We clocked in over 150 shows across 57,000 miles that year—the United States, Mexico, Canada, Australia, Europe, and Japan—three full laps around the world. We’re never going home, I thought to myself once again. For more than half my life, Against Me! had been the thing that pushed me forward, the thing that held me back, and the thing that almost killed me. But this time, it was the thing that saved me.
I’m at the final page of this journal. When I get home, I’ll toss it atop the pile with the rest. Dozens of books, filled top to bottom in ink, teeming with my every thought, fear, and emotion of the last three decades. I’ve decided to burn them all, a funeral pyre for Thomas James Gabel. A true prick. I hope we never meet again.
There’s a sticker on the cover of this one, a purple heart placed there with care by Evelyn. She told me I would see it while away on tour and think of her. And on another night, I will, but tonight she is right here with me for this show. I’m watching her on the couch across from me as she climbs on James, my loyal guitarist, my faithful friend, the punk with the green mohawk who went running down our high school halls.
It means so much to me for Evelyn to stand on the side of the stage and watch us play. I want her to keep those memories of people cheering for me and singing my songs. I only hope one day when she faces ridicule, when she has to justify her father to her peers, that she will recall these moments and it will go down easier.
Evelyn grabs something from the coffee table and comes running over to me with it. It’s the new issue of Rolling Stone. On the cover is a close-up shot of Madonna. She looks exactly the way I remember when I first saw her at five years old, the same age Evelyn is now. Red lipstick, piercing blue eyes, not a single blond hair out of place. Her skin is delicate and gorgeous.
“Daddy, who is this?” she asks me.
“That’s Madonna, Evelyn,” I tell her. “She’s a musician.”
“Just like you?”
“Just like me.”
It’s time to take the stage. The band huddles in a circle, and we throw our hands into a pile. Evelyn squeezes in and puts hers on top.
“To rock and roll,” I say, and we break into a cheer.
James heads out of the room with Inge and Atom filing closely behind. I take one last look in the mirror, a little less afraid of the person I see staring back.
“You ready, Evelyn?” I ask. She looks up at me and nods.
Then we walk down the hallway together holding hands—me and her.
MY FIRST SCHOOL PHOTO.
ME, MY BROTHER MARK, MY DAD, MY MOM. THE ONLY PHOTO I HAVE OF THE FOUR OF US TOGETHER.
ME (WITH A MOHAWK) AND DUSTIN PRACTICING IN HIS PARENTS’ BASEMENT WITH OUR FIRST PUNK BAND, THE ADVERSARIES.
HAVING BEEN KICKED OFF THE SHOW BILL AT THE STATE THEATRE, KEVIN AND I DECIDED TO SET UP AND PLAY ON THE SIDEWALK OUT FRONT, ACCOMPANIED BY ANYONE WHO WANTED TO JOIN IN.
KEVIN (LEFT) AND ME ALL DRESSED UP TO GO TO A PARTY. I WAS JEALOUS OF HOW GOOD HE LOOKED IN THE DRESS.
IT TOOK ME YEARS TO PERFECT THE PUNK SNEER. HERE I AM AT 19 YEARS OLD STILL GETTING IT DOWN.
KEVIN, JAMES, DUSTIN (IN FRONT), AND ME ON THE TOUR THAT WOULD END IN A VAN ACCIDENT. BEING A BAND FROM FLORIDA, WE WOULD GET OVEREXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THE NOVELTY OF SNOW. SAID EXCITEMENT WOULD WEAR OFF ONCE WE REALIZED THE VAN HAD NO HEAT.
BROKEN DOWN SOMEWHERE ON THE ROAD AND WAITING FOR A TOW TRUCK.
THE TOW YARD WRECKAGE OF OUR FORD ECONOLINE VAN AFTER BEING REAR-ENDED BY A SEMI TRUCK AND ROLLING MULTIPLE TIMES.
FIRST SHOW OF OUR SUMMER TOUR WITH FIYA AT THE DIY SHOW SPACE TIGHT POCKETS. DUSTIN’S LAST TOUR WITH THE BAND. WE HAVE ALWAYS FELT LOVED AND AT HOME IN ATHENS, GEORGIA.
MYSELF, ANDREW (IN THE CORNER), JAMES, JORDAN, AND GUNNAR (OUR FRIEND AND DRIVER) ALL GETTING SETTLED IN OUR SLEEPING BAGS FOR A LONG COLD NIGHT SLEEPING IN A SQUAT IN ITALY.
SHIRTLESS, DRUNK, AND GETTING CARRIED AWAY QUITE LITERALLY, THROWN OVER ANDREW’S SHOULDER.
THE ONLY PHOTO I HAVE OF ME AND CC. OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET, SO WE WOULD HAVE NEVER PURPOSELY POSED FOR A PHOTO TOGETHER.
A LEGENDARY NIGHT OF SHIRTS OFF, BEER DRINKING, AND ARM WRESTLING (YES, THIS KIND OF SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENS ON TOUR) WITH PLANES MISTAKEN FOR STARS AND NO CHOICE. LEFT TO RIGHT: MATT BELLINGER, ME, JORDAN KLEEMAN, GARED O’DONNELL, MOWGLI, AND ADAM VOLK.
A CONTEMPLATIVE MOMENT ONSTAGE AT THE STATE THEATRE IN SAINT PETERSBURG, FLORIDA. A VENUE I GREW UP SEEING OTHER BANDS PLAY AT, IT STILL TO THIS DAY STRIKES ME AS SPECIAL TO PERFORM THERE.
THE COVER PHOTO FOR OUR WE’RE NEVER GOING HOME TOUR DOCUMENTARY: ANDREW AND I JUMPING UP FOR A MIDAIR HIGH FIVE.
AFTER FINISHING MIXING THE NEW WAVE ALBUM AT ELECTRIC LADY STUDIOS IN NYC, BUTCH VIG INSISTED WE ALL GO TO THE HAT STORE ACROSS THE STREET AND BUY CELEBRATORY HATS.
BACKSTAGE AT STARLAND BALLROOM IN SAYREVILLE, NEW JERSEY, WITH BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND HIS SON EVAN.
THE FOUR OF US FEELING AND LOOKING COMPLETELY DRAINED AFTER PLAYING A SCORCHING-HOT DAYTIME SET AND TWO YEARS ON TOUR IN SUPPORT OF THE NEW WAVE ALBUM.
STILL NEWLY IN LOVE, SITTING ON STEPS OUTSIDE OF A VENUE ENTRANCE IN BERLIN.
WANDERING AROUND DOWNTOWN BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA, WITH PHOTOGRAPHER RYAN RUSSELL TAKING PUBLICITY PHOTOS AROUND THE TIME OF MY 2008 SOLO RELEASE HEARTBURNS. RYAN HAS LONG BEEN MY FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPHER TO WORK WITH.
THE ONE-OF-A-KIND POPE OUTSIDE A GAS STATION ON OUR FIRST TOUR WITH HIM.
FLEXING OUR MUSCLES AND EATING OATMEAL AT HOME IN SAINT AUGUSTINE, FLORIDA.
INGE, ATOM, ME, AND JAMES ON THE ROAD TOURING FOR TRANSGENDER DYSPHORIA BLUES. THOSE WERE SHOWS I HONESTLY NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
LAURA JANE GRACE:
Thank you Cait Hoyt for always believing in my ability to actually pull it together and finish writing a book, and for finding the best home for said book.
Thank you Dan Ozzi for reading through decades’ worth of my journals, helping me to make sense of it all and shape it into a story, and for still talking to me afterwards.
Thank you Mike Ferraro for the early editing help when first starting work on this book.
Thank you Chris Norris for all the years of graphic design conspiracy.
Thank you Mauro DiPreta and Hachette for giving me the creative freedom to write the story I wanted to write and being infinitely patient and understanding through the finishing of it.
Thank you to all the artists and bands that I’ve had the honor of sharing the stage and touring with over the years. Also, to the crew working behind the scenes who helped make each show possible and for teaching me that there is no person more important than another on the road.
I can’t possibly thank every single person individually named in this book, but I owe all of you a great deal of gratitude for the impact you’ve made on my life, the good and the bad. I’m thankful for what I’ve learned from each one of you. It has shaped the person I am today. If I had to live it all over again, I wouldn’t change anything for the world.
DAN OZZI:
Thank you first and foremost to the inimitable Laura Jane Grace for inviting me to work on this book with her despite there being literally hundreds of other candidates more skilled and qualified. I can say with no degree of uncertainty that working with her changed my life. For the better, mostly.
Thank you to Chris Norris for whatever it is he did on this book.
Thank you to Mauro DiPreta and everyone at Hachette for going along with our ideas that were at times so esoteric and unmarketable that most other publishers would have balked.
Thank you to all of my friends and family, who are so great in number and their support so overwhelming in magnitude that I wouldn’t possibly know how to go about properly expressing the extent of my gratitude to them.
Thank you to Annie Flook for her saintly patience while I put our lives on hold to get this book done.
And thank you to my best friend, Tami Lynn Andrew, who introduced me to L
aura’s music when we were just kids by reading me her lyrics over the phone, and whose name now adorns her book forever and ever.
Thank you for buying this ebook, published by Hachette Digital.
To receive special offers, bonus content, and news about our latest ebooks and apps, sign up for our newsletters.
Sign Up
Or visit us at hachettebookgroup.com/newsletters
Copyright
Certain names and identifying characteristics have been changed, whether or not so noted in the text.
Copyright © 2016 by Total Treble, LLC
Cover design and interior design by Christopher Norris/Steak Mtn
Cover copyright © 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.
The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Hachette Books
Hachette Book Group
1290 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10104
hachettebookgroup.com
twitter.com/hachettebooks
First ebook edition: November 2016
Photos courtesy of the author, except for the following: (here) Joe Leonard, (here) Bryan Wynacht, (here) Bryan Wynacht, (here) Wes Orshowski, (here) Ryan Russell, (here) Jason Thrasher, (here) Ryan Russell, (here) Ryan Russell
Hachette Books is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Hachette Books name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Hachette Speakers Bureau provides a wide range of authors for speaking events. To find out more, go to www.hachettespeakersbureau.com or call (866) 376-6591.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
ISBN 978-0-316-26438-9
E3-20161006-JV-PC
Tranny Page 23
