“Can’t we talk about my new job?” John folded his arms across his chest.
Dr. Evans gave him an encouraging nod.
“Like I said, I’m working on a cattle ranch not far from here. I work with the boss’s daughter. She keeps the books and such. She doesn’t like me much, but I’m managing all right. And there are horses and there are—dogs. There are dogs.” He stopped, hoping it would be enough. He didn’t need the doctor prying into his feelings about finding Koda. Or discussing his options of getting Koda back. Right now, he wasn’t ready to lose the job that had gotten him out of the suffocating condo. Out of the small room he barricaded himself in to keep away from his mother’s watchful eyes. And it made him feel useful. Though it didn’t give him purpose the way the army did.
Dr. Evans smiled patiently. “The outdoors can be calming. And I’m confident you will find a way to win over your boss’s daughter. You’re a driven young man. You’ve accomplished more than most people have at your age.”
John sighed, veins severely pulsating as if he’d downed thirty cans of Rip Its. The goddamn sessions were too long. Like the-fact-I-even-have-to-attend too long. And there was no clock in the room—Dr. Evans’s way of eliminating ‘last minute of school before summer break’ syndrome.
Asshole.
“How’s the ride to work? Any issues with driving?” Dr. Evans asked.
John was flown to Bagram after the attack. Three days later he had his first seizure. He remembered the darkness that had crept up on him and engulfed him. Later, one of the other guys in the hospital told him he’d started convulsing violently, but he didn’t recall any of that.
“No issues whatsoever. Glad to have gotten my license back. I thought it would never happen, but it worked out. Maybe other things will change, too.”
Dr. Evans didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. The look in his eyes as he polished his glasses told John all he needed to know—the answer was still the same. The life he knew, the one he’d dreamed of since he was a boy, was gone. He was never going back to the Sandbox.
My place is with my men, not here. God, I’m such a fucking failure.
“With the new job, I’m concerned about you getting enough rest. Especially for what seems like physically demanding work.”
Pain flared in his chest, burning its way up his throat. Dr. Evans looked mild-mannered, but the doc never hesitated to probe the darker parts of John’s life. The ones he locked down deep, and wished he could forget.
“John, are you still having nightmares?”
The image of Dirk’s mangled body snapped into his mind. Bile rose in his throat.
“You know what? I’m done with this shit!” He stood up, aware his actions proved he still needed Dr. Evans’s help, but he didn’t care. He just didn’t care anymore.
“What is it you feel you’re running from?” Dr. Evans asked, unperturbed by his patient’s outburst. The man must have seen so many patients rage that it was hardly extraordinary anymore.
“Fuck you. I don’t run from anything.” John shoved his chair over as hard as he could. Without another word he thrust the door open and left the office. Tears welled in his eyes as he tried to suppress the images of Dirk’s dead body.
“Mommy, where’s the army man going?” The young girl’s voice broke through the storm in his head.
He fumbled for the door. He didn’t want to wait to hear the answer.
He reached for the driver side door handle and his reflection greeted him in the window. Goddammit! He looked shaken—like a man on the brink of breaking down. Can’t even keep it together for one lousy session! He was a failure—and it was becoming increasingly harder to hide it.
He kicked out, striking the edge of the curb with his foot. His bad leg screamed in protest. Good. I deserve to hurt. I deserve to break every bone in my foot. I failed.
Failed to protect his brother.
Chapter 5
Katie took a deep breath, looking across the yard to the equipment barn. Going over the month’s financial records with John was not how she wanted to spend the afternoon. She’d rather gouge her eyes out with a red-hot poker, but as her dad said, John had been at the farm a week and it was high time he learned how to keep the books.
She pushed her sunglasses back up her nose. This time, she wouldn’t let her guard down. She was prepared for his good looks. But there was something about his combination of strength and the air of sadness around him, and those too-brief glimpses of honest happiness.
The steady clinking of dog tags filled the quiet hall. Koda stood beside her, tail wagging, tongue hanging out.
“Not this time, Koda.” While having Koda around made her feel secure, the mystery of her dog’s reaction to their new foreman threw her off guard. “I won’t be long.”
Feeling as if she had cruelly deprived a puppy of a treat, Katie shut the screen door behind her.
The afternoon breeze tugged at her hair. Balancing the heavy ledgers on one hip, she tucked a stray strand behind her ear. No luck. The wind pushed it back in her face in mere seconds. With a sigh, she readjusted the ledgers beneath her arm and kept going.
At least it’s only John. Her mouth twisted. There was no “only” about it. Any meeting with him was a confrontation. He might have charmed her father and Linda, but she wasn’t fooled—people were untrustworthy until proven otherwise, and she could tell John was hiding something—and she had every intention of reminding him of this. Her father had been pleased when she’d offered to go through the ledgers with John, taking it as more proof he’d made a good hire.
So, here I am. Filling her lungs with as much fresh air as they could hold, she straightened her spine and stepped inside the equipment barn.
The well-lit space smelled of machinery and motor oil, not the hay and grain and horses she much preferred. A couple of farm bikes were parked in the center of the barn, with an ancient, rusting tractor in the back. The rest of the equipment was either leaned against the wall or stowed away on shelves. At the far end, light peeked through the crack below the door. Her dad had built the private office a couple of years ago, specifically for the ranch foreman.
She set the ledgers on the nearest shelf, and smoothed her hair into place as best she could with her fingers. She ran her sweaty palms against her jeans, her breathing rapid and shallow. Not now. Calm down. Inhaling through her nose, she picked up the ledgers and held them tightly against her chest as if they were a shield. Placing one foot in front of the next, she made her way to the door and knocked loudly before walking in.
John jumped to his feet, phone in hand, as she pushed her way inside. His face was pale and he seemed to be catching his breath as he stared at her.
“Um. My dad wanted me to bring the general ledger out here so we could go over it.”
He took a deep breath, a hand against the back of the chair he’d just been sitting in. “Okay.”
A battered tan baseball cap hung on the back of his chair, an earth-toned American flag patch on the front. “My dad wants you to look over the way we balance the different accounts. So you’ll become familiar with them for ordering and whatever.” She dropped the ledgers on the desk between them.
“Makes sense.” He pulled the ledger across the desk, taking a deep breath, as though trying to get himself under control. He looked at the ledger and sat, meticulously thumbing through the book.
She crossed her arms, leaning back against the door to watch. Did the ledger make him nervous? The asshole must’ve lied on his application. No wonder he needed to get himself under control. He probably had no idea what he was looking at.
Sitting at the desk, he didn’t seem as ridiculously big as he usually did. And while he didn’t have many wrinkles, those that lined his face were marked, as if whatever caused them had gone in deep.
She’d asked her dad to show her his job application. His birthdate put him at thirty, but his face was much older. He moves like an old man, too. It wasn’t the stiffness; the legacy of what
ever injuries he’d suffered. It was the heaviness in his movements. As if living was becoming too much of an obstacle.
She watched him skim each entry, trailing a finger across the page to ensure he took in every detail before moving to the next. Meticulous is not the word. He applied his attention to their financial records the same way he’d applied himself to the tasks she’d set him.
The demanding day of tasks didn’t end with the results she’d hoped for. Quite the opposite. Every job was completed. No complaints were uttered. And her dad was delighted with the way their new foreman was shaping up.
She swirled the ends of her hair around her finger, toe tapping the ground. More like beating the ground.
He looked up. “Do you have somewhere you need to be?”
Was he implying she had nothing better to do than wait on him?
“We both have jobs that need to get done. And the cattle aren’t going to feed themselves,” she said, each word’s tone perfectly measured.
“We’ve got time.”
When her father licked his finger before turning over a page of the accounts, it was endearing. When John did it, she wanted to smack him. She stepped forward, drumming her fingers on the desk. “So? Thoughts? You do have those, right? What do you think of it?”
With a smirk that infuriated her, he lifted a few pages of the ledger and let them riffle through his fingers. “Not a bad start. I mean, you’ve done a good job with the accounting, but this seems pretty basic for an operation of this size.”
“There’s a section for each account. And we keep track on the master. It’s exactly like every other general ledger for every other ranch around here.” She leaned across the desk, turning the leger to the next section.
“You sure about that?” He gave the page in front of him a cursory glance, and looked directly at Katie. “Hate to break it to you, but paper and pen is pretty outdated in this day and age—even in Absarokee.”
She sank into the chair. When he looked directly at her, she felt exposed, like all her weaknesses were on display. She put a hand to her face, making sure her sunglasses were still there. “Are you saying we’re behind the times?”
“Have you guys considered converting to a computer program? There’s lots of good, easy-to-use software out there. A lot of it’s free. I could—”
“Look.” She cut him off as sharply as she could. “My father sent me out here so you could learn how we do our bookkeeping—not so you could critique our system. We’ve been doing it this way for years and it’s been perfectly fine. What makes you such an expert anyway?” She barely recognized her voice. “When was the last time you added up anything other than a bar tab?”
Both anger and uneasiness flooded through her—and then he laughed. A deep down, gut-busting laugh that made him lean forward on his desk as he tried to catch his breath.
That laugh, the way it vibrated through her with the force of a rollercoaster. She’d heard it before. She’d definitely run into him before, but where? Right now, however, his amusement was irritating.
“What’s so funny?”
“You are,” he gasped, trying to catch his breath. “You’re acting like I set fire to your house when all I did was suggest you upgrade your accounting system.”
Her mouth hung open. “Asshole!” She got up from the chair so quickly its leg skidded on the floor. Her ankle gave a sharp spasm of pain, and she tried to hide it.
“Hey, wait,” he called, as she yanked the door open. “You forgot your nice old-fashioned paper ledger.”
She turned around to see him standing up and holding the book out, barely containing the gleeful smile on his face. She took two steps forward, snatched the book from his hands, and turned to leave.
As she did, he added, “Think about what I said. You know, about the computer program. I’d be happy to teach you.”
“Go to hell, old man!”
“Hey, there are only a few years of difference between us, princess!”
“Princess?” She whirled around to face him. “What, do you think I’m helpless? That I can’t pull my weight around here?”
“You seem pretty happy throwing your weight around.” A smile covered his smug face. “Anyone would think I’d threatened you—not offered to help!”
“I don’t need help from the likes of you.”
“There, you see? I’m not good enough for you, am I?” The smile vanished from his face, his eyes locked onto hers. Piercing through her. “I wasn’t born in the saddle, but I work hard and do my fair share and more. Sooner or later, you’ve going to have to admit it—I’m an okay guy!”
She sucked in a furious breath. “Never,” she said. “You may have fooled everyone else, but you’ll never fool me. I know you’re after something, that you’re hiding something. Just like the others. And I’m going to find out what it is.”
“Just what are you saying?” There was no mirth in his voice. His eyes were flat. How had she ever imagined them kind?
There was no way she was going to let anyone threaten the ranch. “You heard me. I’m watching you.” She whirled around with the big heavy ledger stacked up in her arms—and promptly caught her foot on the doorstep.
The ledger went flying as she grabbed and missed the doorframe, slamming into the dirt floor of the barn. She spat out straw as she heaved herself onto her hands. Her body shook and she couldn’t make herself move.
Strong hands settled on her shoulders. “Are you okay? Look, I’m sorry. I was just trying to dish out some of what you were throwing at me. Wasn’t trying to get you hurt.”
As if the fall wasn’t bad enough, he has to go for my pride too? She snapped her head around to face him, determined to let him know what he could do with his pity.
But her eyes found worry covering his face. Like he actually cared. Her heart thudded. If she could see his regret—what did he see?
“Just let go of me.” The hands released her. “Take the books. I can get up myself.”
She took a deep breath and pushed herself to her feet. Her body protested, but after what she’d been through, a little twinge of pain wasn’t about to stop her. Princess—ha!
“Here.” He held out the books. “You know,” he tugged at the collar of his shirt, “a computer program would weigh a lot less than that heavy ledger. You wouldn’t have to lug it around.”
She ripped the ledgers from his hands. “Why? They too heavy for you, old man?”
Before he could reply, she stomped out the door and made her way across the yard, heart pounding and chest tight. It wasn’t until she was back in the house that she could breathe.
She threw open the kitchen door and flung herself into the nearest chair. Tears welled up in her eyes, momentarily blinding her.
Koda’s muzzle intruded into her vision as the dog laid her head on her leg. Her fingers ran through the coarse fur, and she buried her face into the dog’s neck. “Always there when I need you.”
The dog’s tail scraped the kitchen floor as it wagged.
Taking a slow deep breath, she wiped her cheeks free of tears. She’d won. She’d walked away from him with the last word—and she’d shown him what she thought of his help! So why…why did it feel like she had lost?
Princess. Her mouth twisted scornfully. If he only knew.
Chapter 6
John leaned a hand against the doorway of the equipment barn as Katie stormed back to the house, leaving him adrift in her wake. She might be small, but damn, if that slim form didn’t conceal one heck of a verbal punch! Hurricane Katie.
Had he imagined the shine of tears in her eyes as she’d turned to go? His gaze lingered on her rapidly retreating figure. And how afternoon sunlight made her tawny beige skin glow. A soft breeze lifted her wavy hair.
His blood sizzled. Being confined in the tiny office with her had been a struggle in self-control. When she’d leaned across the table, he fought to keep his eyes on the ledger. Now, as he watched her walk away, the heat he’d been battling solidified in
to desire.
Dammit!
He rubbed his temples. He shouldn’t have allowed the boss’s daughter to rattle him. Not to mention, she already suspected he was keeping something from her. And what would happen if she found out I’m Koda’s former handler? From what he’d experienced, she’d throw a fit and fire him. Mitch might force her to give Koda back and he would become the person who took away her friend, the one who ripped the dog she loved out of her life. He would become the asshole she already thought he was.
But he’d learned some valuable information. The ranch had had some undesirable past hires. Mitch had mentioned an employee stealing some Kitset from Linda. Almost cost the veterinarian her license.
John wasn’t like that. This job meant something to him. It was an opportunity to start over. But it wasn’t just her lumping him in with past hires.
Old man—where does she get off? I’m not that old!
He sank back into the office chair with a sense of relief. He felt far older than his thirty years. His time in the Middle East had drained the life out of him. He didn’t just feel like he’d lost his youth. He no longer remembered what it had felt like to be young and free, without the burden of responsibilities weighing him down.
His phone buzzed with a message notification. He glanced at the screen and swore—his mother interrogating him about the new six pack of beer sitting in the fridge. He just couldn’t catch a break. He stood and made his way outside. I’ll show her what this old man can do.
The jingling of metal tags cut through the air.
“Koda?”
His black-and-tan partner ran over to him with her tail wagging.
He groaned as he took in the bright green ball gripped between Koda’s teeth. “Not now, Koda. I have work to do.”
Koda tilted her head inquisitively, her brown eyes resting on him. And he relaxed.
“Come here, girl.” Dropping to one knee, he held out his arms. “It’s good to see you.”
He spent a few moments with his face buried in her thick fur. Koda was a much-needed distraction. Just the smell of her brought back a barrage of memories—not all of them welcome.
Hearts Unleashed Page 4
