by Steven Croft
‘Sure, yeah,’ said Sam. ‘Sit down.’
Josie closed the door. ‘It’s not very easy,’ she said. ‘I’ve not wanted to tell you. I’m really pleased we got back together. I’m really happy about the way everything’s worked out and that we’re going make a go of it and keep the baby.’ Josie rubbed her tummy as she said this and then took Sam’s hand.
‘I’d never have told you this before,’ Josie said. ‘But you’ve changed. You’re so much – just so different really. It’s just that while we were – you know – after we’d split up – I didn’t mean to – but I went one evening with my old friends and got together with someone else. It was just for a night. It didn’t mean anything. I was on a rebound. I’d had too much to drink. You know how it is. I just didn’t want there to be anything between us now, you know, we’re going to be parents…’
Sam sat quietly, head bowed, cheeks burning. Something inside him felt very hard and cold and angry and hurt. Another part was telling him that all of that was unreasonable and that he should be gentle and understanding. Just for the moment, the cold, hard part was winning. He could feel the harsh words bubbling and boiling their way to the surface.
Megs stuck her head round the door after she had said goodbye to Andrew. ‘Sam,’ she said, ‘have you seen Alice? She’s not in her room and her boots and coat are gone. I thought she might be in here with you. Sorry to interrupt, Josie.’
Sam checked what he was going to say but withdrew his hand from Josie’s. ‘I heard the door bang earlier,’ he said, ‘while we were all in the kitchen. I came in here to look.’
‘I’m really worried,’ said Megs. ‘She’s never just gone off before.’
‘She can’t have got very far,’ said Sam. ‘You stay at the house. Nasty Nick’s going to be here anytime. I’ll go out and look for her. Josie, we’ll need to finish this later.’
The last few words came out more sharply than he intended. Josie looked hurt. Megs winced.
Sam charged upstairs for his jacket and phone. There was a text message and a code: eleven, colon, thirteen. No time for that now. On the way downstairs he stopped to check in any case. No buttons had been pressed on the calendar. The surface of the mirror was hard and unyielding. There was no way Alice could have gone through without him.
‘I’m going. Give me a call if she comes back.’
Megs was pacing up and down in the kitchen, really worried now. Josie put the kettle on, anxious about Alice but also about Sam. Neither of them wanted to use the phone in case Alice tried to ring. The rain ran down the kitchen windows.
Sam looked up and down the street, stepping back every now and then to avoid the water thrown up by the cars. There was no sign of his niece. ‘Where would she go?’ he thought. ‘Alice hates being cold. None of her friends live nearby. She must have headed into town.’ There was no queue at the bus stop. Sam took his place in the shelter and hoped the next bus would not be long.
**********
Alice pressed her face to the bus window and let her tears flow. It wasn’t fair. All the adults in her life just lived their lives with no reference to her. Her stupid father got a new girlfriend so she and Megs had to move miles away. She was just getting used to that when Sam split up with Josie and she had to get used to living with him. Her dad only made contact when he felt like it – which wasn’t very often. Now Megs was clearly getting together with one of her teachers – the one half the school was in love with. Alice could imagine the taunts if it got out.
The bus arrived in the town centre and Alice got off. She mooched around for a while, not really thinking where she was going. The cold and the rain led her, with the rest of the crowd, to the indoor shopping mall. Everywhere was brightly lit. Everyone, it seemed, was shopping in twos and threes. No one else was on their own. Everyone was in a tearing hurry, rushing about, heads down.
There was a strange new shop, Alice noticed, on one side of the mall. The sign above the door read in small neat letters: ‘The Christmas Preparation Shop’. There was nothing at all in the window. Completely empty. Inside there was nothing on the shelves.
‘Strange,’ thought Alice. ‘Have they sold out already? Or is it so new that they haven’t got any stock yet?’
She pressed her nose up against the window. Around the sides of the shop were little cubicles. Each was equipped with a telephone, pens, envelopes and paper but nothing else. There were no customers – unlike every other shop in the mall which was packed out. No one else seemed to take the slightest notice. There was a kind of reception desk just inside the door covered in green fabric. Standing behind the desk, perfectly still, was a small dapper-looking man in a smart suit and a bowler hat. He caught Alice’s eye, smiled and raised his hat to her. Instantly, Alice looked away.
There was a coffee shop next door and Alice was now cold and hungry. She had dashed out of the house before breakfast. She had just enough money for a large hot chocolate, as well as the fare home. She paid for her drink, collected it from the end of the counter and looked around for somewhere to sit.
The only vacant seat in the place was at a table near the window. The tall scruffy man in a hooded coat who sat there had his back to her and was reading his newspaper.
‘Excuse me,’ said Alice. ‘Do you mind if I sit here? There’s nowhere else.’
‘Be my guest,’ said a deep, familiar voice. ‘Delighted to see you.’
‘JB!’ said Alice, genuinely pleased. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Drinking my coffee, reading my newspaper and waiting for you.’
‘How did you know I would be here?’ Alice asked.
JB just smiled and tapped the side of his nose gently.
‘What about Sam?’ she asked.
‘He’ll be along,’ said JB. ‘That’s why we’re in the window. Tell me about your morning. You’ve been crying.’
Alice told him all about it: Andrew Watkins, her dad, Megs, Josie, even Sam. ‘They all treat me like an object. They all expect me to fit in with them, whatever. So I ran away. Not for ever. Just to teach them a lesson.’
JB said nothing. He was, thought Alice later, a very patient listener. A moment after she had finished, she jumped as JB tapped on the window. There was Sam, just outside the coffee shop, his eyes scanning the mall. Alice suddenly felt extremely guilty.
As he heard the tap on the glass, Sam turned round and took in the sight. He was cross and relieved at the same time and marched into the shop.
‘Where have you been, young lady? Your mother’s worried sick. Running off like that without a word. I didn’t know where to find you. And haven’t we told you not to talk with strangers? No offence, sir.’
‘None taken,’ said JB, with a smile, throwing back the hood of his great coat. ‘But nor am I exactly a stranger!’
Sam gaped. ‘This is a very strange morning,’ he said. ‘The code arrived earlier. We can punch it in when we get back.’
‘No need,’ said JB. ‘What I want to show you today is right here.’ He held out some money to Alice. ‘Alice, would you mind getting Sam a cup of coffee while he sits down and takes all this in?’
‘No problem,’ said Alice.
‘Tall Gingerbread Latte,’ said Sam, looking a bit dazed, ‘with cream – and some ginger biscuits – if they have any.’
As Alice turned away, JB addressed himself to Sam. ‘So tell me what’s been happening with you today.’
‘Nothing really – just a normal Saturday. Megs has a new boyfriend. Josie came round. All fine – except for Alice running away. Hadn’t I better ring home?’
‘In a moment,’ said JB. ‘And that wasn’t what I meant.’
‘Oh!’ said Sam. ‘That. Not easy that one, JB. Josie told me she went with someone else. Hurts, you see.’ He tapped his chest.
‘I do,’ said JB. Alice came back with the coffee and bis
cuits.
‘It’s time you two learned the most important lesson about getting ready for Christmas.’
‘Presents?’ said Alice but without conviction.
‘Cards?’ said Sam, with even less.
JB shook his head. Both of them looked outside at the shoppers for inspiration.
‘Turkey?’
‘Tinsel?’
‘Tree?’
JB shook his head again and lifted his eyes to the ceiling. ‘Clueless.’ He took out a mobile and picked up a ginger biscuit, biting the end off. ‘Phone home, Alice. Let your mum know you’re safe and with Sam. We’ll be home soon. You finish your coffee,’ he smiled at Sam, dunking the biscuit.
The phone call to Megs was short and to the point. Alice still didn’t feel very warm towards her mum. Nick had just arrived apparently. Josie was still there.
Sam finished the last of his drink. Alice passed him a napkin and pointed to her top lip. ‘Cream moustache,’ she said, smiling for the first time that day. JB led them both out of the coffee house and into the doorway of the new shop Alice had seen on the way in.
‘I was looking at this before,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t seem to sell anything.’
‘Absolutely right,’ said JB, opening the door and leading them in. ‘It doesn’t sell anything at all. Everything in here is given away.’
‘So why is no one coming in here?’ asked Sam.
‘They can’t see it,’ said JB, sadly. He waved to the man behind the counter. ‘Mr Gabriel,’ he said, ‘this is Alice. I think you’ve met Sam.’
‘Miss Carroll,’ said Mr Gabriel politely, raising his hat. ‘Delighted. Heard so much about you. Mr Brown. Pleased to see you again, sir. Congratulations on the journey so far. We are most impressed, sir, madam.’
‘Suffering sea snakes, we’ve met before,’ said Sam. ‘Hamleys. The Calendar Department.’
‘Correct, sir. Delighted to be of service.’ He turned to JB. ‘What is it to be today?’
‘We need to sit down a moment and then we’ll need the screen.’ He led them to a corner of the shop where there was a small table and three chairs and a large plasma screen.
‘The most important lesson to learn about getting ready for Christmas,’ said JB, ‘is the one about forgiveness. All over the world, all year long, people hurt those they love in terrible ways.’ He picked up a remote control and pointed it at the screen. It divided into four sections. ‘The pictures are live,’ he said. ‘Fortunately there is no sound.’
Alice and Sam looked. They saw a husband and wife quarrelling; two elderly people walking sadly apart from each other; a grown man nursing a grudge against his father; two sisters who never spoke. Every few seconds, one of the images changed. Sam and Alice saw a succession of lonely, broken people in a world that was fragmenting.
‘Scratch the surface of any family,’ said JB, ‘and you will find deep fractures. Parents estranged from their children and children from their parents. Husbands and wives who live together still but whose hearts are full of bitterness. Brothers torn apart by jealousies which began in childhood. Sisters who never speak because of wrongs done to them years ago. Divorces which began with imagined neglect. Children separated from grandparents by pride which cannot make the first move. Lonely, estranged people carrying their own hurts, searching desperately for love.
‘Why do you think it is,’ he went on, ‘that people spend so much on Christmas? What is it they are looking for in the bright lights and decorations, food and drink? Each one is lonely. Each one is chasing friendship and community.’
He flicked off the television screen. ‘And that is why the most important lesson in preparing for Christmas is this: use these weeks before the Holy Day to practise forgiveness, to be reconciled, to let go of old hurts and wounds, to bring hearts and lives together again. There is no better way to get ready for the King.’
‘How can you forgive,’ said Alice, ‘if you have been so badly hurt?’
‘You have to want to do it,’ JB said, ‘really want to do it. Sometimes it helps to talk it through with someone else. But the best way is just to decide you will forgive and, if you can, let the person know. That’s why this little centre is equipped with phones and pens and paper.’
‘Shouldn’t you wait, sometimes, for the other person to make the first move?’
JB shook his head: ‘If each is waiting for the other, the waiting will last for all eternity. Make the first move. Make up. Be reconciled. Forgive and you will be forgiven.’
He stood up as he spoke and put one of his massive arms around each of them. ‘Come!’ he said. ‘This is one lesson which is learned in the doing not the hearing.’
He waved to Mr Gabriel who lifted his hat a final time and JB led them through a curtain into what looked on the outside like a fitting room.
In the corner of the fitting room was a mirror with a soft and misty surface. ‘You first, Sam. Put things right.’ Sam squeezed his hand, stepped through carefully and found himself back in the front room. Alice followed. Both of them looked back, expecting JB to be with them but the surface of the mirror simply reflected back to both of them their shabby, dirty image.
Alice quickly turned away, not liking the sight but determined to do as JB had said. She somehow had in her mind a picture of Megs and herself drifting further and further apart all down the years ahead.
‘Mum, I’m back,’ she called. ‘I’m sorry I ran off.’ Megs came out of the kitchen, into the hall and caught Alice up in her arms.
‘You absolute tinker,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry. It was all too much too soon, I know.’
Alice set her feet back on the floor, held her mum’s hands and looked into her eyes. ‘Mum, I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. I love you very much.’ Megs hugged her again and held her close. ‘I forgive you, too, darling. We can get through this together.’
Sam went upstairs looking for Josie. He knew she wouldn’t be in the kitchen with Nick and Megs. Sure enough, she was in his small bedroom, eyes red and swollen. He knelt next to her on the bedroom floor and took her hand.
‘Josie – look – what you said earlier – it really hurt. I know that’s daft and I had no right to take offence. I just can’t stand the idea of you being with anyone else. Not now. I love you so much it hurts. But even though it hurts very much, I still think you were right to tell me. Nothing should come between us, not now. And I want you to know that if there’s anything to forgive – then I forgive you. It’s over.’
Josie was in tears again and he embraced her.
Alice thought hard about her dad for the rest of the day. He took her out for lunch, just the two of them. It didn’t feel right, somehow, to come right out and say she forgave him. Running off with someone else was on a different scale, somehow, to what Megs had done. But there was a sort of shift on the inside. And as they were saying goodbye, she managed to stammer out that Nick was still her dad and she loved him.
Later on, Alice and Sam sat together by themselves in the front room while Josie and Megs washed up after tea. Sam and Josie had been out to buy a Christmas tree and Alice was sorting through the decorations whilst Sam checked all the lights.
‘JB was right, wasn’t he?’ said Alice. ‘It’s very, very hard. But it is the most important part of getting ready...to forgive.’
Sam couldn’t speak. He just nodded and his eyes were drawn once more to the open door of the calendar. In the doorway two tiny figures were locked together in an embrace: reconciliation.
16 December
Megs kept her promise and took Alice to church on Sunday morning. Sam had offered to cook lunch to make up for last Sunday but Megs thought it wiser to put on a casserole before she left.
Alice took the red invitation with her again, just in case, and Megs put on her best coat. As they got ready, Megs admired hersel
f in the mirror in the front room. ‘I’ve wanted a mirror like this for ages, Alice. It’s like a really nice early Christmas present. Come and look at yourself.’
Alice stood in front of Megs and looked carefully. She knew all Megs could see was a nicely turned-out daughter who was growing up fast. What Alice saw was someone who was stained and dirty from head to toe, whose clothing was ripped and torn, whose hair was streaked with dirt.
This week, of course, they were on time and Alice said hello politely as she was given a book and waved to the nice man who spoke to them last week. Brenda came over to say hello.
‘Hello Alice. Good to see you again. Is this your mum?’
‘Megs Carroll,’ said Megs, holding out her hand.
‘Brenda Fisher. Is this your first time here?’
Megs nodded. ‘We’ve not lived here long.’
‘You’re very welcome,’ said Brenda. ‘Just make yourself at home.’
‘That’s nice,’ whispered Megs as Alice led her to a seat.
To Alice’s great surprise, Megs knew her way around the service book and guided her through. ‘You know what to do!’ Alice whispered. ‘I never knew you used to go to church. Why have you never taken me before?’
‘Tell you later,’ said Megs. ‘Shhh.’
Alice let the words of the service wash over her and just enjoyed the great space and the time to think. So much was happening to her and the people she loved. She found herself thinking about Abraham and Sarah and Col and JB and wondering what they would make of church. She said a prayer for Megs and Sam and Josie and Grandad, who was still poorly. Her favourite part was where the vicar lit another candle in the Advent crown at the front of church. There were three burning now. Only one more Sunday and it would be Christmas.
Megs led Alice forward when the time came to receive communion. Again, to Alice’s surprise, Megs held out her hands and took a small piece of bread and drank some wine.
‘What’s that all about?’ Alice whispered as she got back to the pew.
‘Tell you later,’ said Megs, squeezing her hand.
