by Peach, Hanna
The shower door opens. Caden kneels beside me and his hands brush at my hair. I reach out for him. Even though he’s still fully clothed and he still has his shoes on, he comes into the shower with me. He sits against the shower wall and pulls me into his lap. He tucks me into his arms, into that space that I fit in so well.
“It’ll be okay. You’re okay,” he chants as he drags the flats of his palms across my back. He lowers his chin onto my head and he is all around me, soothing me. The heat of his body is like a blanket.
“I-I-,” I try to speak and explain. But my throat seizes up. My lungs heave to try to get more air in.
He shushes at me and rocks me and we sit just like that as the hot water runs down over us like a waterfall. I cling to him like he is the only thing stopping me from falling off this precipice.
Finally, I hear his voice over the rush of water. “Do you remember the night that I asked you if you could you forgive someone who has to do something bad in order to do something right?”
I nod. I remember that night.
“Do you remember what you told me?”
“I said, ‘Yes, I could’.”
He nods. “Then I asked you if you could love that same person.”
I grip onto him tighter. I understand what he is telling me. He is here for me like I was there for him. No matter what either of us does, we will forgive each other. Love each other.
“Caden, what happened to you to make you ask me those questions?”
He flinches and I hear him sigh. He’s not going to tell me, I know it.
Then he begins to speak, “Jacob’s men asked me to do two things to be initiated into their crew. First, I had to sleep one of their girls…”
Valentine. This was supposed to be Valentine. “But you didn’t.”
“No. I sat in her room for an hour and we talked about crap. Baseball, boxing, that kind of thing. She’s actually a pretty cool chick.”
I ignore the irrational stab of jealousy that pierces my heart. No, I’m not going there. Caden risked his life by not sleeping with her. He could have, but he didn’t. For me. I have no right to be jealous. “And the second thing?”
“I had to kill someone in front of them.”
I gasp. Oh. God. I pull back to search Caden’s face and he lets me. I can see the pain of the experience pinching at his beautiful features. “I’m so sorry, Caden. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“Her name was Michelle. She was one of their girlfriends and there was some evidence that she had been talking to the police. I’ve killed a lot of people in my life as a cop, but… she was the first one who didn’t deserve it.”
“But you had to. They would have killed you instead, wouldn’t they?”
He nods. “They ambushed me with it. They brought me to a room where she was being held. She was naked, bruised and bleeding from everywhere. They had already beaten her and raped her so many times over. She was begging to die. And they would have killed her eventually anyway if I didn’t do it. But it doesn’t make it feel any better.”
He reaches up to the shower handle and shuts off the water. We sit like this for a while, warm from the water and each other.
“Do you remember the first time you killed someone?” I ask.
He nods. He slips his fingers through mine and pulls our hands to his lips. He brushes soft kisses over my fingers. “It was a drug bust in a house. I went in with an officer friend of mine, Daniel, Daniel Johnson – we called him DJ. He was a police medic and he was trying to get to a gang banger who was bleeding out on the floor. Another gang member attacked DJ from behind with a knife. But I hesitated before I shot him. DJ was stabbed.”
“Oh God. Did he survive? Your friend, I mean.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I shouldn’t have hesitated. He might still have been alive if I didn’t hesitate.” He sucks a drop of water from my knuckles. “You shouldn’t feel bad that you didn’t hesitate. Don’t ever feel bad. You did the right thing.”
He stands and pulls me up to my feet. He towel dries me carefully, slowly. Starting with my face. His fingers are gentle around my eyes and ears. Then my neck and torso. I watch his careful assessment of me as he makes sure he gets between every finger. My skin warms up as he rubs the towel along my legs. He’s still fully clothed, dripping wet, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He must be cold.
Finally, he hands me the towel. “Dry your hair. And put on some fresh clothes. I put your bag on the bed.”
I look over to the bed through the open bathroom door. It looks warm and safe like a world contained far away from where I am now. I need to get naked with Caden. I need it. Distraction. I grab his arms before he can push me out of the bathroom and press my mouth to his. I am hungry and desperate and I know it, but I don’t care. I just need a little piece of escape. I need Caden to consume me and wash away all these memories so fresh in my mind like the smoldering ruins of a recent fire.
He pulls away. “Kitten, we don’t have time for that. Go get dressed.”
Rejection stabs me. He didn’t even kiss me back. I blink up at Caden and remember Caden isn’t his real name. We just shared our first shower together and our first secrets together. It felt intimate and close for me, but for him it was probably just a way of getting me to calm down. He didn’t do it as my lover, he did it as a cop. A cop calming a victim down.
Is this what I am to him? Just a victim?
What did I expect? That now we would… what? Become a couple?
I almost laugh at my naivety, reflected in Caden when he gently pushes me out of the bathroom so that he can get changed in private. Nothing’s really changed.
I don’t know how I manage to dress myself. My fingers feel thick and stiff. My limbs feel longer than usual and I panic for a moment when the collar of my shirt gets stuck over my head, causing the world to darken and my arms to feel trapped.
I’m already dressed and sitting on the bed when Caden comes out of the bathroom, fully dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, our stained and wet clothes in a plastic bag.
“We should go, kitten.”
Of course. We should go.
Once I am back in the rental car Caden reaches over to clip on my seatbelt. It’s the first time he has touched me since the shower.
“We’ll head out of the city and go north. You get some sleep. I’ll wake you when we get there.”
I stare out the window at the new morning, but I don’t reply.
I curl up, but I don’t sleep. I watch as the city blurs past, then as the houses turn to forest. As we leave the city limits I wait for the small release that I get when I know I’m leaving a city for good. It’s a feeling of disconnection, of letting go.
But I don’t get it.
Instead my stomach clenches. It tightens. As if this city has found a way to weave a thread into me, and by leaving, it is pulling our connection tighter. We are bound, this city and I.
There are also so many questions on my mind. Where are we going? What will we do? But I can’t bring myself to ask just yet. My body feels devoid of strength, like someone has sucked out all my bones. I slump in a tangled ball in the passenger seat, my knees up to my chest.
You got what you wanted. You found out who Caden really was. Are you happy now?
And now… what? Now that I know, where do we go from here?
Nobody who really loves you would ever EVER intentionally hurt you or manipulate you into staying with them. If you or someone you know is being abused, please, please reach out for help to your local abuse charity.
You are stronger than you know, but you don’t have to do this alone.
For the UK, Freephone Refuge’s 24 hour helpline: 0808 2000 247
Bound by Fear (Bound #2)
By Hanna Peach
The sequel to Bound by Lies…
I have killed one of Jacob’s men. I shot him in cold blood. Now Caden and I are on the run. From the police and from Jacob. And
our lives are more bound together than I could have ever imagined.
But he still won’t let me touch him and I know he is still keeping things from me. Can I really trust him? Or is there more to his story than he’s saying?
I don’t know. All I know is I can’t keep running forever. My past will soon catch up with me, dragging the people I care about into its darkness. When it does, who of us will survive?
Adult romantic suspense. +18 years.
Out in 2014
Go to my blog (www.hannapeach.com) and leave your email to be the first to know when Bound by Fear (Bound #2) is released.
Books by Hanna Peach
Urban Fantasy
Angelfire (Dark Angel #1)
Angelstone (Dark Angel #2)
Angelsong (Dark Angel #3)
Angelblood (Dark Angel #4) due out in 2014
Romantic Suspense
Bound by Lies (Bound #1)
Bound by Fear (Bound #2) due out in 2014
Did you enjoy the book? Please support me as an indie author by posting a review (click to go to Amazon or Amazon.uk). This helps other readers decide whether this book is for them. Even one or two quick sentences is perfect!
And you can help by recommending me to a friend. Word of mouth is still the best way for new readers to find me.
Go to my blog (www.hannapeach.com) and leave your email to be the first to know when Bound by Fear (Bound #2) will be released.
I wanna hear from you! Contact me through my website or Facebook page (www.facebook.com/HannaPeachAuthor).
Much love and many thanks, Hanna.
Acknowledgements
To my family, who love and support me. P.S. You’re not supposed to be reading this book!
To my gorgeous friends (you know who you are), who understand when I say, “Sorry, I can’t, I’m writing” for the umpteenth time, but continue to love me and invite me to things anyway.
To my beta readers, Caroline, Dani, and Jacqui, for your priceless feedback.
To my editor, Christie. Thank you for showing such enthusiasm from the start. And for working on this book even though it is SO different from all my previous ones.
To the writers in my life, especially the Sunflowers; thank you for your advice, encouragement and support. It means the world to me. P.S. Keep writing.
Bound by Lies (Bound #1): a novel / by Hanna Peach. – 1st Ed.
First Digital Edition: January 2014
Published by Gypsy Publishing
Copyright 2014 Hanna Peach
Cover art copyright 2013 Gypsy Publishing. All Rights Reserved Hanna Peach. Stock images: shutterstock
Editing services by Proof Positive: http://proofpositivepro.com.
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
