by K. Ryan
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched the booth directly to my right. This was exactly what I was counting on and probably more than I ever could’ve hoped for...because that booth held nearly every single boy that had led the student body’s charge in obnoxious, demeaning, and sexually explicit comments directly right at yours truly and sandwiched right in between them was Luke, one of the only students who’d vocally advocated on my behalf.
They were nothing if not predictable creatures of habit.
I’d probably never get this opportunity again, so as soon as my to-go order was in my hand, I went for it before I could talk myself out of it. As my gaze scanned the wide eyes and blank stares gaping at me, part of me wanted, once again, to cut and run. They’d gossip about my little appearance here at Burger Bar anyway, so why not give them some more fodder? But that wasn’t why I was here.
You’re the adult in this situation, I reminded myself.
My eyes landed right on Logan, the boy who’d ‘played’ me in the senior skit, and it was right on the tip of my tongue to say something along the lines of ‘you’re quite the actor’, but my life had been ruled by negativity for too long and now, I needed to focus on the positive. Now, I needed to move forward.
“Hi, Luke,” I smiled and waved a little with my free hand. “It’s good to see you. How are you?”
Surprise flickered over his freckled face for just a moment, but he quickly recovered. “Oh, hey, Ms. Owens. It’s good to see you, too. I’m good...just chilling. Eating some burgers before we head over to the basketball game later.”
“Figures,” I laughed and kept my focus directly on the boy speaking to me, rather than the other boys in the booth, who were pretty much white as sheet. “How’s your mom doing?”
Luke’s face dropped for just a second, which was understandable considering he’d just endured his second round of holidays without his dad, but once again, he wiped the wistfulness from his face just as quickly. He really was a great kid.
“She’s good,” he answered with a tight smile. “Thanks for asking.”
“Would you tell her I said hello?”
“I will,” Luke nodded. “I appreciate that, Miss Owens.”
There was so much more I wanted to say to him, but I couldn’t do it here in front of all his friends. I’d probably never get this chance again, but my hands were tied. I wanted to hug him and tell him how proud I was of him, how proud his dad would be, how he was one of the few boys in that school who gave me hope for the future, but I didn’t want to embarrass him or cause any problems for him.
But as I waved goodbye and turned on my heel to head back to the parking lot, I abruptly shifted back to the table. My eyes found Luke one last time and while I didn’t want to make him the butt of a joke, I needed to do this and I couldn’t leave until I did it.
“Hey, Luke?” I called over my shoulder and squared my shoulder to the table.
He frowned back at me. “Yeah, Miss Owens?”
I swallowed back the tears stinging my eyes. These kids wouldn’t see me cry, not even because of this.
“Thanks,” I nodded to him with a tight smile.
It took him a second, but the moment he realized the weight of what I was saying, a small smile crossed his face and he nodded back, even though the other boys around him snickered and elbowed him.
“Anytime, Miss Owens,” he called back to me as I turned to leave once again.
This time, I didn’t look back. With my to-go order in one hand and my dignity in another, I walked out of Burger Bar and headed to my little beat-up Corolla. On my trek from the exit to my car, I walked right past a group of girls on their way in.
“Miss Owens?” A familiar voice called out to me.
I frowned and whirled around to see Lacey, one of the girls I remembered seeing at school on that fateful morning. She looked almost exactly the way I remembered her: dark wavy hair, worn jean jacket, and jeans rolled-up at the ankle, but she was smiling and waving now instead of whispering behind my back.
“Oh, hey, Lacey,” I waved back. “How’s it going?”
Despite the fact that the other two girls she was with stopped right in their tracks and stared me down like I was an animal at the zoo, Lacey didn’t miss a beat.
“Oh, you know, same old, same old.”
I smiled at her, glancing briefly at the other girls who still stared right back at me. “Good to hear. You must’ve heard back from some colleges by now, right?”
“I did. I got into UW-Milwaukee and UW-Green Bay.”
“That’s great, Lacey! Congratulations! Have you decided on a major yet?”
“Yeah,” she laughed a little unsteadily. “I’m actually going to be a teacher.”
I couldn’t stop the wince. Part of me wanted to scream, Don’t do it! Run while you have the chance! But I wasn’t exactly in a position to be handing out life advice either.
“That’s really great, Lacey,” I told her instead. “What do you wanna teach?”
She smiled softly. “History. Just like you.”
Anything I might’ve said died in my throat.
“You were a really good teacher, Miss Owens. The best,” Lacey pushed on. “I just wanted to tell you that.”
Tears stung my eyes once again and it took all my remaining strength to hold back them back.
“Thanks, Lacey. I really appreciate that.”
She smiled back at me with a stiff wave as she continued on the path towards the restaurant’s entrance, both of us satisfied with the exchange. I guess there wasn’t anything else to say and as I drove out of the parking lot and back onto the road that would lead to the highway, the tears I’d held at bay broke free, flowing with abandon down my cheeks and dripping onto my lap.
I’d always known I was a good teacher, even if I didn’t particularly enjoy it the way I should have, but knowing I’d played a part in her life…it was a gift. I’d made an impact and that had to be enough.
That part of my life was over and I needed to let it go. It wasn’t all clouded in painful memories...but teaching was my past. I needed to look towards my future now.
A future that needed to be fulfilling. A future that needed to make me happy. Even if that future didn’t include Finn, I needed to figure out how to feel whole again. I needed to start practicing what I preached, so to speak, and finally heal.
Now, as miles of distance separated me and my hometown, I felt purged. I felt free. And I supposed it was only fitting that the first song I found on the radio was “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift. Having drank the Taylor Kool Aid a long time ago, I embraced my Jerry Maguire moment and sang along at the top of my lungs. There was no one else here to care and I just let it fly, shaking my shoulders, dancing in the driver’s seat, and singing along as Taylor shook off the haters and the players.
There were tears in my eyes, but these were the good kind of tears. The tears that meant there was no more humiliation, no more devastation, and no more shame in my life. Everything was literally in my rearview mirror now and I’d never felt more alive.
I was finally free.
That peace and happiness followed me all the way down Highway 41 and back into Milwaukee, my new hometown, until I sucked in a deep breath and abruptly took the next exit before I could stop myself. This was a bad idea and probably a bad idea that wouldn’t end well either, as most bad ideas were wont to do, but this couldn’t be helped and I pulled into my old parking lot at my old apartment building before I could stop myself. I was probably only going to end up hurting myself, but it was too late now and I still had some more things I needed to say.
I hit the buzzer at the shared entryway, but the voice that answered wasn’t the one I wanted to hear.
“Hey, Slinger,” I murmured into the speaker. “It’s Emma. Is it alright if I come in?”
“Sure. Why not?”
A second later, he buzzed me in and I stepped inside the old familiar hallway, smiling wistfully at Mrs. Johannsen’s doorway. When I vent
ured further down the hallway, my eyes flicked to the left and landed on my old door. My heart lurched and churned...if things had been different, if I’d been different…
The door flung open to reveal Slinger, who was really a sight for sore eyes, and Mara appeared at his side a moment later, surprise and a little bit of happiness flickering across her face. Any initial hope and whatever expectations I might have had went right out the window the second my eyes flew to the duo sitting on the couch.
There was Finn, dressed in those worn jeans I knew so well and a rumpled Youth and Young Manhood T-shirt, which I now knew was a reference to the first Kings of Leon album, but his attire wasn’t where my attention landed first. All my focus lied on the girl sitting on the couch with him, who at first glance, with her easy and open demeanor, seemed to be everything I wasn’t and everything Finn deserved. They were laughing about something and he had his arm thrown around the back of the couch, as close as he could be to having his arm around her without actually touching her, and my throat burned.
He looked happy.
And just as suddenly, the laugh died on his lips and Finn’s face dropped when he realized I was standing in the doorway.
I don’t know what I was expecting. Of course he was here with another girl. Of course he’d moved on. Why wouldn’t he? Why couldn’t he? We’d broken up almost two and a half months ago and he had every right to find someone who could give him what he needed, especially after what I’d put him through for an entire month. I was kind of surprised he wasn’t storming over here and slamming the door right in my face.
Instead, he swung his arm away from the couch and stalked over to the doorway, slipping in between the space left vacant by Slinger and Mara, who’d immediately stepped aside for him. He promptly shut the door behind him and I gave myself this moment to drink him in, to inhale his musk and oak scent, and to wish things were different.
“Em,” Finn started finally and raked a hand through his hair, a familiar gesture that made my heart ache. “What are you doing here?”
I froze and just as suddenly, I backpedalled.
“I’m sorry,” I shook my head and moved backwards. “I shouldn’t have come here. I didn’t mean to interrupt and I...I should leave.”
His hand reached out, skimming my forearm until his fingers finally closed around my wrist to pull me back. My eyes shot down to where our bodies were connected, my skin practically leaping off the bone at his touch, and he immediately dropped his grasp, shoving his hands in his pockets before either of us could do or say much else.
Finn pushed out a rough breath. “Why are you here, Em?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and when I opened them again, I found light eyes imploring me, but I didn’t know what he was asking. Did he want me to stay? Did he want me to go? I didn’t know...so I just said what I’d come here to say.
“I went home,” I told him quietly. “I talked to my mom and I pretty much told her she’s a horrible mother and that she hurt me. It felt really good to say that to her.”
I paused for a moment to gauge his reaction. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes crinkled a little in concentration as he listened intently, so I just pressed forward.
“I don’t think it made much of a difference, but at least I said what I wanted to say to her, you know? She didn’t really say a word to me, but that was okay because she listened. That’s all I wanted. And...I guess I just wanted to tell you that, but I didn’t mean to come over here and disrupt—”
“It’s okay, Em,” Finn cut in quietly, his eyes still fixed on me with an unfathomable expression. “That’s...that’s really good.”
“And,” I went on. “When I left town, I stopped at a burger joint and the whole place was pretty much crawling with former students. I talked to them like nothing ever happened and I saw Luke…do you remember him?”
Finn nodded tightly.
“I said thank you to him. That felt really good. And I saw another girl told me I was a good teacher. That felt really good, too. I didn’t…” I shook my head. “That’s all I wanted to say. I was just driving home and I wanted to tell you.”
He nodded again, his face twisting with pain, and he opened his mouth to reply, but shut it just as quickly.
“I’m gonna leave now,” I told him with a tight smile. “I really should’ve called or texted or something before coming over. I’m sorry about—”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he murmured and his left arm lifted for just a second like he wanted to reach for me, but his arm dropped back down to his side. “I’m glad you got what you wanted. I’m really happy for you, Em.”
“Thanks,” I whispered, tears burning my eyes, and I took a step backwards. “I didn’t mean to—well, what I mean is, I miss you. I really do. And I’m...I’m so sorry for everything, Finn. I told my mom that she’d made everything about her and I realized that I did the exact same thing with you. I made our whole relationship about my drama and my bullshit instead of actually letting myself be happy for once and...what were you getting out of it anyway, right?”
I laughed a little in spite of everything, but Finn clearly didn’t see the humor here. Instead, his face twisted with that familiar heartache I’d grown so used to seeing at the end and his jaw set in firm line.
“You were right about everything,” I told him softly. “You got too close and that scared the hell out of me, but I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I should’ve talked to you instead of running and I’ll never forgive myself for throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me. That’s my fault and I wish I could take it all back, but I know it’s too late. I’m sorry for that, too.”
There was nothing more to say. Telling him I loved him right now wasn’t fair to either of us, especially him. I could stand here for a little bit longer and add to our discomfort or I could just cut my losses and save us both the trouble. I opted to just cut our losses.
“I should go,” I told him and smiled sadly.
I left Finn standing in the hallway again and once again, I was the one walking away. This time, though, I didn’t feel like I was running or hiding or any of the things that had kept us apart to begin with. This time, it was just over and I had to find a way to live with that. I didn’t want to be without Finn, but I’d have to figure it out. What did I really expect? Finn to just be waiting around for me to randomly stop at his apartment to beg forgiveness so we could run off into the sunset together?
Life didn’t work that way. I knew that better than anyone. Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped in today, but it was just as cathartic as driving into Hickory today. And maybe I needed to let Finn go now too—I’d already put both of us through enough and I’d had plenty of chances to set things right. If we were meant to be, we’d figure out a way to be together, wouldn’t we? With some time and some distance, maybe we’d cross paths again someday, but until that day came, assuming it ever did, I needed to figure myself out first.
It was time to start accepting responsibility for the things that were my fault and letting go of the things that weren’t.
And as I crossed town, I took yet another exit to take me to my last destination of the day. Unlike my last impromptu stop, this one I’d planned ahead of time and had taken the necessary steps to fully prepare. I had things to offer the world—all things I’d wasted since my teaching career ended and it was time to rectify that.
So, I walked into the Milwaukee Public Museum, pushing aside the fact that the last time I’d been here was with Finn, and didn’t stop until I reached the main office. After a few minutes of waiting as the receptionist disappeared down a hallway, I straightened my shoulders when the human resources director stepped outside of her office.
“Hello,” she greeted me. “What can I help you with?”
With my resumé in hand, my reply was short, simple, and heavy with long-lost power: “Hi, my name is Emma Owens. I was wondering if you were hiring?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
A few days later
, I woke up with a smile on my face. I stretched my arms up over my head, trying not to jostle Oliver too much. He’d taken to sleeping right in between my legs, whether it just made him feel safer or he liked using my shin as a pillow, which was fine and sweet, but uncomfortable as hell for me. I literally couldn’t roll over or even really move all that much unless I wanted to roll right on top of my cat.
Let’s face it, the little dude owned me and he knew it.
Despite a stiff back and my foot falling asleep, that smile on my face stayed in place. Life felt okay now and the smile on my face only widened because I knew it would still get better, too. During my brief meeting with the museum’s HR head, she’d taken one look at my resumé, saw the words ‘broad field social sciences’ and ‘educator’, and she immediately sat me down for an impromptu interview. While any positions in curating would require a master’s degree, which I didn’t have, she informed me that I was a perfect candidate for the museum educator position they had available, which I’d already deduced myself.
After some standard questions about my teaching experience, she quickly scheduled me for a second interview with the Director of Education the next day. That interview went just as well as the first one did until it hit the inevitable snag:
“So, Emma,” his voice had taken on a more serious tone and that was how I knew what he was going to say next. “I contacted your former principal and he had an, uh, interesting explanation for your termination.”
I’d anticipated that. I’d mentally prepared myself for that. Hearing it out loud, though, still caught me off-guard and still brought heat flushing my cheeks. I’d pushed it away and spoke the truth.
“I understand, Mr. Newman, and I appreciate that you were still willing to speak with me after your conversation with Principal Denfield. The best explanation I can give you is that the administration decided to let me go without investigating the circumstances of how those pictures got online, which they deemed inappropriate behavior. Had they investigated, they would have learned I was the victim of a crime. My ex-fiancé posted those pictures without my permission to hurt me and at the time, it ruined my life. I didn’t do anything wrong and yet, I was the one who was punished. I’m still working through the damage, but I want to put that behind me and move on with my life. I hope you understand that.”
