With the weight of having to see Ray off my shoulders, I grabbed all the bags from the back seat and went into the house, dropping them on the kitchen counter. I stopped and looked around. I felt completely depleted and just wanted my wine and my pajamas, but I still had to get wood in for the fire. I knew I should have done it this morning as snow was already starting to fall, and the cottage didn't hold the heat very well anymore. With the steady fall in the temperature outside, I knew I would need the extra warmth tonight. Once I had started the fire and put away the groceries, I took the now cold container of Chinese I had picked up for dinner and threw it in the microwave.
With food in hand, I turned on the TV to keep me company while I ate. I ran through the channels and finally found a movie to watch which started at nine. After I was done eating and had put my plate in the dishwasher, I made my way down to my bedroom to get changed. I found Missy, my cat, curled up on the end of the bed. She followed me out of the bedroom to the kitchen while I poured myself a glass of wine, dancing around my slippered feet until I got her some food which she attacked viciously.
I took my glass and the remainder of the bottle of wine with me into the living room where I curled up on the couch with a blanket and a couple of pillows while waiting for the movie to start. I glanced at the picture that sat on the end table. It was a picture of Jackson and me the last summer he had been alive. We were sitting together on a rockface, taking a rest after we had hiked through the mountains. His arms were wrapped around me, his face nuzzled into my neck. I remembered that day like it had been yesterday, yet so much had happened in the interim.
I stared at the photo, tears coming to my eyes. I knew he would be disappointed in me. Everything had changed with me, including the fact I still wasn't celebrating Christmas—it used to be my favorite time of year. The only Christmas I celebrated was at the store, the house remained bleak and undecorated. Since he had left me, I had managed to celebrate one Christmas, and that was the same Christmas Brody had left me. I picked up the frame and studied the picture.
“Man, I miss you so! Merry Christmas, Baby. I promise you this year I'll try to get a tree and perhaps begin to enjoy the season. I've been so lost without you, especially after Brody left me too. With him around, I always felt like I still had some part of you. I wish you would give me a sign to let me know I'll be okay.” The tears were rolling down my cheeks now. “Did I tell you I’ve organized a book drive at the store to help the families of the fallen firefighters in this town? I'm worried Jackson, worried things won't go well. I know what you would tell me—just put my best foot forward, and it will work out. You always said that. You always believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I know I’ve let you down, you never wanted me to give up writing, but I didn't have a choice.” I felt ridiculous sitting here talking to a photograph. I put the picture back down, wiped the tears running down my cheeks, and drank down the remainder of the wine in my glass. I grabbed the bottle from the table and poured another glass, finally turning to the sappy Hallmark Christmas movie which would certainly end with me in tears on the couch.
I was just about to head to the washroom before the movie started when I saw I had an email from my friend Rebecca, a fellow author.
Dearest Cass,
I hope this email finds you well. I know you haven't really been writing, but I wanted to reach out to you with an opportunity, anyway. A few of us have come up with an idea for an anthology, and we would love it if you would consider joining us. I will forward the details once I know you are interested. Please respond ASAP, we would love to have your name included in this project.
Rebecca
I bit my bottom lip and reread her email. Perhaps this was the boost I needed to get back out there in a world I had loved. I smiled as I typed out a quick yes and laid my phone down on the table.
I got up and ran to the washroom and grabbed a snack from the kitchen before sitting back down with my wine. I was about twenty minutes into the movie when my phone pinged with a message. I picked it up, hoping it was Rebecca with the information about this anthology but was pleasantly surprised to see Josie's name flash across my screen. I smiled to myself, I hadn't talked to Josie in a while, and I missed her.
Josie: You around?
Me: Hey! Miss you!
Josie: Me too. Don't have long to chat, I'm hiding in the bathroom but wanted to let you know Brody is here.
I almost choked on my mouthful of wine as I read her text. Brody. So, it very well could have been him at the coffee shop. My stomach did a sudden flip.
Me: What does he want?
Josie: He's looking for you. He wants to see you. Did you want me to tell him where you are?
I stared at my phone, my hand shaking. Until today, I had done my best to put him to the back of my mind because it was the only way I could move on from what had happened between us. But having heard his name twice today, after it had been so long since I had even thought about him, was making me crazy.
Josie: Are you there, Cass?
Me: Just tell him I moved. That's it. You haven't heard from me since I left.
That killed me to type, but I was still so angry and hurt after how he left. Plus, I was just starting to get on with my life here—with the store and with Ray. I guess you could say I was as happy as I could be with my new life. But if truth be told, I still had feelings for him. Feelings that would never go away. To be honest, I was afraid if I saw him, it would open everything back up, and once again, my heart would belong to him.
Josie: He really misses you.
Me: Please, Josie, just cover for me.
Josie: Okay, Cass. If you say so. I'll do my best.
Me: Thanks Josie.
I threw my phone down on the coffee table and placed my head in my hands. Missy jumped up and made herself comfortable in my lap. Petting her head, I tried to turn my attention back to the movie on the TV but found it increasingly difficult with thoughts of Brody running through my head. Sure, over the last couple of years I had gotten a few random texts from him, but I never had the heart to answer—some, I never even had the heart to read.
I got up from the couch, laying Missy off to the side and walked down to my bedroom, grabbing my memory box off the dresser, and went back to my spot on the couch. I very rarely went into the box, the memories in there too much for me to handle most days. Taking a deep breath, I opened the box. There it sat, staring up at me, my name in Brody's handwriting on the back of a wrinkled envelope. I picked up the envelope, running my thumb over it, instantly being transported back to that dreadful day.
* * *
Three years ago
I sat down and cried my heart out. I wanted to be with him, I was in love with him, but I was so afraid to get involved again. I wished he would have let me explain myself. I spent the night worrying to the point I was sick. I had sent Brody a couple of texts and even tried to call him, but every attempt ended the same—unanswered. At four, I looked out my bedroom window over at his house. His truck was gone, and the house sat in darkness. I was afraid something had happened, and he got called out to an emergency, so I sent him another text and laid back down in bed.
By ten, I was tired of being ignored, so I threw my boots on and marched across the street. We were supposed to leave for the cottage today. There was no way he could ignore me if I was standing at his front door.
I marched up the front steps and pounded hard on the door. There was no answer. I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and inserted the spare key he had given me into the lock. The door squeaked open, the house quiet.
“Brody?” I called, stepping inside.
Everything was in place. I looked out the side window and saw his truck still wasn't in the driveway. I frowned to myself but made my way into the kitchen. The pile of clean dishes that always sat in the drain pan was gone, everything had been put away.
I grabbed a piece of paper off the notepad that hung on the fridge and was just about to scribble out a note for him
when I saw an envelope with my name scribbled in his handwriting.
I frowned, picking up the envelope. I opened it and removed the piece of paper inside, a sinking feeling settling over me.
My Dearest Cass,
You're probably wondering by now where I am. I'm sorry to do this. I'm letting myself down, I'm letting Jackson down, but most importantly, I'm letting you down. It's not okay, I know. I hope you'll understand, Cass and find a way to forgive me because I will never be able to forgive myself. My feelings for you have grown, in case you hadn't noticed, and I don't know what to do about it. It's not supposed to be this way, Cass. I'm going to try to sort out these feelings and get over you so I can come back and do what Jackson's asked of me.
Love, Brody.
I could barely contain the shake running through my body, the shake and the cold of extreme stress. I needed him, more than he knew, and if he had of just talked to me or been a little more receptive last night, he might have found out I loved him too.
I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed my mom. I needed someone. As soon as I knew she was on her way, I folded the letter and held it tightly in my hand. The shaking was getting so bad, I barely trusted my legs to carry me back home, but they did, all the way back home and upstairs to bed where I spent the next few months.
* * *
To be honest, I really couldn't remember how long I had been there because I lost count. That letter had almost ended me.
With tears pouring down my cheeks, I read and reread that old crinkled letter. Crinkled because I had read it every day and night for almost a year after he had gone. But tonight, I let all of those feeling from that day come back to me. It didn't matter how long he had been gone, the feelings were still there, and they were still very raw. I picked up my phone and opened a text window to Josie. The blinking cursor flashing, I started to type and erased, again staring at that blinking cursor.
Every fiber of my being wanted to tell her to tell him where I was, to tell him to come see me, to come home and repair my heart, but I was afraid to type those words. They just wouldn't come despite how my heart felt. I wiped the tears from my eyes, put the phone back down, gently fold the crinkled old letter, placed it back in its envelope, put the envelope back into my memory box, closed the lid, and placed the little lock back on the front. Locking back up what was left of that part of my heart, or so I hoped. I poured myself another glass of wine, took a deep cleansing breath, and curled up under the warm blankets, pulling Missy close and turned what little attention I had left back to the movie.
Chapter Five
Brody
I spent the night at Bryan and Josie's. They invited the old crew over, and we spent the night drinking and laughing. I had just gotten back into Coldhaven after the long two-hour drive from Greyfield. I pulled off the highway and drove past the only local mechanic shop Coldhaven had to offer, Ray's Garage. If Cass did live around here, this would be the only place she would go for her car to be repaired. Most mechanics knew everyone in small towns. So, I pulled into the closest driveway and turned my truck around. It wouldn't be a loss because I needed to book in for an oil change and have my winter tires put on, anyway. I pulled my truck into an empty spot and shut the engine off.
Walking into the only open dock bay door, I looked around the garage. A car was up on the lift, but the shop was empty, a mess of tools laying on the nearby workbench. I wandered into the small office just off to the left. It was empty as well; a mess of papers covered the small desk. “Hello,” I called into the shop. All was quiet, but then I heard the toilet flush.
“What can I help you with?” A man stepped out from a door off to the back left of the building, wiping his hands on a dirty towel.
“I need to book an appointment to have my oil changed and my winter tires put on.”
“Sure thing.” I watched as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and started checking dates. “I can book you in a couple weeks from now, say the thirtieth.”
I nodded and put the appointment in my calendar.
“Hey, I was wondering if you could help me with something else. I'm looking for an old friend, Cass Reilly. She used to have a cottage up in this area, and I was wondering if you could tell me if she’s living in Coldhaven now?”
He took a couple steps forward, inching closer to me, his steely eyes running over me like he was sizing me up.
“Who wants to know?”
“Brody Thompson,” I said, holding my hand out for him to shake, only he didn't shake it. He just stood there studying me, not saying anything.
“Well, Brody Thompson, there is something you should know. People around these parts just don't go sharing with strangers if they know where someone is.”
“Look, she's a close friend of mine, I'd like to see her.”
“I'm sure you would, but if she were as close of a friend as you say, you would know where she was, wouldn't you? Truthfully, I'd love to help you, and if I knew anyone by that name, I might be able to, but I don't.” He looked at the crest on the breast of my jacket. “So, you work for our fire department, do you?”
“I do.”
“I know lots of guys in the department, why don't I know you?”
“I was just transferred here.”
“I see. Well, Brody, I'm sorry I couldn't help you more, but I don't know your friend, and I know everyone in this town.”
I watched him for a bit as he went back to work on the car on the lift. I had a sinking feeling he was lying to me.
“Is there anything else I can help you out with?” he grunted.
I didn't answer his question, I didn't like liars. Crossing my arms, I stood watching him for a few seconds. “I'll drop my truck off on the thirtieth.” I turned around and headed back to my truck.
I had an inkling she was living at the cottage she and Jackson had bought. I didn't want to just show up on her doorstep, but if it came down to it, I would have no choice. Regardless, I couldn't do anything about it now, I had a few days left of work and had to continue my search for an apartment. Until I found one, I would be living at the station.
* * *
Cass
I was so glad to see Ray when he walked through the back door of the store after he had closed his shop for the day. I'd been so busy, I'd barely had enough time for a quick coffee, let alone lunch. I was busy putting away my shipment of new stock when he came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
“Hey, you have anything to eat today?” he asked, kissing me on the cheek, his strong hands gripping my waist, “You're getting a little thin.”
“Yes, of course, there are still some cookies in the back, along with coffee if you want anything.”
“Cass, I swear your diet consists of nothing but cookies and coffee,” he laughed, taking the handful of books I was holding and putting them on the cart. He turned me around and pulled me into him.
“Pretty much, but if it weren't for cookies, I wouldn't have eaten today, so there is that. And I feel I should pay you somehow, lord knows you won't take money for all the time you've put in here.”
“Really, Cass, you're my girlfriend, it's not a big deal, I'd just go home to an empty house until you get home. Besides, I don't mind helping you out. Now, I’m going to go and grab a cookie and coffee before I start helping you with the next box.” He leaned down and kissed me before he headed to the kitchen.
As soon as Ray disappeared into the back, a few customers trickled in and started to browse. I busied myself helping them find what they were looking for and as soon as the last customer left the store, I immediately went back to stocking the shelves, cracking open the last box of books I had ordered.
“Oh, Cass, I meant to tell you,” Ray said, coming around the corner, carrying a mug of hot coffee. “Some guy stopped by the shop today, wondering if you lived around here.”
I frowned, swallowing hard, thinking back to last night’s message from Josie and of course, talking to Maggie.
“Really?” I hadn't told Ray about them—come to think about it, I had never mentioned Brody to Ray, at all. All he knew was I was widowed.
“Yeah, no worries though, I acted as if I didn't know you,” he winked, stuffing the last of the chocolate chip cookie in his mouth. “Now, why don't you go and have a sit-down and something other than refined sugar to eat, I can handle things out here.” He grabbed the handful of books I was holding in my hand.
“You sure?”
“Positive. Go, I'll call you if I need you.”
Grabbing my lunch from the little fridge, I sat down at the small table in the lunchroom and unwrapped the sandwich I had brought. It wasn't much, but it was something. I took a bite and grabbed my phone from my purse. I reread the texts from Josie and typed out a message to her.
Me: How did it go last night? Did he believe you?
Josie: I tried, Cass, I told him I hadn't heard from you. I'm not sure he believed me
Me: What makes you think that?
Josie: Because he said he didn't believe me.
I chuckled—such a typical Josie response.
On A Silent Night Page 3
