Scary Dead Things - 02

by Rick Gualtieri

  “I don't think that last one was a real wizard,” commented Sally.

  “Actually, he was,” Christy replied.

  “See!?” I said. “Do wizard mommies just have zero in the way of creativity, or is there something mystical about having a name that probably earned you multiple ass-kickings on the playground?”

  “What does that have to do with anything?” Decker replied angrily.

  “Listen, dude, I've played Dungeons and Dragons for the better part of a decade. I've run at least a dozen wizards...not a single Harry amongst them.”

  “This is irrelevant!” he growled back.

  “Zoltar the Arcane...now there was a name for a wizard. And let's not forget about my fifteenth level gnome mage, Professor Blastingus...”

  “ENOUGH!” roared Decker. “I tire of your games, vampire.”

  “There was also Magnifico the Merciless, although I'm not so proud of that one...”

  I was stopped as Harry grabbed me by the chin and moved his face to within inches of mine. “Do you want to know why you are going to die, or not?”

  “Sure, as long as you pop a breath mint first.” This was going swimmingly...at least as long as he didn't follow through with the killing me part.

  “Six months ago, the portents all spoke of your coming.” He backed up and began ranting. “The return of the vampire Freewills, who so long ago were wiped from the earth.”

  “Wiped?”

  “Yes. They didn't just disappear in a puff of smoke...or did you think that they had?”

  “Well...” I said. Actually, I had never bothered to wonder. Now that he mentioned it, I guess immortals wouldn't just normally disappear unless something happened to them.

  “What the portents did not tell us was that the reborn Freewill would be so...unimpressive,” he continued.

  “You apparently haven't seen Bill in action,” commented Sally. Hard to tell if she was complimenting me or agreeing with him.

  He ignored her and went on. “All of our divinings pointed to you, but we couldn't be sure. We couldn't risk warfare with the vampires over a nobody. Thus we have been watching you, waiting for confirmation.”

  “So you took a job at my place just to keep tabs on me?”

  “Yes. Although the sign-on bonus wasn't half bad either,” he replied. Asshole just had to rub it in. “However, I needn't have bothered. If I had known how readily your friend here would spill his guts in exchange for a little female companionship, I would have sent my protégé in sooner.”

  *sigh* Let that be a lesson to you, my male friends. Never underestimate the power of the pussy.

  He continued with his insane monologue, “Tonight only further confirmed your status...or did you think I hadn't noticed your little transformation outside of the cafe?”

  “You saw that?”

  “I see many things!” he said as what looked like an electric charge passed behind his eyes. Ooh, spooky.

  “I see things, too. For example, I saw your ass get shot down tonight,” I snarked back at him, but it was weak. The ball was back in his court.

  He continued, his grin growing wider. “Thus I saw no reason to hesitate any longer. Our legends tell that your coming heralds disaster for my people. Thus if you are erased, that future cannot come to pass.”

  “So you're saying I'm gonna kill all the wizards? You know, it'd be funny if that happened, especially considering that before tonight I had nothing against you. Hell, I didn't even know you existed.”

  “Not you, fool,” he replied.

  “Not me what?”

  “Not you! You aren't the one to bring disaster to us.”

  “But you just said...”

  “I said your coming heralds it. There's a difference!”

  “OK, I'm confused now,” I said.

  “Just now?” Sally added. “I haven't understood a word of what this whackjob has been saying for at least ten minutes.”

  “ICONS!” He yelled.

  “Huh?” I grunted.

  “Your coming foretells their return. If the Freewills shall ever return, so, too, shall the Icons of faith. It was they who decimated the magi so long ago. If they return, they shall do so again!” he raved.

  OK, I had heard of Icons. They were supposedly people of such great faith that their whole bodies became living, breathing weapons against vampires. They could turn us into french fries just by their touch; however, they were supposed to be as rare as vampires like me, maybe even more so.

  “I thought Icons fought vampires.” I said with some confusion.

  “Some did in the distant past. But then Christianity came. The vampires slunk off into the shadows before its wake and became nothing more than legends to the humans. My ancestors were not so fortunate,” he said, a little touch of mania starting to enter his voice. “Once, we were like deities to the people. We protected them against your kind and the other scourges of the night, and in return they made us their priests, their wise-men, their god kings!”

  “Let me guess,” I interrupted. “Then this little thing called the Inquisition hit.”

  “Yes!” he snarled. “That and other uprisings like it. Those who had praised us suddenly turned on us. They called us tools of Satan and suffered us not to live. We fought back and might have won if not for the zealots...the Icons...amongst them. They were able to resist our powers and drag us from our many seats of power. We were hunted almost to extinction before we, too, managed to retreat into the relative safety of legend, where we have waited ever since.”

  “So let me get this straight,” I said to Decker, “You think that my being here heralds the return of another group and that if you kill me it somehow cancels out them as well?”

  “Yes!”

  “That is one of the stupidest fucking things I think I have ever heard.”

  “How dare you...” he began.

  “No, seriously,” I interrupted. “It makes no sense. You have about the biggest, stupidest case of circular logic that I've ever seen. It's not much better than ‘a duck has two legs, I have two legs, therefore I must be a duck.’ Think about it! I'll wait. You are in marketing, after all.”

  “I did not expect you to understand. You are not even a man anymore; just an animal. What did you think that woman would ever see in you? She could no more love you than she could a beast,” he sneered.

  Ooh, that was low. I didn't want to do this, but now it was time to get nasty.

  I tensed up and blurted out, “Wingardium Leviosa!” (What!? Hasn’t everyone read those books by now?)

  “What?” he spat.

  “Accio...err, asskicking?” I replied.

  “Cut that out!”

  I threw in a bad English accent to top things off. “Or what, you'll make me drink polyjuice potion?”

  “I'll kill you right now.”

  “Oh no! Avada Kedavra...ugh!” I said, rolling my head back and playing dead.

  “I do not find this amusing.”

  I lifted my head and shouted, “Stupefy! Oh wait, too late. Guess someone got you with that one already.”

  “ENOUGH!!” he screamed and threw up his hands. There was an electric jolt through the air, and suddenly I found myself flying back. I slammed into the wall and went down in a heap. I pretty much felt like I had just been put through a microwave, but a quick tense of my muscles confirmed that whatever he had just done had also broken his little containment spell.

  I stood up and turned to face him and his little bitch of a witch, too.

  I had no idea what the hell to do against them, but that didn't stop me from throwing them a grin of my own and saying, “Here I am, assholes. Rock you like a hurricane!”

  And that's when the front door blew off its hinges.

  Random Monster Encounter

  Well, even if that line did sound lame, the follow through was pretty damn badass. Pity it wasn’t mine. Unfortunately, there was also nothing about it that boded well for me. Decker and his bullshit had hit at exactly the wrong
time in my life. Yeah, OK, there probably wasn't actually a right time for a coven of witches to come along and declare that you needed to die so that they could go on frolicking naked in the woods during the full moon; however, I especially didn't need this crap right now, since it served to distract me from the assassins that were on a mission to turn my skull into an ashtray. I had been so preoccupied with Decker's loony ramblings that I had forgotten we were stuck in the loft, a place the assassins already had a heads-up about (just ask Dusk Reaper).

  The front door, despite being a heavy duty security door, literally flew off its hinges and went slamming into the far wall. If anyone had been standing behind it, they would have been pancaked. Nergui stood in the doorway, flanked by his two death-dealing flunkies, Bang (damn, that name never stopped being funny!) and Cheng-gong.

  “Give us the princess, and your death will be painless,” Nergui said to me, ignoring the others in the room.

  The odds were pretty skewed against me, no matter how you looked at them. Three assassins and two mages on team 'Fuck Up Bill's Day' versus just three allies on my side, all of whom were either restrained, unconscious, or both.

  Fortunately, that whole the enemy of my enemy is my friend thing is mostly bullshit. Decker's ego was too big to allow the three bruisers at the door to do his dirty work for him. “The Freewill is mine, vampire filth!” he yelled, bringing his hands up in a defensive gesture. Christy did likewise. Bunch of idiots. If Nergui killed me, then their insane little problem would be solved. Not that I was complaining if they wanted to fight it out, mind you. Still, what a pack of morons.

  “His life is ours...” Nergui gave a sniff of the air and spat out, “maapamba. Leave now, and you will live.” He and his three companions stepped into the room. They unsheathed nasty looking daggers, silver daggers.

  I stepped back, not wanting any part of the sharp objects being brandished at me. “Sorry, Harry,” I said to Decker. “They've got dibs. Good for you because I'm afraid of them. You...not so much.”

  “Then I shall teach you fear, beast!” he snarled, pretty much right on cue. I tell you, some people are just no challenge.

  Decker and Christy both murmured something unintelligible and gestured again. What can best be described as a distortion in the air appeared in front of them and then rushed forward to slam into my three would-be killers.

  It looked impressive, like something right out of Hollywood, but it more or less did dick. The three vampires were pushed back and slammed into the wall, but none lost their footing. I don't think Harry was quite prepared for three elder vampire warriors. Guess he was still a first year at Hogwarts. Maybe he and Christy should go back to practicing their card tricks.

  Though no damage appeared to be done, Decker was at least proving to be a distraction for the vamps. Nergui turned to Cheng-gong and gave a nod. Cheng threw his dagger. It landed hilt-deep in the floor at Decker's feet.

  “That will be the only warning,” Nergui said to him.

  Decker glared at Nergui, a look of madness in his eyes. He did not like being casually dismissed, not one bit. He actually started to glow. It started out as a dim white light but quickly turned an angry red.

  What happened next happened fast.

  * * *

  Nergui barked something, and Bang let loose with his dagger in my direction. However, right before the knife left his hand, Harry Decker let loose with...well, whatever he let loose with. The red glow leapt from him across the room, directly at Nergui. Cheng-gong uttered a shout of warning and dove in front of Nergui. The blast hit him full on.

  The backlash of it ruined Bang's aim. The dagger slammed into the wall not an inch from my face, close enough so that I felt the air it displaced as it flew by. I'd like to tell you that I just stood there rooted to the spot, an arrogant sneer on my face at the pathetic failed attack on me. The first part was true at least. I was rooted to the spot, all right; however, the only thing that kept me from screaming and cowering like a little girl was the spectacle of what happened to Cheng.

  Decker's attack enveloped him in the red glow, and Cheng exploded in a shower of sparks and dust. Holy shit, Decker had game after all. I never thought I would be happy that a bunch of assassins had burst in to try to kill me. I had no qualms about admitting that whatever Decker had done to Cheng would have likewise left me little more than dust in the wind.

  This was turning serious. Unfortunately, it was almost over, too. The glow left Decker, and he collapsed to the ground with a glazed look in his eye. Guess he had blown his load with that last attack. I'd keep that in mind for later...if there was a later. He had some nasty guns, but apparently limited ammunition. Good to know. If I could figure out a way to keep him from blasting me to ash on the first try, I’d be set.

  He was no longer the problem, at least not until his batteries recharged; however, that still left two ancient vampires with a hard-on for some killing. Still, two was better than three. After this was all said and done, maybe I'd send a fruit basket to Harry's office. Or maybe that should be a funeral wreath instead, as he now had Nergui and Bang's full attention. That's the thing with teams. You somehow manage to kill Howling Mad Murdock, and you’ve still got Face, Hannibal, and BA Baracus to deal with. Both assassins faced the dazed wizard and hissed through their fangs. This was not going to be pretty.

  Speaking of pretty, a gorgeous blonde projectile suddenly slammed into Nergui and Bang, taking them off of their feet. Way to go, Sally! The wonder twins’ concentration on her bonds must have faltered as the battle started. Sally could have probably easily dispatched both of them; however, she wasn't stupid. She knew who the bigger threat here was.

  As the three vampires went down in a heap, I heard Decker's voice wheeze, “This isn't finished, Freewill! (yeah yeah, haven't heard that one before) Get us out of here!”

  Christy started to repeat the same movements she had made back when she dismissed Gan. Before she could finish, though, I locked eyes with her. “Take them with you...please,” I said in a pleading voice. She gave me a hard look back, but then her gaze softened and she looked away. A moment later her, Decker and my two bound roommates disappeared from the room. Thank God. Who knows, maybe she actually had some real feelings for Tom (for whatever insane reason). More likely, she knew that two helpless humans in the room stood absolutely no chance of surviving. Whatever the reason, my roommates were out of here at least. The only potential problem was if they all went back to my apartment. A very angry Gan might be there waiting for them. However, there was no time to worry about that now. I had to be content with hoping for the best.

  I ran to the pile of tangled vampires just as Nergui flung Sally off him. Bang had still not made it back to his feet, so I, in classic unsportsmanlike manner, kicked him in the face while he was still down. It was a solid connect, and he went flying, but I had no illusions that my strength was anywhere close to what was needed to make him stay down. Then again, maybe I could do something about that.

  * * *

  I bared my fangs and leapt at Bang. One bite, and I could maybe even the odds a little in this battle. However, unlike my previous fights, I was up against opponents who knew full well what I was capable of. Nergui reached out while I was in mid-leap, grabbed my foot, and swung me so that I flew across the room.

  “We know your tricks, Freewill. They will not work on us.”

  Well, isn't that just dandy...OOF!! I thought, slamming into a coffee table.

  Having taken my fair share of throws in the past several months, I was able to roll with it a bit and get back on my feet in another second.

  “I don't suppose the Khan would like to just, you know, discuss this?” I asked them. Bang was back up and standing at Nergui's side. They both faced me. “I mean, this is really just a big misunderstanding. I wasn't even supposed to go to China.” Yeah, I was babbling, and yes, I figured it was a long shot. However, it was also a distraction.

  Sally was also on her feet again and once more going for Nerg
ui's blindside; however, you don't get to become a three-hundred-and-fifty-year-old assassin by being a dumbass. What we were doing was no doubt the oldest trick in their book.

  As Sally threw a right cross at him, he turned and casually caught her by the arm. In one quick flick, he brought the dagger in his other hand up and severed Sally's hand at the wrist.

  Before her newly unattached appendage could hit the floor or either of us could even scream, Nergui flung her towards me.

  “SALLY!!” I finally yelled just as she landed at my feet. Oh God, this wasn't good. I dropped to my knees to help her but wasn't sure what I could do. Her arm was spurting blood all over the place. She made a pained whimper but appeared to be in too much shock to even scream.