Scary Dead Things - 02

by Rick Gualtieri

  We were all rolling around, having a good time, when I finally wound up on my back. I turned my head to the side and saw Ed lying there just a few feet from me. He had his own female companionship busy nuzzling his neck while grinding away on top of him.

  “S'up, bro?” I called to him.

  “S'up, Bill!” he called back, a big grin on his face.

  “What? No ‘hi’ for me?” the girl on top of him said, turning around to face me.

  “Hey, Sally! What are you doing here?” I cheerfully inquired.

  “Oh, just fucking your roommate like a good little whore.”

  “Good for you!” I answered back.

  “When your other buddy gets here, do you want me to take care of him, too?” she purred, running her nails down Ed's chest.

  “Entirely up to you, babe. Personally, I say you snooze you lose,” I commented.

  “Whatever you say, Bill. You're the boss.”

  Yes, I am, I thought, getting back into my own groove.

  “Bill! What are you doing?” asked a voice from my other side. I turned my head and met Gan's eyes.

  “I'm kind of busy, Gan. Can you come back later?”

  “No, I cannot,” she said with a pouty tone. “Our wedding is now. You will be late!”

  “Don't worry,” I assured her. “I'll be finished here soon enough, thanks to my lack of stamina.”

  “Bill...” she called again.

  “Bill!”

  “BILL!!”

  * * *

  “BILL, WAKE UP!!”

  Let it be known that a vampiric compulsion makes one hell of an alarm clock. I snapped out of the dream with a jolt. A part of me was sad to see it go, but the rational part of me that neither wants to see my roommate naked nor wishes for Gan to watch me having sex was fairly relieved to see it go back to the realm of my fucked up subconscious.

  I lifted my hands to rub my eyes...correction, tried to lift my hands. They didn't seem to be making much headway. For a moment, I had an intense feeling of panic that maybe my hands didn't move because I didn't have hands, or for that matter, a body anymore. Living forever as the equivalent of a talking bowling ball did not particularly appeal to me; however, it quickly passed as I looked down and saw I was still properly attached to my favorite parts. I just couldn't move any of them.

  I was sitting upright in a chair. That much was obvious. However, I didn't seem to be restrained by anything. I tried again to move...nothing. OK, time to force the issue and put a little of that vaunted vampire strength to use. I struggled again, and this time...OUCH!! Suddenly, it felt like both my arms were on fire. I glanced down and saw they were actually smoking. What the fuck!?

  “I was just about to warn you not to try that,” said Sally.

  I turned towards her voice and saw that she was seated about two feet to my left. She must have been the one who compelled me to wake as I saw that Gan, a little further down and seated in her own chair, was apparently still out cold. Sally likewise appeared to be unbound in any way. Yet, like me, she was unmoving.

  “Are you OK?” I croaked at her.

  “I'd say we're a bit closer to fucked than we are to OK,” said a voice to my right. I turned my head to see my roommates, Ed and Tom. They were seated like me with the exception that they were actually tied up with rope. Tom was the one who had spoken. Ed's eyes were open, but he looked like he was still out of it.

  I craned my head to look around. We were definitely not in our apartment. But where? It seemed kind of familiar. Duh! It seemed familiar because it was familiar, as in I had been here just a few short hours ago.

  “Are we at the loft?” I asked Sally.

  “Looks like it,” she answered.

  “I guess the question is, why?”

  “Christy,” said Tom.

  “What?”

  “Christy...you know, my girlfriend? The one I tried to tell you about earlier when you just blew me off.”

  “What about her?” I asked. “You said she was a bitch or something.”

  “I said she was a witch!”

  “Aren't all women?” slurred Ed.

  I ignored that and asked, “So why do you think she's a witch?”

  “Well, for starters she told me,” Tom said. “Secondly...” he looked around at us all, “Duh!”

  “OK, point taken,” I conceded. “Sally, what do you know about witches?”

  “They like ruby slippers?”

  “Not particularly helpful, Sally.”

  “Sorry. What do you want me to say? I've never met one aside from a few of those Wiccan hippies. All I know are stories.”

  “Well, since we all seem to be gathered ‘round the campfire, why don't you tell us one?”

  “I don't know much,” she replied. “Supposedly we've tangled with them in the past. But we're talking King Arthur and Knights of the Round Table timeframes here.”

  “I guess the question then is, why is one tangling with us now? How would she even know we're vampires?”

  At that, Tom made a slight coughing noise.

  “What the hell did you do, dipshit?” Sally hissed at him.

  “I might have kind of told her Bill was a vampire,” he replied sheepishly.

  “Kind of?”

  “Well, she seemed to already suspect it...no idea how, but I guess she needed me to confirm it.”

  I gritted my teeth. “And you did?”

  “Dude, sorry. I didn't think anything of it, and she can do these things with her mouth that would just cause you to lose your fucking mind!”

  “It's so nice to know that the secret of vampires existing is up for grabs to the first bimbo who gives you a blowjob!” snarled Sally.

  “If it helps, it was a really good blowjob.”

  “It doesn't!” she replied in a tone that said she'd gladly break my ‘no killing the roommates’ rule had she been able to. Right at that moment, I might have even been tempted to let her. Still, that wouldn’t exactly get us out of this mess.

  “OK, enough! What's done is done,” I Interrupted. “Tom, I accepted the fact that you're a fucking dumbass years ago. I guess I can't fault you for being you.”

  “I can!” said Sally.

  “Save it for later,” I said.

  “You know,” Tom said, trying to change the subject. “It's kind of weird?”

  “What is? I can think of about fifty weird things right now off the top of my head.”

  “Well, think about it,” he continued. “Six months ago, if someone had told us they'd seen a ghost, we'd have laughed our asses off at him. But today...well, have you noticed how lately we can't take a crap without running into some creature straight out of a fairy tale?”

  “Come to think of it, I guess you're right. That is a bit weird,” I replied. “However, it’s not really too relevant to our situation. For now, we should probably be wondering why we're here and why Sally and I can't move.”

  “I can answer that,” said a voice from behind us.

  * * *

  The owner of the voice stepped in front of us. She was a cute brunette of average height and wearing a simple white dress. She had a pretty nice figure, along with bright blue eyes and what I guessed was at least a C-cup rack. I could see what Tom saw in her.

  “Nice to meet you, Christy,” I said dryly.

  “Likewise, Bill. I've heard a lot about you,” she said with a sly smile.

  “So I've heard,” I replied, throwing a glare at Tom.

  She smiled at that. “Don't be mad at him. We've been aware of you for a while now. I just needed to confirm our suspicions.”

  “We?” I asked.

  However, before she could answer, Tom had to jump in and do his best to help the situation along. “Are you saying you just used me...like a piece of meat?” he looked thoughtful for a moment, and then added, “I guess I can live with that.”

  Christy walked over to him and playfully ruffled his hair. “And who says I'm through using you?” she asked with a wink.
<
br />   “I don't suppose you’d mind just killing me now before I throw up in my mouth?” Sally commented.

  Tom ignored her outburst and said to Christy, “Sorry, babe. As much as I like being used in that way, it's not cool when you mess with my buds. I'm thinking that might put a damper on our relationship...as in welcome to Dumpsville, population you.”

  She gave him a pouty look in return but didn't remove her hand from his head. “Well then, lover, it's a good thing you won't remember any of this.”

  She started chanting under her breath. It was low, but it had an odd echo to it, almost as if she were hooked up to an amp set to reverb. Within a few seconds, the hand on Tom's head actually started to glow in a yellow light. Tom's body convulsed once, and then his eyes glazed over and closed.

  I was too stunned to speak for a second. Fortunately, Sally managed to blurt out what I should have. “What the fuck did you do to him?”

  “Nothing much,” the witch replied. “Just erased the last four hours from his memories and sent him off to LaLa land for a while.”

  “Guess that answers the question of whether you're good witch or a bad witch,” snapped Sally.

  I finally found my voice. “Are you sure he's OK? Because if he's not...”

  “Don't worry, my dear Freewill,” she answered. “We have no quarrel with him.”

  “There's that we word again.”

  “Me and my coven,” she answered.

  “You do know you guys stole that one from us, right?” I shot back.

  I heard the door click open behind us, and then a new voice answered my question, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” This one I recognized.

  “You've got to be fucking kidding me!” I said while the newcomer walked around me.

  Christy bowed as he entered view. “Master, I have done as told.”

  “And you shall be rewarded, my child,” said Harry Decker, stepping in front of me. He gave Christy a loving caress on her cheek before turning to face me.

  “Son of a bitch,” I exhaled.

  He in turn replied, “I bet you're wishing right now that you hadn't ruined my night.”

  * * *

  “So let me get this straight, you're a witch, too?” I asked.

  “Wizard,” he corrected. “Women are witches, men are wizards.”

  “And either way, you're still an asshole. Although I guess that explains how you were able to hang on to that cushy job without doing dick.”

  “No. That’s just knowing how to play corporate politics. No magic necessary. You might want to consider learning a few lessons there yourself,” he jabbed back.

  “So what is all this?” I said, gesturing around as best as I could.

  “This is what must be done,” he answered cryptically.

  “Please don't tell me that all of this is because Bill sent you home tonight with a giant case of the blue balls,” chimed Sally.

  “Don't be absurd, woman,” Decker answered. “That little trollop (oh yeah, those are fighting words!) is meaningless to me. But I knew if word got out that I was courting her, Mr. Ryder here would have to respond in some way.” He turned back to me and continued, “And in case you're wondering, no magic was needed for that either. The whole office is more than aware of your pathetic little case of puppy love.”

  “The whole office?” I asked.

  “You might as well wear a sandwich board with it written in block letters,” he sneered. “As it were, it turns out tonight was just a fortuitous coincidence that allowed me to accelerate my plans. It is as if fate itself has delivered you unto me.”

  Gan's eyes suddenly opened. “You should have let me kill him,” she said, her tone implying she had been listening in on things. “I told you his kind would not be missed.”

  My mouth dropped open. “You knew he was a wizard, Gan?”

  “Of course,” she replied. “You did not?”

  “Gan, if we get out of this, we need to have a little talk about this thing called assuming.”

  Decker interrupted, “It's safe to say that you won't be having that conversation.”

  However, Gan merely bared her fangs at that and replied, “In that, you are wrong, wizard.”

  * * *

  Gan began to flex against her...whatever it was that was holding her in place. After a few seconds, flashes began flaring up and down her arms as she encountered the same resistance I had. Decker and Christy both smiled smugly as the smell of burning flesh began to permeate the room; however, those smiles began to crumble as Gan continued her assault, heedless of the fact that she was rapidly starting to go all crispy. I have to say I was impressed...and a little dismayed that I was being shown up by someone who looked like a sixth grader.

  “You cannot escape. Those are bonds of faith!” sneered Decker, but there was worry behind his voice.

  “Then...perhaps...” Gan said, continuing to struggle, “you...need... stronger...faith!” and with that, there was a flash of light - and suddenly Gan was standing on her feet. She looked like five miles of bad road, but an experienced vampire can take a lot of abuse before going down. Gan was apparently no exception to that.

  She snarled and leapt at Decker to finish the job that, in hindsight, maybe I should have allowed her to do in the first place. As she did, I made a mental note to have a conversation with Sally about her lousy timing regarding humanity speeches.

  Decker appeared to be completely surprised by the attack, but his pet witch, Christy, was not. She screamed, “Master!” and threw up her hands in a warding gesture. Whatever it was, it managed to snag Gan in mid-air just centimeters away from connecting with Harry.

  Gan struggled against it, but the witch made another gesture, screamed something inarticulate, and suddenly Gan was no longer there.

  “Gan!” I yelled as Christy slumped to the floor, apparently drained from the effort.

  “What the hell did you do to her!?” yelled Sally.

  Decker ignored us and went to Christy's side to help her up.

  Christy looked semi-stunned by whatever she had just done, but she managed to pant, “Forgive me, master. I only had time to send the child beast back.”

  “Back!? Back where?” I snarled.

  “Fear not, Mr. Ryder,” said Harry, turning back to me. “You little pet isn't harmed. My assistant merely reversed the spell that brought you all here. She's back in your apartment, safe, but in no position to cause us further interruption.”

  I let out a sigh of relief. Psycho or not, I felt a responsibility for Gan. There was also the fact that her getting dusted on my watch would most likely put the kibosh on any chance of talking the assassins out of killing me.

  “Speaking of which,” Sally spoke up. “Why the hell are we here? What, you didn't think Bill's apartment was creepy enough for you guys? Trust me, I've seen it. It is.”

  Decker turned and answered in a slow voice, “Because this is where it all began!”

  * * *

  “Not following you,” Sally replied.

  “This is where the Freewill was born, you simpleton of a slut,” he spat back at her. Before she could open her mouth to reply, he continued, “Yes, we know. We've been aware of your coven and your kind for a long time. We've been watching you.”

  “So now you're a voyeur in addition to being an asshole?” she shot back. Go, Sally! I could see what she was trying to do. It was Superhero 101: piss off the villain until he started monologuing all about his grand scheme. Once he's distracted by his own delusions of grandeur, then *WHAM* - we bust out and take him down. I just wasn't sure how that last part was going to play itself out yet. Hopefully, it wasn't with “and now you know my plan so... *ZAP*” Fortunately for me, Sally was playing a game that I was qualified to be in the pro leagues for.

  “Yo, Decker,” I said. “I have a question for you.”

  “Yes, Freewill?” he said with a sly grin. “How may I enlighten you?”

  “Something that's been bugging me. What the fuck is up w
ith wizards named Harry?”

  He looked confused, so I continued. “I mean, seriously, it seems like every freaking wizard I've heard of lately has been named Harry. There's you, Harry Potter, Harry Dresden, Harry Houdini...”