Scary Dead Things - 02

by Rick Gualtieri

  The lock cracked and...*KABOOM!!!* Well, in my mind it did anyway, and let's face facts: if this were a game being run by my usual Dungeon Master, Dave, Sally would now probably be thoroughly ventilated; however, instead there was nothing. Real world mages are rapidly starting to disappoint me, I thought as the door just swung open.

  Sally pushed it open all the way and then stepped through the doorway. She had no more than put her foot down when suddenly the door flew back at her face as if Conan the Barbarian had just decided to slam it shut. It crashed into her, and she went flying back into the opposite wall as the door clicked itself back shut again. On second thought, I felt my opinion of real world witches rise back up a notch again.

  Sally was dazed but didn't seem to be otherwise worse for the wear. Thus, I didn't see any reason to fight my mind's compulsion to stroll back up to her and say, “Told ya so.”

  * * *

  Turns out that Christy wasn't home anyway. This didn't surprise me too much. I had considered it a long shot. If anything was going down tonight, chances are it would be in Manhattan. That was where my coven was headquartered. That was where the assassins were hunting. That was where all of last night's shit had gone down. Thus, I wasn't all too surprised to find us on a train heading back there. During most of the trip, I couldn't help but notice that Sally kept reaching inside her purse to stroke the enormous handgun within, all the while chanting, “Fucking witches!” It was an effort, but I somehow kept myself from grinning the entire time.

  It turned out our timing was good. We had just gotten out of the subway, close by coven territory, when my cell phone rang. It was Ed.

  “I’ve got Decker's home address for you.”

  “Good job!” I replied. Ed gave it to me. He had a place in a building on the Upper West Side. I knew the area: monthly rents higher than most mortgage payments, twenty-four hour door service, and mostly home to executives, high paid professionals, and other assorted yuppie scum. It didn't surprise me in the least. I don't care what kind of dark wizard he thought he was, at the end of the day he was just another asshole corporate suit that more or less contributed nothing to society other than making the lives of people like me more difficult.

  “You owe me,” grumbled Ed.

  “What happened?” I asked into the phone.

  “I have to take Barbara out to lunch sometime this week.”

  “Aw, but you make such a cute couple.”

  Ed grumbled something back that would have made me blush had I been a good, God-fearing family man.

  Sally, overhearing most of the conversation thanks to her vampire ears, said, “Tell him I'll make it up to him.”

  “What was that?” Ed asked back.

  “Sally said she'll send flowers to your wedding,” I replied and hung up.

  “That was mean,” she commented. “As I said before, you're obviously jealous.”

  “Nonsense,” I replied. “I just believe Ed should stick to dating his own species.”

  “Oh. Then what about you and that girl you're still pining for?”

  “That's different.”

  “How so?”

  “What was that you were saying earlier...something about double standards?”

  * * *

  It turns out we didn't need to go all the way uptown. That was good. Too much smarm there for my personal tastes anyway.

  We were walking towards another subway stop, passing through a section of midtown that was very familiar to me, when Sally suddenly sniffed the air and then stopped. “Gan's close,” she said and pointed towards the various rooftops. “Up there somewhere.”

  I didn't really need to look. I knew where we were. Despite my doctor's note proclaiming my medical condition, I once more found myself back at work. Just great! Of all the places to have a potential showdown, it just had to be at the one where I could get reamed out for it by HR.

  “Any idea where she is specifically?” I asked, mostly knowing what the answer would be.

  “It's not like using a GPS,” Sally complained. “I can sense that's she's close, which probably means she can sense us if she decides to try. If I had to guess, from what she did yesterday I'd say on top of one of these buildings.” Of course, saying something like that in the middle of Manhattan was the equivalent of tracking an animal through the forest when the only clue you had was that it was 'near a tree'.

  “OK, then let's not worry about finding her. She’ll come to us.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I know where Decker is.”

  “How?” she asked.

  “Because we both work right over there,” I said, pointing across the street towards one of the buildings. “Welcome to my job, Sally. Please don't do anything to get me fired.”

  Sally just eye-rolled me. “Are you kidding? You walk in with me on your arm, and they’ll probably give you a promotion.” Yep, that's Sally. Humble as ever.

  “I guess we should go up. If Gan is here, that means Decker's probably in his office. I know where that is.”

  “And what exactly are we going to do once we get there?”

  “No idea. Maybe steal some office supplies?” I caught a glare for that. “Sorry. The good thing is that at this time of night, the place is going to be nearly deserted. Come five-thirty, if you're standing by the front doors you're liable to get trampled. The only people who are gonna be here at this hour are workaholics...”

  “And wizards?” she finished.

  “Apparently.”

  “So again I ask, what's the plan?”

  “Make it up as we go along and hope for the best?” I offered.

  “You must have been Napoleon in a former life to come up with that kind of strategy. Oh well, who wants to live forever?”

  “Actually, I wouldn't mind it,” I replied.

  “You? Every minute that goes by without you getting dusted is utterly amazing to me.”

  * * *

  We took the stairs. Yeah it's a pretty hefty walk up, but we decided the elevators were too risky. On the off chance that Decker somehow knew we were coming, I didn't want our bold plan to immediately end with “and they went plunging downward, screaming towards their deaths” before we even saw the guy. Fortunately, the stairs weren’t really an issue. Vampire stamina is pretty damn good, after all (despite whatever lies Gan might have said).

  “Once we get in, I'll go to his office. I want you to walk around and see if you can get rid of any stragglers.”

  “Snapping their necks would be fastest.”

  “Not funny,” I replied. “Unless you come across Carl in project management...then it might be a little funny. Just use your feminine wiles. Chances are, most of the people still here are guys. Trust me when I say a little T&A would probably motivate them to fly down the stairs.”

  “That's all I am to you, just a piece of meat,” she sighed.

  “Not at all. Without you around, who else would I rely on to piss away the coven's money?”

  “Flatterer,” she replied and then quieted down again as I used my employee ID to let us in.

  Nothing and no one greeted us upon entering. I was correct about the ghost-town nature of the place at this time of night. I sent Sally off to the right to do as I had asked, and then I walked straight towards Executive Row, where I knew Decker's office was. Part of my plan for Sally was to legitimately make sure there were no bystanders around. If the office turned into a battlefield, I didn't want any non-combatants to worry about. The other part was a contingency in case Decker was waiting for us. If so, he wouldn't get both myself and Sally with the first salvo. Not the best of plans. Then again, Decker hadn't exactly shown himself to be a strategic genius either so far. Thus, I hoped our mutual ineptitudes would cancel each other out.

  I got to his office and heard voices coming from within. It seemed he wasn't alone. It was possible that Christy was with him. Both of them had proven to have limited endurance in battle (although more than enough to take out a vamp), but if they were togethe
r that could definitely tip the odds in their favor.

  I put my ear to the door to listen.

  “...can't put that out there. Yes Stefan, I know those are market rates, but I want some banners thrown in with that print ad.”

  Jesus Christ! All of that build up in my mind, and the fucker was just on a conference call. Oh, screw this! I opened his door, walked in, and plopped myself into one of the empty seats in front of his desk.

  The party on the other line kept blathering on about print quality issues. Decker, on the other hand, just stared at me, obvious surprise on his face. Finally, never taking his eyes off me, he said, “Sorry, Stefan. I'll need to call you back tomorrow. The CEO just buzzed me on the other line, have to take it.” He reached over and disconnected the call.

  “Hey, Harry,” I said casually. “Burning the old midnight oil?”

  “Someone here has to get the job done,” he said with a guarded tone.

  “Judging from last night, that obviously isn't you.”

  “Seems to be a lot of that going on,” he drolled. “I'm surprised to see you. Those fellows who interrupted our chat looked a little out of your league.”

  “Nothing I couldn't handle,” I lied.

  “Let me guess: you ran like a little girl?”

  “A lot of that going around, too,” I shot back

  “I suppose you're here to finish what we started. If so, you should know I'm not prepared for battle. It would be cold-blooded murder.”

  “What's a little murder amongst friends?” I quipped. “But sadly, no. You're not gonna believe this. Shit, I don't believe it. But for the second time in as many days, I'm actually trying to save your life.”

  He started to open his mouth to respond, but that's when his office window exploded.

  A View to Die For

  The shattering glass would have muffled the soft *THFFT* noise that accompanied the shot; however, it was audible to my enhanced undead hearing. Even had it not been, I probably would have still noticed the arrow sticking out of my shoulder. Even had I been too preoccupied to notice the arrow, I would have definitely noticed the silver arrowhead which was even now causing sparks to shoot from the wound in my arm. Goddamned assassins! Oh yeah, and also, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!”

  I was knocked backwards off the chair by the force of the impact. I was luckier than I had any reason to be. The glass on office buildings is pretty damn tough compared to your normal pane of house glass. I was betting the assassins hadn't known that when they shot at me. The glass had still given way against the projectile, but the course had been altered just enough so that Harry Decker wasn't sitting there having a meaningful conversation with a pile of ashes.

  After the initial flurry of glass shards washed over him, Decker dove over the desk and crouched down beneath, using it as cover. He wasn't entirely stupid. He had killed one of Nergui's buddies. He wasn't their prime target, but it didn't take a genius to figure out that they probably wouldn't bat an eye over making him into collateral damage.

  “You led them here, vampire!” he hissed at me while I was busy writhing in excruciating pain.

  I gritted my teeth and said back, “Yeah, but you’re the one who pissed them off.” I grabbed the arrow and finally tore it free from my smoldering shoulder. If you're thinking that doing so probably hurt enough to make me wish I hadn't been born, you're correct. Hell, it hurt enough to make me wish that my parents hadn't been born. No wonder, the fucking thing was barbed. I now had a large, blood-spouting hole gouged into my shoulder that wouldn't be healing shut anytime soon. Oh yeah, this was going well.

  I was busy trying to get my feet under me - and not cry like a little baby while doing so - when I heard another window explode. This one was followed by what can best be described as cannon fire...Sally! Oh boy, no way was I not getting a pink-slip after this one.

  But best to worry about unemployment later, like maybe when I wasn’t in danger of becoming someone's hunting trophy. I took advantage of Sally's cover fire to crawl back into the main office. There was bound to be less chance of arrow-related incidents in there.

  Despite my better judgment, I gestured for Decker to follow. He did, and together we ran to put at least one wall between us and that side of the building.

  “Truce for now?” he suggested.

  “Is there any chance of you pulling a Dr. Evil and stabbing me in the back?”

  “I leave open the possibility,” he replied. Hey, at least he was honest about it.

  “Fair enough,” I answered. “I don't suppose your protégé is around to provide us with any backup?”

  “She has a cooking class tonight.”

  “Let me guess. Double double, toil and trouble?”

  “French cuisine, actually.”

  I was going to respond with something appropriately pithy, but the whole loss of blood thing was starting to make me a bit light-headed. Fortunately, Sally saved me from my embarrassing lack of one-liners.

  “We need to go. They're coming.” As if in affirmation to her statement, there was the sound of more glass shattering. Sounded like maybe a floor or two below us.

  “Jeez. What did they do, jump across?” I asked.

  “Duh! It's faster than the elevator,” she replied. “They'll be here in a few. I suggest we get going.” She noticed my shoulder. “Can you run?”

  “As long as I don't try any handstands.”

  “I have a better idea,” suddenly chimed Decker. “Why don't you two provide a distraction to cover my escape?”

  Before either of us could respond, there was a flash of light that sent me and Sally flying.

  Oh well, he did warn me.

  * * *

  Sally was kind enough to break my fall with her...soft parts. Just in case you were curious, yes they are real, and they feel wonderful. What felt less wonderful was when she rudely shoved me off, but guess I can't fault her for that.

  “Were we really both stupid enough to turn our backs on him?” she growled as she got to her feet.

  “Yes. But at least we did it as a team,” I said, being a glass-is-half-full kind of guy.

  “Maybe we should just let Nergui finish us off,” she commented with an eye-roll.

  “Screw that! If I'm going down, I'm taking Lord fucking Voldemort with me.” I got to my feet and started for the stairwell. “Time to put on my wizard-stomping boots.”

  “Up?”

  “I'm pretty sure Harry didn't suddenly grow a pair and go down to meet them head on, so yes. Up it is. At least we can die with a good view.”

  “Speak for yourself. All I have is you to look at,” she replied, opening the exit door and starting up.

  Decker's footsteps could be heard above us. There weren't too many floors left in the building, so that meant he was probably headed for the roof. From below us, we could hear muffled Chinese voices coming up quickly. We were definitely the meat in this asshole sandwich.

  “Give me the gun, Sally,” I said. “Just do it, don't argue!” She paused for just a second, but then handed it to me. My shoulder hurt like a motherfucker, and blood was still pouring out of it, but at least I still had two hands with which to line up and take a shot. Sure, I had never fired a real gun before in my life, but I used to play a lot of Duck Hunt on my old NES. How much harder could it be?

  “Go and catch Decker. I'll try to slow down Nergui and Bang,” I told her.

  “The safety's still on, genius,” she said with another eye-roll and then did as she was told. Yeah well, I'm sure I'd have figured that one out sooner or later.

  She went after Mr. Wizard while I backed up to the next landing and stood my ground. I braced my feet and held the hand-cannon out ahead of me. Yeah, I felt like Dirty Harry. “Do you feel lucky, punk?” slipped out of my lips, along with my best mean sneer.

  And that's when I saw something shiny come flying up the stairs, then turn and head right towards me. Fuck! Nobody told me they had goddamn boomerangs. It managed to slice my outer thigh before I could
dive out of the way. It embedded itself into the wall. Some sort of curved throwing blade which was, of course, also made of silver. Christ, how much precious metal did these guys have? It must have taken them forever to get through customs. These guys weren't just assassins. They were pimps, too.

  But that's OK...well OK, except for the new gash on my leg...I had some silver of my own. I stepped back into the stairwell and fired a warning shot down at them. No idea if it hit anything or not as the kickback from the gun caused it to slam up right into my face, knocking me on my ass.

  As the stun of it wore off and the ringing in my ears subsided, I tried to get back up. Damn, think I chipped a tooth. I don't recall seeing that one happen in Sudden Impact.