Scary Dead Things - 02

by Rick Gualtieri

  * * *

  A few minutes later, the three of us were seated in Sally's executive suite (bitch). I sat Gan down and got her a blood pack from Sally's mini bar (grrrrr) to suck on.

  “I normally prefer my food fresh,” she complained.

  “Maybe later. For now, just eat this, please.”

  “I will do it for you, Dr. Death,” she said, beaming up at me.

  “OK, so you wanna tell me who Wednesday Adams here is?” Sally asked from behind her expensive mahogany desk (goddamn it!).

  “Very well,” I answered. “This is Gansetseg, daughter of the Khan...you know, as in the Khan who's a member of the Draculas? I hear he's kind of a big deal.”

  “Oh,” replied Sally. She hadn't been expecting that part. Anything that was even remotely connected to the Draculas got instant respect in the general vampire community. Even Sally was at a loss for words, which probably said a lot about the whole situation. “Pleasure to meet you, Gansetseg,” she finally said.

  “You may call me Gan, whore. I have grown to prefer it.”

  Regardless of Gan's station in the vampire hierarchy, her comment immediately popped the little bubble of awe that had been forming around Sally. Sally glared daggers at her, and then turned her venomous gaze towards me. “And what, pray tell, is the Khan's daughter doing here?”

  “Actually, that's a good question,” I remarked, realizing that I didn't know either. I figured I’d do the simplest thing...ask. “Gan, what are you doing in New York?”

  “I followed you, obviously,” was her answer. She finished her drink and tossed the empty blood pack unceremoniously into the trash, much like any normal child might dispose of a juice box.

  “Obviously,” Sally mimicked with an eye-roll.

  It did not go unnoticed by Gan, however. “What is that expression the whore makes?”

  “Oh, that? It's a...sign of respect,” I said, giving Sally a sideways glance. Hopefully, she was smart enough to realize that I had probably just saved her life. Pint-sized or not, Gan was three hundred years old. That meant she was most likely more than a match for either of us.

  “That is good. Perhaps she knows her place after all,” Gan continued.

  Before Sally could open her mouth and ruin it - because believe me, she was going to - I continued questioning Gan. “So why exactly did you follow me?”

  Gan smiled as she answered, “Because I have chosen you as my mate.”

  Gan and Billy Sitting in a Tree

  “WHAT!?” Sally and I simultaneously blurted out.

  “I have decided you are to be my mate,” Gan replied evenly. “I shall be your queen, and you shall be my consort.”

  I turned back towards Sally and saw that her face had gone red again (really have no idea how she was doing that); however, this time it wasn't anger. She looked like her head was about to explode. She quickly excused herself. The door had just barely closed behind her before I heard an eruption of laughter from outside. Good to see she had my back here.

  “I'm not sure I understand, Gan,” I said, ignoring the guffaws still coming from outside of the closed door.

  “For centuries, my father has treated me like a child; however, I am no child. I am a woman, old enough to make choices. And I have chosen you, Freewill, to be mine forever.”

  “Why exactly?”

  “We are an excellent pairing. I am royalty. One day, I shall ascend to the First Coven to sit as an equal with my father. You are the Freewill that our legends speak of. Together, we would make a formidable team. Besides, you also make me smile.” She grinned up at me with those big green eyes of hers.

  Oh boy. This was starting to look messy. “And your father agrees with this?”

  “No. He is too set in his ways. He told me that he forbids it. But I am a woman. I do as my heart commands.”

  A thought entered my head, and with it I could feel the threat of a migraine coming on. “Your father didn't let you come here, did he?”

  “I need ask no permission. I am a woman. I go where I please. It pleased me to come here after you.”

  Oh shit! No wonder James had wanted me to leave. He had been listening in on their argument back at my dinner/trial. I guess he figured out of sight, out of mind. He figured wrong.

  “Gan, listen to me. This is important. Does the Khan know where you are now?”

  “I would imagine so. I left father a letter stating my intentions as a woman.”

  Oh shit, oh shit! I tried to hide the fact that I could feel pinpricks of sweat breaking out on my forehead. I asked with a forced cheerfulness that I wasn’t feeling, “Just one more little question, Gan. What do you think your father will do once he reads your letter?”

  “Father is set in his ways,” she replied in the bored tone of someone who has seen this sort of thing happen many times before. “He will no doubt send his assassins to retrieve me and most likely kill you and your followers (oh, of course!). But do not worry. Together, we will defeat them and send their heads back to him. Then we shall be together forever.”

  * * *

  I left Gan sitting where she was and stepped out. I found Sally still wiping tears from her eyes. “Glad you find this amusing,” I snarled at her.

  “Oh, you have no idea,” she chuckled back at me. “I haven't laughed that hard in decades.”

  “Good, because I hope you can keep your sense of humor when you learn how fucked we are.”

  I filled her in on what Gan had just told me, making a point to emphasize the assassins coming to kill me and my followers.

  “How bad are we talking here?” she asked, having quickly sobered up.

  “If it's what I think, then we’re probably talking three vamps with about a millennium of experience amongst them.”

  “That's not good.”

  “Ya think?” I snapped back at her.

  “Don't get all testy at me. You're the one that the ten-year-old she-demon finds irresistible.”

  “Twelve.”

  “What?”

  “She's twelve...sorta,” I replied.

  “I'm pretty sure that wouldn't matter much to a jury.”

  “It's not the judge or the jury I'm worried about,” I said. “It's the executioners.”

  “I swear, trouble just swarms to you like flies to shit.”

  “Maybe next time you'll just let me take my vacation in peace,” I offered. “As usual, the caveat being that there is a next time.”

  “That’s one of the things I admire about you, Bill, your always upbeat attitude.”

  “What can I say? The world needs more eternal optimists like me,” I joked.

  “All jokes aside,” Sally said, getting back to the subject at hand. “What are we gonna do about this?”

  “Not sure. From what I learned while I was there, apparently these people put some pretty big stock in my being a Freewill. You should have heard the shit they were spouting.”

  “Let me guess, the words chosen one were spoken?” Sally ventured.

  “Not quite, but pretty close.”

  She sighed. “The world needs some new clichés.”

  “Tell me about it,” I agreed. “But anyway, I know at least one of the guys the Khan will be sending, a dude named Nergui...”

  “Nerd Gay?”

  “Watch it! The juvenile humor is supposed to be my thing,” I warned.

  “Sorry. You must be rubbing off on me.”

  “We can talk about you rubbing me off another time,” I said, quickly jumping out of slapping range. “For now, though, let's focus. Nergui speaks English. Maybe we can talk him down. Hopefully, he'll be willing to listen to our side of the story.”

  She considered this for a moment. “A lot depends on the Khan here. If he gave a solid order...or worse yet, gave Nergui a compulsion to kill you, then all the flowery words in the world won't save us here.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I kind of figured that was the more likely scenario.”

  “I'll put the coven on alert.”

>   “Good idea. What’s the drill?” I asked. I was ostensibly in charge of the coven, but even I had to admit Sally had way more experience in vampire goings-on than I did. She also kept an eye on things during the week while I was off earning my sheckles as a code monkey. Thus, there was no shame in deferring to her now.

  “I have a couple of ideas.”

  “Lay them on me.”

  “OK,” she started. “For now, I say we assign guards to the main coven nests. Here, the loft, maybe the warehouse. Encourage the rest of the coven to stay in those places and not go anywhere except in a group. That part shouldn't be hard.”

  I nodded in agreement. Jeff had run the coven much like a frat house, and a good deal of that mentality still remained. I was half-surprised whenever I saw any of our membership get up to use the bathroom without three others in tow.

  “I’ll also tell them to make it a point to notify us immediately in case anyone goes missing,” she finished.

  “I almost hate to suggest this, but what about arming the coven?” I asked.

  “Stakes?”

  “Guns,” I corrected. Vampires are much stronger and more durable than humans, and we heal in a fraction of the time; however, from personal experience, I can attest that our nerve endings work just fine. A gun shot wouldn't do much in the way of killing a vampire, but it would hurt like hell and give the attacker an advantage. Now that I was thinking of it, maybe something like a bayonet would be ideal. Shoot ‘em, then stake ‘em!

  “Tricky,” she said, shaking her head. “You know how we have some deals in place with the human authorities?”

  “To keep our messes under the rug?”

  “Exactly. Well, part of those agreements include that we're not really supposed to arm ourselves with anything other than basic melee crap. I mean, haven't you wondered why you haven't seen any of us packing heat before?”

  Actually, I hadn't. Now that I thought of it, the whole fracas with Samuel's group had immediately turned into a street brawl...not a single shot fired by either side. Hell, not a single gun brandished. Damn, I really needed to start paying attention better. I shrugged and replied, “I guess I just thought you were all a bunch of luddites.”

  “What?”

  “Basically, I figured you guys just didn't like technology because it was some kind of vampire thing. You know, maybe you all thought you were too cool for guns.”

  She rolled her eyes and started to open her mouth, but before she could do so the door to her office opened.

  “I grow weary of your whore's sitting room,” said Gan, standing there with a pouty look on her face. She might have the mind of a three-hundred-year-old vampire, but there were still some decidedly kid-like things about her.

  Before Sally could say anything that would cause the rest of us to start betting on who would win in a fight (my money was on Gan), I stepped between them and addressed the little tyke. “Can you give us just a few more minutes? We're almost done here. Please...for me?” I said in my friendliest tone.

  Gan mimicked Sally's eye roll and did as I asked. After she had closed the door behind her, I turned back to my partner and said, “Awww! Isn't that cute? She's already learning something from her auntie Sally.”

  “Good, Bill. Because if you had called me auntie whore, I'd have killed you myself.” From the look on Sally's face, I didn't care to dispute that. “Although little Ms. Pain-In-The-Ass there has reminded me...what exactly are you going to do about her?”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you. She obviously wuvs you,” Sally mocked. “Unless, that is, you'd prefer to just let her, a poor helpless child, loose in the city.”

  I thought about that for a second before replying, “Do you think the city would stand a chance?”

  “It'd be burnt to the ground inside of twelve hours,” she stated.

  “Maybe the coven could...ya know...watch her?” I asked hopefully.

  “Can you really think of anyone in our group who you would trust to babysit?”

  I thought for a moment, and then looked up. Sally had no doubt read my mind because we both said simultaneously, “Starlight!”

  “I guess that could work,” Sally admitted.

  “Cool.”

  “Just one problem. I sent Starlight up to Boston. She won't be back until tomorrow night at the earliest.”

  “Why did you send her to Boston?” I asked, already knowing the answer. Boston was the HQ for vampire activity in the Northeast.

  “I needed to file some papers up there,” confirmed Sally.

  “She's not your secretary!”

  “But she's so good at it.”

  “OK, enough. Arguing won't get her back here any sooner.”

  “Good, it's settled then!”

  “What's settled?” I asked

  Sadly, I probably should have known that she was going to say, “Gan can stay at your place tonight!”

  * * *

  Sometimes I love New York City. No matter how much of a cesspool of humanity it could be at times, I had to admit it was the only place in the world where a little Asian princess dressed in expensive silk fineries could ride the subway with a dorky companion like myself and not draw any stares. Speaking of which, though, I made a mental note to update Gan's wardrobe to something a little less conspicuous. Dressed as she was, she was practically a signal flare to the Khan's kill squad. Unfortunately, that created a whole new problem. I had no idea where twelve-year-old girls went shopping for clothes. Is The Gap still cool? Was it ever? How the hell would I know?

  Oh well, that was tomorrow night's problem. For now, it was time to get Gan back to my place and explain to my roommates that we were now babysitters to a three-hundred-year-old spoiled little rich girl. Back when I had first told them both that I’d been turned into a vampire, they’d taken it exceptionally well. I had a sneaking suspicion that asking them to help me watch over the Khan's little hellion was going to go over a whole lot less smoothly. It’s kind of funny if you think about it. You tell some guys you're a vampire, a werewolf, or the freaking Creature from the Black Lagoon, and they'll just say “Cool” and go back to whatever they were watching on the SyFy channel; however, if you were to ask them to watch your pre-teen niece, then you'd be in for a freak-out.

  But oh well, I figured they owed me for all the times they’d almost immolated me in the name of testing out my vampire powers. They could deal with it.

  We arrived at my building and walked up to my apartment on the top floor. I unlocked the door and held it open for Gan. “Welcome to my place.”

  “This is where you rule your coven from?” she asked with a bit of confusion. “It does not speak well for one of your status.” *sigh* Everyone's a critic! So sorry that my bachelor pad doesn’t conform to her highness' lofty expectations.

  “It's...a disguise,” I said, making it up on the spot. Yeah, that works. “So my enemies don't suspect my true power.” (Jeez, I sound like Dr. Doom)

  “Ah, I see,” she replied, nodding approvingly. “My apologies, I underestimated your wisdom. You live in a den of pig offal so as to confuse your adversaries. Clever indeed.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” I said, tossing my jacket onto the couch. “Make yourself at home.”

  “Where is our bed?”

  That stopped me dead in my tracks. “Our bed?”

  “Yes. As your mate, are we not expected to share such things?”

  Jesus fucking Christ! All these years I've been praying that one day a girl would say something like that to me. It figures that when it finally happened, it would be from a psychotic, pre-pubescent mini-vamp! If this was going to be my eternity, I might as well just run into the sunshine right now with a big ol’ smile on my face.

  I was about to give Gan a long lecture on exactly why we wouldn't be sleeping anywhere even remotely in the same room when Ed's bedroom door opened and he strolled out.

  “Hey, Bill,” he said, and then, upon noticing Gan, added, “What's with the munchkin?”


  Gan turned and smiled up at me. “You keep your own supply of food here? Excellent! I shall sample him.” With that, she launched herself across the room and slammed into my roommate. He went down hard, and she landed on top of him.

  “Holy shit!” I yelled, throwing myself after her. Damn, she was fast. Fortunately for me, I don't exactly live in Windsor Manor. Thus, it was only a few steps until I could grab her and drag her off Ed. Or try to drag her off Ed. She was strong for her size, too.