Cash: Abby, I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but I will give you the space that you need. This will be the last message from me until you want to talk. I love you, please don’t doubt that.
A tear rolls down my face as I read that message from him. I want to reply and tell him where I am; to come and get me, but that would not help me figure things out. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I have this great guy, yet I still can’t quite give him all of me. I send him a message letting him know that I’m okay and thanking him for space. I walk over to the window to look out at the ocean. I smile thinking about Miami.
I grab the key to my room so I can walk down to the beach. I sit down on a large rock and start to cry. I just cry and cry. I finally stop when I feel like I have no more tears left. I look up, and the sun is starting to set on the ocean. I make my way back to my room, intent on getting some answers. I call the one person who I thought could help me.
“Hello?”
“Mom, I have something that I need to talk to you about.”
“What do you want, Abby?”
“Why? Why didn’t you protect me from Dad?”
“Abby, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Your Dad gave you a good life. You never wanted for anything. You had clothes on your back, and food on your plate. I guess we gave you too much food,” she snaps.
“Mom, I found a good man who loves me for me, and I don’t know how to love him back.”
“Abby,” I heard her crying on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry. I wish…” There is some shuffling, and she turns back to the ice queen. “Your father is a good man.”
“All my life, my friends wanted you to be their parents. You supported everyone but me. I wasn’t allowed to play sports, but Max, Mark, and Jacob all were into sports. Crystal and Martha were cheerleaders. I could have done something, but I wasn’t allowed. Did you hate me that much?” I start to cry, and that’s when she cuts in.
“What do you want from us? You are nothing but a fat, stupid girl who deserves nothing,” she huffs and hangs up on me.
I’m blown away by her words. Who will be there for me when I need that shoulder to cry on if my mother won’t? And then it hit me. I’ve been going about it all the wrong way. Why should I continue to think like my parents when it should be about what I want and what I deserve?
There’s a knock on my door, and when I open it, I couldn’t help but smile. “Max!”
“Hey, squirt. I figured that you’d need me.”
“I need my big brother now more than ever. Are you alone?” I ask looking around, a part of me wishing Cash is with him.
“Yes, I’m alone. Sarah had to work, and Cash was passed out when I left. He’s messed up by this. He kept mumbling something about not being good enough. He downed a six-pack in ten minutes then just kept drinking anything he could get his hands on. We need to talk, Abby. Talk.” My heart sinks, I didn’t even think of how this would affect him. I’m such a horrible person.
“Let me change. We can go to get something to eat, and then you can grill me.” He laughs, and I disappear into the bathroom. My hands shake as I get dressed.
We find a cute pizza shop. It has red and white checkered tablecloths on each of the tables. We are seated towards the back, and I’m thankful for that. I don’t feel like having this conversation with people listening. We order a pitcher of beer and a large pepperoni pizza. “So you want to start talking? I feel a lecture coming on,” I try to joke, but it’s ill-timed as Max doesn’t laugh.
“Well I do have a lot to say, but I want to hear from you. Why would you just get up and leave without talking to Cash?”
“I saw that check from Dad and freaked out. I needed to get out. I never wanted to hurt Cash.” I say with tears in my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Abby, but you don’t get to cry and make everyone feel sorry for you. I love you, and I’d do anything for you, but this, this is childish. Life is hard. Suck it up buttercup. I asked you if he was worth it and you said yes. Maybe you don’t think he’s worth it after all. Cash didn’t know about the check. Dad came to the house and offered him money to leave you, but he declined it. You didn’t have faith in him.” Max doesn’t pull any punches, and as much as his words hurt, I know he’s right.
“Before we figure out how to fix my relationship with Cash, what do I do about Mom and Dad?” I explain to Max about my conversation with Mom.
“Abby, why do you care so much?” Max seems annoyed.
“Max, don’t you understand? It’s because of them I don’t know how to love.” I put my hands over my face and cry again. The waitress comes over and asks if I was okay. I nod, taking a deep breath to calm down. I excuse myself to the bathroom to wash my face. On the way back to the table, I notice a guy talking to our waitress. He kisses her, smacks her ass and heads back to the kitchen. I catch a glimpse of him; he looks like my brother, Marshall. I tell Max what I saw when I get back to the table. “Should we ask her about Marshall?” I ask, tilting my head in the waitress’s direction. I want to see my other brother. Max shrugs in reply. I wave the waitress over to us.
“Excuse me, do you think we can talk to the chef? This is the best pizza I’ve ever had, and it reminds me of my grandmother’s when we were younger.”
“Sure thing, honey.” She swings back into the kitchen. Marshall and his twin, Mark came to live with us when I was seven. Dad and Marshall had a falling out when I was fifteen. He left that day and came around a couple of times over the years, but now he just stays away. I haven’t seen him in five years. She comes back, smiling. “He said to give him a couple of minutes. He’s finishing the orders that just came in. Oh man, it’s busy tonight.” She walks away, and I continue my conversation with Max.
“I spent my entire life trying to please Dad. To find out how he truly feels about me is devastating. How am I supposed to love a man for the rest of my life when I don’t know how to love myself?”
“Abby, I don’t have the answers for you. I’m surprised—” Max stops mid-sentence when someone yells across the room. “GET THE FUCK OUT!” I squeal and run to Marshall. Max joins us in a hug. “How did you find me? I never told you where I was.”
“We just stumbled upon this place. We’re staying at the B and B up the road.” Our waitress comes over; confusion was written on her face as she looks at Marshall’s arm draped over me and me hugging his waist tight. Marshall doesn’t make any effort to fill her in, so I speak up. “I’m Abby and this Max. Marshall is our big brother.” I explain, and she looks relieved.
“This is Patty, my soon to be wife,” he introduces us, and I break free from his hold to hug her. “I’m all caught up on my orders. Why don’t we sit down and talk?” He uses his finger to lift my chin. “You look so sad.” He smiles and kisses me on my forehead. I can’t believe we found him here.
CASH
The pain radiating in my skull is like a woodpecker banging on a tree. It’s a constant pounding, and I wish it would stop. I roll over and land on the floor. “Son of a bitch!” I yell. I struggle to get up and make it to my feet. I look at the clock on the DVR box, and it tells me it’s seven, but I don’t know if it’s morning or night. I look at the empty beer bottles on the coffee table. I think I drank all of the beer and whiskey. “How did I get downstairs? I know I started my night upstairs.” I head to the bar, stumbling and walking in a semi -straight line. I grab the tequila this time. I take a shot of it, and it burns on the way down, but it means that I’m alive. I wonder if Max has any more beer or if I could talk Sarah into going to the store for me. I head into the kitchen and open the fridge, and saw three more six packs. Thank you, Max! There’s a note attached to one of the bottles.
Cash, don’t give up
Max
“I didn’t give up; she did,” I say to no one as I stand there holding the note. I grab a beer bottle and chug it before stumbling up the stairs to her room. I slam her door closed as loud as I can, but no one is here; no one cares what I do.
“I have to give her space,” I say in a horrible impression of Max’s voice. This is not how we’re supposed to be celebrating our engagement. She should be wearing my mother’s ring. We should be talking about wedding plans, and I should be using several creative ways to convince her move to Florida now.
This is why I don’t do relationships. “You lied, Dad, love isn’t worth it.” I finish off the six pack and collapse on the floor. “This floor is so soft.” That’s the last thing I remember. I awake to a loud banging on Abby’s bedroom door. I don’t know how I got naked, but I look around for my boxers. I put them on and opened the door. “WHAT?” I yell at Sarah who looks quite shocked at my greeting.
“Well someone is in a mood. Get dressed and I’ll start the coffee.” She turns and goes downstairs, and I slam the door shut. I look around for something to drink, and I spot a beer that’s half full. I walk through the maze of beer bottles that I have been accumulating and go to my bag. I grab my basketball shorts and leave the room drinking my beer. I find Sarah in the kitchen making coffee and cooking breakfast.
“Why am I down here and not upstairs drinking?” I snap at her, and I don’t care that I’m not nice about it. I want to be left alone. Why can’t people understand that?
“Well, Mr. Grumpy, I was told to check on you. Max called last night; he’s with Abby. They had a long talk over dinner. It breaks my heart to know what happened and why she split. I spoke with my mom last night about what’s going on because Maggie is spinning things her way. It blows my mind what she told my mom. Now the question is, are you ready to talk to her?” Sarah keeps talking, but I’m not paying attention. I stare blindly into my coffee cup until she snaps her fingers in my face. I look up at her, and she has her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. “Are you even paying attention to me?” she demands in a huff.
“No.” I stand and stumble back and fall on my ass.
“Are you okay? You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m not just Abby’s friend, I’m yours too.” she says as she helps me up.
“It is funny; everyone is so concerned about how Abby is feeling but what about me? She left my bed. She broke my heart.” I bang my fist on the counter and then punched my heart to see if I could dull the ache. “Who has asked me how this has affected me? Everyone is so quick to tell me that I don’t know what she’s been through. Give her space and she’ll come back to you. What if I don’t want her to come back? Am I supposed to live my life waiting for her to bolt if something happens? I’m not going to be living on eggshells; I do enough of that with my sister as it is. Fuck that. I. AM. DONE!” I grab the rest of the beer from the fridge and storm up the steps like a two -year-old having a tantrum.
I look at the beer that I just brought up here, and I’m disgusted with myself. I’ve reverted to my old pattern of getting drunk. Setting the beer aside, I head to the bathroom to shower. I try to let the hot water calm me and release me from my anger, but it doesn’t work. I’m not ready to stop being angry. I needed to go downstairs to apologize to Sarah for my behavior. This isn’t me.
I walk into the kitchen, and Sarah is on the phone with Max, I assume. “He’s in a tough spot, and I agree with him. We were so concerned about Abby that we forgot the other person in this relationship. I understand that, but what about the person that was left behind to pick up the pieces trying to figure out what he did wrong? She left him broken, and I don’t know if he will be able to see past that. Max, listen to yourself. I love Abby as much as you but look at it from Cash’s point of view. He loves her, but she gets into her head, runs and doesn’t want to talk to anyone until she is ready, and that’s just stupid. Of course, I would do anything to protect Abby and make sure she’s happy, but what about the other people involved? Uh huh. I guess. Text me the address and I’ll see what I can do. You too. Bye.”
“Going somewhere are we?” I ask her harshly.
“Well I was hoping that you would sober up and have a normal conversation, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Do you want to see Abby?” she asks, uncertain.
“You’re right, this isn’t a conversation I want to have drunk,” I tell her she can go without me, grab another drink and head back upstairs and shut the door. I don’t think I can deal with Abby right now. I may say something that I will regret. My phone is ringing so I check my missed messages.
Max: I’m with Abby.
Max: Sarah just told me some truths, and I’m sorry.
I listen to my voice mail. I freeze when I hear her voice.
“Cash, I’m so sorry. I jumped to conclusions when I saw that check. I ran without even talking to you. I can’t breathe without you here. I need you to tell me that I broke your heart. Here is the address. If you need more time to figure things out, I will understand. I love you, Cash Hawthorne. I hope you will still love me and want to be my husband.”
I look at my phone, and I’m just lost. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” I say out loud, and Sarah answers me, “Get sober and let’s go for a drive. Abby needs to hear the truth that only you can give her. I know you’re hurting, but man up big boy. Road trip!” She walks out of the room. I sit on the floor and start going through her pictures that were in a box on the floor. The pictures I see remind me of why I fell in love with her in the first place.
What do I say to her? What do I do? If she starts crying this anger, I have towards her will melt away because it tears me up inside to see her sad. My phone chimes, it’s Sarah telling me that she ran out to the store and to be prepared to stay until the weekend. I text her back with some things that I’d need for the trip. I’m starting to feel a sense of community with this circle of friends.
On my way downstairs with my bag, I overhear Sarah on the phone. “I know, Abby. I know why you left but what you did is wrong. You should have leaned on us. You need to start living your life not the one your parents want you to live.” Her next words shock me. “I honestly don’t know if Cash is going just to have you jump into his arms and be okay. You didn’t see him like I did. You broke him down. He’s been drunk from the moment we read the note you left. I just hope I can get him sober enough to travel. I’m not trying to be mean, but you need to know what is going on and that your actions have consequences. Abby! Stop crying and think about what I said. I love you too. See you soon.” She hangs up, and I clear my throat. “I saw your reflection in the toaster; I knew you were there. I had to tell her. I’m sorry if you didn’t want her to know.”
“No, you’re fine. She needs to know. I just don’t think I can deal with her running when something happens. What happens when we have kids? Is she going to run if I raise my voice to her when I am having a bad day? Is she going to run if she doesn’t get the answers she wants? Is she just going to keep running? I don’t know if my heart has it in me to be the one to pick up the pieces.” I grab the coffee to make a cup for me. “I feel like I’m a broken record, and feel guilty for even saying the things I have. She didn’t even think about me. She just thought of herself, but I wouldn’t just leave and expect everyone else to understand that she needed this, but what about what I needed?”
“You’re right, and we also talked to her about it, but I’m not sure she gets it.” I make us some breakfast before we head out. I love her, and my heart aches when she isn’t here, but I also know that I won’t be okay in this relationship if she thinks that she can just up and leave to deal with life.
I deserve more and better.
ABBY
I fill Marshall in on what’s going on with me. I tell him about Cash, getting engaged, and the check from dad. He just sits there with no expression on his face. “You need to put your big girl panties on and be an adult. You are the controller of your life, and you used our parents as a crutch for too long. Life sucks, buy a helmet! You are thirty years old, and you’re acting like a goddamn five -year -old. When it comes to love, you should be all in. Not one foot in and the other one out the door. So my advice before going back to work, I love y
ou, Abby, but grow up.” Marshall kisses me on the head and walks into the kitchen.
The tears start, and I leave the restaurant to walk to the beach. I want some alone time. I don’t know what’s going on back at the pizza place, but I need to take what Marshall said to heart. I love him and know that what he’s saying is true. I’m tired of feeling this way and blaming my parents. I need to figure out what I want and get it. I walk back to my room and lie on the bed. I look at the ceiling, and I must have fallen asleep because I wake up with my face feeling wet and a new lease on life so to speak. I know what I want. I need to call Cash and let him know that I need him. I grab my phone and dial his number. It goes straight to voicemail. I hope when he wakes up that he’ll listen to my message and call me. Now I wait, but sleep is trying to claim me.
The next morning, I find Max in the dining room on the phone. He’s arguing with someone that I assume is Sarah. He’s defending me to her, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. He hangs up the phone and sighs. He notices me standing there and tries to hide his pissed off mood.
“Sarah’s not happy with me?” I question as I go to the buffet to get some food.
“She pointed out some things that I needed to hear about you and this situation. Abby, Cash is a mess and has been drunk since you left.”
“He’s not a drinker, though. He hates getting drunk. What have I done?” I ask as I put my head in my hands.
“We’ll get this figured out, I promise. They’re coming here so that you know.”
I look up when I hear laughter. It’s Patty and Marshall. “Don’t you two sound happy. What are you guys up to today?” I ask them.
“I have work, but Marshall has the day off and wants to spend the day with you guys. I’m dropping him off so I can keep the car. I assume you guys will make it to the pizza shop before my shift is over.” Patty says as she leans into Marshall. I sigh, they are such a cute couple. “Uh oh someone is thinking about something heavy.” Patty leans in closer to me.
Love Me Like You Do (Love Me Book 1) Page 25
