After dinner they went back to Gary’s room with a bottle of wine, to smoke a joint and talk, tired from food, and wine, and pot, and glad to be together again, and the problems, of business, and unmarriedness, fell like veils and they were old friends again, older friends, and better friends, because they had more experience being people, their dreams soiled, frayed, tattered, their hopes, tarnished, dirty, dusty, their futures, less certain, wobbly, needing shims here and there, scoot one under that leg, see if it quits wobbling. That helps, a little friendship helps right there, still wobbly, but not quite as bad, a little more might do it, just a little, said Gary, a little more, and Maggie, said no, no thank you, that shim would shake this table. This table’s already shaking, she said, shaking her head no and leaving to her own room, alone, thinking free sex always cost too much. Whoever said sex was free, and Lucy, it would be like incest, and she wouldn’t, no she wouldn’t couldn’t see the point. What’s in a one night stand? One knight? Not Lucy’s! Maggie had her own rescue in mind. She was putting new legs on her table. When her night came, she wouldn’t be so wobbly, would she? Some white night she’d pay all she had and more because she knew that sex wasn’t free. Who said that? Maggie never said it, oh yeah, it was Hank. Did he say it? Yes. He did. He said it once. And he never said it again after that.
We’re Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band, we hope you have enjoyed the show …
CHAPTER 31
Santa Cruz, California
“BUT I FEEL SO DEVALUED, Maggie,” said Lucy. “I hate it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“He’s outa here. Gone. He wanted me to put up with it because he brought in the money. We’ve got three kids. Does he think money was gonna take care of the heartache. It won’t.” She put the bottle back in the baby’s mouth, holding it until the baby held it.
“Be glad you have at least that.” Maggie sipped her tea.
“Oh, it doesn’t make it any less. You know that. Just more trouble that he’s not around to help. That does make it less pleasure. It’s hard, Maggie. Not that he was here all that much, but enough to take the pressure off.”
“You still have a beautiful house. The kids have a place to live.” Joshua toddled over and put his head on Maggie’s knee.
“Look at me, twenty pounds overweight. No skills. I know, I wanted to do this, but I thought Gary would be here to help me. That was the deal.” And it had been the deal. Lucy hadn’t wanted any other deals; this was her very big deal. This house. These babies. That husband. Then whammy shabammy. Her Gary! Unthinkable she thought. Absolutely unthinkable. Jail had been unpainful: it was the littlest pain she knew compared to this bigger pain. This monster pain. The absence of Gary. That was pain, she thought, jail had never been pain, jail had been entirely different, Ruby would never have betrayed her, nor would Maggie, or her mom, but Gary. She’d married him. Had his children. This was pain. Now she knew pain, she did, she knew about it.
“You can learn something. I might go back to school or something. And besides you know a lot. You know about swimsuits. Maybe you can do something with your mom. Where is she?”
“She just ran out to the store. She’ll be right back.” Lucy put one of the twins on her shoulder to burp and walked back and forth in the spacious safe looking room as if it might soothe her own suffering, as if non-movement might overwhelm her. And non-movement might have overwhelmed her. She’d just painted three rooms, stayed up till three, spattered with pretty colors, crying, mingling salty tears with the new decor. The bedroom was mauve instead of yellow, the nursery yellow instead of blue, the guest room beige instead of green. Even the oak paneling. She’d painted that gray. All of it. Oak looked too safe. Too trendy. Too secure. So much for security. So much for safe. She painted over everything that promised safety. It wasn’t. Nothing was safe. The babies? Yes. They were safe. The babies were definitely safe. She promised to keep them safe. She’d learn how to do it. You just watch. Look. Look. See. See. Just in case something else turned unsafe. What else did she have to learn? How could she keep these babies safe? Was all safety an illusion? Yes. She thought so. Safety was an illusion she wanted to paint. She’d become a painter and paint the illusion of safety all around her. The walls. The ceiling. The sun and the sky. She’d paint herself right into a safe corner. Even when she knew better. But better late than never. Or better never late. Which way was it? What color should she paint? Oh yes. Paint it safe. Paint safe choices.
“What are you girls up too,” yelled Mary from the kitchen. “I’ve scads of groceries to put away. Come. Help me.” Mary hugged Maggie as she came in the kitchen, and picked the baby from Lucy’s arms, letting the sleepy child fall against her shoulder. She kissed her head and went to put her down. When she came back, Lucy had started with the groceries and Mary helped.
“Maggie’s just seen Gary,” Lucy said, slamming a can of whole tomatoes into the cupboard and then another feeling, guilt, suddenly bloomed darkly at her secret annoyances, complaints against Gary, his work, the way she sulked sometimes because of it, the things she thought she’d never do, but did anyway because her need had grown deeper than she’d ever imagined, and now this loss lingering in his absence, this vacuum cleaner sucking life as she knew it away, sucking it up, her belief, her faith, her love that could not stand alone. Could it? Would it? Is she still standing?
“So how is he?” asked Mary, knowing he could only be as good as expected, and she didn’t know what to expect. She was as confused as anyone, almost as confused as Lucy, not believing for a minute that Gary would have left his family not even for a tiny minute.
“Okay,” said Maggie, not wanting to elaborate on Gary since he was the source of so much pain here. And what could she say? What should she say to Lucy? That she and Gary had had a great time, dinner, wine, a few little old friendly kisses, friendly enough to know they could have gotten unfriendly, but they’d passed on the big kisses because in the end they would have only been kisses. Not Love. Maggie listened to the cans slam into the cupboard, wondering if they were jealous cans and thinking yes Lucy might be slamming jealous cans into the cupboard. Not that she had an exact reason but a vague reason being worse than a specific reason in a mind conjuring jealousy. Lucy’s twenty pregnant pounds, baby pounds, not yet shed, thought Maggie, were bound to make her uncomfortable, unsure of herself, but more; Lucy was pregnant with dissatisfaction as if the pounds she gained could preserve the person she knew best, protecting her from change. Yet the change was there. All around. Gary’s absence surrounded her. Lucy couldn’t deny it. She could only try and hide it. Sooner or later she would have to let this new life without Gary live itself. Maggie rifled through her red purse and brought out a letter. “Look what I brought. A letter from Patrick.”
Lucy put down a can of tomato sauce and grabbed the letter, hoping it would fill the absence that Gary had left, wondering, inside her, how she would live this absence, full of babies, without Gary, this presence she had created that was unlike what she had imagined. What had she imagined? Did she think that the living is easy? Does a guy? What about those babies? What will they think when it’s time to think it?
October 2, l971
Dear Maggie,
I can barely believe you haven’t managed to come to see me. I know. We’re all busy. I certainly am. I’ve been admitted into the Ph.D. program in philosophy so my next few years are decided. And you? Hank was here last weekend with his new girl friend. Or his third new girl friend I might say. You’d probably like her. I did. She seems like you in some ways. Have you seen Gary or Lucy? I hear they have twins now. Wow. A real growing family. Why not? Love Patrick.
“A growing family. Growing without Gary. Life without father.”
“Lucy, I’m going up to visit in a few days. Do you want to come?” asked Maggie. “It would do you good. Lucy, I know this is tough, but you’ll have to get on with life. You really must.” Knowing how lame it sounded and how much pain Lucy must be in and how hard it was to thi
nk out of it.
“I can’t really.” Not knowing why she couldn’t but just thinking that doing something might be impossible entirely un-do-able if it might make her feel better she just didn’t think feeling better was possible even with Patrick although she had barely even thought about feeling better because she’d never felt worse.
“Why not?” asked Mary. “Of course you could. I’ll watch the kids.”
“Mom. I can’t leave you with all this work.” She wondered why she couldn’t do it, not knowing exactly why except it didn’t seem quite right that she should leave and do something she absolutely wanted to do.
“Yes. Yes you can. I’d like the time with the kids by myself. You never let me spoil them enough.”
“Oh yes I do.” Lucy rolled her eyes to Maggie, thinking for the first time in a long time that she might do something other than what she did everyday, not that she had longed to do it, but just because it might jog her out of this slump she was in to see an old friend and move through the world, just a cruise down Main street, to let her experience something else for one little day. Suddenly one little day seemed like a lifetime, one whole day to do something different, oh, she needed to do something different all right, she had to do something different. This house had absence all over it because Gary was gone and Lucy hadn’t arrived in her new form yet she was making it oh surely she was in the process of doing this cutting it slowly from the fabric of her life snip snip snipping away trimming snip and tucking pulling tugging stretching this bias to another could she stretch that far was this fabric wide enough deep enough surely she might find the right cut for this fabric of thought this new warp in this woof what kind of tapestry will work now? Time to go to the fabric store. Berkeley was a big place to shop okay she’d go there with Maggie she’d go shopping she would.
Tomorrow was already here, she thought, as they moved over Highway 17 twisting through the hair-pin turns between Santa Cruz and San Jose passing the Los Gatos turn-out trucking on up 17 in Maggie’s truck, having suddenly a different tomorrow and on her way to see Patrick whom she hadn’t seen for the longest time and knowing the babies were with mom and okay and was she okay she was but she felt funny different without her big little responsibilities of babies that her mom had now, glad she had a good mom that helped her do this now that she needed to do it, although she hadn’t even thought of doing it until she had the opportunity to do it, but there she was a Lucy a separate person a whole thing without Gary a whole person existing apart from the things that were still a very big inside part of her inside her, yet she felt whole trucking down the road intent on this little adventure feeling entirely adventurous enchanted even.
Maggie felt the enchantment too since they were old friends, feeling the things they felt sometimes enchanted to be doing something exciting like visiting another old friend, anticipating the enchantment sometimes the best part of enchantment the distant part of it they were imagining as they moved towards it but also the enchantment that had begun with the traveling—the movement they were making towards the new experience—something they’d not given much thought to except in imagining it but now as it was going to happen. The thoughts of it and the experience of it moved into their collective imagination, each of the girls anticipating something different in separate sorts of ways because they were both imagining Patrick but they imagined him in entirely different ways because Maggie imagined him as the man she had lived with and missed and Lucy imagined him as the Patrick that had always felt safe to her and there she was moving towards safety in the big way that Patrick felt but he felt sorta like that to Maggie too but different because Maggie was different now than when she had lived with Patrick and she was curious about how it would be and Lucy thought actually it might be the same not realizing at that enchanting moment how very much she had changed and wanting desperately to keep enchantment somewhere somehow something still had to be enchanting and right now she decided that enchantment was Patrick the one she moved towards in the distance where enchantment began: the sometime enchantment of the imagination making the future reality better than the one that was real like the past enchantment of each moment that she remembered because it had passed the reality that would not come again and the absence of it made her look somewhere else conjuring love elsewhere with peace. Is love ever peaceful, she wondered, remembered that there used to be love and peace and she thought there still was and maybe Berkeley had it, love and peace, and other people seemed to have it not Maggie she didn’t think so but maybe she had peace she seemed to have it yes she had something different than when Hank and Maggie lived together and Lucy wondered if she’d get anything like Maggie had and did she want it if she could she was Lucy not Maggie; she wanted Lucy things but she wanted a peace of Lucy for Lucy that was different, that she knew for certain, what peace was that?
When they pulled in Patrick’s driveway Maggie could not help but think how different this was from the ranch and how different it was that Patrick called this place home now and she still called the ranch home but oh well what can you do that was how it was Patrick had a new space a smaller space that seemed larger than the big open space of the ranch that seemed cramped and small because it was such an old space old because she’d been in that space way too long it seemed that old deserted desert space compared to this city place that she pulled up to parking the truck and getting out wondering about how it was to live in a space like that in the city with different things and hadn’t she been in the desert long enough yes she had certainly but this is where Patrick lived and he’d asked her to visit so that is just what she was doing now she was visiting Patrick.
After all the hugging and kissing and crying yes there was even a few happy tears and then explanations from Lucy and sympathies and wows you don’t say I’m so sorry but who would have thought so wow wow wow right on right here in Berkeley with his new roommates Albert Baker and James Shackleforth odd sorts of guys thought Maggie when she met them they were on their way out but Albert Baker decided to stay because the girls were very pretty, both of them, and he noticed it right away and Shackleforth could shackleforth but Baker decided to stay and see what was cooking, so he did and got out the stash and rolled a joint and they hung out and Maggie even got stoned because she was glad to be getting stoned right there with Patrick because she had always missed that now that she couldn’t do it so much anymore and took a big hit and knew it wasn’t gonna be a big problem because Baker’s stash was just moldy Colombian but Patrick had some good stash naturally like always he had some hash and Maggie still loved hash and she took a toke of the Colombian anyway just waiting for the Afghani the smell of it the incredible high of hashish so Patrick put some on the screen of his pipe and lit it and it was the smell of it that was better than the hit of it the smell of first lit hashish that made you crazy just thinking about how great it smelled don’t you think so grass was nothing compared to hashish and grass was nothing anyway really thought Maggie but hashish, hashish was something it really was wow but she wasn’t rude to Baker who was so excited about girls anyway you could tell and Maggie thought he was cute and Lucy thought so too but Lucy had big eyes very big eyes for Patrick who looked at her in a different way now that Gary had moved out because Lucy had always been Gary’s girl except for the time she was almost Swackhammer’s girl but that was a really sad story that no one even mentioned anymore because it was so damn sad and didn’t they find Swackhammer dead on a beach somewhere thought Patrick yes he thought he had heard that at one time who said it Hank Hank had heard it somewhere and no one was particularly sad about it because it really didn’t quite surprise them or anything but he figured he wouldn’t mention it to Lucy even though she might want to hear it he wasn’t going to mention it right now because that would have been a bummer and they were getting high there were no bummers today but later after they were stoned on hash they got hungry would you have guessed it?? they were ripped and stoned and decided to walk downtown to this great place to eat one of th
e great places to eat and it was new for both Maggie and Lucy because they’d never been to Berkeley hardly ever in big cities like that so the big city was this entirely big adventure walking downtown with all the hippies and yippies and dippies and street people and guitarists playing on street corners everywhere Lucy thought it was fantastic great and thought sometime she would bring the kids up and her mom just to see the fantastic sight of it and hear the great music that jingled all around them and some guy was playing a mandolin that made Maggie crazy the sound of it was so incredibly lovely that mandolin that beautiful far-a-way sound dazzling her right there in the middle of the street in the midst of all those strangers the sound of a mandolin drifted around her blurring the landscape like a hazy recollection the music sent its radiant sounds into the drowsy afternoon enchantingly the distance of the sound like a melancholy far-a-way melody one melody indivisible clinking like chimes in the afternoon breeze so she smiled and he nodded his head and smiled and said thank you and she said no thank you thank you and she walked on beside Albert Baker because Lucy was talking to Patrick to see what was cooking in Berkeley as curious as Lucy and wide eyed because she’d never seen so many people not at once and a guy was making a speech against the war and some other guy was freaking out dancing around and stuff and some people were trying to calm him and everyone had such long hair you couldn’t believe it guys and girls and beautiful girls and beautiful guys all tripping on this tie-dyed California day kaliedoscoping shades of sunlight like only California could do until they found the restaurant with outside tables and decided to sit there and have some good food because they were definitely hungry, starving you might say.
The Orange Blossom Express Page 31
