The Defiant Miss Foster & A Highly Respectable Widow

by Melinda McRae

  He would do his best to persuade her that his previous actions were all in the past. That he yearned to settle for constancy, for it was the only way he could have her—and be able to live with himself. Would words be enough to convince her of his sincerity when he half-feared his ability to fulfill his pledge? If he had time, he could show her that he intended to follow the new course he had laid out for himself. But with Belton hovering in the wings, Knowlton had no time.

  His gut wrenched at the thought that perhaps he was already too late. The bets had not been settled yet at White’s, but oftentimes a betrothal remained secret at first. What if Belton had already made the offer—and Katherine had accepted? She would be a fool not to. He could go down on his knees before her, baring his soul, humbling himself, only to find that she was no longer free to accept his suit. That would be the worst torture of all. He would have to speak to her. Today.

  Katherine did not look forward to today’s outing. She had done everything in her power to forestall Belton from pressing her for a decision. If only she could hold him off a little longer . . . But she suspected that the chances for a secluded tete-a-tete would be great today, and once he got her alone, there would be no way to deflect his offer. And it would be difficult to put her answer into words.

  It would be cruel of her to refuse him, after she had given him every indication all these long weeks that his suit would be welcome. Yet it was better to cause him pain now than to bind him to a lifetime of torture. He was a wonderful man, kind, generous, caring. But she did not love him. Or at least she did not love him in the way she loved Knowlton. She could not sentence herself and Belton to a lifetime of marriage when her heart and soul were given to another.

  She would not mind, terribly, having to say no to him. She had never intended to find herself a husband when she had brought Robbie to London. That had been the plan of the marquess and Castalia. Katherine had allowed herself to be swept up in their enthusiasm. It might have been foolish on her part, but she had not anticipated the harm that would come from it. Now there would be hurt enough for everyone.

  She at least would have the satisfaction of knowing that she had done the right thing for Robbie by coming to London. She could be filled with pride as she watched him grow to manhood. There were nieces and nephews for her to dote on. Life as Aunt Katherine would not be unpleasant. Moving from country house to country house, she could stay with each member of the family until her welcome had worn off; then she could move on. For herself, she could keep a small cottage as a retreat when the demands of family grew too strong.

  And if she was sentencing herself to a fife of unbearable loneliness, well, she was the one who would have to live with it. If there were nights when she cried herself to sleep for what might have been, she would have the satisfaction of knowing that she had not dragged another human into her circle of unhappiness.

  She dressed carefully for the trip to Richmond, in a round dress of figured gray silk, with a gray velvet pelisse. As she fingered the ribbons of her leghorn bonnet, Katherine allowed her thoughts to drift again. How content she had been a year ago! If it were not for the advantages to Robbie, she would wish the last year had never transpired. Her mind would be the less unsettled for it.

  Lord and Lady Durham soon arrived in the barouche. Frederick waited outside while Castalia came to retrieve Katherine. She was grateful they were meeting Belton at the breakfast, knowing she needed to conserve all her strength for the interview she knew would come.

  Despite the title of “breakfast,” Lady Gresham’s party was close to a luncheon, not starting until half-past eleven. The sun had rallied its feeble spring rays to make the event a success, and tables dotted the south lawn, groaning with the weight of the food upon them. When Katherine and Castalia arrived, guests were already helping themselves to the massive repast.

  “One would think some had not eaten for a week,” Castalia noted as her husband trailed behind them with the carriage rugs. She jabbed the point of the parasol into a spot of ground she declared to be dry, and her obliging husband spread the rugs around.

  Katherine casually glanced about the lawn, wondering if Belton had yet arrived. Now that she had made her decision, she was eager to have it over. She determined to make her refusal as gentle as possible.

  Frederick had gone to fill their plates when Belton strolled over to Katherine and Castalia.

  “A lovely day for a spring outing,” he said, doffing his hat. “And here I see we have two of the most enchanting flowers of the season.”

  “Sheer flummery,” Castalia laughed. “But I will accept it gladly. Do join us. Frederick will be back shortly.”

  “I thought to ask Lady Robert for a few moments of her company,” Belton replied. “The grounds are very lovely this time of year.”

  Katherine sighed inwardly, knowing the time had arrived. “That would be nice. I should like to stretch my legs after the long drive.”

  Belton obligingly took her arm and they strolled about the gardens, admiring the view of the Thames and appreciating the riot of color afforded by the spring blooms.

  Katherine swallowed hard, trying to decide on a proper method of introducing the subject. But she realized there was no simple away around the matter.

  “Lord Belton, I—”

  “I asked you to call me Richard.”

  “I ... I do not think that would be appropriate.” Katherine kept her gaze firmly fixed on the distant vista of the river. “For as honored as I am by your declaration, I feel I must decline your offer of marriage.”

  “I see.”

  Katherine dared to glance at him, and she winced at the disappointment she saw in his bright blue eyes. Yet, better a slight disappointment now than the crushing one he would later experience if she had accepted his suit. This way, he would be free to find a woman who could return his affection.

  “I am sorry,” she said, wanting to make certain he knew that he was not the cause of her refusal. “I wish that I could accept. But I fear that I would make you a very poor wife.”

  “Am I not a better judge of that?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “I am not free to love you as a wife ought,” she said quietly.

  She saw Belton’s startled look.

  “I had no inkling there was a rival,” he said quietly.

  Katherine berated herself for having revealed so much. “It is not that, precisely. It is as I said, I do not feel I would be the right wife for you.”

  “Should not that decision be mine?”

  “No,” she replied. “For I know myself better than you do. I am very honored that you think me suitable, my lord, but I fear I am not.”

  She watched his silent sigh with sadness. In other circumstances, such a proposal would have been most welcome. But it was precisely because she thought so well of him that she could not accept his suit.

  “I will regretfully accept your decision, then, Lady Robert,” he said, offering her his arm.

  In silence they walked back toward the spot where Frederick and Castalia sat, and Belton quickly took his leave. Katherine deliberately ignored Castalia’s quizzical expression. She wished she had never consented to come to this breakfast.

  Knowlton seethed with frustration as he paced back and forth outside the blacksmith’s shop. Why, on this of all days, had his horse decided to throw a shoe? He was half-inclined to unhitch his other mount from the curricle and continue to Richmond on horseback, but the foolishness of that plan struck him at once. It would only be scant minutes before his horse was shod and ready to go on. What did it matter that he had been delayed an hour?

  His temper was short from impatience and frustration when he finally arrived at Lady Gresham’s. He now had the onerous task of locating Katherine, extricating her from her companions, and attempting to convince her in a very short time that her future should be entwined with his. Only a very small task.

  He looked first for Belton. It would be a miracle if he had not escorted her here. Knowl
ton smiled for the first time that morning. He could only imagine how he was to walk up to Belton and ask leave to speak with Katherine alone. Belton would as lief plant him a facer as allow him a moment with Katherine. Knowlton knew he had not

  imagined the hostility that came over Belton every time he drew near. But Belton or no, he meant to speak with Katherine. Today.

  He spotted them at last, Katherine and the Durhams. He was surprised not to find Belton with them. Kate’s new family would have no objections to that man as her husband. Would she be willing to fly in the face of their probable opposition and marry him instead? He was much the poorer bargain.

  Knowlton shrugged off these new doubts. He strolled over to the gathering, donning a mask of feigned boredom.

  “Ladies. Durham.” He sensed Durham’s cautious appraisal.

  “We have seen so little of you of late, Knowlton,” Castalia said with a welcoming smile. “Too busy for old friends?”

  “You understand the press of the London Season,” he said smoothly. “So many obligations ... so little time.” He turned to Katherine. “I had thought, Lady Robert, in recalling your fondness for gardens, that you might like to examine them with me. Lady Gresham prides herself on her narcissi.”

  Katherine started to decline, but the pleading look in his eyes changed her mind. She extended her hand and he assisted her to her feet.

  “I will bring her back in good time,” he assured Castalia.

  “You are being so mysterious,” Katherine said once they were out of earshot of the others. “What dramatic news do you have to impart?”

  “You ascribe more significance to my attitude than is necessary,” he said lightly. “I did wish you to see the gardens. They are lovely in the spring.” He took her gloved hand and placed it on his arm as they strolled past the end of the house.

  The walked along the gravel path for some time in silence. Katherine appreciated the display of spring blooms, but hardly thought it worthy of such a conscious effort on Knowlton’s part. What was his true purpose?

  Not until they were a far distance from the house did Knowlton speak.

  “Is Robbie getting along well with his tutor?” It was an inane remark, but he could think of no other topic to start the conversation.

  Katherine looked at him with a puzzled expression. He wished to speak to her of Robbie? “He is. Not so much for the work, but he is excited about the prospect of school in the fall.”

  “And where shall he go? Eton? Harrow?”

  “Neither. I have decided he would do best at the school the Duke of Hartford’s son is attending in Norfolk. It is small, without the traditions of Eton or Harrow, but he will receive a much better education there.”

  Knowlton, remembering his life at Eton, agreed. Her wisdom pleased him.

  They soon reached the end of the formal garden. Katherine turned, anticipating the return walk, but Knowlton stopped her with a staying hand.

  “I should like to talk for a moment,” he said. With each passing minute, his cravat felt as if it were tightening about his neck. Much like a hangman’s noose.

  Katherine looked at him expectantly. He was behaving very oddly today. Was he still uncomfortable about their last encounter? He had apologized most graciously in his note, but perhaps he wished to do so again in person.

  “I understand that congratulations may soon be in order.” He would not make a fool of himself if it was too late. He could spare himself that embarrassment at least.

  She wrinkled her brow in confusion. “Whatever for?”

  “The wagering in the clubs says it is only a matter of days before your betrothal to Belton is announced.” He watched her carefully, with mingled fear and hope.

  “And where does your money he?” A flash of anger filled Katherine.

  “As a lady I know once said, it is folly to wager on the happiness of other people.” He clenched and unclenched his hands nervously.

  “I am glad you have developed some sense.” Katherine grew impatient to return to her friends, if this was all he had to say. Her emotions were already rubbed raw from the uncomfortable conversation with Belton. It was too difficult to keep herself in check, standing here next to Knowlton.

  “You have not answered my question.”

  “What was the question?” She looked him directly in the eye.

  He met her gaze without wavering. “Are you going to marry Belton?”

  “No,” she replied.

  Knowlton felt as if he had been holding his breath for the last five minutes. He expelled the air in his chest in a long outrush. It was not too late. Now, if only he could find the right words . . .

  “Katherine,” he began slowly, “I hope you can appreciate how difficult this is for me. I have done a great deal of thinking these last weeks. Many nights I lay abed, staring at the ceiling, because I was afraid to go to sleep.”

  “Afraid?”

  “Afraid. Because each night I dream of a beautiful red-haired witch who has cast a spell about me. I struggle and fight against it, but to no avail. She has bound me to her with magic as tightly as any rope.”

  Suddenly intent on his words, Katherine almost forgot to breathe. “I had not thought there were witches in our modem age.”

  “Neither did I, or I would have taken greater pains to protect myself.” He smiled ruefully. “I am well and truly caught now, and there is no hope for me.”

  Hardly daring to believe what she was hearing, Katherine took a deep breath. “Perhaps if you spoke with your witch, she would free you from her spell.”

  “I am not certain I wish her to.”

  The deep longing she saw in his eyes, the nervous smile that flitted across his lips, sent a strange trembling through her.

  Knowlton paused, taking her hands in his and bringing them to his chest, drawing her closer, as if he could transmit his intent to her.

  “This is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.” He looked down at their joined hands, then lifted his gaze to hers. “I love you, Kate. I am being driven mad with wanting you. I will not know any peace in this life until I can have you with me again.” He paused, his gray eyes reflecting mingled hope and fear. “I know I have little to recommend me as a husband, but I am begging you to marry me.”

  Katherine could not suppress her stunned surprise. “Marry you?”

  “If it is what I must do to have you, well then, I shall do it.”

  The hope that rose within her fell again. “Hardly an enthusiastic declaration.”

  “Dammit, Kate.” His voice was harsh. “What do you want of me? I have wrestled with this for weeks, arguing with myself, telling myself it would only lead to disaster for both of us. But I have not known a day of peace since you left Warrenton, and I know I will never have another until you agree to be my wife.”

  Katherine gently freed her hands and stepped back a pace. “I do not wish to cast doubts on the sincerity of your motives, Edward,” she said slowly, carefully. “But you were certainly able to put on a very convincing demonstration last fall of a man who scorned the idea of marriage.”

  “I did. Then.” There was an edge of panic in his voice. He had known it would be difficult to persuade Kate of his change, but nothing was going as he had planned. She did not sound the least convinced, and he did not know what new words would convince her.

  “I want you,” he said. “I ... I simply cannot imagine life without you, Kate.”

  She turned away so as not to see the pleading look in his eyes. Damn the man! What was she to do? One part of her wished to fling herself into his arms, accepting his offer joyfully. But she was no longer the impetuous child she had once been. What Knowlton proposed was in direct opposition to all he had said and done since she had first met him. Could one man change so, in such a short space of time?

  “Kate?”

  The note of raw terror in his voice made her turn. He stood there, hands limply at his sides.

  “I am frightened, Kate. I am terrified
of what you are doing to me, what I want to do with myself.” He closed his eyes as if seeking strength. “Help me. Help me through the fear.”

  Katherine took a step toward him, reaching out her hand to touch his sleeve.

  “I am frightened also,” she said softly. “Of what loving you could bring. If I let myself believe, only to discover I was in error, I do not know how I could endure.”

  He clasped her to him in a crushing hug. “Oh, Kate, I swear I will do everything in my power to make you happy.” As quickly as he had grabbed her, he held her away at arm’s length. “You have my solemn promise that I will never, ever do anything to hurt you.”

  Katherine’s eyes filled with tears. She wanted so much to believe him. But could she ever be truly certain of his faithfulness? The man whose legendary collection of mistresses was the talk of London? Only a fool would take such a man for a husband.

  “I know I have not set much of an example of correct behavior these last few months,” he said slowly, evenly, his gray eyes wide with the effort. “It was only a vain search to rid my mind of you.” He pulled her to his side again. “You have thoroughly ruined me for any other woman, Kate Mayfield. No matter whom I was with, your face and form always intruded upon my mind until all else became a torture.”

  He looked down at her, his expression filled with tenderness. “Had I thought there time, I would have reformed myself, to show you how I could behave. And if you should like to put me on trial, I would be more than willing to demonstrate my ability to change. But with Belton so assiduous in his attention, I feared there was not time, and I—”

  “Hush,” Katherine said, placing a finger against his lips. It was that, then, which decided her. His jealousy of Belton. It explained so much of his abominable behavior—it had all been sheer, jealous anger. She laughed at the joy of it. Knowlton. Jealous. For her.