by Andy McNab
Blindfolded now, I was taken to another room. I sensed it was large and airy. There were bodies in there talking; the atmosphere was more subdued. I could tell by the more regulated voices that this was the Head Shed's room. It felt strangely secure. I felt I was out of danger somehow, far from the madding crowd, even though I suspected what was going to happen. Then I realized that though the people sounded more in control, if they filled me in they'd do it more professionally.
There was a strong smell of coffee, Gitanes, and cheap aftershave. I was pushed down onto a chair with a cushioned seat and high back. Part of me felt I wasn't there. My mind was going into some sort of fantasy to block it out, as if it was all a dream. I had never once considered that anything like this could happen to me. The feeling was the same as if I'd been driving a car and knocked down a child: complete and total disbelief. My mind was hearing things, but I was enclosed in my own little world. I snapped out of it and thought about trying to get their pity, or a cup of coffee or something to eat. But I wasn't going to ask for jack shit. If they gave me something all well and good, but I wasn't going to beg.
I clenched my muscles, put my head down, gripped my legs together. I guessed that before they got down to some proper tactical questioning, they would take their frustrations out on me. They were murmuring to each other.
So what's it to be, I thought. A fearsome torture?
Or am I going to get fucked?
Men milled around, whispering. The tiniest sound is magnified when you're trying so hard to hear. A chair scraped. Somebody got to his feet and came towards me.
I braced myself. Here it comes. I pretended to shiver. I wanted so much for these people to feel sorry for me.
Two seconds felt like two minutes. It was unbelievably frustrating not to be able to see what was going on. I shivered again, the injured, pathetic creature, the man who knew nothing, the man not worth doing anything to. But I knew I was grasping at straws. Head down, I tried to show no reaction as he approached.
There was a strong waft of coffee, and I longed to be in Ross's cafe in Peckham with a big frothy coffee in front of me. On Saturdays as young lads we'd go down and get two sausage and chips, pile on the salt and vinegar, and get a frothy coffee. Ross the Greek would let us spend all morning there. We can't have been more than eight or nine. My mum always gave me the money to go and get my dinner at Ross's; she knew it was the big thing. In wintertime there would be condensation running down the windows and that strong, strong coffee smell. It was such a snug and cozy place to sit. It came back to me so vividly that for a brief moment I felt like a child who has fallen over and is crying for his mum.
There was no way Dinger would have gone into his cover story yet. Name, number, rank, date of birth, the Big Four-that's all he would have given. I thought: I'm going to get severely filled in here because they're going to want a lot more than that. I sort of hoped maybe they won't be asking me now; maybe they'll be asking me later. Maybe they'll just be taking their frustrations out now. Maybe no one can speak English! My mind was racing at incredible speed as this character got nearer and nearer, and finally stopped just inches away.
He pulled my head up and punched me hard in the face. The blow knocked me backwards and to one side, but they were surrounding me, and I was pushed back upright. Even when you're expecting a punch like that, you're shocked when it comes. I wanted to stay down because it would give me time to rest before the next one, time to think. Everybody piled in. There was laughter as they tried to outdo each other's efforts. I felt drunk. You know what's happening, you know what's going on, but there's nothing you can do to control it. You begin to feel detached. It's happening to you, but your mind takes over and says Fuck this, I'm not having much more of this, and you start drifting into unconsciousness. You can feel it happening, but your mind goes off into a wander. I was being punched into a semi stupor I let myself drop to the floor because at least then I could protect my face. I drew my knees up and kept them together, kept my head down, kept myself clenched up. As the blows rained down I screamed and moaned. Some of it was put on. A lot of it wasn't.
Then, as if on a signal, the beating stopped.
"Poor Andy, poor Andy," I heard, and a mock clucking of concern.
I got to my knees and put my head against the man and shook it. I leant against him, my breathing heavy and rasping because my nose was so clogged with blood and mud. I started sinking to the floor again. I needed his help to get me up. This gives time, I thought, this stalls the operation. Hopefully they'll come to their senses and see that I'm just a pathetic, useless cretin, not worth the effort, and leave me alone.
I was helped back into the chair and somebody dead legged me. I screamed. Even as a schoolboy I used to hate dead legs-and they were just the variety that were delivered with the knee. This was a full blooded kick. Boots flew in from all directions again. I went straight down.
You know the sensible thing to do is to appear weak and plead with them for mercy, but something takes over. I was so angry that I made a conscious decision once more not to beg. There was no way I was going to demean myself. They were going to do it anyway. I knew it was counterproductive to resist, but you can't fight your pride and self-respect. If I moaned, that would only give them more pleasure. The only way I could beat them was by my mental attitude, and beat them I would. By keeping as quiet as I could, I was winning a small battle.
Even the slightest imagined victory is magnified a thousand times. I'm winning this, I thought. Ridiculously, I felt my morale soar. Fuck 'em, I said to myself-don't give them the satisfaction of going home for their tea and saying to their mates, "Yeah, he was begging us to stop."
They didn't stop. Boots swung into my ribs and head, steel toe caps connected with soft shins. There was no point to what they were doing; everybody was just being macho. My only hope was that they'd get bored with it soon.
A couple of them started sounding off in English, denouncing Bush, Thatcher, everybody they could think of. My body was starting to throw its hand in. I felt limp and drained. It was difficult to breathe. I had already been deprived of my sense of sight; now everything was swollen and throbbing, and I felt my other senses numbing, too. My heart pounded so strongly it was creating its own chest pain.
I could hear screams and anguished groans. They must have come from me.
Somebody shouted into my face from inches away and then laughed manic ally "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" and backed off.
I should have had the sense to become a quivering wreck and let them laugh about it and say, "Ah, bless his cotton socks, leave him alone, what a dickhead."
But I just lay there and took it.
"You are the tool of Bush, Andy," one of them said, "but you will not be for long because we are going to kill you."
I took the threat seriously. He had just confirmed my worst fears. They would give us both a good kicking, then take us off and slot us.
Good, I thought, let's get on with it then.
They dragged me to my feet again. Blood was pouring down my face from gashes in my scalp. It trickled into my eyes and mouth. My lips were numb, as if I'd been to the dentist. I couldn't control them to blow the blood away. I bent my head forward to redirect the flow and to avoid any eye-to-eye contact. I didn't want these bastards to see what I was thinking.
For another fifteen minutes people continued to take turns at punching and slapping, often not even bothering to put me back on the chair. I stayed crunched up as tightly as I could. A pair of hands grabbed my feet and started to drag me across the room so that the others could get an improved angle on their kicking. This is way out of control, I thought. Any more of this and I'm going to be well out of the game.
The blindfold had come off by now with the hustle and tussle of events.
I didn't bother looking that much. All I saw was my knees hard against my face, and the light-cream lino floor, once beautifully polished but now smeared with mud and blood. I was finding it more and more difficult to draw b
reath. I was really getting concerned about the long-term effects. I felt my body disintegrating. I could die here-and the only good thing about it would be that I'd mucked up their floor.
The back of my throat was rattling. I coughed blood. Another twenty minutes, I thought, and we'd be into serious damage. That would really slow down my chances of escape.
At last they must have tired of the game. I was a bag of shit, they'd got me where they wanted me, there was little point going on.
I lay there on the floor, drenched with my own blood. There was filth and gore everywhere. Even my feet were bleeding. My khaki socks were wet and dark red.
I opened my eyes for a moment and caught a glimpse of a pair of brown Chelsea boots with zippers on the side, and a pair of bell-bottomed jeans. The boots had cheap and nasty plastic heels, the stuff that Saturday markets are made of. The jeans were dirty and faded, and well and truly flared. Whoever was wearing them probably had on a David Cassidy T-shirt as well under his uniform shirt. Glancing up quickly, I saw that they were all ruperts, very clean-cut and smooth-faced, not a hair out of place. Everybody had a mustache and hair that was sleeked back. The Saddam look was in.
I lay in a corner against the wall, trying to protect myself. There were people on three sides of me. Their faces loomed down at me. One bloke flicked his fag ash at me. I looked up at him pitifully. His response was to do it again.
More people came into the room. I was lifted up and put back onto a chair and re blindfolded I hoped it wasn't just a fresh crew coming in to take over from where the others had left off.
"What is your name?" I heard from a new voice in excellent English.
"Andy."
I didn't give my full name. I was determined to drag this out as long as I could. My surname was a whole new question. The trick is to use up time, but at the same time to appear to be wanting to help.
"How old are you, Andy? What is your date of birth?"
His diction was very precise, his grammar better than mine. The slight Middle Eastern accent was barely detectable.
I gave him the answer.
"What is your religion?"
Under the terms of the Geneva Convention he wasn't allowed to ask that one. The correct response should have been: "I cannot answer that question."
"Church of England," I said.
It was inscribed on my ID tags and they had them, so why should I risk another filling in over information that they already had? I hoped the information would help confirm that I was from England, not Tel Aviv as the crowd had seemed to believe.
Church of England meant nothing to them.
"You are Jewish?"
"No, I'm a Protestant."
"What is a Protestant?"
"A Christian. I'm a Christian."
To them, everybody's a Christian who's not a Muslim or a Jew.
Christianity embraces everybody from Trappist monks to Moonies.
"No, Andy, you are Jewish. We will soon find that out. Do you like my English, by the way?"
"Yes, it's good."
I wasn't about to argue. As far as I was concerned, he spoke better English than Kate Adie.
I had my head down, swinging it from side to side, looking and sounding confused. There were long pauses while I appeared to be trying to think of things. I slurred my words, played on the injuries, played for time, dragged everything out.
"Of course my English is good," he snapped, coming right up to my face.
"I worked in London. What do you take me for-an idiot? We are not idiots."
He had been asking questions from maybe 10 feet away, as if from behind a desk. But now he was up and walking around as he launched into a torrent of rhetoric about how intelligent and wonderful the Iraqi nation was and what tremendously civilized people they were. He was beginning to shout. Flecks of spit landed on my face. They smelled of tobacco and cheap cologne. The speed and harshness of his verbal assault made me wince a little; I clenched my teeth. I had to fight to control my reactions; I didn't want him to know I was in a better state than he thought. You've got to take it for granted that these people are switched on.
"We are an advanced nation," he spat. "As your country shall soon find out."
I had been feeling a bit like a child on the receiving end of a scolding, who puts his face down while he's being yelled at and his whole body starts to shudder.
He mentioned London and I thought, This is all getting on rather well here, we're going to talk about London.
"I love London," I said. "I wish I was back there now. I don't want to be here. I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just a soldier."
We went through the Big Four again. In my mind's eye I tried to race ahead and compare what I was going to say with what I'd already said. I could hear lots of writing going on. All the pens seemed very close to me. I heard paper being folded and the shuffling of feet.
My interrogator moved away and sat down. His tone switched to something soothing and approachable.
"I know you're just a soldier," he said. "I am a soldier myself. Let us just get this done in a civilized manner. We are a civilized nation.
There are certain things we want to know, Andy. Just tell us. You're just a tool. They are using you."
It was pretty obvious what was going on. My job now was to make them think that their methods were working.
"Yes, sir," I said, "I'm so confused, I really want to help you. I don't know what's happening. I'm so worried about my friend outside."
"Well, tell me what unit you're from. Just tell us and you won't have to go through this pain. Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"I'm sorry, I cannot answer that question."
It all started again.
When the new characters had come in, one of them must have slipped in behind me. When I gave the dud response, he must have got the nod because he threw a massive hook with a rifle butt into the side of my head. It took me straight onto the lino.
If you're in a fight as a school kid you're all revved up for it, and you're expecting the blows. They don't hurt so much when they come. If you're not expecting it, the pain is intense. The shock from the rifle butt was horrendous. I passed out. I went to another world, and although it hurt intensely, it was actually quite a pleasant place to be.
As I lay on the floor, I noticed that my breathing was very shallow now and my heart was pumping more slowly. Everything was slowing down. I could feel myself gradually declining. I couldn't swallow. Everything was a haze.
I took another blow from the rifle butt. Bubbles of vivid light exploded before my eyes. Then there was darkness.
I was semiconscious when they lifted me back onto the chair.
"Look, Andy, we just need to know some things. Let me do my job. We don't have to do this. We are all soldiers. This is an honorable profession." All of this in a low, soft, comforting voice. A sort of "Let's get it over with, let's be mates' sort of tone.
"We could just leave you out in the desert to be eaten by the animals, Andy. Nobody would care, except your family. You're letting them down, you're not being brave, you're just playing into the hands of the people who sent you here. They're having a good time while people like you and me are fighting each other. You and me, Andy-we don't want to fight this war."
I was nodding and agreeing with everything he said, and all the time I was doing it the wonderful feeling was growing inside me that I had actually beaten him. He saw me nodding, but he didn't know that inside my head my attitude was totally different. I started to feel better about my capture. Everything had felt so negative up till then. I was thinking: He must be believing this crap. He's chatting away and I'm agreeing with him. I couldn't believe I was getting away with it. I was on top of this discussion, and he wasn't even aware of it. I'd got something over him. This could be the start of a wonderful relationship.
I was winning.
"Just tell us, Andy, and we shall send you back to England. What unit are you from?" He made it sound as if he had the power
to summon a private jet there and then to whisk me back to Brize Norton.
"I'm sorry, I cannot answer that question."
This time, as the kicks connected with my skull, there was a hissing, popping sound in my ears, and as I clenched my jaw, I heard the bones creak together. I felt blood trickle out of my ears and down my face. I was worried. Blood coming out of your ears is not a good sign. I thought, I'm going to be left deaf. Shit, I was only in my early thirties.
"What unit are you with?"
I was hoping desperately that he'd get on to something else, but he wasn't going to let go.
I said nothing.
"Andy, we are not making much progress."
Bizarrely, the voice was still soft and chummy.
"You must understand, Andy, I have a job to do. We're not getting very far, are we? There is no big problem, just tell us."
Silence.
More kicks. More punches. More screams.
"We already have this information from your friend, you know. We just want to hear it from you."
That was a lie. He'd have got jack shit out of Dinger. Dinger was harder than me; he wouldn't have said a word. The reason he had got himself so badly filled in was probably because he'd treated them like anybody else he didn't like the look of and told them to fuck off.
"You must understand, I'm a soldier," I said. "You're a soldier, too-you must understand I can't tell you this."
I was trying to get some affiliation, I was trying to put it over in a sobbing, pathetic way. I hoped to appeal to their own traditional fear of loss of face.
"My family would walk around in shame for the rest of their days," I cried. "They would be disgraced, I'd be discredited for ever. I just can't tell you these things, I can't."
"Then Andy we have a big problem. You're not telling us what we need to know. You're not helping the situation, you're not helping yourself.
You could be dead very soon, for something that means nothing to you. I want to help you, but there are people above me who don't want to do that. Admit it," he said, in the tone of my best mate giving me advice.
