Swords and Sorcerers
We got ourselves cleaned up and presentable for walking the streets. In an odd bit of vanity, Sally found a pair of gloves and went about stuffing one with newspaper and then fitting it over her stump.
“That doesn't even remotely look real,” I pointed out. “Looks like something you'd stick onto a Halloween dummy.”
“You would know all about dummies, I guess. Besides, it doesn't need to pass Army inspection. However, there are people around here who see us coming and going all the time. One or two of the nosier ones might notice I had a hand yesterday, don't have one today - but voila, magically have one again soon enough.”
I consider myself pretty smart, but Sally, ex-stripper or not, sometimes made me feel a teensy bit inadequate by how she always seemed to be thinking on her feet. Should our relationship ever turn sour, I'd be wise not to underestimate her. Oh, who was I kidding!? If our relationship ever even looked like it was going to go bad, I'd be smart to stake her, leave her ashes in the sunlight, and then burn them when I was finished. Some enemies you just needed to take a nuke it from orbit attitude...it was the only way to be sure.
But Sally and I had all of eternity to plot against each other. For now, I was eager to get back to my apartment. Once I was sure she was OK and that the immediate danger was over, the fate of my roommates began to weigh heavily on my mind. I just hoped that Decker didn't have any thoughts as to taking his revenge against me out on them. There was also Gan to consider. If she got hungry enough, she wouldn't hesitate to notice the two walking refreshment stands sauntering around my apartment.
Once the sun was just barely down low enough for us to venture out safely, we made our move. No point in sitting around waiting to be picked off. We had taken plenty of time to lick our wounds (sadly, Sally wasn't too keen on me licking anything of hers, though), and that meant the assassins had probably done so as well. A new night meant the combatants would all be ready for action again.
We stuck to the underground as much as we could, but this time we used the subways themselves so as to stay with the crowds. Rush hour turned out to be a blessing for once; even had we been tracked, there were simply too many people milling about to make a move against us.
Once we were back in Brooklyn, I had Sally keep an eye out for Nergui and Bang. Her senses weren't nearly as acute as Gan's, but they were still better than mine. I wanted as much warning as possible in case we found ourselves walking into a situation. It turns out we did, just not one that I had expected.
* * *
We made it to my building, and I let us in. After climbing the stairs, we stopped outside of my door. I could hear voices coming from inside. I turned to Sally. “Smell any vamps?” She shook her head. “Smell any wizards?”
“I didn't the first time,” she said and shrugged.
Oh well. I guess there are less manly ways to be dispatched than via a twentieth level chain lightning spell, I thought as I unlocked and opened the door.
“I'm telling you, Glamdring has the better feats,” carried a voice from the living room, Ed's.
“Dude, Narsil is the sword of legend. It fucked up Sauron's shit,” responded Tom's voice.
“Yeah, and the piece of crap broke apart doing so,” Ed said as we entered.
The living room was a bit out of place, as if a mess had been made and then hastily cleaned up; however, otherwise it looked fairly normal. Tom was sitting on the couch, and Ed was sitting off in a chair. Neither seemed particularly dead.
“What's up, Bill!” said Tom, turning to us. “Sally, always a pleasure,” he said with a wink. Sally couldn't help herself and eye-rolled him back. Must be instinctive for her at this point. “Maybe you can settle a debate. Ed and I are discussing which sword from Lord of the Rings was the most badass. I'm siding with the correct answer: Narsil.”
“And you're a fucking retard for doing so,” replied Ed. “Glamdring was Gandalf's sword...you know, the guy that even the Balrog couldn't snuff. Besides, think of what its name means...Foe Hammer. Tell me that's not the most badass thing in the world. Shit, if I ever start a death metal band, that’s what I'm gonna call it: Foe Hammer.”
“I will admit that could be a pretty good band name, despite your poor judgment of swords. Any thoughts on this, Bill?”
I was pretty much still stunned by the normalcy (relatively speaking) of it all, but I managed to squeak out, “I always kind of liked Sting.”
“You are such a fag,” responded Tom in a dry voice before turning back to Ed.
“What do you think?” I whispered to Sally.
“I think I would be less embarrassed for them if we had found them skinned alive,” she replied. It was a loaded question, and I should have expected a response like that.
“Um, guys,” I said, trying to get their attention. Normally, I'd be more than up for a little weapon porn debate, but there was more than one game afoot, and I didn't want to get caught with my pants down again. “So what's going on?” I continued.
“It's called a conversation,” answered Ed.
“No, stupid,” I said. “I mean, last night, this morning. You know, what happened today?”
They both looked at each other with a bit of a confused glance and then back towards me. Tom finally broke the silence.
“Did we have a party or something last night?”
“A party?”
“Yeah, because I woke up on the floor, feeling like shit. The place was pretty trashed, too.”
“Same here,” commented Ed. “It must have been a good one because I don't remember anything much past yesterday afternoon.”
“Alright, enough of this beating around the bush,” said Sally, stepping in front of me. “Is Gan here?”
“What's a Gan?” asked Tom.
“She better not be,” growled Ed. “Bill, I thought you were gonna drop Frankenstein's daughter off with the coven.”
“Well...” I started, but Sally cut me off.
“What about the wizard?”
“Now I have no idea what you're talking about,” replied Ed.
“Oh yeah!” Tom suddenly said. “Thanks for reminding me, Sally. Bill, there's something I wanted to tell you about Christy.”
A look of murder appeared in Sally’s eyes. She walked up to Tom and grabbed him by the shirt collar with her good hand. She pulled him to his feet and then some. I noticed his toes were just barely touching the floor as she growled at him, “Let me take a wild guess! She's a witch...and, oh yeah, you also just happened to spill the beans on Bill while you were getting your rocks off! Am I right!?”
Tom’s face was a mask of both surprise and a little terror, but he still managed to answer, “Wow. Good guess.”
She dropped him onto the couch like a sack of potatoes.
There was silence in the room for a moment, and then Ed responded, “Having a bit of a day, are we?”
Sally turned towards him. She lifted her right arm and pulled off the glove. “You could say that.”
* * *
“Holy shit! What happened!?” Ed said, bolting to his feet.
Sally sarcastically spat in response, “A friend needed a hand, so I loaned them mine. What do you think happened!?”
“Seriously. Sit down. Does it hurt? Can I get you anything?” Ed continued, showing some genuine concern. I had almost forgotten that just a few days ago, he had been out on a date with Sally.
“I'm fine,” she replied, blowing off his entreaties to help. “Don't worry. It'll grow back.”
“It will?”
“You can do that?” Tom asked, turning to me.
“If you even think about trying to snip something off me, I will do the same to you,” I said in a warning tone. I tolerated a lot from them as it were. No way was I planning on letting them lop off a finger just to see what would happen. “Besides, that isn't important right now.” I caught a glare from Sally. “Of course it's important! I just mean we have other stuff to discuss right now.”
“This seems pretty big to me, Bill,” Ed said. “What else do we need to know about?”
“How does a vampire vs. wizard grudge match sound? The funny thing is, you guys had ringside seats and don't even know it.”
Sally and I filled them in, starting with our adventure the previous night. Ed seemed both amazed by the story and a little pissed that he couldn't remember it. He seemed more upset by that little detail than by the fact that Tom's girlfriend had screwed with his head. It was a bit twisted, but I guess I could understand that. When Godzilla throws down with Rodan, you want to remember that shit.
Tom, on the other hand, seemed more concerned with the fact that his girlfriend had actually saved them in the end. Who knows, maybe there was actually something there. Although I had to temper his questions by continually reminding him that she had put the whammy on us under the pretense of luring me to my death. I wasn't exactly an expert in these things, but even I knew something like that wasn't exactly a building block for a healthy relationship.
“Maybe it was a misunderstanding,” he offered.
“When someone says, 'And now you must die, Freewill', it doesn't leave it open to much interpretation.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” he finally admitted. “I'm thinking she and I need to sit down and have a long talk about things.”
“Talk!?” Sally snapped. “Are you that desperate for a piece of ass that you're actually considering having a little sit-down over lunch to discuss things with the same psycho witch who tried to kill your best friend last night!?”
“Do you really want to know the answer to that?” Ed asked her before turning to me. “And this Decker dude? He was actually dating your wannabe lady friend just to mess with you?”
“Yep.”
“That's cold, man. Bet you wished you had let Gan gut the sucker.”
“I don't know,” I replied. “Maybe. But the whole thing is like a slippery slope. What if he had just been some normal dude out on a date?”
“If pigs had wings, they'd be eagles,” Ed answered.
“All's fair in love and war,” was Tom's response. Damn, my roommates just weren't being helpful at all. If I listened to their advice, I'd be Jack the Ripper within a week. Who'da thought Sally's would have been the voice of sanity amongst us all? Oh well, best not to dwell on it too much now. That way leads to madness.
“OK,” I said, trying to get us back on track. “You know what happened to us...sorta. I'm still not sure what went down after Sally got turned into a southpaw. But that's not important right now. What I'm curious about is what the hell happened to you two?”
Ed answered, “Like we said. No idea. We woke up with no memory of any of that. Gotta be honest, I'm still not one-hundred percent convinced that you and Sally aren't screwing with our heads just for the hell of it.” Sally glared at him, showing him a little fang in the process. “Don't get me wrong! I believe you. It's just weird.”
“Yeah,” Tom agreed. “We woke up, and there was nobody else here. No vampire toddler, no wizards, nothing. Stuff was out of place, but it's not like back when Jeff trashed the place. Didn't look like there was a fight or anything. Although, there was one weird thing...”
“What?”
“Someone left us a new Playstation.”
* * *
Tom's revelation did give us something to check. The games I had bought were all there, but the bags of clothing for Gan were missing. She had been here after all, although when she left and in what condition were still up for debate. I assumed she hadn't waited in ambush for Decker and Christy...there would have been blood splattered about, a lot of it probably, if that had happened. I hoped that the reverse didn't occur and they managed to take her out of the equation. My fondness for Gan was limited, but seeing her become a casualty in a war she had nothing to do with wasn't what I wanted either.
“So what's the plan?” Tom finally asked.
“Gan is priority number one. We need to find her.”
“Nice to see you care for the little hellion,” quipped Ed.
“I care more about the damage she can do if she's not contained. As far as she's concerned, there are over eighteen million walking snacks in this city.”
“Let's not forget that she's probably pissed to all hell,” added Sally. “Those wizards did a job on her and then casually dismissed her. If that's not a mindset to put someone with the emotional stability of a preteen into rampage mode, I don't know what is.”
“Almost forgot about that. If it were me, I'd probably be hunting those fuckers down right now.”
“And she could do it, too,” Sally continued. “Don't forget how easily she found you, Bill.”
“Gives us a place to start, at least,” I concluded. “Tom, give me Christy's address. We'll check there first.”
“You're not going to hurt her are you?” he asked after some hesitation.
“We'll try not to.” I looked at Sally. “Won't we? Seriously, Tom, she's not my favorite person on the planet right now but, when push came to shove, she got you and Ed out of danger. I promise I’ll try to give her the benefit of the doubt.”
“Maybe I should come, too?” he added.
“No!” spat out Sally. That wasn't too surprising. I knew that Tom drove her bugshit with his incessant comments; however, she was right this time.
“Sally's got a point. We're gonna need to move fast. This isn't like last time, when we knew where shit was going down,” I said.
“How about this?” chimed Ed. “If you find out in advance where the action will be, you call us in.”
I wanted to say no, but Sally interrupted me. “You still have that popgun?” she asked, no doubt referring to Ed's twelve-gauge.
“You bet.”
“Then if we have enough warning, you're in.” I gave her a disbelieving look when she said that, but before I could open my mouth, she answered my unspoken question. “Don't give me that look. I'm not an idiot. Backup is backup, and as much as I hate to admit it, they helped just as much against Jeff as I did.” Tom opened his mouth to speak, but Sally help up her hand to his face. “Doesn't mean I like it, though.”
I jumped in before this turned into either a hug-fest or a homicide scene. “Ed, while we're doing that, can you find out Harry Decker's address?”
“What if he's not listed?”
“Call HR. They'll have him on file. Besides, Barbara there likes you. Lay on the sweet talk, and I'm sure she'll give you whatever you want.”
“Barb the beast?” he replied with a look of horror. Barbara was the HR admin for our office. She was a sweetheart, but not exactly the easiest thing on the eyes.
“We must all make our sacrifices,” I said with a solemn voice, which earned me a chuckle from Sally and a stare of death from Ed. I just hoped that his look was the deadliest thing I would be facing tonight. None of us had spoken about it, but we still knew the assassins were out there waiting for us.
Two Mongolian assassins, a revenge-bent vampire princess dressed in expensive schoolgirl clothing, and a couple of wacked out magic users trying to fulfill an insane prophesy...damn, it was gonna be a long night.
Working Hard or Hardly Working
Christy's was our first stop. That was easy enough. As it turned out, she lived only a mile or so away from my place, a convenient location for Tom's girlfriend. Too bad she had to go and spoil it by being a backstabbing harpy. Oh well; nobody's perfect, I guess.
We easily made it past the front door security for her building. This was one of Sally's specialties. When you looked like she did, doors were opened for you...literally. We went up to Christy's floor and walked to her door. I then did the only obvious thing I could think of: I knocked.
“Step aside, idiot,” Sally said. She gripped the doorknob with her left hand and started turning it. As the tumblers hit their limits, she kept putting on the pressure until the whole apparatus started groaning under the strain.
“Hold on a second,” I said to her. “What if she has, I don't k
now, wards or stuff?”
“Wards?”
“Yeah. You know: circles of protection, explosive runes, that type of shit. I used that crap all the time in my game to keep thieves and the rest of the party away from my gold.”
“I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. I don't speak dork.”
“Fine. Be my guest.” I made an after-you gesture to her and then backed several steps down the hall. If this thing opened up a fiery gateway to Hell, then at least I'd live long enough to shout, “I told you so!”
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