But more than that, I remember the feeling of complete and utter isolation in a sea of family and friends.
Lee had Jax and Becca. Pops had Sam. But I was just there, falling, with no one to catch me, dropping in the six-foot grave that was meant for Ma. I’ve laid there ever since, searching for a helping hand.
There was a time I reached for Becca’s. Thought she’d be the one to help me climb. But she only pushed me further down, embedding my soles so deep, no one else could ever dig me up.
I’m tired of letting the past fester and rot in the deepest parts of me.
Tired of being afraid.
It’s time to find my own way out.
It’s after dinner when I decide to talk to Sarah. Shouldn’t I be able to share the roughest parts of me with the woman I’m spending the rest of my life with?
Shouldn’t she want to know?
She’s sitting on the bed, fresh out of the shower, rubbing lotion on her legs.
I’ve just changed into basketball shorts and a white tank, and I’m gripping the edge of the dresser, watching her in the mirror.
“I think I’m gonna visit Ma tomorrow,” I blurt.
“Hmm.” She hums, rubbing the lotion on her skin.
I wait to see if she’s going to say more. Maybe offer some support, and recognize that I’m vibrating from the effort to stay in one piece.
She doesn’t.
I spin, the lip of the dresser biting into my skin as I rest against it. “Yeah. I haven’t seen her grave since she’s been buried there. I’m a little nervous, to be honest.”
She stops, putting the lotion to the side and peering at me. “Why would you be nervous?”
Maybe her words are normal, but they feel like a thousand knives aimed directly at my chest. What does she mean why would I be nervous? I may not have opened up to her much, reveling in the surface level she provides, but isn’t it obvious?
“I haven’t been to see her since she’s died.” I repeat the words slowly, raising my eyebrows.
She smiles and lifts her shoulders. “You’re here now. Better late than never.”
Is she being obtuse on purpose?
Maybe she thinks she’s helping, but she’s not. She’s just hammering home the fact that even though we’re right next to each other, there’s a rift that stretches wide, and maybe there isn’t enough between us to fill it.
“Right.” I sigh, shaking my head. “You’re right. It’s not even a big deal.”
She grins, tilting her head. “Can I come with?”
“No.” My response is sharp and swift.
She winces. “Oh, okay. That’s fine, I ju—”
I grimace, swallowing the bitter pill of realizing she just doesn’t get it.
I inhale deep, searching for some grace. “I’m sorry, it’s… I need to do this alone. You understand, right?”
She bites her cheek and nods, but I see the tremble in her lips. I wish she would say what she wants to say, instead of keeping things so calm.
I’ve always been content in the fact we never fight. We’ve never had to douse the flames of a blaze we can’t control.
Sarah’s always been my Novocain, and I’ve bathed in the numb she provides.
But even the strongest drug wears off.
And I crave a hint of fire.
39
Becca
“Your brother is an asshole!” I burst into Lee’s studio apartment, ripping the wine glass from her outstretched hand.
“I take it things didn’t go well?” She smirks, sipping from her own glass.
“No. Things did not go well. Your brother is literally the worst person I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowin’.” I guzzle my wine, rage heating my veins at the thought of Eli. The way he dug under my skin and scraped at my wounds, making them bleed.
Asshole.
“I mean, how did you survive growin’ up with someone who’s so… so... ”
“Particular?” Lee suggests.
“Insane! Ugh!” I drain the last of my drink, knowing that I should be savoring instead of chugging, but I can’t help myself. Eli is the actual worst. An arrogant, ‘hit you while you’re down’ kind of man, who took all my tender spots and ripped them open, leaving me to suffocate in the hurt.
Literally. He just left like he couldn’t be bothered to clean up his own mess. Like he expected his perfect, polished, future wife to do it.
The worst part is I actually like Sarah. She’s so damn sweet she gives you a toothache, and that pisses me off even more. I wish I could hate her.
“You shouldn’t let him get to you, Becca. He’s doin’ it on purpose. He loves gettin’ a rise outta people.”
“He’ll get a rise out of my foot when I shove it up his ass.” I reach for the bottle of wine, needing the red liquid to help drown out my memories.
Lee giggles. “Y’all have always been like oil and water. Remember how ticked he used to make you as a kid?”
Her words do nothing except fan the flames of my ire. I’m so damn angry at him for stirring up emotion I’ve worked for years to tamp down. I’m hurt at the things he said, and what I said back. The crater in my stomach threatens to swallow me whole at the sadness I see reflected in his eyes. Sadness that I caused. Sadness that turns him into a mean, vicious man.
I made the right choice.
That fact is more than obvious after this meeting today. How could I have ever thought we were compatible? Lee’s right. We’re oil and water. We don’t mix.
My chest pulls tight at the thought. “Well, I don’t know how Sarah puts up with him. I could never. Really, there’s no way I could ever marry that man, let alone live with him. It woulda been a terrible decision.”
The buzz from the wine filters through my bloodstream, my body humming with a fuzzy warmth. I sigh in relief, the throb in my heart finally dying down.
“Come again?” Lee’s staring at me slack-jawed.
“Huh?” I yawn, suddenly exhausted from the drama of the day.
I can’t believe I agreed to plan his weddin’.
But maybe this chunk of money will help me cut ties with Papa once and for all. I can take Jax up on his offer and get out of this hellhole. How ironic it’s Eli’s marriage to another woman that ends up being my Hail Mary.
Lee’s head is cocked, her brows pulled in. “You said it would have been a terrible decision. What exactly are you referrin’ to in that statement? The marriage part, or the livin’ together part?”
My heart stutters in my chest, my stomach free falling like I’m on a rollercoaster.
I straighten off the couch. “I didn’t say that. You misheard me.”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“What’d you say, then?” Her gaze is locked on to mine, and I’m afraid to move. Scared that if I do anything, she’ll see the truth. I can’t believe I let my guard down and let that slip.
“Hmm?” I take another gulp of my wine. “Hey, how was your trip with Chase?”
Lee shakes her head. “Nope. Nope. No way. You don’t get to change the subject like that, Becca.”
I groan, throwing my head back. Why can’t she just drop it? “I don’t wanna talk about Eli anymore.”
She throws up her hands. “That’s the whole reason you came over!”
“Well, I just needed to vent. I did and now I’m done.” My curls twist through my fingers, my stomach somersaulting to the beat of my heart.
“You know, you and Eli are really startin’ to tick me off. I don’t appreciate bein’ the in-between for you two when neither of you will tell me what’s goin’ on.”
Everything in me screams to just say it—push the words from the tip of my tongue, and let them settle in the space between us. But I can’t. I’m terrified of losing her.
To this day, Jeremy tries to convince me to tell her, but I just can’t risk it.
He wasn’t here to witness the fallout when our best friend, Lily, found out about Chase and Lee.
Lily was already a mess,
chasing a high none of us could provide, but realizing her big brother and her best friend fell in love behind her back? That was the push that launched her off the edge. I loved Lily, but my loyalty to Lee runs strong and true, so when she dropped Lee, I dropped her. And then she abandoned all of us when she ran away, never to be heard from again.
The absence of Lily hurts, but it’s nothing compared to what it will feel like if I lose Lee.
She’s been fragile as hell for eight years, and I will not be responsible for throwing her off that carefully balanced ledge.
Lee sits next to me, grabbing my hand. “You can tell me, you know? You’re my best friend Becca. Nothin’ will ever change that. Just please, tell me what’s goin’ on.”
Guilt slides up my stomach and wraps around my chest, squeezing until my lungs constrict.
“Nothin’ is goin’ on, Lee,” I whisper.
Omission is not a lie.
I wake up on Lee’s couch to the smell of fresh brewed coffee and a note on my chest.
Hey Lush,
I love you, but some of us have to get up and go to work. You sleep like the dead. And don’t think I forgot about our talk last night.
There’s coffee, but if you eat the last of my Lucky Charms, I will end you, sister.
Xx
-Lee
I smile, crumpling the paper and stretching out my sore muscles. Her couch is super uncomfortable, and I’m a bit hungover from the wine I guzzled. I trudge my way into Lee’s kitchen, grabbing one of her to-go mugs and pouring myself a hot cup of coffee. Glancing at the clock, I realize I barely have time to run home for a quick shower before I’m supposed to meet Sarah at the florist.
Something sinks in my stomach.
There’s not much I want to do less than be the helping hand for Eli’s marriage to another woman. But the money to leave town is a temptation I can’t refuse.
Betsy’s Secret Garden is the only floral shop in town, but Betsy’s got the best green thumb in all of Tennessee. Too bad she can’t tend to her idiot son, Jason, the way she does to her flowers.
Walking in the front door of the shop, I send up a quick prayer that Jason isn’t here. We used to fool around in high school, but when he wanted to get serious, I cut him loose. He’s never forgiven me, making it his personal mission to antagonize me, and every time I see him it’s a little slice of hell.
The smell of fresh cut flowers tingles my nose as I walk by the register. Sarah’s perusing a binder on the counter, and Eli’s standing behind her, looking like he owns the whole damn town.
“You just gonna walk on by and ignore me like that, Rebecca Jean?”
I cringe, Jason’s voice grating my eardrums. Damn. Just my luck he’d be here—icing on the cake to this already fucked-up situation. Eli straightens, his eyes hardening as he looks behind me. Sarah pops her head up, catching my gaze and offering me a small smile.
Sighing, I spin around. “Hiya, Jason. I honestly didn’t even realize you were standin’ there. How’s the wife?”
He taps his short, stubby fingers on the Formica countertop. “Oh, she’s just fine. You know how Amy is, happy to be mine, and beggin’ for a kid. She’ll be pleased you asked.”
I force a grin. “Happy to be of service, Jason.”
“Just like you always have been.” He smirks.
I’m no stranger to the things people in this town say about me. I’ve been called worse by better, but still, my chest burns, and I clench my fists to keep myself from punching that disgusting smile off his slimy face.
Eli stiffens and Sarah glances up from the binder.
Jason’s eyes flick to Eli before settling back on me. “You here for Elliot Carson?” He rubs his chin. “Makes sense, he’s probably one of the only guys you haven’t serviced yet.”
I force a lazy smile, one side of my mouth pulling up. “Oh, Jason. You afraid he’ll be able to handle things you were too much of a pussy to hold on to?”
Jason’s lips flatten, his eyes narrowing into slits. “Please. Ma would disown me. She’d never let me settle down with a whore. You’re lucky she ain’t here… she wouldn’t even let you in the store with your filth.”
The hole in my stomach grows. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but when so many people see you as less than, it chips away at even the strongest person’s soul.
A whip of air brushes against my side, and before I can turn, Eli has Jason’s orange polo crushed in his fists, pulling him until half his body hangs over the counter.
Jason’s cheeks grow splotchy, his eyes big and round. “What the hell, man?”
“If your momma were here,” Eli starts. “I’d make sure to show her the proper way to whoop some manners into your disrespectful ass. You should be honored Becca’s even graced you with her attention.” He stops, his fists clenching tighter, the collar of Jason’s polo wringing tight around his neck. “If you ever talk to her like that again. If you ever look at her again, I’ll make sure you can never service anyone. You hear me, you piece of shit?”
Jason sputters and nods, clawing at Eli’s hands.
Sarah is gripping my forearm, her nails indenting my skin. I wonder if it’s Eli’s outburst or his sudden accent that has her in shock?
My heart slams against my ribs so hard I’m convinced it’s trying to break free, wanting to dive into Eli’s chest and live there for a while.
All the beats belong to him, anyway.
Eli drags Jason completely over the counter until his feet scramble to find purchase on the ground. Letting go of his shirt, Eli pushes him forward until they’re both standing in front of me.
My mouth parts, my stomach doing somersaults inside me.
He grips the back of Jason’s neck. “Apologize.”
Jason stares at the ground, mumbling.
Leaning in close, Eli’s brows raise. “What’s that?”
“I said, I’m sorry. Hell, man. Everyone knows Becca used to get around. She knows I’m just messin’ with her.”
Eli’s eyes snap to me, his irises dark in their wrath. A throb spikes between my legs, shooting like lightning, electrifying every nerve.
“What in tarnation is goin’ on in here?” Jason’s momma, Betsy, stands in the back door, taking in the scene.
Eli doesn’t move his gaze from me, and he doesn’t relent his grip from the back of Jason’s neck. “Just teachin’ your boy some manners, Ms. Wallace.”
Betsy tsks, walking over and smacking Jason on the back of the head. “Boy, what have you gone and done now? I ask you to watch the store for five minutes and I come back to you runnin’ off my customers.”
“Ma, it—”
She puts up a hand. “I don’t wanna hear it. Go on now.”
She shoos him away, and Eli finally releases his grasp, the deep red rings on the sides of Jason’s neck making heat flare low in my abdomen.
It’s disturbing how turned on I am by the evidence of Eli’s violence.
Betsy puts a hand to her chest. “I’m awful sorry for anything he may have said. You know he’s never quite gotten over you, Becca, but don’t tell his wife I said it.” She winks, turning to Sarah. “Now, let’s talk weddin’s!”
Bile rises in the back of my throat, because for a minute, I had forgotten that’s why we were here. For just a split second, it was easy to pretend.
But Eli isn’t mine.
Sarah smiles, sashaying toward Eli and standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “My man is always trying to be the white knight, riding in to save the day. Becca’s a big girl, Eli. She can handle herself.”
I suck on my teeth and nod my agreement, even though it’s a lie. Because the truth is, I love the fact that her man defended me. Love how it seemed like his passion centered around me. And how, for that brief moment, her man still felt like mine.
The rest of the floral trip is uneventful—me staying back and not being much help, too lost in the teeter-totter of emotions sloshing around inside me.
After an hour and a half of debat
ing whether the roses should be pink or white, Sarah finally makes a decision and we leave. I follow them out, silent and ready to get the hell out of here. I need to remind myself yet again why the decisions I’ve made are the right ones.
Right now, they feel a lot like a mistake.
I get to my car door, spinning the key ring around my finger. “Well, y’all. This has been fun. I’ll see you Saturday mornin’ at the bakery?”
“Yes! Can’t wait to taste all the yum.” Sarah grins, patting her stomach.
I smile right as her phone rings. Her brows furrow as she glances at the screen, excusing herself and walking back toward the florist.
Before my gaze even falls on Eli, I already know he’s looking. He’s always looking. I wish he would stop looking.
The energy crackles between us. It’s torture, being close enough to feel the pull, but too far to touch.
My stomach flips as I search for what to say. “Thank you.”
His eyes spark. “For what?”
“You know for what. For defendin’ me. You didn’t have to do that. No one’s ever—” I bite back the sudden sting in my throat. “Ever done that for me before.”
The muscle in his jaw tightens. “Don’t thank me for that shit, Becca. And don’t let people talk to you that way.”
“You talked to me that way.” I tilt my head, wanting him to explain it away. To tell me why he likes to play with my emotions so much. I want to beg him to pick a damn lane and stay in it, so I can cast him as the villain or the hero. I don’t know what to do when he’s both.
He doesn’t do any of those things, just swallows, his arms crossing over his broad chest.
I brush the hair from my eyes, shifting on my feet. “Besides, I can’t control people’s actions, Eli, I learned that a long time ago. I can only control my reaction.”
“Believe me, I know.”
His arms uncross and he takes a step forward. My heart batters against my sternum. I swear if I took a deep breath, our chests would touch.
“Tell me why, Becca.” The deep timbre of his voice rumbles through every inch of my body.
Beneath the Stands: An Enemies to Lovers, Best Friend's Brother Romance (Sugarlake Series, Book Two) Page 19
