Able laughed. “Okay.” Able put his stuff down, turned to Creepy, and pulled up his shirt. “I have tits.” Then he took the key that Shannon handed him, unlocked the door, and went inside.
Creepy followed. “We could do a threesome,” he suggested.
Able turned and punched him in the face. “He’s mine!” Able slammed the door and erupted in laughter.
Shannon joined in.
“I’m hungry,” said Able. “How about pizza with jalapeno peppers and sausage and a six-pack of beer?”
“No peppers on my side,” said Shannon.
Shannon took a long shower. Able yelled when the pizza arrived.
“I thought I was going to have to come in and rescue you,” Able joked when Shannon came out of the bathroom.
Shannon laughed, picked up a slice, and took a big bite. “It’s pretty good, but those peppers on your side look like they are on fire. If I ate one, I could burn down the wall tonight.”
“I have a rock hard stomach.” Able lifted his shirt. “Go ahead. Poke it.”
Shannon looked at him.
“Go ahead.”
Shannon poked Abele’s pudgy belly. “Yeah, I see that rock hard stomach.”
“It’s not hard on the outside. It’s hard on the inside.”
“I don’t think it’s hard on either side,” said Shannon.
The two men ate and drank, watched TV, and shared some more laughs.
“What do you do for a living, Shannon?” Able asked between bites.
“I’m a scientist. I locate active volcanoes.”
“Really?” Able laughed. “There are no active volcanoes here. What do you really do?”
“I look at rocks.”
“You came to the right place. Plenty of rocks here.”
“What do you do, Able?”
“I sell bibles, and this is a good place to do it,” Able said. “What religion are you?”
“I am an atheist,” Shannon admitted.
“I’ll see if I have any atheist bibles here,” Able said, opening one of his suitcases.
“What is an atheist’s bible? I never heard of one before.”
“I got more than one. I have Hustler, Playboy, and Nudity. The bible selling is just a front. Want one to look at?”
“No. It would just keep me up all night, anyway, if you get my drift.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“I’m going to bed,” said Shannon
“You mind if I eat the last slice of pizza?”
“Go for it.”
Shannon rolled into bed and went to sleep. A loud growling noise woke him at four a.m.
“Able! Able! There’s an animal in here,” Shannon whispered.
All of a sudden, Able raised his leg and farted.
The gas blew Shannon across the bed and onto the floor. Shannon crawled into the bathroom and shut the door, shaking. Shannon heard another and another, and then it got quiet. Shannon cracked the door, and the smell rolled in. He slammed it shut.
Shannon shoved towels under the door and turned on the exhaust fan. He grabbed two more towels, got into the bathtub, covered up, and went to sleep.
In the morning, Shannon ran for his bag and ducked back into the bathroom. He took a shower and got dressed. He grabbed his things, went down to the front desk, and rang the bell.
The clerk came out. “What can I do for you?”
“My name is Shannon I.B. Gay. Is my room ready?”
The clerk backed up and pinched his nose. “Rooms are not ready till noon. What is that smell?”
“I stayed in another room last night because you gave my room away. I had to sleep with Able Fart, and his name says everything. I slept in the tub, I took a shower, and I still stink.”
The clerk threw him some deodorant.
Shannon sprayed it on thick. “Do you know a Bubba Dee?”
“Maybe, are you looking for a woman?”
“No,” Shannon answered.
“Then I never heard of him, but there is a large flea market today. Just about everyone goes there.”
“Can you give me directions to the market?”
“Take the double doors outside and make a left. Keep walking straight. It’s not that far down the road. If you don’t want to walk, I can call Boy.”
Shannon shook his head and walked towards the doors. “Thanks, but I’d rather walk.”
CHAPTER 6
Desert Oasis
Shannon arrived at the flea market. “Wow, this is big.”
He made his way through the tables and stands. He asked for Bubba Dee, but nobody had heard of him unless Shannon wanted a woman.
Shannon bought a pair of pants and a shirt. A young man wearing a turban caught Shannon’s attention.
“Would you like to buy a piece of Jesus’s cross for fifty dollars?” the young man asked.
“Don’t I know you?” he asked.
“I don’t think so. I’m from the great Sahara, and I’m a man of God. This is the first time I’ve been here. Where are you from?”
Shannon said, “I’m an American.”
“I’ll sell the piece for forty dollars since you are an American.”
Shannon snatched the turban off his head. “I knew it was you, Boy.”
“What are you doing? Boy is my twin brother.”
“I’m sorry. I thought you were him.”
“Can I sell you a piece of Jesus’s cross?”
“I’m atheist.”
“Then you need this real bad. I’ll sell it to you for five.”
“I’ll give you five dollars if you leave me alone.”
The kid in the turban smiled. “Make it ten.”
“I said five.”
“Okay.”
Shannon handed over the money. “Where is this piece of cross?”
The kid handed Shannon a piece of wood on a string. “I hope it brings you good luck.”
Shannon laughed. “It’s probably just a piece of wood from a door.”
He put the wood in his pocket. The kid walked away laughing quietly.
“Hey, Boy, you need five more to get those brakes fixed?” asked Shannon.
The kid turned and answered “Yes! Ah, shit.” He turned and ran.
“Come back here!” yelled Shannon, chasing him through the crowd and into an alley.
“Shit. I lost him,” said Shannon, leaning on a barrel and trying to catch his breath.
Then the barrel shifted. Something was alive inside. Shannon pounded on the barrel. “Come out of there, Boy. You can’t hide from me!”
Boy popped out. “You’re hurting my ears.”
“Give me my money back,” demanded Shannon.
“No one has ever caught me before. How did you do it?” asked Boy.
“I’m good,” said Shannon.
“It had to be the piece of the cross.”
“You sure this came from Jesus’s cross?”
“All I know it came from a cross that I found in the desert.”
“I’ll keep the wood, and you give me my other ten dollars back.”
“I heard that you are looking for Bubba Dee. I know him.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?”
“I’ll give you your ten bucks, and when we get there, you give it back to me.”
“That’s fair. Where is Bubba Dee?”
“He lives in the desert. It’s about a three-hour walk, but if we fixed my bike, it would be quicker.”
“Do I look that dumb? Come on. Let’s go.”
“What about water for the trip?” asked Boy.
“If you have to have it,” replied Shannon.
They stopped at the Watering Hole. Boy bought one bottle of water, and Shannon bought two big bottles.
“Is that all you’re going to buy?” Boy asked.
“For your information, Boy, I’m like a camel. I could cross this whole desert on one bottle, and sell you the other bottle for a hundred dollars.”
After two hours in the desert heat, Shannon was exhausted. “Are we there yet?”
“For the tenth time, no!” said Boy.
“Do you have any water left? I’ll give you a hundred for it.”
“No, I don’t, and where is your water, Mr. Camel?”
“I’m going to die,” said Shannon. “It’s so hot.”
“Look for a cactus,” Boy said, laughing.
“Hey, I found some eggs.”
“Leave them alone, Shannon. They’re probably lizard eggs.”
“You want them bad, don’t you, Boy, but guess what? They’re all mine.”
Boy said, “I’m out of here.”
Shannon got on his knees and began eating the eggs. He looked up to see a big lizard staring him in the eyes. He screamed, got up, and ran like a girl. When he finally caught up to Boy, he was breathing hard. “Why didn’t you help me?”
“If you had listened to me, that would have never happened, but that was the funniest thing I ever saw. Did it bite you?”
“No. I was too fast for it.”
“I thought you were dragging that lizard by your ass for a while.”
“I don’t know what you saw. I stood my ground, and scared it off.”
“Then what’s that rip in the ass of your pants?”
“A stick must have grabbed me.”
“Looks like a lizard bite to me. Where is the stuff you bought?
“I lost it.”
“Yeah, sure. I bet that lizard is wearing your new shirt.”
“Whatever, Boy.” Shannon saw the lizard again. “Look out! There it is!” Shannon took off running.
“I’m not falling for that,” Boy laughed.
CRUNCH!
“Ahhh!” Boy screamed. He took off with the lizard tightening his grip on his rear end. Boy’s pants finally ripped, and the lizard fell. When he caught up with Shannon, he asked, “Why didn’t you help me?”
“Did it get you?”
“Nah, I’m too fast for it.”
“Okay, then what’s that hole in the ass of your pants?”
“I, umm, caught it on a stick.”
Shannon smiled at Boy.
They walked for another hour, and darkness began to fall. Neither said much until they came upon giant tents filled with lights. The sign read BUBBA DEE’S HAREM.
“Well, we’re finally here. Bubba Dee’s Harem,” announced Boy.
“Thank you, Captain Obvious. It’s about time I thought you said three hours. Why is it all lit up?”
“He is a pretty popular guy.”
“Is there a road here?”
“Yes.”
“You almost got me killed again, and we could have driven?”
“I ask you to fix my bike, and you said you weren’t that dumb, Mr. Camel.”
“We could have taken a taxi.”
“Taxis don’t come back here.”
A yellow car pulled up covered in dust.
“Is that a freaking taxi?”
“No, it’s just an old car.”
Shannon subsided, and Boy sighed. “That was close,” he muttered under his breath. “Hey, there’s Bubba Dee. Let me do the talking.”
Boy waved and yelled, “Hey, what’s up, Bubba Dee? How’s it hanging?”
“It’s hanging,” answered Bubba.
“This is Shannon from America. He’s a scientist. He’s here about the volcano. He says you wrote him about it. He’ll need camels, a place to stay, food, and water.” Boy gave Bubba Dee a wink.
“Ah yes. I remember. Come on in. Come on in, America. We have everything you need in here. Even lady friends. The ladies are numbered, and this is Two. She will help you order, and I will see you later.”
“Sir, we have different meals,” Two said, brushing her long, dark hair away from her bronze skin. “They are up close for twenty-five, in middle for fifteen, or out back for ten.”
“I would take the twenty-five, if I were you,” suggested Boy.
Shannon turned back to Two. “There isn’t anything like a good deal. I got this, Boy.”
“You got my ten?” Boy asked.
Shannon handed him a crumpled bill, then turned to Two. “I’ll take the one out back,” Shannon said.
“Follow me,” Two said. She led Shannon to a seat. “Your waitress will be here in a moment with your food and drink. She will take care of you all night.”
“I can’t see the show very well from here.”
“That’s why they call it the outback.”
Another dark-haired girl approached. “Hello, I’m your waitress, Ten. Here is your food and drink.”
“Just put the food on the table,” said Shannon. “I’m trying to watch the show.”
“Only good show here is me.”
Shannon looked at Ten. “Oh, my God.”
“Yes, God made this, and everyone thinks I’m a goddess. I will make you feel like a king, and I will be your queen. Would you like to feel my beard or my nice hairy legs? I know it will turn you on. After you’re done eating we can swop spit.”
“Ah, what kind of food am I eating?” asked Shannon, hoping to change the subject.
“You have the outback special. Its donkey dick, sweet leaves, and potatoes, and you can have me for dessert.”
“Can you get me more to drink?”
“Would like some milk from my breasts? It only costs a little more for this delicacy.”
“No. Um, I’m lactose intolerant.”
“I don’t think my milk has lactose in it, Kingie Baby.”
“I only like my mom’s milk. It was chocolate. Is yours chocolate?”
“No,” Ten replied, disappointed.
“Then I’ll just take the wine.”
“All right. I will be right back, Kingie Baby, with your wine.”
“I got to get out of here,” Shannon said. He got up and took a turban off the rack. He made his way to the main tent in his disguise.
“I need a tent, please,” he said.
“What is the number of your lady and your name? If you don’t remember her number, she will find you by your name,” answered Three.
“I don’t remember her number.” Shannon thought quickly. “My name is, uh, Fred.”
“That will be a hundred dollars. Will that be cash or credit?”
“Credit.” He handed her a card.
“I thought you said your name was Fred. This card says Shannon,” said Three.
“That’s my friend’s card. I’ll just pay cash.”
Shannon paid, went to his tent, and went to bed.
CHAPTER 7
Volcanic Activity
Shannon was awakened at three a.m. The curtain of his tent blew open, and a woman appeared.
“My name is Volcano. I heard you were looking for me.”
Shannon stared in disbelief. Her black hair hung in curls and was draped in a colorful cloth. She began to dance, and the coins from her sarong jingled. A long, lit cigar was in her hand.
“I am looking for an active volcano,” Shannon said.
“I’m all active,” she said.
She dropped her cloth, revealing nothing underneath. She climbed on his bed and began to jump around. She exhaled a plume of smoke.
“What are you doing?” Shannon asked, confused.
“That is the smoke blowing out of the volcano.”
Volcano got on top of Shannon and beat her legs against his head.
“What are you doing now?”
“These are the rocks slamming together from the vo
lcano.”
She beat her tits against his head.
“What’s that for?”
“It’s hot rock flying through the air.”
She got on top of him and began pissing and flicking her cigar ashes all over him.
Shannon crawled out of bed with tears in his eyes. “What the hell is that?”
“That’s the rain and ashes hitting you from the volcano. Now, get back in here. My lava is ready to flow.”
“Who can screw in this kind of weather?”
He ran, stumbled into a bathhouse, and cleaned himself up. Shannon found a tent that looked empty and crawled into the bed. So far, it had been a surreal trip. He woke in the morning and felt something sticky on his lips. He wiped it off. It looked like milk. He felt someone beside him under the covers. He pulled back the covers very slowly.
“Please be someone else,” he prayed.
There lay Ten. Shannon bit his lip and examined himself under the covers, trying not to wake her. He was naked. Shannon rolled out of bed, grabbed his pants, and ran outside. He hid behind a tent to dress. Shannon saw Boy and Bubba Dee walked out of a tent together and embrace.
“Boy is gay. I should’ve known just by the way he walked. Hell, he winked at Bubba,” Shannon muttered.
Shannon finished dressing and walked up to Bubba Dee. “All right. I’m ready to find that volcano.”
“You need camels and supplies,” said Bubba.
“Yes, I do.”
Bubba Dee directed Shannon to the stables.
“Hello,” Shannon called. “I need help.”
An old, short man came out. He talked slowly. “Can I help you?” the old man said. “My name is Slow.”
That much was obvious.
“I’d like a camel,” Shannon said.
“Well, sir, we have a hundred-dollar camel, seventy-five-dollar camel, fifty-dollar camel, and a twenty-five-dollar camel. Which one would you like?” Shannon had counted to a hundred by the end of the sentence. Slowly.
“I’ll try the twenty-five dollar camel.”
The man took Shannon to a pen and very slowly pointed at a camel. Shannon wondered if he’d missed a birthday by the time he finished.
“That camel is too small,” said Shannon.
“But it’s got a big heart.”
“No, thanks. I’ll try the fifty-dollar camel.”
“I’ll be right back.”
Angels of the Second Earth Age Page 3
