Beast Machine

by Brad McKinniss

  “Adolf, if you don’t do as The Flagship says, you will be killed – sooner or later,” said a woman with curly, dirty-blonde hair. She wore a black medal-less military uniform.

  Hitler grabbed the woman by the face. He gripped her face tightly and said, “I will never be overtaken! They helped build me up and now I’m going to tear them down! Germany will be the world power humanity needs! I am the king the world needs! The world is full of stupid, lazy humans and I will guide them to better lives!”

  He shoved her away. “How can we live in a world where you hate most of the inhabitants?” she pleaded. “Genocide isn’t guiding them anywhere. Please, Adolf, compromise with The Flagship – help them raise the beast from the catacombs in the Alps. They’ve put all of their resources into the Allied Powers!”

  Hitbear crumpled down on his stomach. Not one member of the group reacted to his fall, as they assumed he was just tired. He writhed gently and gripped his own skull hoping to rid his mind of his inhumane memories.

  “I will not be associated with that monster of a man,” whispered Hitbear to himself. “I am not that monster anymore. I am not that man.”

  Chapter 23

  Opening Statements

  Steenburgen grabbed her opening statement binder from her bulky purse that was covered with pictures of cats. It was hideous and smelly. The binder sat under the chair in between Chairman Obelis and Southwyck.

  Southwyck let out an audible, “Jesus Christ,” in reaction to the stench. Chairman Obelis just stared at the podium where Steenburgen would be beginning her opening statement. He had his typical bored look stretched across his face.

  She took a deep breath and began to speak, “Thank you, Bella Vistans, for having me here, tonight.” She spoke without any breaks; she must have been saving her energy for this moment. “I’d also like to thank my mother and my close friend, Shelly Gunderson, for helping me now and in the future on this campaign!”

  The crowd yawned. They had already made up their minds, it appeared, and were just waiting for Southwyck to speak. Two pairs of hands could faintly be heard clapping, likely from mother Steenburgen and Shelly Gunderson. Steenburgen gave her strange half smile.

  “To begin my opening statement, I’d like to state that we are all Arkansans and we all love this state more than any other thing in the world, except almighty God of course!” She pointed toward the ceiling. She appeared to be trying to appeal to the large Christian base in Bella Vista. “My plan to set Arkansas straight is all about Love AND Charity. I have been criticized, unfairly, before the race even began: for my weight, for my thoughts and for my plans for this wonderful state of ours!”

  Chairman Obelis was puzzled by her mention of God, as he thought the woman was likely an Agnostic person, or just merely a ‘spiritual’ person. “Why would she sacrifice her beliefs like that? Would the Christian base really be that against a person with a lack of faith? Would that same Christian base be fooled that easily?” His thoughts flittered.

  “We must love each other for my plans to work! Thank you: that is my opening statement.” Steenburgen returned to her chair and withdrew a large canteen. The canteen had a picture of one of her cats embroidered on one side. No one knew what was in the canteen, but it couldn’t be a healthy beverage.

  The crowd, Southwyck and Chairman Obelis were confused by Steenburgen’s short opening statement. It wasn’t much of anything other than proving that she could speak without having to gather her thoughts after three words. Southwyck and Chairman Obelis stared at one another with a strained and collective befuddlement. Creak went several chairs in the audience as everyone looked around at one another, wondering, “What the hell was that supposed to be about?”

  “Well, um,” muttered the announcer, “Thank you, Miss Steenburgen for your… your marvelous opening statement that did not even come close to the allotted time.” The announcer removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes with one hand. With his hand still in his eyes he said, “Now, Mr. Southwyck, would you please give us your opening statement? Preferably, an opening statement closer to the allotted time?”

  “Sure thing, chief!” Southwyck stated loudly as he rose from his chair. He looked over at Chairman Obelis with a shit-eating grin and winked.

  The crowd, now rip-roarious, clapped as Southwyck walked toward the podium assigned to him and adjusted his microphone. This was their guy. He was going to lead them to economic prosperity and he was a state hero, how could he do any wrong? What about his poor personal track record? “Forget-a-bout-it,” they all thought. “He wouldn’t let us down like that!”

  “Like my democratic opponent, the lovely Miss Steenburgen, I’d like to thank Bella Vista, and their wonderful citizens for having us here in this wonderful town of yours. I’m not sure who this, uh, Chairman Obelis fella is, but I’d like to thank him too!”

  Southwyck turned, again, toward Chairman Obelis with a shit-eating grin fashioned on his chubby mug. Chairman Obelis smiled back with restrained friendliness. Steenburgen didn’t flinch when her name was mentioned; she was so used to be taunted about her weight, looks and breathing problems that whenever her name was mentioned by an opponent or non-friend, she rarely reacted.

  “Unlike my democratic opponent,” continued Southwyck, “My opening statement will contain substance – and not the fatty kind of substance she shovels into her mouth six times a day!”

  The crowd burst into laughter. Not only was their guy a former football star, their guy was hilarious! The humor, albeit tasteless, was easing the tension in the crammed gymnasium. Steenburgen, again, didn’t flinch at the jab from Southwyck.

  “My three point plan will save Arkansas from this rut that the liberals and godless fornicators put us into!”

  The crowd stood up and applauded loudly. Only Jeffrey, the white-haired man and the announcer remained seated.

  “PIG SOOIE!” went the same fellows as before.

  “Settle down, settle down, let him speak,” said the announcer. The crowd sat down, but their excitement levels were palpable.

  “Point one: Lower taxes for the job creators. This one is pretty simple; I’m not sure how the Libs keep messing this up! How the hell can they give people jobs if they’re giving all their profits to the federal and state governments in the form of taxes? They can’t! We must lower their taxes to as low as legally possible because if the job creators and their companies are ever going to hire you or your children they are going to need as much money as possible, right!? It only makes sense!”

  The crowd stood up once again and applauded loudly, some even whistled in an approving tone. “Pig sooie” calls could be heard, but were drowned out by the loud clapping.

  “Quiet please, let him finish,” boomed the announcer louder than before. Only half of the crowd listened to the announcer, while the other half stayed on their feet waiting for the next jolt of excitement from Southwyck’s plan.

  “Point two: jail those that insult Christianity and our lord! So many times, especially my days at University of Arkansas – GO RAZORBACKS!” The crowd cheered loudly and once again the annoying “Pig sooie” calls could be heard diffusing through the crowd.

  Chairman Obelis was growing irritated by the constant pig sounds during a political event. The sour look on his normally bored face said it all. He couldn’t conceal the disdain he had for the idiocy of some in the audience.

  Southwyck continued on his second point, “So many times, I would be around heathens that would try to spite Him, insult Him, and take His name in vain and a slew of other unchristian things, including the devil’s work like homosexuality, adultery and abortion. I was so uncomfortable around those heathens and thugs, but I couldn’t do a damn thing about it because of the law protecting them and not us and our wonderful Christian God! The only God!” Southwyck reached both of his arms towards the ceiling as if he were hoping some divine intervention would occur. “God will help save us from our troubles! But we must protect Him here on Earth.”

 
The crowd stood up once more and cheered loudly. A handful of Bella Vistans in the crowd screamed vile, unchristian things like, “Kill all the faggots!” or “Jews to jail!” or “No Sharia Law here!” or “Fuck the Libtards!” It made the white haired man and Jeffrey thoroughly uncomfortable. Southwyck had gripped the crowd tightly with his flabby fist and refused to let go.

  “Please quiet down,” droned the announcer loudly, but to no avail this time. The crowd would not listen to him any longer. They were too riled up about the prospects of Southwyck’s three point plan.

  “Point three: Bring back hanging, the electric chair or firing squad as an option for the death penalty! Why should murderers and rapists be given a humane death? Did they give their victims a humane death or a gentle rape? No! Give the people the power to help their lord – our lord – smite those that have wronged Him and our fellow Christians! Heck, we could even bring back public stoning if the people want it! Or if the Bible tells us so!”

  The crowd went crazy with applause and louder pig sooie sounds. The scene was similar to a Baptist Megachurch after a preacher gave a sermon, or a controlled riot of joy seen at Klan rallies, or an Arkansas Football game after a game winning touchdown. Chairman Obelis felt uneasy in that moment. His look of sourness gave way to a look of hopelessness. Not hopelessness that he would lose – no, he would win regardless of what Southwyck says – but hopelessness in humanity.

  He knew that the people of Arkansas, especially rural Arkansas, were likely to hold conservative values, but he didn’t think that they would be so supportive of this sort of insanity. Bringing back the electric chair? Foisting religion on everyone in the state? Blaming Jews, Muslims, Liberals and homosexuals for Arkansas’s troubles? Madness. Maybe he will have to use the Carda Implant on all of them? “Yes I must,” he thought.

  “Thank you,” said the announcer over the thunderous crowd. “Thank you, Mr. Southwyck for your opening statement. Those were quite the, uh, messages to send to Arkansas and her citizens right away!” The announcer placed his glasses on the table and used his sleeves to rub the sweat off his face.

  “No, thank you all for listening and supporting my run for Governor of Arkansas!” said Southwyck. “I won’t let you down!”

  The crowd continued to cheer loudly until Southwyck backed away from his podium and sat firmly down on his chair near Steenburgen and Chairman Obelis. He still waved and pointed at people in the crowd as he sat.

  Steenburgen paid no mind to Southwyck, who was still suckling on her cat embroidered canteen filled with an unknown liquid, until Southwyck had plopped down next to her. Steenburgen glared out the side of her eye at Southwyck as he smiled from ear to ear. She knew after that opening statement she didn’t stand a chance against a former state-hero like Southwyck, regardless of his scummy past; she just wanted to appear better than the non-party affiliated newcomer.

  It was moments until Chairman Obelis would begin his opening statement to the crowd in the crammed Bella Vista gymnasium and his uneasiness began to proliferate through his mind. “Do these people even deserve to have a better life? Will these people even understand the opportunity I will be giving them?” he thought.

  He glared out into the crowd.

  “With the Carda implant, it won’t matter whether they realize the opportunity or not. Life will move forward for them,” he thought. “For the better.”

  “Mr. Huxley Obelis, it is your turn for an opening statement,” said the announcer. “Godspeed.” The crowd quieted and their interest piqued. The crowd knew they were going to vote for Southwyck all along, but they were so interested in hearing what a billionaire had to tell them. Billionaires, aside from of the Teltons from mega retailer Tel-Mart Plus, were unheard of in Arkansas.

  “Last but not least, I suppose?” joked Chairman Obelis. A few chuckles and pity laughs were given to Chairman Obelis. The white-haired man snorted loudly.

  “Like the other two candidates, I owe a great deal of thanks to the city of Bella Vista, its citizens and the entire state of Arkansas. I was not born in this wonderful state but I was raised and grew as a man here.”

  Southwyck quietly pulled out a flask from his suit jacket and took a heavy swig. He felt like it would be a good time to zone out and visualize what the ladies at the brothel were going to stick in his orifices later that night. He giggled to himself.

  “If you are like me, you want to keep this beautiful state, beautiful!” exclaimed Chairman Obelis. “But how are we going to keep this state beautiful? By lowering the taxes?” The crowd cheered. “By preaching about love and charity?” The crowd kept cheering. “By enforcing Biblical law?” The crowd rose to their feet and cheered loudly like they did for Southwyck. No “pig sooie” chants thankfully.

  “Quiet down, again, please,” droned the announcer. He was ready for this night to be over.

  Southwyck briefly looked up to see the crowd cheering. He figured it was a hallucination and went back to zoning out about his orifices.

  “This beautiful state will become a wasteland if you continue with those plans,” shouted Chairman Obelis into the microphone, causing a slight buzzing noise. The crowd fell silent. “Lowering taxes will destroy this state. The job creators do not give a lick about you. The job creators,” Chairman Obelis pantomimed air quotes, “want to use you and your children as slave labor for the present and future. You will be slaves if you elect a man like Southwyck.” Chairman Obelis pointed toward Southwyck. Southwyck didn’t hear what Chairman Obelis said and he didn’t care.

  The crowd sat down in befuddlement and mild anger. “What does he mean slave labor?” thought the crowd out loud. “We aren’t slaves. What’s he mean?”

  “We need taxes to help pay for infrastructure: think roads, bridges, trains. We need taxes to help pay for your children’s education, to pay for your healthcare, to pay for Arkansas to be great again!”

  The crowd began to grow angry. “How dare he think about taxes in a good light!”said members of the crowd. “We’ve always been told taxes are bad!” “Yeah! Taxes are bullshit!” Louder and louder mutterings could be heard from the crowd.

  “You also can’t preach about ‘Love & Charity’ without an actual plan! Love & Charity will do us no good as a worthless platitude. We need solid education, strong infrastructure, life-saving healthcare! Taxing the rich will bring us to the upper echelons of all U.S. states! Hell, it could set the example for the other states in the Union! We would legitimately become a force to be reckoned with on the world stage!”

  The crowd began to boo loudly. BOOOOO! Jeffrey worried that Chairman Obelis was losing the crowd for good. BOOOOO!

  “And that biblical nonsense? It’s just nonsense. How does trying to outlaw criticism seem patriotic to any of you?” BOOOOO! “It isn’t and you people aren’t. Biblical law would allow those in power to dictate what you do and how you do it. Use your own brain for once!” BOOOOO!

  Chairs, cell phones, lipstick, and even a dirty diaper began to fly at Chairman Obelis. Southwyck – finally coherent again – and Steenburgen laughed together at the third party representative blowing it in front of them. BOOOOO!

  Jeffrey and the white-haired man quickly exited the gymnasium to avoid being pelted by the crowd. BOOOO! Chairman Obelis boldly kept speaking at the podium. The announcer had given up and briskly stepped out of the gymnasium.

  “If you don’t want to help your damn selves, I’ll have to force you!” shouted Chairman Obelis as more shoes, chairs, purses, hats, even pocket knives were thrown at him.

  Chapter 24

  A Lesson In Science

  Gora was in a better frame of mind before beginning the second mission of revenge. She hated the blood, the gore, the senseless lizard-love-making – hated it all, but she loved knowing that Spotila was dead. She loved knowing he will never call her vile, putrid names. She loved knowing that he will never harm another reptile. She loved knowing that she was the one that helped create a being that killed Spotila.

  “S
o, what’s the deal with this next one?” asked Hitbear. He was chewing on an unsliced loaf of bread. “Did she try to bomb England?” He laughed alone.

  “No,” said Gora sternly. “Doctor Bridget Borehole was one of the first to spread rumors of my falsified deceit toward Silva. I became furious when she began to spread sick lies about me, especially since she never tried to verify the rumors. She always wanted to be the first one to bite on a story and spread it to the masses. She didn’t give a flying fuck if the rumors were true or not, as long as it made someone else look like shit.” Gora was staring blankly into space, concentrating. She wanted to see Borehole dead much more than Spotila. “She never cared about science, just the popularity that came with it – in the science associations and communities that is, since science still is widely seen as ‘nerdy’ for some reason. It’s gaining traction in the mainstream now, I guess.”

  “Ah,” said Tubman. “No one likes people making situations worse than they already are. What else do we not like about this Dr. Borehole, Gora?” Tubman wasn’t one to complain about seeking revenge, but she was starting to think Gora was being thin-skinned and disliked these other scientists for exceptionally petty reasons.

  “Worst part about her: she’s a climate change denier,” said Gora.

  “A what?” asked the three beasts together. The puzzled beasts gave looks to one another and then all landed their eyes on Gora.

  “Come again?” asked Hitbear.

  “Seriously?” asked Gora. “Did none of that information I had added to you actually make it to your brains?” Gora flared her nose and brushed her eyebrows furiously. “Ugh, I guess you all are from a different time; a time before we gave a shit about the environment. All three of you were alive during some of the most polluted decades of humanity.”

  “I thought the Earth just refreshed itself every so often?” asked Hitbear. “How can humans be harming the environment in any significant way? Sure, humans can cause certain animals or plants to go extinct, but that’s it. There seriously can’t be an issue with the climate on Earth. It’s natural for it to change every so often, we, er, humans don’t control that.”