by Nalini Singh
Pain lingered in the fine lines that had formed at the corners of her eyes, but as he watched, she took a deep breath, lowered her lashes, and when they lifted back, her pain was gone. Shielded. Hidden. Except from Valentin. Inside him, he felt all of her, all her glory and all her hurt.
They walked out to join the party hand in hand. It began in a muted form as reunited friends and family cried and hugged, but then the beer began to flow--along with champagne for the fancy ones in the clan--and the laughter started.
Clanmates caught up, they danced. The small bears were allowed back into party a little past their bedtime, before being laid down on makeshift sleeping nests around the party area. The cubs fell contentedly asleep despite the chaos, happy being in the heart of clan.
Valentin joined in the celebration.
He laughed, he talked, he even entered a beer-drinking contest, but all the while his mind was on the woman with hair of moonlight who had fit so naturally into StoneWater.
When it came time to dance, he danced with her first, tucking her close to his body so she could go limp and abandon her teeth-gritting control for a fragment of time. He held her as she shuddered in pain, the movement hidden by his body and the energetic dancing all around them. "I've got you, moyo serdechko," he whispered, because she was his heart, the idea of a life without his Starlight by his side a nightmare beyond bearing. "I've got you."
He said the same things that night, as she slipped into unconsciousness after putting herself out using a psychic technique. And he held her all night long, his bear's heart tearing itself into a million pieces.
Chapter 38
I have often been asked what gave me the courage and the hope to continue the peace negotiations in the face of so much terror and bloodshed. The answer is love.
Even in the depths of the wars, even in the deepest horror, I saw lovers kiss and parents hug their babies, I saw brothers and sisters laugh together and I saw enemy soldiers raise an orphaned child as their own.
Love, this maddening, joyous creature of light--it refused to die. So how could I give up?
--From the private diaries of Adrian Kenner: peace negotiator, Territorial Wars (eighteenth century)
THE CALL CAME at six forty-five a.m. the next morning, while they were still in bed. Silver was awake and curled into him, her hair a cool moonlit river over the arms he'd wrapped around her.
This call, however, had to be answered.
Ashaya Aleine's face was drawn with fatigue, but her eyes were crystal clear. "We think we've come up with a solution that has a chance of long-term success."
Valentin closed his hands over Silver's shoulders from behind, the two of them speaking to Ashaya via Silver's organizer, which she'd propped up on a shelf at the right height. "How dangerous is your solution?" Valentin asked.
"Dangerous," Ashaya said flatly. "Silver could die on the operating table."
His entire being rebelled, his claws threatening to erupt from his fingertips.
"I'd like the details." Silver raised one hand to close it over his.
"Frankly, it's experimental." Ashaya folded her arms, her upper body clad in a light blue shirt with long sleeves. "You're the first and maybe only ever patient."
"Not if it works," Silver responded, sounding far calmer than Valentin felt. "If this works and if audio telepaths are identified soon enough, they can be saved."
Ashaya pursed her lips, then shook her head as if shaking off an unwanted thought. The dark curls of her unbound hair bounced around her head. "Samuel Rain was the one who put us on this path."
"What did he suggest?"
"It wasn't so much what he suggested as that he brings a wild card into the situation that makes me and Amara both think in new ways. In this case, that's led us to consider rerouting your neural pathways."
The scientist brought up a diagram. "Since we're working on the assumption that emotion and audio telepathy are linked--and it is still an assumption notwithstanding the data we've been able to gather--it follows that if we disconnect the two, the Tp-A part of your brain may simply stop working."
Silver's next question made Valentin want to wrap her up and hold her close where nothing and no one could ever hurt her. "I'd still be able to feel?"
Ashaya's expression was grim. "I don't know. Despite hundreds of years of research, the exact mechanisms of psychic power aren't well understood. It could be that one can't exist without the other. You've done enough research on your own to know the other risks."
"Yes, there are myriad possible complications." Silver still sounded far too calm.
Not calm at all, Valentin gave in to need and wrapped her in his arms from behind. "Explain them to me."
"It's possible that in rerouting my pathways," Silver said, "they could damage my primary telepathic ability."
"The brain is a complex mechanism." Ashaya unfolded her arms, her expression pensive. "Things are linked in ways we don't fully understand. The operation could succeed in permanently shutting down Silver's audio telepathy, erasing her ability to feel emotion at the same time--or it could give her audio telepathy a far larger pathway." She paused. "The latter risk is low given all we know, but it is present."
Valentin's bear rose inside him, agitated and angry. "Cutting the link between Silver's secondary ability and emotion seems like a simple solution. Why hasn't anyone else ever thought of it?"
"My family considered it long ago," Silver told him. "But the risk at that time was catastrophic and, with my shields working to block my audio channels, I had no need to take that risk."
"The technology just wasn't there," Ashaya added, before bringing up more detailed diagrams of the proposed operation. "As you may be aware, Silver, I'm Designation M."
"With the ability to manipulate DNA itself."
Ashaya's lips tugged into an unexpected smile. "Of course a Mercant would know that. This would be much safer if I could manipulate your DNA, but I have no idea which part of your genetic code to target, given the mysteries that still surround psychic abilities."
"I understand." Silver inclined her head. "When can you operate?"
Ashaya shook her head. "I'm no neurosurgeon. We've lined up a brilliant one whose discretion is unimpeachable, but I'd like to take several further scans, keep you under close observation for--"
"I don't have much time, Ashaya." Silver's voice was crystalline in its precision.
Valentin crushed her closer, aware the pain was ripping her to pieces. He willed the mating bond to take more, give it to him. He could take it, take anything for his Starlight.
"The sound level is close to unendurable," she continued. "I'm having trouble distinguishing your voice from the others screaming in my head. Valentin's is the only clear one."
"That's the mating bond kicking in to assist." The other woman picked up an organizer, appeared to be flipping through pages of data. "How long before you can no longer maintain?"
"Twenty-four hours."
Valentin's bear staggered. "Can you organize the operation that quickly?" he asked Aleine.
The scientist pinched the bridge of her nose between her forefinger and thumb, thinking so hard he could almost hear it. "Yes," she said at last. "But we need Silver for those twenty-four hours for scans, observation, brain mapping."
"Tell me where," Valentin said. "I'll make sure she gets there."
Surprisingly, the operating suite proved to be only a short drive away, the surgeon having already been in the region when Ashaya contacted him. It was in the same private hospital where Silver had had her scans. Owned by Krychek as it was, Valentin had no concerns about the staff's discretion--the cardinal might be ruthless, but as Valentin had noted long ago, he inspired loyalty among his people.
"How will you and the others get there?" Silver asked Ashaya.
"Don't worry about us. Just make your way there ASAP."
"Let's go," Valentin said, already moving to grab his socks and boots.
"You can't come with me," Silver ar
gued, even as she changed. "The clan needs you today more than it ever has."
He wanted to roar at her like one of the damn lions who went around telling people they were the kings of the jungle. He'd like to see the peacocks strut if they pissed off an alpha bear. All Valentin's bear would have to do was sit on one and he'd win. "My mate comes first!" It came out a yell. So did his next words. "That's how a clan works! It all flows from the top!"
Of course she didn't give in, his Starlight with her spine of steel and her capacity to embrace an entire clan as family. "Your clan--our clan--is hurt, Valyusha. The normal rules don't apply."
"Fuck yes they do." Ignoring the mess of his own hair, he pushed his hands through the silk of hers. "I am not letting you go through this alone." It was a growl of sound.
"They'll be testing for the entire day." Silver stood toe-to-toe with him, the infuriating, beautiful woman. "Arwen can stay with me for that, and you need to allow him that. He's an empath. He's had me within telepathic contact his entire life."
Valentin kissed her lush mouth. "You don't have to convince me about family, you maddening woman. I understand." It was obvious Arwen adored Silver, idolized her. Valentin understood family. Understood that, sometimes, a man had to share his greatest treasure. "Scans and tests only?"
A nod. "I'll contact you the minute they confirm the time of the operation itself." This time, she was the one who kissed him. "You can be there in under an hour."
The latter was true, Krychek having located his private facility on the outskirts of Moscow, on land that was otherwise unoccupied except for trees and wildlife.
"Before I go," Silver added, "I need to see the clan, quietly tell my friends that I have to be away from Denhome for a while."
He sensed no sadness or bleakness in her, only a fierce determination. "Don't betray your secret," he said. "It protects you." It wasn't that he didn't trust his clan, but they were a big group, and people could let things slip without any bad intentions behind the slip.
"Agreed." Silver smiled. "We'll do this. We'll beat it."
"Hell yes, we will."
*
EXHAUSTED by the tests and the level of noise in her head, Silver nonetheless continued to hold on to hope. It was hard, but she refused to surrender, to give in--if she did, it was Valentin who'd hurt. And that was simply unacceptable.
After the long day, she was almost surprised when the surgeon stated that he had enough data to perform the operation. "Three hours," Dr. Bashir told her. "You should inform the large male who dropped you off. I certainly don't want him coming after me for lack of notice."
Silver nodded and, sitting up on the examination table, waited for the surgeon to leave before saying, "Arwen." Her brother had waited outside while Dr. Bashir completed his final examination--a full-body workup.
Her overall health would factor into her recovery.
Are you clothed? her brother asked.
No, I'm stark naked and looking to involve you in an incestuous orgy.
Pushing aside the privacy curtains, her brother walked in with a faint scowl, his designer gray suit paired with a tie in a darker gray, his shirt white. "Those bears are a bad influence on you." But there was no humor in his face, in his eyes. "So?"
She just nodded. And opened her arms.
He jerked into them, holding on so tight she could barely breathe. She held him back as closely, her sensitive, gifted brother who had kept her "human," even in the depths of Silence. The empath who would make sure she didn't turn into a psychopath, even if she lost the capacity to feel. "I'm Silver Fucking Mercant, Arwen. This won't beat me."
Arwen's jerking tears came to a sobbing stop before turning into muffled laughter against her shoulder. "Those bears again?"
"Valentin." The thought of him made joy fill every cell of her body, made her know what it was to be fully alive. "Are you saying he's wrong?"
Arwen shook his head, his arms still locked around her. "You are Silver Fucking Mercant."
She stroked his hair until he lifted his head. Wiping off the remnants of his tears, she said, "I love you, Arwen." She'd never said that to him, to her twin who wasn't a twin.
His throat moved as he swallowed convulsively. "Me, too," he said, his voice a rasp. "You know Grandmother will never forgive you if you do this without telling her."
"I'll talk to her after I tell Valentin the time of the operation. Grandmother will handle it much better now that I can present her with a solution."
Arwen's eyes held hers. "Come back, Silver. I can't do life without you."
"You should call Pasha. He knows how to do life, and I'm sure he wants to do certain things to you, too."
Color flooded Arwen's cheeks. "You've definitely been corrupted by the bears." Lifting her phone off the side table with that accusation, he handed it to her. "You'll want to call Grandmother and your alpha bear yourself."
"Yes." She waited until he'd stepped out before making the call to Valentin. Then, she called the woman who'd been the defining force in her life.
*
TWO and a half hours later, Silver sat prepped and ready on a hospital bed, Valentin in front of her.
"Promise me something," he said.
When she tilted her head questioningly to the side, he said, "If the operation takes your emotions, I want you to promise me ten dates afterward. A chance to win you back."
"I promise," Silver said without hesitation. "But Valentin, you understand nothing will win me back if my emotions are permanently suppressed?"
She touched her lips to his before he could answer, the kiss a gentle thing. It was so strange, how powerful touch could be. She could keep this big man in place with a butterfly caress. Once, she'd have taken it as a sign of weakness on his part, power on hers. That was before she understood the touch would have as deep an impact on her, that she'd do anything to make him smile, make him feel pleasure.
Today he shuddered, this strong bear who had hands twice as big as her own, and whose physical strength dwarfed hers many times over. "You'll lose me," she said because she had to prepare him for the hurt she might inflict. "The surgeon believes there's a seventy-five-percent chance of success--"
Valentin's face cracked into a huge smile. "Damn that's good."
"There's also a very high chance that the operation will permanently deaden the part of me that feels." Ashaya and Dr. Bashir had come to that conclusion earlier today. "I'll be gone. You'll lose me."
"You'll lose yourself, too." Valentin's voice came out raw. "The woman you are without Silence, the full brightness of you, solnyshko moyo, it'll be shoved into a small box."
Silver went motionless; she'd been so worried about him that she hadn't thought about the consequences to herself. It slammed into her with brutal force. If the surgeon did turn off the part of her that felt, it would permanently turn off a part of her. The part that could hug and tease her brother. The part that could kiss a child's cheek, the part that felt not only loyalty toward her grandmother, but also a deep, deep love and an unending pride.
The part that loved Valentin until loving him was an essential element of her being.
"Oh." A shaky sound of acknowledgment.
Powerful arms wrapping around her, a bass heartbeat against her cheek. "I'll die," she whispered. "Part of me, a part I've barely had the chance to explore, it'll die."
"But you'll live." Her mate's voice was barely human. "You'll live and you'll be Silver Fucking Mercant who owns her enemies and who I'll get to see shining bright for the rest of my own life."
Silver blinked back the staggering sense of loss. "I'll be able to protect my family in the coming decades of uncertainty." So many lives, so many futures. "And I'll be there for StoneWater. I vow this. Even if I forget my emotions, I'll remember the vow. So long as I draw breath, the clan will always have a friend in the Mercants."
Amber eyes stared into her own, her Valyusha's forehead pressed to hers. His generous heart deserved to never again feel pain, but she knew h
e'd endure it because that was who he was. An alpha to the core. A man who would never let her down.
"Silver Fucking Mercant, Ice Queen and my mate. Lyubov moya." His voice shook on the words of love. "You will be that to me to my dying day. If the worst happens and if you ever need me, call. I'll be there. I'll always be there."
Chapter 39
Death comes in endless forms. Of the body. Of the soul. Of the heart.
--Catriona Mercant, philosopher and warrior (circa 1419)
THEY'D COME FULL circle, Valentin thought as he sat beside Ena Mercant in the waiting room of the private hospital early the next morning. Once again, he waited to see if Silver would wake up, while beside him sat a regal woman who reminded him too much of the brilliant, driven telepath who was his other half.
"You've made a sacrifice." Ena's voice was as cool as always, as cool as Silver's could get when she wanted to make a point.
"Grandmother, I have no idea what you're talking about."
"My granddaughter holds you in high esteem," Ena said. "You could've convinced her to make a different choice."
His head snapped toward her. "Hell no! I would've never done that!" Gritting his teeth, he rose to his feet, stalked across the small space and back. "We're talking about her life. If I could give up my own to save hers, I'd do it in a heartbeat."
Ena's eyes lifted to his, alpha to alpha. She gave a regal nod right as his bear was starting to rumble in his chest. "Regardless of today's outcome, I won't forget what you were to my granddaughter."
Valentin thrust his hands through his already wildly tumbled hair, fought the urge to pull. Sitting down beside Ena, he did something he probably shouldn't. He reached out and put his arm around her. She stiffened but didn't pull away. "She's magnificent. And she's ours. We'll do whatever we have to, to protect her."
"Yes."
That was all that needed to be said. They sat in silence until the doors to the operating theatre opened hours later. Ashaya and Amara Aleine walked out together with the surgeon, a fortysomething man of medium height. As expected, Amara broke off to head down the corridor in the opposite direction, while Ashaya and Dr. Edgard Bashir came toward them.
All were dressed in surgical white, though they'd removed the transparent gear that would've covered their heads and faces during the operation, as well as all other accoutrements of the surgical suite.
