“What do you want?” I pant, wrapping my legs around his body so I can grind against him. I need that friction between my legs because I’m about ready to lose my mind again.
He doesn’t answer as his hands slide under the hem of my tank top. I feel myself sliding down his body, so I throw my arms over his shoulders and hold on for dear life. Once I’m settled, one of his hands remains at the small of my back, his thumb gently tracing circles while the other travels between our bodies. The gentle scrape of his calloused fingers massaging my breast sends a chill radiating through my entire body.
“You, Holly,” he says huskily. I can feel his heart beating hard against my chest. “You’ve already given me more than I thought I would ever have.”
What I know were meant to be words of affection and tenderness have me frozen in place. I want to pull away from him, but I am now pinned against the wall. Things have just taken a turn to a very serious place, one I’m not sure I can handle. It wasn’t long ago that the idea of feeling anything would have sent me running for a way to numb myself. This consuming passion is something I can’t deal with.
Tommy must have felt the tension flood into my body because he leans back, pulling his hand away from its assault on my nipple. “Baby, what’s wrong?” he asks in a soothing voice.
This situation, this moment of utter joy is getting worse by the millisecond. I’m on the verge of a world-class meltdown, all because an amazing, kind man had the audacity to show me a sentiment that, in my messed up mind, comes far too close to the dreaded L word that I’ve worked so hard to avoid for most of my life.
I shake my head, afraid to speak because I can feel everything rushing to the surface. If I speak, if I let my guard down at all, I’m certain I’ll turn into a blubbering mess.
“You promised you would talk to me, baby. Tell me what you’re feeling,” he urges. I grip him tighter, needing to feel him close to me even though my mind is telling me to get the fuck away. Fast.
With my head buried in his chest, I feel us moving. I’m clinging to him like a monkey as he makes his way up the stairs. He tips me back, depositing me into the bed before lying down next to me, both of us fully dressed. I hate that I’m still so new to feeling that I can’t control it, and because of that, what started as a morning filled with promises of sexual release has turned into this.
I have no clue what in the hell just happened. One minute, we were sitting there talking about sexual limits, and the next, Holly was having a breakdown in my arms. Now, we’re back in the bed, this time with me holding her as she cries. And it’s an ugly cry. The type of cry that sends most guys, including me, running the other direction. But I can’t run this time. I did this to her. I’m not sure what caused it, but something I said set her off.
She hasn’t cracked too many times since coming home, but it has happened enough times for me to know this is different. She’s not pushing me away. Instead, she’s hanging on to me as if I might disappear if she eases her grip.
“Baby, it’s okay,” I say, running my fingers through her hair. In the past, this has helped soothe her when she’s upset. I started doing it after I noticed that she would wring her hands through her hair, tugging with all her might when she was upset with herself. “You don’t have to tell me what going on right now, but I want you to sometime. Okay?”
She nods without lifting her head off my chest. I shift our bodies enough to reach for the quilt, pulling it over both of us and settling in for a Saturday afternoon spent cuddling her back to a better place in her mind.
Once Holly’s breathing evens out and the sobs come to an end, I reach for my phone. We’re supposed to go to my cousin’s tonight, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. If she’s no better when she wakes up than she was a few minutes ago, I would rather stay home. She doesn’t need to be put in front of that temptation when she’s ready to break.
“Hey, it’s me.” I hear a woman’s voice in the background at Zeke’s place. It’s not that he’s a monk or anything, but it’s unusual for his flavor of the night to still be there at one in the afternoon. Normally, he’s pretty quick to chase them out the door once they’re done playing around. “Catch you at a bad time?”
“Nah, we’re just getting everything ready.” Interesting. Why did he tell me he didn’t want help setting up this year? “What’s up?”
“Well…” I let my head fall back against the headboard, regretting the move when the noise causes Holly to flinch. I know Zeke’s going to give me shit for bailing on him, but the more I think about it, the more I don’t see a way around it. “I don’t think we’re going to make it tonight. Holly’s having a pretty rough day, so I think it’s best if I just keep her here and look after her.”
This is the first time since I’ve been back that I’ve missed one of Zeke’s parties. I hate the fact that it’s because of a woman.
“I get what you’re saying,” Zeke says calmly. I’m fucking shocked. I thought for sure he would be pissed off and telling me that I’m an idiot. “But I still think you guys should come. Maybe it’ll be good for her. And if not, the two of you can escape to Dylan’s for a bit or she and Tasha can go have a slumber party or some shit.”
The woman’s voice calls for Zeke again. “Who is that?” I ask, knowing it’s always dangerous to ask Zeke about his women. None of them last long, even the great ones. It’s as if he goes out of his way to find reasons to push them away. Now that I think about it, he’s almost worse than Holly that way.
“Look, Tommy, I gotta get going. We’ll talk about it later,” he brushes me off. “Think about what I said. I really do think it’ll be good for her to get out and see that not everyone hates her. Until she realizes that, how much progress she can make?”
“I hear you,” I assure him. “And I’ll think about it.”
After we hang up, I go back to watching Holly sleep. She looks so peaceful with her almost black hair fanned across the white pillow. I could be wrong, but it almost looks like she’s smiling as she sleeps. I breathe out a heavy sigh at the thought that, at least in slumber, she might be able to beat her demons.
The sun has shifted to the back of the house by the time I wake from my nap, if you can call it that. The way my body feels, I think it was more of a complete emotional overload that caused my body to shut down for a while so it could recover. I hate this hung-over feeling when I didn’t even go to the clubs.
I roll over, reaching for Tommy. His side of the bed is rumpled and cold. I wonder when he left me here. After running a quick brush through my hair, I go downstairs and find Tommy watching the football game with the laptop resting on his lap.
“Hey, sleepy,” he says, closing the lid of the laptop, motioning for me to join him. “Do you feel better?”
I curl up on the couch, my body molding against his. He drapes a blanket over my legs to shield me from the chill in the air. I’m tempted to tell him that I always feel better when he wraps me in his arms this way. But that would require admitting that I’m letting my walls down when it comes to him and I’m not sure I’m quite ready to do that just yet.
“Yes, thank you.” The only thing upsetting me right now is the fact that I ruined his plans for today. Just thinking about our discussion this morning, at least the part before I had a meltdown, makes my body come buzzing to life. I crane my neck to the side, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Thank you for taking care of me this morning.”
Tommy squeezes my shoulder. It may well have been an involuntary action to him, but to me, it’s one more small bit of reassurance that he’s still here, that I haven’t chased him away with my problems. “Babygirl, I will always take care of you. If we’re going to do this, it’s my job to make sure you’re where you need to be.”
I bristle at the thought. I’ve let plenty of people into my body, even a few into my heart, but this feels so much deeper. I realize there’s no way to turn back now because Tommy Reed is holding a small piece of my soul in his hands.
Sensing the tension building in my body, Tommy wraps both arms around my hips, pulling me on top of his body. I imagine this is what a child feels like, safely in the lap of their parent, knowing nothing will harm them. I wish I had known that kind of love when I was young. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have made the decisions I did.
“Baby, you ready to tell me what’s going on?” His tone is even, not angry. “Remember, total honesty. It’s the only way we’re going to make this work.”
As I sit there trying to figure out how to get out of telling him that I’m scared shitless of my feelings for him, that I don’t want him making me feel this safe, an idea comes to me. “If I tell you, do I get a reward?” I shoot him my best coy smile, knowing there’s no way in hell he’s not going to see through this ploy. Then again, I don’t much care what he sees as long as it ends with him and me naked.
He peppers my shoulder with kisses. “You’re a brat,” he laughs, his head falling against the back of the couch. “But if it gets you talking, I’ll let you get away with it this time. Yes, Babygirl, you will get a reward if you tell me what’s going on inside that gorgeous head of yours.
Thirty-seven excruciating minutes later, I’ve told Tommy about all of my fears. He didn’t criticize, wasn’t angry that I didn’t tell him without an incentive. He just listened. “It’s all going to be okay, baby,” he soothes me when the tears begin falling again. “It’s easy to get ahead of yourself, but right now, just feel the moment. Feel today. And tomorrow, wake up and we’ll see if we can make it even better than today. Okay?”
He paints a picture of living a content life, one filled without wondering about what’s to come. I’m so relaxed that I could easily fall asleep again. Without letting go of me, Tommy stands from the couch.
“You know I can walk, right?” I ask as he carries to the top of the stairs. I let out a giggle because, who am I kidding, I love the way he holds me in his arms, taking me where he wants me.
“Yep, know that.” He pushes open the door at the end of the hall. “Now, for your reward. I have to do something quick. When I get back upstairs, I want you sitting at the end of the bed. Naked. And you will fold your hands on top of your lap like the good girl that you are,” he instructs me.
Strangely, this is the first time I wonder if I can go through with exploring my submissive side. The thought of sitting naked in an empty room, not knowing where he is or what he’s doing unsettles me.
“What do you need to do?” I ask meekly. I don’t recognize my own voice any more than I understand the desire slowly building in my body to do as he asks for no reason other than I know it will please him.
Tommy kisses my head, his arms holding me close to his body. “That’s not for you to worry about. I’ll be back soon.” He releases me and leaves the room. I swallow hard as I hear the door latch, knowing there’s no way I’m turning back now.
Tentatively, I remove my top, throwing it toward the hamper next to the dresser. The cool airs stings my bare breasts, reminding me of what I’m doing. With every inch of skin I expose as I take off my pants, I question myself. Is this really what I want to do? Am I ready to do this for Tommy? Yes, this is exactly what you want and he’s the only person you can do it for.
It feels like I’m sitting on the edge of the bed for a lifetime, not knowing if or when Tommy is coming back. At one point, I start worrying that this is a cruel joke, that Tommy is no different from the other men in my life, and that he’s simply trying to see if I will bow to his wishes.
The difference is that Tommy is the only one I have given in to. He’s the only one I’ve let in enough to feel they are worthy of seeing the vulnerable side of me.
I feel as if I’m going to cry as I sit on the bed, waiting for the man I’ve convinced myself isn’t coming back for me. How long should I wait before I realize how ridiculous I look sitting on the edge of the mattress, legs crossed at the ankles and hands folded delicately on top of my knees?
The door cracks open and I’m rewarded with a smile so bright that I wonder if it could be seen from space like the beam atop the Luxor in Las Vegas. “You look beautiful, Babygirl,” he praises me. My body fills with happiness from his simple words. My heart pounds faster in my chest, my core is already aching for his attention.
He walks around the side of the bed, out of my line of sight. I want to see what he’s doing, but he hasn’t given me permission to look his direction. Until then, I will keep my gaze fixed straight ahead, even if it kills me. Where the fuck is that coming from? He didn’t give me permission? Since when do you need permission to do something as simple and natural as looking to see what’s going on behind you?
I’m so lost in shock at my current state of mind that I jump when I realize Tommy is standing in front of me. How did I not even hear him moving, much less see him enter my line of sight?
“Are we doing this, Holly?” This is the voice I love. The deep baritone so hot it could melt steel. I look up at him and see a nearly ravenous look in his eyes. It’s a damn good thing I’ve decided I’m all-in for this because I’m not sure I would be able to resist that look of desire if I wanted to.
I nod softly, unable to find the words to say everything I want to say to him in this moment.
“Tell me, Babygirl. You need to tell me you’re ready for what’s to come,” he urges me.
“Yes, Tommy, I’m ready,” I whisper. I wish I sounded more confident, but this is one of those turning points in life that scares me.
I finally notice that he’s holding something in his right hand. The blindfold he used on me the other night. My pussy clenches, knowing that tonight he’s going to use it to taunt me in an entirely sexual way.
“Turn,” he commands. When I don’t move, his hands grip my hips twisting my body on the bed. The mattress dips behind me and I feel Tommy’s fingers begin raking through my dark waves. Once he’s satisfied, I feel him braiding my hair before securing it at the end. “If it gets to be too much, you need to say ‘red’ and I will stop immediately. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” My throat is dry, probably because all of the moisture in my body has traveled south.
“Yes, what?” He coaxes. I swallow hard, knowing what he’s expecting from me. It’s something I can’t give him. Not yet.
“Yes, Tommy,” I respond, hoping it will be enough for him.
“Baby, when we’re in here, I would appreciate you calling me ‘Sir’. Can you do that?” My heart drops. What will he do if I tell him the truth? It’s nothing against him, but I’m still not in a mental place where I can bring myself to commit that completely to anyone. Because of the rules I’ve set for my life, I’m not sure I will ever be able to do that without feeling as if I’m losing a piece of myself.
Keeping my head tilted to the ground, I look up through my eyelashes to gauge his mood. He seems apprehensive as well. At least this isn’t easy for him, either. But I can’t understand what would make him come across that way.
“Answer me, Holly,” he says forcefully. “There is no wrong answer here; I simply want to know if you can follow this one simple request.”
I feel tears welling in my eyes. I’m nervous because if I don’t please him, he currently holds the power to crush me by saying that we won’t move forward. I shouldn’t have let him under my skin.
He crouches in front of me, rubbing my bare thighs. “It’s okay, Holly. Please tell me what is going on in your head.”
“I can’t go that far, Tommy,” I admit to him. “Maybe someday, but not now. And honestly, someday may never come….”
Tommy spreads my legs apart, standing so he can position himself between my open thighs. He hasn’t said a word and I’m beginning to panic.
“Look at me, Holly.” My gaze snaps to his as soon as the words leave his mouth. I know this isn’t a request; it’s a command.
“I’m sorry, Tommy. Maybe I can’t do this,” I cry. When Tommy first started pushing me to explore this side of my personality, I thought it was going to
be fun and games. I pictured something like what I’m used to with Leather & Lace Night. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that I would be caught up the way I am. I foolishly thought I could keep my distance from him while getting my kicks. I was so wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong.
Unexpected Protector (Isthmus Alliance) Page 13
