Hard Focus

by MariaLisa deMora

  He turned and took the cup from her hand, placing it on the counter. Pulling her towards him, he covered the back of her neck with his palm and began massaging her gently. “It’s my birthday. Shouldn’t I get to pick what I want the most?” Connie made a noise and burrowed her face against his shoulder, slowly relaxing. “My pick, if I can have it, would be to have both my girls with me today. I don’t want to have to pick her over you, or vice versa. I want it all.” She remained silent a moment, letting the heat from his hand soak into her tense muscles, releasing the stiffness. “Come on, baby. Lemme take you to the zoo with my girl. I’ll buy you cotton candy.”

  Connie chuckled softly. “Sweet talker.”

  “Whatever it takes to get what I want.” He swayed in place with her, shifting side to side. “I’ll be honest.” The movement ceased, and she lifted her head, staring into his face. “It’s easier with Adrianne when you’re with us. You’ve seen it, how she’s afraid of me sometimes, but she likes you. It makes her less nervous, and gives me confidence that I can actually do this thing.”

  “You’re a good dad,” Connie disagreed with a quick headshake. “Sure, you’re a little rough around the edges with some things, but that’s just a dad thing, I think. My father was the same way with my little sister, and we were a nuclear family unit.” She smiled at the memories that rushed to mind. “I remember this one time, I was probably six, which means she would be fiveish, when he turned a shopping cart over on top of her on a parking lot. She wanted to ride in the cart instead of walking, and he told her okay, then turned back to lock the truck and didn’t see her climbing up the side of the cart. It dumped over on top of her and broke her arm.” She stared at Jonas, willing him to listen. “You haven’t met my dad”—part of her was surprised she withheld the word “yet” but she pushed forwards—“but he’s the best. And yet, his daughter’s arm was broken on his watch. You”—she poked him in the chest with one stiffened finger—“are a good dad.”

  “You’re still going to come with us, right?” He leaned close and nuzzled her neck. “Please?”

  “To the zoo,” she said softly, stifling the brief flash of resentment she felt at having her Saturday commandeered by Jonas and his child. It wasn’t as if she had anything important to do, but there was laundry and shopping, and a new book release she’d been excited to dive into today. I’ll come home before supper, she promised herself. It won’t be the whole day.

  ***

  “Stay,” Jonas murmured, lips against the side of her head. His arms were wrapped around her tightly as they stood in his quiet kitchen.

  Connie tried to stifle her sigh of annoyance. “Jonas.”

  “Please? I didn’t get my present from you yet.” Connie stiffened. “Don’t you want to stay with me? We can end the day like we started it.” He chuckled, and the sound grated on her nerves in a way it hadn’t done before. “I’d like to unwrap my present starting now.”

  It had been the whole day.

  “I’ll wait in the car,” Connie told Jonas. She eyed the two men on Audrey’s front porch. One she knew as Cole, but she hadn’t heard the other brother’s name yet.

  He sighed. “I’ll be right back.” The car’s suspension shifted slightly as he climbed out, the hard slam of his door closing echoed through the vehicle, and Connie winced at the outward expression of anger boiling inside him.

  “Is my kid ready?” She heard Jonas bark the question at the two men. They didn’t respond, not even a twitch, standing stoically in front of the door. Connie saw shadows shift behind them and knew the door was opening. “Well? Do I get the kid today, or not? I’m not late, so you can’t use that excuse this time. I’ve got her booster seat, snacks in the car, and even brought my woman like you demanded.” Connie’s head tipped to the side at that last statement. He hadn’t shared that Audrey was the one who wanted Connie to come along. “Not that it’s written in the agreement, but this is me trying to get along.”

  “Adrianne, or Addy.” Cole’s voice rumbled through the air, anger grinding the words to pieces. “Not the kid.”

  Connie caught herself nodding. That was one of the things Jonas did that irritated her the most when it came to Adrianne. It was always “my kid” or “the kid” and he only seldom spoke her name when talking about her. Talking to her was another thing, but Connie had noticed he avoided it then, too, referring to her as “my girl” most of the time. Validating a child’s identity was crucial in emotional development, and denying her name was something that felt almost cruel. She stared at her knees in surprise. Did I just think of Jonas as cruel?

  A shout from outside pulled her attention back to the drama unfolding on the front porch.

  “I’ll call my kid whatever I want to. Not like I had a choice in the matter.” At Jonas’ words, Cole took a step forwards, stopping only when his brother placed a palm against his chest. “Oh, yeah, big man. Come on down.” Jonas was taunting Audrey’s brother now, and Connie’s brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of why he would do that. They were just here to pick up Adrianne, take her to the zoo, and celebrate Jonas’ birthday. Not to pick a fight with her uncles. Uncles Adrianne seemed to like a fair bit better than her own father, and he knew it. That’s it, she thought, he feels threatened by Adrianne’s relationship with Cole and his brothers. This had to feel like the only way he could strike out against it. Jesus.

  “She’ll be ready in a minute,” the second brother said. Connie saw the movement of his hand behind his back, hidden from Jonas, and she watched as the door closed from whatever sign he’d given his sister. “Thompson, you need to not come at us with an attitude. It’s bad enough you’re here at all.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t even bother.” Jonas stepped backwards and lifted his hands to his shoulders, brushing imaginary weight off his frame. “Maybe it’s not worth the effort after all.”

  “Sweet Jesus, please do that. Give it up. Give her up.” Cole took another step forwards, and Connie saw his brother’s arm shake with the effort to hold him in place. “End this circus for once and forever. Stop doing this to my sister.”

  There was a pause, and from the shifting expressions on the brothers’ features, she wondered what they saw. Anger flared, followed quickly by a resigned sorrow registered on each man’s face as Jonas spoke. “I’ll wait by the car for my kid. Audrey’s late sending her out, you should tell her to get a move on it, and don’t make me call legal.”

  He returned to the car but instead of getting in as he sometimes did, he leaned a hip against the front fender, facing the house. Folding his arms across his chest in an unconscious mimicry of the Stewart brothers’ pose, he settled in to wait for Adrianne to come out.

  Nearly ten minutes later, the door opened and the little girl skipped out, whirling and lifting her arms to Cole. He picked her up, wrapping her tightly in his embrace, and Connie saw his lips moving next to her ear, saw Adrianne nod before she bowed backwards to stare into his face. The other brother stepped close, and she leaned over to hug his neck from the safety of Cole’s arms. The door closed behind the trio, and Cole bent to place Adrianne on her feet.

  The change in the little girl’s demeanor was startling as she turned to face her father. Shoulders going from straight to slumped, after a single glance at Jonas, she bent her neck and studied the steps, then trailed down them one at a time. Walking down the sidewalk slowly, she dragged her tiny bag behind her until Cole murmured something, then she picked it up and placed the strap over her shoulder. Adrianne bypassed her father where he remained propped against the vehicle and headed for the passenger door behind Connie. Wordlessly, the little girl climbed into the car and Connie felt the shift as the door pulled closed, then heard a click as Adrianne fastened her seat belt. Through it all, Jonas didn’t move, and neither did the two men on the porch.

  “Hey Addy.” Connie used the nickname for the first time. It felt like Cole had granted permission with his earlier words, and Connie was desperate to make the little girl feel welcome a
nd safe around her.

  “Hi, Miss Connie.” Addy’s voice was quiet, but Connie heard a thread of sadness underscoring the words.

  “You ready for the zoo, little lady? Daddy’s got quite the adventure planned for us today.” She twisted in the seat to look at Addy. “It’s his birthday today, you know.”

  “Are you going to be with us?” Addy lifted her head and stared at Connie, an uncertain expression on her face. Connie nodded and received a ghost of a smile from the child. “All day? You’ll stay with me all day?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it for anything,” Connie told her. “Promise.”

  “Okay.” The word slipped out on a huge, relieved sigh. “I didn’t know it was his birthday. I don’t have any presents for him.”

  “We’ll figure something out, okay?” Addy nodded. “I’m glad to see you, honey. Let’s just focus on having a good day, yeah?” She nodded again. “Is it okay if I call you Addy? I overheard your Uncle Cole call you that, and it’s cute.”

  “Yeah. That’s what Mommy calls me.”

  “In that case, I’m honored you’d give me permission. Thanks, sweetheart.” Connie smiled and saw a real one beginning to bloom on the little girl’s face. It dropped away quickly when the driver door opened and Jonas got into the car.

  “Hello, Daddy.” Addy said the words as if coached, and Connie frowned as the child turned in the seat to look away from the house where she lived with her mother. She’d noticed the behavior before, only now recognizing it as grief at having to leave. It was as if Addy couldn’t bear to watch the house fade into the distance, clearly wishing she was anywhere but in the back seat of Jonas’ car.

  Jonas didn’t respond, just slapped the gearshift into Reverse, backing quickly out of the drive and squealing the tires slightly as he drove away. It’s going to be a great day, Connie told herself as she turned to face front, trying to keep the tone of sarcasm out of the words, even in her mind.

  “Hello, Daddy,” he mocked Addy, his falsetto high and thready, a close approximation of the little girl’s faltering greeting.

  “Jonas,” Connie’s scold burst from her. She was shocked at what he’d done, after the dozens of times she’d heard him coax those very words from his daughter.

  “Your uncles are a piece of work. I can’t believe I still have to put up with this bullshit every time.” The click of the turn signal was loud in the silence after he’d spoken. Stunned, Connie didn’t know what to say, but Jonas apparently didn’t have the same instincts, because he carried on in the same brutal tone. “Your mother should stop hiding behind her family like that. I’m tired of this.”

  “You’re not asuppost to talk about Mommy.” Addy’s whisper barely made it to the front seat, but Connie watched as red flooded up Jonas’ neck and cheeks in reaction to the gentle chide from his little girl.

  “Why don’t we talk about the zoo instead?” Connie offered a topic change, hoping Jonas would grasp onto it, disappointed but not surprised when he brushed aside her suggestion.

  “I’m not ‘asuppost’ to, am I? I bet Mommy doesn’t stick to the rules, does she? I bet Mommy says whatever she pleases about me. Her and her brothers. I bet they aren’t shy about spewing shit about me.” He pulled out into traffic, accelerating aggressively until he had to change lanes and pass another vehicle. “I bet you don’t try to tell your uncles what to do, either. So why don’t we go with that, kid? Don’t tell me what I can and cannot talk about in my own damned car with my own damned kid. Let’s put that in the asuppost to do bucket for a change.”

  Clipping off the words, in a knee-jerk reaction to his unreasonable behavior, Connie told Jonas, “Take me to my apartment.” He shouldn’t talk to her like that. Poor child. After this kind of a start to the day, she knew nothing good would come of sticking to the original plan. “That’s intolerable, and I won’t be party to this in any way.” Furious, she found herself more than ready to make an escape. “Now, Jonas. Take me home.”

  “No,” Addy shouted, her voice cracking on the single word. Shakier words followed, and Connie realized the child had started crying somewhere along the way. “No, Miss Connie. You promised me. You promised.”

  “Yeah, Miss Connie. Are you a promise breaker now? Are you asuppost to be a storyteller? Little liar?” Jonas mocked Addy’s tone again, and Connie stared at him, wondering where this vicious side of him had come from. He’d never been intentionally cruel before, but the words flowed from him in a way that seemed practiced and comfortable, as if bullying people was his chosen pastime. “You promised to spend my birthday with me.”

  “And Addy,” Connie interjected, not trying to soften her tone. Jonas had stirred up every maternal instinct she’d always felt was missing from her. She’d never thought about wanting a child of her own, but hearing him belittle the now-sobbing little girl in the back seat had her seeing red. How dare he! “But you need to mind yourself, Jonas. I won’t be party to this little fit you’re throwing, and that beautiful child has done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. She’s just a child. You’re not. There’s no excuse for this. So stop it now. If you want me to go to the zoo today or pick up the phone the next time you call, this needs to end.”

  “You’d drop me over something like this?” His tone changed as he backpedaled, becoming cajoling in a way that rang with falseness, and Connie frowned. “Oh, come on. Adrianne knows I’m just kidding. Don’t ya, kid? Daddy’s just joking with you.”

  “No, you weren’t joking.” Connie shook her head, unwilling to back down, even though her insides were quivering with something like fear. This was unfamiliar territory, how scary it felt to push the subject. When did I become afraid of how he’d react? “You were being mean because of something that isn’t the fault of anyone in this car right now. Stop it.”

  Quiet sobs filled the air, and Connie twisted in the seat to look at Addy. Chin down, the little girl was staring out the window, hands fisted around the strap of her bag. Tears trailed her cheeks, falling in giant drops to dampen her shirt. “Addy,” Connie called and waited. When the little girl didn’t look up, she repeated, “Addy,” and was finally rewarded by a tear-filled glance. “You want me to go to the zoo?” Addy nodded slowly, holding Connie’s gaze with her own. “Then I’ll go to the zoo. For you, sweetheart.” Connie wasn’t sure if her idea of salvaging the day would work, but it was worth a try. “If Daddy says he’s sorry, can you forgive him?”

  “Forgive me? What are you—”

  Connie made a gesture where Addy couldn’t see, and he stopped talking. Heat engulfed her hand, his fingers wrapping around to hold tight. “Can you, sweetheart?” Addy nodded. Connie leaned over to put her lips close to his ear and whispered the best advice she could give him. “Okay, Jonas, here’s your chance to make today matter for this little girl. You want her to forever remember her father’s birthday with hurt and anger, or as a happy memory to build on going forwards? Because I guarantee that what you decide in the next thirty-seconds will ensure one of those two things happens.” His fingers tightened around hers and Connie fought against wincing even as he ground her bones together. “Now be the adult, and tell her you’re sorry.” She straightened and yanked her hand free from his painful grip. Settling back into the seat, she gave Addy a smile over her shoulder, watching the little girl’s chin quiver with suppressed sobs.

  They drove on a minute, then another, and five minutes later Connie thought she’d missed the mark with what she’d told Jonas. Addy had stopped audibly crying, but the atmosphere in the car was still oppressive and rank with fear and anger. As Jonas drove into the zoo parking lot, he picked out a spot far from other cars and backed between the lines. Once the car was in Park, he unbuckled and turned so fast Connie found herself rearing back from him, startled by the movement. He wasn’t looking at her, though, his eyes were fixed on Addy. Connie held her breath, waiting to see what he would say.

  “Adrianne, I’m sorry. Deeply and truly. You’re right, I’m not supposed to talk about
your mother. But more than that, it shouldn’t take a rule to make me do the right thing. Uncle Cole made me mad, and I took that out on you, and that wasn’t the right thing to do, either. I’m sorry, kiddo, and I hope you can forgive me.”

  For a moment Connie didn’t know if Addy would give Jonas what he asked for, what she’d said she could offer, and then the little girl proved herself to be more mature than her years when she spoke. “It wasn’t nice.”

  Jonas shook his head, leaning harder against the back of the seat. “No, it wasn’t.”

  “You wasn’t nice.”

  “No, Adrianne, I wasn’t.”

  “Mommy says people don’t always mean to do things they aren’t asuppost to do, like break the TV remote. If I didn’t mean to, then it’s an assident. Not an on purposeadent. Did you mean to hurt my feels?”

  “I never meant to make you cry.”

  “An assident,” she summarized, and Jonas nodded, his expression solemn. “I forgive assidents.”

  “Thanks. My sweet girl.” He turned then and looked at Connie, gaze dipping from her eyes to her lips and back again. “Do you forgive me?”

  Connie knew his words to Addy had been lies. In the moment, he had clearly meant to lash out at whoever was in range of his anger, wounding them the only reason for the words he’d flung around. She still couldn’t reconcile the man she thought she knew with the one who had acted so cruelly to her and his own daughter. For the sake of the day, she had to pretend to believe his request for forgiveness, as weak as it was. Time for some thinking to be done. “I accept your apology.” Leaning closer, she let him press his lips to the curve of her ear as she whispered, “Never, ever do anything like that around me again.” His grip around her upper arm tightened. “Let’s try and have a good day.”

  He pulled back then and stared into her face for a long moment, an unspoken emotion swimming through his eyes. “Who’s ready for some cotton candy?” Addy didn’t respond, but Connie heard the click of her seat belt. “Come on, baby,” Jonas urged her with a murmured plea. “Let me fix this.”