telling her things that I hadn’t talked about, or even thought about for years, and it was okay, it became kind of obvious. There is nothing I want to keep from this girl and there is no part of me that is so pathetic and ugly that it will make her love me less. In fact, every time I show her a new part of me, she only seems to love me more. I didn’t think that was possible. I never thought anyone could love that hermit son of Rachel’s. But Jessa does.
When I told her my home was not in Venice, but wherever she was, I didn’t realize it until that moment, but it’s true. It’s like the gigantic fucking cloud that always hovered over me was lifted and the thing I had been waiting for, the moment when I finally felt like I was going to start living my life, had arrived. And yeah, things with Rachel and Gabriel and my broke ass are pretty terrible. But I’ve never been more happy and at peace as I am now.
I roll out of bed like I do, against my will, every morning now because I’m a rat scrounger trying to find any way to come up with the money that will finally release me and Gabriel from Rachel once and for all. With the money I had stashed at the Dixon’s and the coin I’ve been putting aside since I left Chicago, I have a grand total of eleven thousand. When I sell my car it will knock it up to thirty, but that’s not even close. Besides that, Gabriel and I don’t even have money to live and I’m basically leeching off my girls just to get by. I gotta come up with something big and permanent and I gotta do it quick.
The obvious solution to my problem is start playing again. The abrupt ending of Polly at the height of our demand means that people are still thirsty. They need the closure they never got and I’m hoping a few gigs might get me the cash I need to pay off Rachel, but I don’t want that to be the permanent solution. I’m not dragging Jessa into that life.
; “Jessa,” I call out, wondering why the hell she’s not in my bed.
She comes into our room looking way too beautiful to be heading to campus. “What’s up, babe?” she asks me.
“What’s with the get up?” I ask her, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. I’m trying to be less of a psychotic jealous, asshole, but the shit she’s wearing is not necessary for a day spent away from me.
“It’s pretty, right?” she asks, looking down at the little pink dress she’s wearing. “And I like to look pretty, and you like making me happy, so you like my dress, right?”
“Is this your new tactic – reverse psychology?” I ask, pulling her down on the bed and running my hand over her dress.
“So you don’t want to make me happy?” she asks with contrived sadness.
“About all I want to do is make you happy. Don’t play your stupid little games with me.” I smile at her and then bite her nipple, which is poking through the damn dress that she thinks she is wearing out in public.
“Ahh,” she breaths, digging her fingers into my shoulders.
I pull her strapless dress down until her breasts pop free and I start running my tongue over them.
“Jessa, we gotta go,” Vi yells.
“Shit,” Jessa mutters, pushing me off of her and readjusting her dress over herself. “Why do you always have to do shit like that to me right before I have to leave you?” She pinches my nipple before standing up.
“Ouch. You get so nasty, you know that? I was just trying to make you happy.”
She turns from her closet to give me one of her, I’m not stupid looks. Jessa pulls a little white cardigan out of her closet and puts it on, covering up her exposed nipples, but I can still see too much cleavage. “Better?” she asks me with a poignant stare.
“Not really,” I tell her.
She looks down at herself then pulls her dress up to cover most of her cleavage. “Yes?” she asks me and I shake my head. “Give me some direction, Pax. What look am I going for here?”
“Less fucking sexy, how about?”
Jessa kicks off her heels and pulls a pair of flats, that I didn’t realize she owned, out of her closet and slips them on.
She gives me an expectant look, but all I can do is flare my nostrils. Unless she pulls out a pair of pants and a baggy sweatshirt, I’m not gonna be happy.
“Jessa, what are you doing in there? You better not have climbed back into that bed,” Vi calls.
“I’m just trying to find an outfit that my overly protective boyfriend will approve of. This might take a while,” Jessa yells back.
I smile at the ease in her voice and on her face when she says the word boyfriend. The girl really has changed and outside of the bedroom I haven’t managed to make her squirm once.
Vi comes into our room now, also dressed in a little dress.
“What the hell are you two doing today for Christ’s sake? Is there a hooker convention in town?”
“We do not look like hookers, you asshole. They’re called dresses and sometimes girls wear them. And your girl looks beautiful, and…. what the hell- are those flats? What are you doing to her, Paxton?”
“He’s trying to turn me into a nun. I’m not sure he realizes that nun’s aren’t allowed to have sex,” Jessa mutters.
Vi goes over to the area on top of our dresser where Jessa keeps all her shit in neat little bins. She pulls out string of pearls and fastens them around Jessa’s neck then pops a headband over her curled hair. “There,” Vi says. “No one wants to have sex with a prude. Are you good? Because we have to go.”
“Seriously, where the hell are you two going?”
“Escorts are totally different than hookers, so relax, Pax,” Vi sputters, grabbing a hold of Jessa and pulling her towards the door.
I stand and pull my girl out of her hands to give her a nice, long kiss. When Jessa leans her body into me and wraps her arms around my neck Vi mutters, “Paxton, she gets it. She will be thinking about you all morning and will not want to do anything besides get back to you. We have to go.”
I laugh into Jessa’s mouth before releasing her.
“I love you,” she tells me.
“I love you too,” I tell her before Vi yanks her out of the room.
#
“I never thought I’d see the day that we’d be going to book a gig again,” Billy comments as I drive us to The Cellar to meet with Clarence, the club’s owner. “I mean, shit, I never thought I’d see you back in this town, but hell, that girl is doing all kinds of strange things to you.”
“I don’t know, I feel about as normal as I ever have when I’m with her.”
“Yeah, that’s cool. I’m glad the two of you worked your shit out, I mean I wish my dishes and liquor and my wall wouldn’t have had to get involved….”
“You needed new china anyway, man. Don’t start your whining again.”
“Shit,” he mutters. “You’re lucky we’re starting this shit all over again ‘cause otherwise I would have eighty sixed your ass.”
“We’re not starting this shit all over. It’s one gig.”
“And then what? How are you going to support your ass after that?”
“I don’t know. I’ll figure something out,” I tell him, getting out of the car and heading inside The Cellar.
Clarence is waiting for us at a table. It’s ten AM and he’s already got a glass of scotch in hand.
“So, it’s true,” he says, standing up to shake my hand. “I didn’t believe it when Billy called me, but you’re really doing this, huh?”
“It depends,” I tell him, taking a seat between him and Billy.
“On what?” he asks, sitting back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest, his expression no longer friendly.
“Tickets are forty a pop and we’re taking eighty five percent of it,” Billy informs him.
Clarence’s face tightens, but he ignores Billy. “When’s the last time you even played in front of an audience?” Clarence asks me.
“It’s been a while.”
“Well how am I supposed to charge forty bucks just to get through the door if I don’t even know if you can put on a show?”
Billy laughs. “It’s Paxton fucking Alvarado, man. What are you talking about? You put the word out and those tickets will be sold within minutes. You know that. It’s forty bucks at the door and your club can have fifteen percent. If you’re not cool with that we’ll take our business elsewhere.”
“I’m not doing fifteen percent. The production costs are gonna be more than twenty percent. I need to get paid asshole.”
“Let me break it down for you Mr. Businessman. Your max capacity is three thousand. Three thousand times forty is one hundred and twenty fucking thousand. Fifteen percent of one hundred and twenty fucking thousand is eighteen thousand dollars. Like you get that much off those rank bands you shuffle through here on the weekends. And production? Please. You gotta crew gonna set up our instruments and run sound check? ‘Cause that’s the extent of our ‘production’. We ain’t Katy Perry, we’re not gonna come swinging in here on a cloud. In fact, now that I’m laying it out, I’m thinking five percent sounds about right.”
I sit back with my arms crossed over my chest and snicker. Billy can play the bass, but business manager has always been his strength.
Clarence shakes his head and mutters and tries to make a few more points, but when Billy stands, like he’s walking out, Clarence finally caves. And then it’s official. I’m back in the band. And I’m not as worked up about it as I should be.
After we get the details worked out, Billy and I head back to the stage. I haven’t been on one of these in so long, it feels strange. I try to picture the house packed, my guitar strapped on, singing out to the screaming crowd.
“How’s it feel, man?” Billy asks me.
“Pretty fucking surreal.”
“You think you’re going to be able to pull it off?”
“It’s not gonna be a problem. It’s j
ust one show.”
“You know, shit doesn’t have to be the way it used to. You’re not the same stupid kid that you were last time we did this.”
“No, I’m not. If it were just the music, I could maybe make this work.”
“It could be just the music, if you let it be. You could come play your gigs then go back to your life.”
“Who the hell are you kidding?” I ask him. “Once you give yourself over to these people, to whoever the hell wants you, your life is no longer yours. You know that. It changes who you are. Yeah, I can stay away from the drugs. The girls are no longer an issue. But success, man, it always comes with a price. People always want something from you and they will destroy you in order to get it. I’m finally somewhere I want to be and I’m not gonna put it at risk just so I can play again. When I left it all last time the people that I thought cared about me- not just the guy on stage- ninety nine percent of them disappeared. I’m not losing anyone else to this shit.”
“You know I got your back, Paxton. I’ll always be looking out for your ass.”
“You had my back last time too but that didn’t really matter. You can’t protect me from myself.”
“What the hell is going on here?” I hear Louis call before I see him and Jimmy make their way out of the shadows.
“We’re getting ready for our comeback gig. Polly’s back together,” Billy tells them.
“Hell, yes,” Louis says, hopping up on stage and slapping our hands.
“Looks like we all had good days,” Jimmy says after he joins us.
“Yeah?” Billy asks, “You guys managed to get that shit straightened out?”
“We managed to tag along while Jessa told those people exactly how it was gonna go. Your girl, man,” Jimmy says looking at me, “she’s got quite the mouth on her.”
I cock my head at him, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“We’ve got some good news,” Louis says. “You’re free, man,” he tells me handing me a stack of papers.
I look down at the notarized documents that have the name of Rachel’s law firm on it. I’ve seen these documents before – I had to sign them before I left Chicago and I got another set, putting Rachel’s threats into writing, delivered to Vi’s door the day after I went to Glencoe.
Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) Page 24
