I walked around his bed, which was still made, the cover rumpled a little, loose papers and sticky notes scattered across its striped surface. I picked up one of the yellow sticky notes. “Timeline – check 4.” It made no sense to me, but I decided to avoid it, being reminded of the Monster’s office in Michigan and all the notes across his desk.
Julian returned from the bathroom and strode straight for me, his hands cupping my jaw as he kissed me hello. My hands gripped his wrists, holding him still, while he kissed me thoroughly.
“Hi,” I whispered when we were separated. I slowly opened my eyes and met his, mirroring the smile that stretched his lips.
“Hi.” He kissed me again. His thumbs gently rubbed my jawline when he deepened the kiss, relaxing my mouth to open and allow him inside.
I felt us move closer to one another, and my arms moved to encircle his back, holding him still. He kissed me the way he breathed, as it if was the most natural, the most essential thing in the world. And I kissed him the same way, because it did feel natural. Our connection was not just chemical. There was that element, but under the surface was something more. His lips didn’t just move my lips, they moved the part of me that ached to be connected to him. The blood that rushed to my head was chemical. But the feeling that settled over my heart and moved from his fingers and into my skin, pushing into my bloodstream, was more. But I wasn’t willing to put a name on it right now, worried that labeling whatever this was would force it into a corner, keeping it from expanding. And I wanted it to grow, I wanted to see where it took us. I was making a conscious decision to let this go forward, to open myself up to Julian. It was a profound and scary decision, but at this point it felt inevitable.
He pulled his lips away just slightly, so that they rested against mine. “Andra,” he breathed, the word sliding from his lips and through mine. His fingers moved higher, and I could tell the moment they brushed against the bandage. I opened my eyes.
He was looking at me with concern. His thick, straight eyebrows were drawn together and his mouth was set in a firm line. “What’s this?”
“I’m vertically challenged.” When his face displayed even more confusion, I elaborated. “I’m taller than I realize. I fell, scraped my face.” At least I wasn’t lying.
He didn’t say anything for a minute. His fingers played with a corner of the bandage. “Can I look?”
I nodded. I felt the bandage tug against my skin right before I felt the air that hit the scrape. I saw Julian’s jaw clench. “That looks rough. You’re probably going to scar.”
I shrugged. “Scars don’t scare me.”
Julian settled the bandage back in place and gently cradled my cheek in his hand. “What does?”
“You,” I answered without hesitation. I rubbed my cheek against his palm.
“Ah.” He brought his other hand up to push the hair from my face. “You scare me too.”
With my eyes closed, I smiled and answered, “Good.”
I heard his chuckle and reluctantly stepped back to get my bearings. “I just wanted to say hi. I’ve got a busy day ahead, but there’s a small concert on the outskirts of town tomorrow night. Local bands in a park sort of thing.” I pushed a lock of hair behind my ear. “Wanna go?”
Julian’s smile was wide and the corners of his eyes crinkled behind his glasses. “I’d love to. What time are you going to pick me up?”
I laughed. “Seven.”
He stuck his hand in the pockets of his pajama pants before nodding. It struck me then how different he looked from all the other times I’d seen him. “You’ll want to wear actual pants, though,” I commented, eyeing his clothing.
“Pants are overrated.”
I looked up at his eyes, noted the suggestive waggling of his eyebrows. “The glasses are sexy. You look very academic.”
He frowned comically. “I think ‘hot’ is what you meant to say.”
I shook my head no and bit my lip, which drew his attention to that direction. “What happened to your lip ring?”
My hand immediately went to the side of my lip, touching just the skin there. “I took it out and forgot to put it back in, I guess.” I tried to remember where I had put it.
“Well, I like it. It suits you.”
“Noted.” I made my way back towards the door of the cabin. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Julian.”
He followed me to the door, opening it just before I reached the handle. I turned to him and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.
“Looking forward to it, Andra.”
Later that night, I was in my office in the big house, catching up on paperwork when I heard a voice call out from the main office.
I turned my monitor off and walked out, peering my head around the corner. There was a woman there, about my age, running her fingers over the books on the shelves by the door.
“Can I help you?” I asked, moving to stand by the check-in desk.
She whipped her head in my direction, pale blonde strands of hair flying around with the movement.
“Yeah,” she answered hesitantly, moving closer to the desk. “Are those books for rent?” she asked, motioning a thumb over her shoulder to the books she was just perusing.
“Well, we don’t really rent them out. They’re here for guests to borrow and we welcome books that are left behind. But we don’t police it or anything; it’s a really loose library system.”
“Okay.” She tugged one long strand behind her ear before coming closer to where I stood. “I’m the only twenty-something in my family that remains unmarried and childless, so there’s not a whole lot for me to do here. I’m trying to pass the time, I guess.”
“Oh, well would you like some suggestions?” I asked, moving around the desk towards the shelf. She followed me like a shadow, stopping just a few feet from me at the shelf as I gave her some recommendations.
When she had a small stack in her hands, she turned to face me, her smile grateful and friendly. “Thanks,” she said, smiling. A second later, she squinted her eyes and slightly cocked her head in one direction. “Do I know you from somewhere?”
“Probably not,” I smiled, hoping the nerves I felt at her question weren’t visibly straining my lips. I moved away to head back to the check-in desk.
“Are you from here?” she asked, coming closer. I fiddled with the computer to avoid looking at her.
“Yes,” I started. “Well, I’m originally from California.”
“Huh,” she said, still looking at me like she was trying to place me.
“Where are you from?” I asked.
“Chicago.” Worry instantly climbed up my back at that one word. That was close enough to the area from which I’d gone missing. Shit, shit, shit, shit. My mind raced.
“Oh, that’s nice.” It was all I could come up with.
“What’s your name?”
“Andra.”
“Really?” I looked at her at that, my back up in defense.
“Yes, that’s my name. Do you want to see my drivers’ license for proof?” I knew I said it rudely, but her line of questioning was becoming too personal.
She bristled and stepped back for a second. “I guess you just look familiar.”
“I get that a lot.” I stepped away from the desk. “I’ve got to get back to work now. But if you need anything, just holler.”
I heard the screen door shut, the wood rattling against the frame just as I entered my office and let out a relieved breath. I wasn’t lying when I’d told her I got that a lot. I did. But never from someone as persistent as she was. My hands shook as I turned my monitor back on and when I climbed into bed two hours later, I knew I’d have another nightmare.
A hand was clamped over my mouth. All I could taste was the salt from his sweat. I gagged and bile rose from my stomach, but with no way to release it, I had to choke it back down. Tears streamed from my eyes. His weight pressed against me, into me. I shook my head back and forth, frantic, scared. But it was too late. Pain lanced into m
e and my body recoiled, my tears forming rivers, my mouth sobbing. I couldn’t fight my way free, I couldn’t move. My body eventually stilled, waiting for it to be over. I let my head rest to the side, looking out the window. And then he moved away from me. He’d won. It wasn’t the first time or the last time.
I woke up crying, sobs violently shaking my body as I curled up on my side. I bit my knuckles to keep the sobs from becoming too loud, from letting my emotional response to the memory become more powerful than it was.
The Monster had taken much from me: that was true. But I was strong now, brave. A lot of my bravery was cloaked with lies, but it was still mine. I shook myself from the nightmare and climbed out of bed, stripping off my sweat-soaked clothing and slipping on an oversize night shirt instead. I walked to the kitchen and filled a glass of water before walking back into my bedroom and digging for the bottle of pills I kept in my nightstand.
Sometimes it was easier to feel nothing. To have a void within you that drowned all the happiness, all the sadness. You could climb into that void and feel safe from it all. It was another escape for me, another thing that separated Andra from Cora. I wanted to be untouched from pain, from cruelty, from love, from goodness. Sometimes, like now, I needed to climb into the void and have my mind erased. I needed to just not feel.
I swallowed the small pill with a sip of water and climbed back into bed. A few minutes later, my mind went blank and I fell into sleep, without a thought to occupy my mind.
I poured myself into work the next day. I cleaned the stables, cleaned the chicken coop, skimmed the pond for trash, and remade the beds in the big house. I avoided Rosa like the plague, avoided all human interaction, and worked until my muscles ached for rest. It was my usual MO after a restless night’s sleep. I was no longer numb to emotion, which meant I was in a vulnerable state, dangling precariously on the edge to another crying jag.
At noon, Six texted me.
Six: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: I have plans tonight and tomorrow. But I’ll be around. Why?
It took him a few minutes to answer.
Six: Keep your phone handy.
Me: Why?
Six: Because I’ve told you to.
I rolled my eyes. He was so bossy and secretive. I chose to push it from my mind as I cleaned up the lunch dishes, avoiding Oscar’s questioning eyes as he prepared dinner and dessert for the large family reunion.
“Do you have a bug up your ass?” he finally asked, when the silence was becoming unbearable, even for me.
I turned to him and gave him a dirty look, flipping him the bird with a soapy, gloved hand.
“No thanks, you’re a little too young for me,” he said casually, dicing red peppers.
“It wasn’t an invitation. Why can’t you be a normal person and ask if I’m okay?” I asked, annoyed, scrubbing the dish in my hand with more force than necessary.
“Because normal is boring. But since you’re testy this morning – are you okay?”
“Just peachy,” I said, rinsing the plate and setting it firmly to the dish rack.
“Yeah, you’re a ray of sunshine this afternoon. Get out of my kitchen.”
I turned to him, my hands dripping with soapy water. “Why?”
“Because you need to cool off. Your rage is going to be absorbed in my peppers and you’ll ruin what could be a tasty meal. Also, I don’t hold hands or give hugs, so you’re not going to feel any better being in here. Go,” he reiterated, pointing his knife to the door, his eyebrow raised to show how serious he was.
I snapped my gloves off, biting my tongue from spewing an unnecessary retort. I slapped the gloves onto the counter and strode out of the kitchen, into the big room.
Frustration at my bad temper and childish behavior was moving through my veins like electricity, leaving me unable to sit still as I whirled around before I stalked off the patio door, heading to my cabin. My feet moved faster than the workings of my brain and I didn’t have a clue where I was headed until I was at my cabin door.
I reached a hand into my pocket for my keys and then realized I left them back in the kitchen. I cursed a few words, my frustration now peaking, when I heard my name being called.
I whipped my head to the left and saw Julian standing just off his deck, one hand in a pocket and the other raised in greeting.
“Trust me, Julian, you don’t want to be around me right now.”
He walked across the grass towards me. “Why would you say that?” he asked, strolling towards me, acting as if he had all the time in the world. There was something off about his demeanor, almost like he was approaching me with caution. But he was still approaching, and at a steady pace.
“Because I’m really pissed off right now.”
“Why?”
I shook my head and ran both hands through my hair. “I don’t know. Because I have irrational anger sometimes, I guess?” I was lashing out, my words full of all the frustration I was feeling. I didn’t speak to him kindly. I knew part of this was a side effect of the medication I’d taken last night. And another part, probably the more dominate part, was all the blackness inside of me. It was easier to hurt with words than it was a knife, but they cut just the same, under the skin. Knives left scars on the surface while words left scars under the epidermis, on the soul. And words were not used as a weapon to protect me, but instead the hurt was to protect those around me.
“Wanna go for a run?”
“What?” I looked at him like he was speaking another language.
“When I am working through a scene that I can’t get just right, I go for a run. The frustration leaves and the words pour from my fingers onto the page. I just thought a run might help you sort out whatever is battling inside that brain of yours.”
I digested his words before nodding. “Are you going to run with me?”
“Of course. I think I recall you saying you don’t run very fast, so I’ll try to take it easy on you.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t need you too, but thanks. Give me ten minutes to get my keys from the big house and I’ll meet you back there.” I pointed to the tree line behind the cabins.
When he nodded, I turned around, heading towards the kitchen to grab my keys.
Julian and I were over two miles into the run and so far, we were both keeping the same steady pace. His breathing was even and I noticed he didn’t bring headphones along for the run. We were nearing the meadow so I kicked up my legs, pumping them faster, harder. When Julian noticed the gain I was making on him, he picked up speed and we raced each other until I slowed, the meadow coming into view. Julian looked over at me, questioningly. I tilted my head towards the clearing that we could just barely see through the trees and he nodded back at me, slowing his pace. By the time we reached the meadow, we were both walking, breathing heavily. Blood was roaring in my ears, so I abruptly sat in the middle of the field and then laid my head back, settling against the tall grass. I closed my eyes and pulled in a deep breath, inhaling the earth, the heat from the sun, the scent of the grass. They were my favorite smells.
I felt Julian lay next to me and heard him breathe it all in. I opened my eyes and looked around us. Thanks to the height of the grass, we were completely hidden from anyone or anything that walked out from the cover of the tree line. There was comfort in that, being hidden out in the open. We existed in that small patch of earth and no one knew.
I turned my head to Julian and took in his profile. His nose was strong, proportionate. His facial hair had grown a little in the past couple days, reaching a length that said it was intentional, instead of the product of several days of no sleep. Men were like that. They didn’t require any real grooming as long as they kept their hair at a manageable length. They could run their fingers through their hair and it resembled an actual style. Doing the same with my own hair made me look unkempt, homeless.
Julian’s eyes popped open and he turned them towards me. “Feel better?” he asked.
“Yes.
Instead of being annoyed at nothing in particular, I’m annoyed at you.”
His brown crinkled with his frown. “Me? Why?”
“Because you always look so effortless. Like you wake up looking good. And I know for a fact that you do look good when you first wake up. And that pisses me off.”
He laughed and rolled onto his side, facing me. “You look good when you wake up. I know that for a fact.”
“After I’ve brushed my hair and scrubbed the sleep from my face, I’m sure I look presentable.”
“Okay, when you first wake up you look sweet, as if the world has not touched you yet. Sweet like a kitten, purring contently. Which is the exact opposite of how you looked thirty minutes ago, with your talons itching for flesh to pierce. Like a dragon.”
“Like a dragon, huh?” I asked, amused. “Don’t they breathe fire?”
“Why do you think I didn’t come too close when I was talking you into this run?”
I laughed then. “I’m glad you did. I have missed running the past few mornings. I’m sure that’s put me on edge.” I sat up and brushed the dirt from my bare arms. Julian sat up and faced me, leaning back on his hands.
When I caught him staring at me, I crawled over to him and slid into his lap, chest to chest. I linked my arms around his neck and cocked my head to the side, licking my lips. Julian’s hands slid to either side of my waist. I let my fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck. The tank top I was wearing slipped down, exposing a part of my chest. I saw his eyes land there and realized my bra was more revealing than the bikini top he’d seen me in the week before.
He moved a hand to my collarbone before moving his hand down my chest. I held my breath as his fingers traced the script written there. It was written over the curve of my left breast, just one word: free. He didn’t comment on it, merely traced the word with his fingertip, slowly, carefully.
“Do you have more?”
I nodded. One I couldn’t show him, but I could show him my other one. I hiked up my shorts, pulling them up high enough to show the quote I had inked on my skin.
He Found Me Page 17
