“Yeah, I guess.”
“Well, this is kind of like that.”
Oh. OK. A little something to take the edge off might be just what the doctor ordered. I uncorked it and downed the contents. I winced as it went down. The taste wasn't great, but it was vaguely reminiscent. One summer down at Tom's house, we’d gotten shitfaced on Jagermeister and Rumplemintz...or as they're collectively known when you mix them together; Screaming Nazis. It's a vile concoction, but damn if it doesn't get the job done. This tasted a bit like that, albeit in a slightly more viscous sort of way.
Wow! This shit was more potent, too. Within a few seconds of quaffing it, the room started spinning around me. Within another ten seconds, I found I could no longer even stand. I flopped unceremoniously onto the bottom of the packing crate, managing to turn over and blearily look up at James' face. “What the hell was that?” I slurred at him.
“It's a poison refined from the venom of the Mongolian death worm,” he said matter of factly. “It should keep you out for the majority of the trip. Enjoy your nap.” With that being said, he placed the lid back onto my crate, and I was again sealed into the darkness.
“Mongolian death worm, eh? Yeah, I guess that makes perfect sense,” I thought as I plunged into a much deeper darkness.
Green with Envy
Whoa! I have to make it a point to get some of that stuff for my next party. I spent what felt like maybe five minutes inside of the most freaky-ass, psychedelic hallucination I’ve ever experienced before I was jolted awake by the feeling of my crate being moved. I’d assumed that I was probably still in China, maybe being loaded onto the cargo plane back to the states; however, a short while later the crate lid was pried off. I found myself staring up at the faces of a couple zombies, as well as the vampire shipping clerk who had originally packed me. Definitely have to get some more of that stuff.
“Welcome back. Do you have anything to declare?” the clerk said with a grin.
“I declare that's the last time I fly with air-vampire,” I replied, taking his outstretched hand and pulling myself to my feet. I was still a bit shaky from James' Mongolian death cocktail, but damn if it hadn't done the trick. Fastest flight halfway around the world I’d ever experienced.
The zombies carried my bags back to the door of the terminal. I followed and was let back outside to the gloriousness that is nighttime at LaGuardia. From the look of things, it wasn't particularly late. I turned towards the other vamp and asked, “So how do I get back?”
“There are these marvelous inventions called cabs. Have fun using them,” he replied with a smirk. “Thanks for flying with us. Buh bye!” and with that, the terminal door shut and I could hear it being locked from the inside. Fucker! Some days, I just hate other vampires.
I felt bad about bugging Ed for a ride back, so I figured I'd call Sally and see if she could find it in her non-beating heart to send a car to pick me up. I was still gonna kill her, but I might kill her less severely if she could arrange for a quick pickup for me. I pulled out my cell phone and found it to be even deader than I was. Oh yeah, hadn’t had a chance to recharge that either. Oh well, guess it was time for a hike.
* * *
Fortunately, for all the indignities modern day airports inflict upon us, a shortage of cabs isn't one of them. I walked to the nearest living terminal, my baggage not really slowing my vampire self down at all, thank god, and was quickly able to flag a ride. The trip from of the airport wasn't too painful; traffic was lighter than it had been when I first arrived. Sure, my Indian-accented chauffeur took a few unnecessary turns to jack up the fare, but it was still better than being crammed into Ed's junker. All in all, it was the least eventful thing I had done in several days. For that alone, I figured the cabbie had earned a decent tip.
We made it back to my place, and after sending the cab driver on his way I grabbed my bags to walk up to the apartment I shared with my two friends. I let myself in and noticed the place was dark. My roommates were out. Odd. Or maybe not, as I realized I had no idea what day of the week it was. I had lost at least three or four days from my adventure in total, and taking into account the time distance to China...well, I'd be fucked if I had any idea.
Oh well, I could always check the calendar later. Right now, I needed to unpack, plug in my rechargeables (come to think of it, my cell being dead might be a minor godsend considering the roaming charges), and take myself a nice long shower to wash the smell of horses, rocks, and Bang off me. Thus, that is what I did.
* * *
I’d just gotten dressed and was walking into the kitchen to grab myself a nice glass of blood from the fridge when I heard the apartment door being unlocked. Cool. One of my bros was home. I was all prepared to give them a disgustingly pornographic retelling of my little Asian adventure.
The door opened, and Ed walked in. I was just opening my mouth to say hi when Sally came strolling in behind him. Ed turned and saw me, but my gaze was locked onto Sally. A moment later, she, too, realized I was in the apartment and our eyes met; a look of surprise on her face, a slowly spreading snarl on mine.
“You...”
“Hey, Bill,” Ed greeted me. “Home already?”
“...bitch!” I finished, ignoring him. I grabbed the nearest thing to me, our toaster, and trudged into the living room.
She started to back away. “What's up, boss?” she said with a shaky little smile.
“Come over here so I can brain you,” I growled, lifting the toaster and going after her.
She ducked out of my reach and ran to the far side of our couch. “I can see you're a little miffed.”
“A little!? You shipped me to fucking China like I was a piece of furniture!” I yelled, chasing her around the couch.
“James wanted to talk to you,” she said, continuing to evade me.
“On the phone!”
“Oh that. Yeah, I might have forgotten that detail.”
“I'm forgetting little details, too,” I said, again trying to cut her off, “like why I keep letting you live.”
“Taking this a little hard, aren't we?” she asked, once more sliding out of my reach...nimble little minx that she was.
“I was stuck in a packing crate for two days! Maybe I should do the same thing to you and see how you like it!”
“Sorry! You said you wanted a vacation. I was just trying to give you one!”
I stopped my pursuit of her and stood there, fuming. “A vacation...” I started to say, and then something in my brain clicked. I took a deep breath to assess the situation.
Ed, apparently sensing that we were having a moment, had wisely retreated to our kitchen nook to see how things played out. I suddenly realized that he was dressed fairly nice: dress shirt, slacks, and his good shoes.
I turned to Sally, and my brain registered that she was wearing a tight maroon cocktail dress. I looked back and forth between them for a few seconds, letting this all sink in, and I was only brought back to reality by a small crash. I realized it was the toaster hitting the floor, as I had just dropped it.
“What the fuck is going on here?” I asked.
“Oh this?” asked Ed, sounding guilty. “I was gonna mention it.”
“Mention what?” I inquired, a bit of attitude working its way into my voice.
“Oh Christ!” exclaimed Sally with an eye-roll. “We went out on a date. There, happy?”
A date? My roommate, friend, and colleague had just gone out with my coven-mate and psycho, hell-beast bitch of a partner. When the fuck did I leave reality and wind up in Bizarro universe?
I turned to Sally. “I thought you hated my roommates.”
“Hate is such a strong word.” Sally shrugged. “Although that other friend of yours kind of creeps me out a bit.”
“And I thought that you,” I said, turning to Ed, “were terrified of Sally.”
“Oh, I am. No doubt about that,” Ed replied. As he did so, Sally shot him a playful little grin.
“What can I say?”
Sally chimed back in. “I like a little honesty in a man.”
“This is so not happening,” I stammered, sinking down onto the couch.
“Relax, man. It was just a little dinner and a few drinks,” replied Ed in a conciliatory tone.
“Relax? Relax!?” I growled, getting back to my feet. “I have a whole shitload of reasons why I won't be relaxing anytime soon.”
“OK OK, calm down,” he said and then turned to Sally. “I'm thinking maybe we'll ixnay that cup of coffee.”
“No problem. I'll take a rain check.” (a rain check!?)
I stood up to get a pair of shoes, calling back to her, “I'll walk you to the train. We're not finished yet.”
* * *
“You're almost cute when you're jealous,” Sally purred when we stepped out into the street.
“I am not jealous.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“Besides,” I continued, “I seem to recall giving clear instructions that my roommates were off limits.”
“I wasn't gonna kill him, jeez! Overreacting a little, aren't we?”
“Fine. Let me amend my instructions. No killing or fucking my roommates. Happy?”
“I didn't fuck him...yet. Not that it's any of your business.”
“Yet?” I growled.
“See? You are jealous,” she replied in a smug little voice. God, if you're up there, please give me the strength not to kill this woman.
“Fine! You're right; probably none of my business. I'm still pissed at you for sending me to China needlessly, though.”
“OK, maybe I should apologize for that,” she said as we continued walking to the Eighty-Sixth Street station. “However, I really was only trying to help. I figured a few days in an exotic country might let you blow off a little steam.”
She almost sounded sincere on that one...or as sincere as Sally ever sounded. Sure, I’d gotten attacked, beaten up, and almost had my head popped off by the mother of all compulsions, but then again there was the Khan's hospitality. I’d definitely blown off a couple years’ worth of steam with that one.
“Very well,” I finally replied after thinking it over for a few minutes. “Apology accepted on that one. But what about that bullshit with the packing crate?”
She turned and gave me an impish grin. “That part was me just fucking with you.”
Bitch!
Fat Chicks versus Vampire Cake
I returned home, a headache starting to set in, much as it often did following a conversation with Sally. Ed was still up and sitting at our table, no doubt waiting for me. I was half-expecting to have him chew me a new asshole. Maybe I deserved it. I sat down across from him.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he acknowledged in return.
“So how big of a dick was I just now?”
“Pretty colossal,” he replied
“Sorry about that. You pissed that I fucked up your date?”
“You didn't really fuck it up. She was just coming up for a cup of coffee.”
“You sure?”
“Pretty much. You’ve got to work your way up to putting the moves on a chick who could snap you like a twig and enjoy every second of it,” he said with a smile. “Besides, if I were in your place, I probably would have reacted the same way. So, she really freighted you to China?”
“Yep.”
“Damn. I guess then I can forgive you this one time for being a little ticked off. I can see how that could ruin a person's day.”
“Cool. Thanks, man,” I said. It was always good to see bros before ho's being upheld.
We were interrupted from any further male bonding by the arrival of our other roommate, Tom. Just as well. If the conversation kept going the way it was, we’d be entering metrosexual territory pretty soon.
Fortunately, Tom was a master at killing any such mood. “S'up, guys?” he said as way of greeting, and then added, “sorry to interrupt you two staring soulfully into each other's eyes.” Tom being an asshole was one constant in the universe that I could always count on.
“Ah, the wayward son returns,” I said back to him.
“So sayeth the world traveler,” he shot right back.
“Fair enough,” I acknowledged. “So what have you been up to? My Chinese connections aside, I haven't seen you much this past week or so.”
Tom grabbed a beer from the fridge and joined us at the table. It had been a busy couple weeks for all of us; thus, we hadn't been together as a team like this in a while. It felt good to have my two closest amigos by my side again.
“Been out on a date,” Tom replied.
“Found a new glory hole at Penn Station?” Ed asked without missing a beat.
“Nah. Your mom called dibs on all the good ones. I was out again with Christy.”
“She that chick from work?” I asked.
“Yep.”
“How are things going with her?”
“Pretty good,” he said. “She's cute, and we have fun. She's a little weird, though.”
“How so? Are we talking weird as in has a penis?” I quipped.
“Don't confuse my dating life with your own. No, I mean she's quirky. It's hard to explain. Sometimes she gets this faraway look in her eyes. And the weirdest thing...sometimes she knows things.”
“Like she's dating a virgin?” Ed chimed in.
“Only if she's seeing one of you on the side. But I'm serious. Sometimes we'll be walking down the street, and she'll just make these weird predictions out of nowhere. The other night, she pointed out this cab and said that the driver was gonna be in an accident. Sure enough, ten seconds go by and we hear this crash. Some other guy ran a light and plowed into him broadside. It was freaky.”
“Well, I guess she does have to be a little freaky to date you,” I replied.
Ed added, “Until such time as she produces winning lotto numbers, I'm calling coincidence.”
“Maybe,” Tom said with a shrug. “Oh, speaking of winning the lottery, how did your...thing go tonight?” he asked Ed.
“Bill knows.”
“You knew about this, too?” I shot at Tom.
“Knew? Who do you think put the Edster up to it? That chick was being wasted just doing your clerical work.”
“For the last time, Sally's not my secretary!”
“Your loss, dude,” Tom said. “Personally, I wouldn't mind calling her into my office for a little dictation.”
Ed sipped on his coffee and replied, “Little is an apt word to describe any dictation you'd be giving.”
Tom just smiled back at Ed. “I'm pretty sure my date tonight would disagree.”
Oh, enough of this crap! Time to show these fuckers who was really the king around these parts. “Speaking of dates, I had one this week that puts all of your sad, pathetic little lives to shame,” I said with an arrogant sneer. Once I was sure that I had their attention, I continued, “So, do you guys wanna hear about China or not?”
* * *
I filled them in on my adventures on the other side of the world from start to finish, making it a point to pay extra attention to my day of unrelenting lust. By the time I was finished, a good hour had been killed.
I concluded my tale with, “So what do you think? Pretty goddamn intense trip, eh?”
Ed and Tom gave each other a glance from across the table. Finally, Tom spoke up. “Three chicks, huh?” I nodded smugly at him. He continued, “And do you happen to have any proof of this holy grail of scoredom?”
“What do you mean, proof?” I asked.
“Exactly that,” Tom said. “We're talking panties, interesting marks on your body, video...”
Ed then jumped in, “In short, what we’re trying to say is...pics, or it didn't happen.”
“My cell phone was dead,” I replied.
“Likely story.”
“Seriously. Have you ever been to a Mongolian vampire village?” I asked them. “We’re talking Gilligan’s Island here...like Robinson Crusoe, it’s as primitiv
e as can be.”
“Uh huh.”
“Oh, come on!” I spat. “Don't tell me you think I'm making this shit up.”
“Well, I mean, look at it from our viewpoint,” replied Tom. “No pics. No witnesses. Seems a bit too convenient to me.”
Ed nodded and added, “You gotta admit, Bill, this sounds suspiciously like the ‘old girlfriend from Canada’ routine.”
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