Scary Dead Things - 02

by Rick Gualtieri

“The one you call James.”

  “Oh. Dude has a lot of names.”

  “Indeed he does,” Nergui agreed.

  “So where did the Wanderer wander off to?”

  “The Khan is close by. He is the Wanderer's sire. Since your arrival was not expected, he is surely telling his sire of the news.”

  “OK. I guess that makes sense,” I responded. I knew that there was some shit going down here. That was why James had been called away to begin with. It made sense that whenever anything happened outside of the norm, like say a packing crate full of yours truly showing up on the doorstep, that the guy in charge would need to be notified. “So is the Khan here?”

  “The Khan would not dirty his steps in an unworthy place such as this.”

  “Oh, of course not,” I replied, hoping my sarcasm didn't cross the gulf between our cultures. I got the feeling that insulting the Khan around these guys would fly about as well as pissing on a picture of Queen Elizabeth in front of the guards outside of Buckingham Palace...maybe even less so considering that most vampires I had met seemed to think that violence was a dandy solution to almost all of life’s problems.

  “The Khan's ger-tereg is five kilometers hence,” Nergui then said, pointing out towards the desert.

  “Okey-doke,” I answered, having absolutely no fucking idea what he was talking about. Whatever the case, though, I assumed it meant that the Khan and his entourage were a ways down the road...or sand. I mentally did the conversion in my head. Silly backwater countries and their metric system! Oh well, that would put them about three miles away. Having seen James move, however, I knew that he could probably traverse that distance in mere minutes if he so chose.

  * * *

  It turned out I was right. Nergui and I made it back to the supply tent, and within fifteen minutes, James and his two minions, for lack of a better term, returned. If they were out of breath from their six-mile round trip, they didn't show it.

  “I'm glad to see you stayed put. Amazing how few people know how to follow instructions these days,” he said as he entered.

  “That's me. Mr. stay where the fuck I'm told to,” I replied. If Nergui wanted to tell James otherwise, then that would be his business.

  “Well, Dr. Death, you should be flattered to know a great honor has been bestowed upon you.”

  “Let me guess. You guys are giving me my own pet camel?”

  James wisely ignored my idiocy and continued as if I hadn't spoken. “The Khan is intrigued by your presence. He wishes to meet with the Freewill.”

  “Cool.”

  James sighed at my reaction. “You have no idea how big of a deal this is, do you?”

  “Not even remotely.”

  “The Khan is one of the Draculas. They are our ruling elite. They do not just grant audiences to anybody. In fact, they never speak to children...and before you say anything, yes you are a child, to us anyway. It's almost unheard of for the Draculas to deal with any of our kind under a century in age.” He saw that I still had a fairly nonplussed look on my face. “This is kind of like the Pope just up and giving you a call to see if you wanted to do lunch.”

  “Oh. That makes sense then,” I said, putting more enthusiasm into my voice. I still didn't care all that much, but I decided I had better act like it before I started insulting a bunch of creatures with over a millennia of combined experience amongst them. “Let's get going.”

  “No,” James said, stepping in front of me. “The day will be breaking in a few hours. You will meet with him tomorrow. For now, you will be his honored guest, given all of the hospitality that is his to offer.” When I didn't reply, James gave me a wink. “Trust me, you're going to like this part.”

  * * *

  Since James told me they needed some time to properly prepare my lodgings, we chatted some more. I brought him up to speed on the goings on in the coven, starting with my defeat of Jeff. “You killed Jeff by yourself?” he asked dubiously. I knew he had spoken to Sally. No doubt he knew what had really happened.

  “Well, I may have had a little help,” I admitted.

  I then spent about an hour going over the last six months, culminating with the final fight between Village Coven and the HBC, more specifically between myself and Samuel.

  “I had been meaning to apologize for all of that,” James said once I had finished. “I meant to give you a little reputation boost amongst your own, not bring a full scale coven war down on your head.”

  “It was a bit touch and go there for a while, but since it all worked out in the end, apology accepted,” I replied, which was more or less true. I had bitched enough to Sally over the past several months about the whole situation to drive her half insane (assuming she wasn't already there), thus I more or less had it out of my system. Besides, I preferred to stay in James' good graces.

  Finally, just about when I could see the sky outside beginning to lighten ever so slightly, another vampire entered our tent and whispered something into James' ear.

  “Excellent. You're all set,” he said. “Monkhbat here,” he gestured towards the guy who had just entered, “will carry your bags and show you to your tent.”

  “Are we heading over to where the Khan is?” I asked, not really looking forward to a three-mile hike.

  “That's tonight. For now, you've been set up here, just across the way. I'll pop by after sundown to retrieve you. I know it may prove to be difficult, but do try to get at least a little rest.” He said that last part with a wry smile.

  I just gave him a confused glance as I followed my porter out of the tent and towards my destination. I was actually looking forward to some rest and relaxation. Despite spending a full day horizontal in my packing crate, I had gotten zero sleep. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable thing on the planet, and this is coming from a guy who has passed out on his fair share of floors.

  We walked to the other side of the settlement. Monkhbat put my bags just outside of the door, or flap or whatever you call it, of a mid-sized tent and bowed to me before walking off. Guess I had to put my shit away myself. Fine, see if I tip the help here. Oh well. I was thinking it was time for some well deserved shut-eye when I walked in and immediately stopped dead in my tracks.

  The tent was not empty.

  Oh boy, was it not empty.

  In the center of the tent was a large pile of rugs and pillows. On top of that pile sat three attractive females. Three very naked attractive females. As I stood there gaping like a complete moron, they all giggled. A moment later, they got up, almost as one, and walked over to me. They removed my bags from my hands and led my still very much in shock self back to the center of the tent. Now, these were people who knew what hospitality was all about.

  A Test? I Didn’t Even Study!

  It was official. The Khan was by far my favorite vampire in the world. Holy shit! Forget about threesomes. Skipping all the way to foursomes is definitely the way to go. Not only do you have enough to make yourself a sandwich, but you get an order of chips on the side as well. If I lived to be ten-thousand, this was still going to be one of those days I bragged about. Even better, when all the happiness was over, they got me bathed, cleaned up, and dressed for my grand appearance with the Khan. Note to self: next time Sally tries to stuff me into a box headed for some godforsaken corner of the earth, go willingly!

  As promised, shortly after sunset James appeared at the entrance of my tent. I excused myself from my little personal harem (hmm, wonder if I should have gotten their names first...oh well) and went out to meet him.

  “I trust your day was sunny,” he said with a bemused grin.

  “Dude, these people know how to party,” I replied, barely able to contain my giddiness. “I am definitely giving this resort five stars on expedia.com.”

  “Excellent to hear. Now if we could just...”

  “I mean I don't know about you,” I continued, still rambling, “but I had all kinds of freaky sex going on today.”

  James put up a hand. “Far too muc
h information, thank you very much. Now if you're done gushing, you have a very important person awaiting you.”

  “Lead the way, my friend,” I said, putting a little swagger into my step. “Oh, and next time you need me to join you anywhere, you just say the word.”

  “I'll keep that in mind,” he answered dryly. Before I could say anything else, he set off at a brisk pace across the compound.

  “So what's the plan?” I asked as we walked.

  “Very simple. We meet with the Khan, enjoy whatever festivities he has planned, and then ship you back out of here.”

  “Ship me out?”

  James nodded. “Yes. As I told you, it's dangerous here right now. Freewill or not, you're too inexperienced to play in this league yet. Right before sunrise, another truck is coming here to take you back to where you belong. Don't worry, though; I asked my men to throw a few rugs into the crate so you're a little more comfortable on the return trip.”

  “Any chance of packing one of those girls in with me?”

  “Alas, you'll just have to live with your memories.” *sigh* Oh well, fortunately I had a good memory...not to mention, a very good imagination.

  We crossed the settlement in a matter of minutes. We arrived at our destination to find Nergui and James’ two other companions waiting for us. They were all mounted on horseback with two additional steeds standing by. James quickly jumped up and got onto the saddle of one of them.

  “I thought we were running there,” I said.

  “Normally, yes,” he replied. “However, in times like this there are certain traditions to respect. The Mongols are expert horsemen.”

  “Yeah, but I'm not. I haven't even been on a pony ride since I was three.”

  “I'll show you what to do. Just follow my lead,” he said patiently.

  What followed was more or less the comedy of errors you would expect. I managed to get into the saddle on my first try. Being a vampire definitely has its perks from the physical side of things; however, the three mile trek to the Khan's settlement took several times longer than it probably should have. Bang and Cheng-gong (get it on, bang a gong!) thought the entire thing was hilarious. James and Nergui, on the other hand, traded glances that ranged from embarrassment to outright disgust. Finally, lest we spend all night wandering aimlessly due to my inability to control a stupid horse, Nergui grabbed the reins from me and led my horse along. Sure, it was a little mortifying. But then again, I'd like to see him try and figure out the NYC subway system on his first try. That'd show him.

  * * *

  I had mentioned a while back that I had felt like I had stepped into an Indiana Jones movie. Now I felt like I was on Tatooine from Star Wars. The Khan's setup looked like something you'd expect to find Jabba the Hutt living in. The settlement was similar, if considerably larger, than the one I had just come from, with one exception. In the middle of it, surrounded by many smaller tents, was a gigantic ornate one. It looked like a portable palace, and I really mean portable. The thing was on wheels as if someone had decided to turn it into its own self-contained wagon-train. James saw my look of awe as we arrived and commented, “Even in this day and age, it's something to behold, isn't it? Takes an entire herd of oxen to pull it, but it allows the Khan’s base of operations to remain mobile.

  “A moving target?” I suggested.

  “In some ways. The way things are going, I'd say that's probably a wise way to look at it.”

  We finally dismounted. Thank god! Hopefully, my vampiric healing would quickly take care of all the sores on my ass from the ride over. Nergui and his loquacious friends went ahead of us into the main tent. James held me back to help him tie up the horses, a task that I was absolutely useless at, by the way.

  “They'll go in and take their seats of honor,” James said, motioning to his three companions. “You'll stay with me. As you're technically under my jurisdiction, you'll follow my lead, and in turn I'll translate for you.”

  “I take it the Khan doesn't speak English.”

  “Only a few words,” he confirmed. “The Khan is not a fan of the various Western languages. He considers them crude and inelegant.”

  “Heh. That sounds to me like...”

  James cut me off, “No. That sounds to me like you still need to watch your mouth. Everyone in there is loyal to the Khan, absolutely loyal. Plenty of them speak English and would be more than happy to translate any stupid comment that comes out of your mouth. I will remind you that you are in the presence of one of the thirteen ruling vampires. They are not known for either their generosity or their willingness to suffer fools.”

  “Noted,” was my answer. Seemed like the only safe one to give. I just hoped my mouth could keep it in neutral for the time being.

  “Good. Now follow my lead. Bow when I bow, and only speak to the Khan if he asks you a question first. Got it?”

  “Roger that, chief,” I said with a brisk mock salute.

  James just sighed and said, “God help us both.”

  * * *

  We approached the entrance to find several unfriendly looking guards blocking the way. James bowed, and I did likewise after he gave me a quick glare. He then said something in Chinese to the guards, at which they parted and let us through.

  Gotta say, considering the guy lived in a tent, the Khan had a pretty swank setup. The entrance hall was lined in multiple layers of what looked like silk. Ornately carved tables covered in various bits of antiquity stood against the walls. I wasn't sure what all of them were, but each and every item looked like it cost more than I'd make in my first lifetime. Gold, silver, ivory, and more gems than I could name stared out at me from statues, sculptures, and vases of varying size. If I had a little bit more skill, and slightly stickier fingers, I could have financed my parents’ retirement with just one bauble.

  We came to the end of the hall, where more guards awaited. They stepped aside, pulling back a heavy drapery to allow us entrance to the main area. James stopped just inside and bade me to do the same. “Wait until he calls for us,” he whispered to me as I took it all in.

  The place was larger on the inside than I thought it would be. There were two rows of tables, separated by several feet of walkway that led up the middle. Vampires, or at least so I assumed, were seated on expensive looking pillows in front of the tables. All in all, there must have been at least four dozen of them present, and they were all feasting on a variety of foods, some normal...some not so. I saw plenty of fruit, a couple cooked pigs and goats, and a few other roasted things that I'd prefer not to think about. Suffice it to say, if any of you are missing any friends or relatives who happened to be visiting China at the time of their disappearance; well, I have bad news for you...I think I found them.

  At the far end of the hall, seated upon a massive pile of pillows was who I assumed to be the Khan. Heh! I had mentioned Jabba the Hutt before, but now I was reminded of him more than ever. The Khan was, to put it mildly, one big fat fuck. I mean, before I had hopped on the plane, or my box as it were, I had looked up Ogedei Khan on the Internet. A few portraits showed that he wasn't exactly a svelte fellow, but this dude...damn! Somebody was really into their Khandy (get it!). On the other hand, I couldn't help but feel a little bit of happiness at seeing him. At long last, I had met another vampire whom I could feel physically superior to, looks-wise at least. Seriously, this guy had to be pushing six hundred easily. I've seen sumo wrestlers who would weep at trying to manhandle this butterball.

  Seated next to his royal porkness, at the head of the table, was a little midget dressed in fine robes. Hmmm, guess the Khan had his own fetishes. No. Wait, it wasn't a midget. On closer look, it was actually a little girl. She was dressed in regal finery and appeared to be not much older than ten. Oh crap. I really hoped she wasn't meant to be the Khan's personal appetizer. Not sure I could sit still and watch that.

  “Who's that?” I whispered to James while we waited for the Khan to acknowledge us. I secretly hoped his answer didn’t include the word din
ner.

  “The Khan, obviously,” he whispered back.

  “No. The little girl.”

  “Oh her? That's the Khan's daughter.”

  “Vampires can have kids?” I sputtered. “Damn, wish I had known that. I didn't use a condom earlier.”

  “Once again, more information than I really wanted to know,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “Now please be quiet before you insult the Khan and get both of us killed!”

  Oh yeah, almost forgot about that part. From what I had been told, the Draculas were not a group to fuck around with. You stepped even an inch out of line with them, and you were dust. Forget about surviving the night; inwardly I wondered if I was going to survive the next five minutes. Pissing people off was a specialty of mine and something I tended to do whether or not I was even trying. Oh well, if things went bad, I had several dozen one-liners I could spout off to Moby Dickhead up front there. If I had to go, I might as well go out with style.