by Amy Brent
Did it still smell like her?
She finally pointed at the small bistro table, and I saw the computer there. “Thank you.” I picked it up and looked around the cottage slowly before leaving to go back to mine. I sat down on the couch and powered it up, finding the airline already in the search history. I shook my head. She made her own way home by using this computer, and that hit me in a place deep inside. If I’d had my computer with me instead of at her cottage, would Lily still be here? If we hadn’t made love on the beach that day, would she still be here?
I could ask myself a million questions that wouldn’t help me at all right now. I focused on getting a flight home and packing my things. I told the partners that something came up and I had to leave, which wasn’t a big deal since the work portion of the trip was completed.
I called for a cab, taking it to the airport with an empty feeling inside. I didn’t know what would happen now, because the timing was off. I had planned to leave for home with Lily knowing that I loved her. I wanted to leave with her being mine and looking forward to a future. The last time we made love played back through my mind, and I saw her face as she came as quietly as possible. It had been a beautiful moment despite the harsh words beforehand and even afterward, making me hate that it might have been the last time I ever felt Lily in my arms.
I dozed off during the flight, waking up when I arrived home. It tormented me that Lily had done this same trip alone, making me wonder if she was as torn apart as I was. I left the plane, getting my stuff before I took a cab home.
The apartment looked the same. There was no trace of what had happened in here, and I wondered if I could make it all go away. I thought of the saying about Vegas and how what happened there stayed there, but this was love. I wanted Lily.
I knew the entire firm would be coming home tomorrow and work would resume next week. I didn’t want to give Lily any space now that I was back, but it was clearly what she’d wanted when she left.
I lay in bed that night wondering if she was curled up with her boyfriend in their home. I couldn’t imagine her being at peace with herself right now, not after I saw all the feelings on her face, in her eyes, the past couple days. I knew how she felt every time that we were in bed together, and I knew it was more than just sex for both of us. It was everything.
I had a moment of weakness when I woke up alone and sent a text to her work phone. I didn’t know if she would even have it on, but I waited for a response. I’d make things so much worse if I used her personal phone. I didn’t want to do that to Lily, as much as I wanted to claim her as mine. I wanted her happy no matter what, and blowing up her life wouldn’t do that.
I could wait until work, where we could talk privately.
I dressed for work that Tuesday in my favorite suit, determined to get my girl. I looked put together and confident when I drove in, though I feared what might happen inside. I left the car and walked to my office, knowing I’d never felt like this returning to work after one of the annual trips before. There was the occasional awkwardness that followed a one-night stand with a colleague or fights with Nadine if she didn’t come along with me, but nothing like this.
I was earlier than everyone else, and I assumed they were all still recovering from the getaway. I remembered the last dinner being a time of relaxation, partying, and letting loose. It was the night that a lot of careless things happened, based on my experience. There were a lot of apologies in my past from that night and others on trips that I could remember, but I didn’t regret a single thing about Lily. It was more than a night or a drunk moment.
I sat down at my desk with the door open, warming up my computer and looking over the city. It was beautiful in a different way than Belize was, since the memories I had of Lily transcended both places, but this was home. I went to make some coffee, and I saw the one woman in the firm I didn't want to see standing in the room. “You have a break room. Why are you here?” I let all my bitterness in my voice, not holding back since we were alone.
“I wanted to talk. You left so suddenly,” Marilyn said as she turned to look at me. Her surface beauty was marred by her selfish intentions, and I narrowed my eyes at her.
“About what?” I asked, and she smiled and tossed her hair.
“I won’t tell anyone about you and your assistant if you continue what we started in Belize, Landon. I want more than I got,” she said.
I thought about her words. I could get into some trouble for being with Lily and possibly lose my job, but I also had a lot of years here and far more security than she did.
“I think we could be good together,” she said.
“I don’t want you, Marilyn,” I told her. Ice flashed in her eyes. “I never did, and I don’t remember anything that happened between us; nor do I want to. I was drunk, and you know I wasn’t truly in the moment. Why continue that?”
“You’re willing to lose everything for her?” She was stunned, and I made my coffee with shaking hands.
“You and I both know I will be here longer than you are. In time, everyone will know that you’re looking out for yourself, Marilyn. I wouldn’t doubt if they already do.” I turned and looked into her pale face. “Leave me alone and don’t you even look at her. I can have you fired so fast that your head will spin.”
I walked past her to my office. The woman I loved was sitting at her desk and getting ready to work. She was beautiful, but I saw the sadness in her face as she stared at her monitor while it warmed up. She glanced over to see me approaching her, and her eyes widened as a frown crossed her face. “Are you okay? Jasmine said that you had to return home early.” I kept my tone even as a flurry of emotions crossed her face.
“Fine,” was her clipped answer. She avoided any eye contact with me, looking pained.
“Come into the office when you’re settled in. I have something I want you to go over with me.” I walked through my door once I’d spoken and played back her tortured face in my mind. There was a lot of pain there, and I didn’t know why, but I was going to get to the bottom of things when she walked in here.
Lily
I knew he wanted to see me, and as his assistant, I needed to go in there. I also knew it wasn’t business he wanted to discuss, and my heart sank at the idea of facing the pain that had haunted me since I’d looked into his cottage that night. I went to make coffee to kill some time, listening idly to talk about the trip and how much fun it had been. I wish that had been the case for me.
I’d come home with a broken heart. I’d come home to change my life and try to put the pieces back together. I walked back to my desk slowly, feeling the ache in my body as I thought about everything. When I got back to my desk, my phone was lit up, and I picked it up to see a text from Brian.
He was so innocent in all of this.
I shoved the phone into the drawer with my purse and locked it before I took a deep breath. I just needed to get this over with. I tapped at Landon’s cracked door before I heard him tell me to come inside. I straightened my black dress with my hands. “You needed to see me?” I asked as I gave him a hesitant look.
“Close the door,” Landon said, and I nodded and pushed it behind me until I heard the click of it shutting tightly. “Why did you leave?” He came around his desk and stepped toward me as I pushed myself against the door. I knew how private this office was, and I licked my lips as he cupped my face, staring into my eyes.
“Stop. Don’t touch me,” I choked out, tears filling my eyes.
“What?” He sounded shocked as I found the strength to push him away.
“I saw you with her. I saw her in your cottage holding you,” I said, and Landon’s eyes widened. “I was going to tell you that I loved you, that I wanted you. I didn’t know I was so replaceable.” His eyes looked haunted, and I pressed my hands against the door, still feeling his warmth.
“You’re not,” he protested, and I gave him a long, searching look. “I thought it was you when I got the door. I guess you didn’t come back bef
ore that?” Landon looked at me hopefully before I shook my head painfully. “I got sloppy drunk going over what happened, Lil. I answered the door and don’t remember anything until I woke up on my couch.”
“So you slept with her,” I said in a strained voice.
“It wasn’t me, whatever happened. I’ll never trust that bitch to tell me the truth, Lily. She is out for herself and nothing else, so she’ll make it benefit her. I can tell you that I never wanted her at all. It’s you. I want you.” Landon stared into my face, into my wide, frightened eyes, before he pressed his forehead against mine. “I just want to turn back time and change the part that changed us. I wanted to come home feeling you beside me.”
“I was going to tell you that before I saw her. It was hours after we were…together, and you were in another woman’s arms. I don’t care that you were drunk, Landon. You’re not twenty-one anymore, and you have more control of yourself than that.” I hated that he was an older, mature man and acted so much like Brian in that single way.
“I was fucking miserable after you walked away from me. If I didn’t drink, I would have been at your door breaking it down. You needed space, and I needed to escape,” Landon said. Tears slid down my cheeks. He kissed my lips softly, still lighting a fire inside me. “I never intended for anything to happen, if it even did. I only want you.”
I parted my lips as he kissed me again, wanting to push him away even as my arms circled his neck. It didn’t fix anything, but it felt so good as he pressed his body against mine until I felt him hard against me. I pulled away, looking down as he glanced between our bodies. “You were that way for her.”
“I don’t fucking know if I was. I don’t remember,” Landon said, and I closed my eyes. “You came home to him in your bed, Lily. How am I supposed to feel about that?”
I did come home to Brian, surprising him as he slept. I was exhausted and emotional, and I turned his kiss into something carnal, fucking him hard as he gripped my hips. I knew it would replace the feeling of Landon inside me, which had made me ill when I’d seen him with Marilyn. I needed to get all traces of Landon a shower couldn’t touch off my body, and Brian coming inside me was supposed to do that.
It only made me feel worse, and I lay awake after he went back to sleep, holding me in his arms.
“Do you think I felt good about that?” I asked as I slid away from him and walked to the window. “I hate myself for what I did to him. That isn’t who I am, or at least who I was. The last few days have been horrible, Landon.” Tears slipped down my cheeks uncontrollably as I felt him move behind me. “It changed everything.”
“What do you mean?” he asked. I took a deep, shuddering breath.
“I had to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror, inside my heart. I hurt people, both you and Brian.”
I didn’t want to pretend it had never happened at all, because I knew it would haunt me inside. I shrugged Landon’s hands off my shoulders before he pulled me against him and kissed my neck, and I cried when I felt my body heat up for him. I still wanted Landon, and I allowed his hands to slide up my body as I pressed against the window.
“I hate myself, Landon,” I said.
“Don’t,” he said. His hands cupped my breasts, my nipples hardening under the lace of my bra as I imagined his mouth on Marilyn. Did he do this with her as well? “We got carried away.” His mouth sucked the tender skin of my neck between his lips, and I felt an odd sense of relief that I wasn’t cheating on anyone right now.
I’d ended it with Brian yesterday after a long time of thinking. He’d wanted more from me than I could give, his eyes pleading with me to tell him why.
I felt bare fingers on my pert skin as Landon tugged on me, and I moaned, craving him inside me. I wanted him to fuck me the way I deserved. I needed punishment. I hadn’t told Brian what had happened to bring me to my decision. I hadn’t been willing to hurt him any more than I already had.
That being said, I still wasn’t free for Landon. I needed some space, even as he turned me toward him for a heated kiss. This would be sex and nothing more, because I was dead inside now. Landon carried me to the couch, sliding my dress off after he assured me that the door was locked. I allowed it, needing his lips and teeth on me. I asked for more, needing pain, as he stared into my face. I needed closure even though the idea made me sick somewhere deep inside.
He slipped his hand over my throbbing clit. Fuck. I jerked against him as I reached out to undo his pants and release him. Landon stroked me hard as I wrapped my hand around him, ready to come as he slipped a finger inside me and continued to stroke my pussy.
“Baby, it’s only you I want. Please believe me.” Landon continued to beg as I spread my legs wide and rocked against him before covering his hand in my release. “I love you, Lily.”
I gasped and moved on to my stomach, my ass in the air. “Fuck me,” I whispered, but then something crossed my mind. “Wear a condom.” I heard him let out a breath before he left to go to his desk. I heard a wrapper and then he was inside me.
“I’ll get tested. I’ll do anything,” Landon said as we rocked together, one of his hands on my hip while the other cupped my breast. “I just want you.”
My body clung to him, and my heart wanted to do the same. When I came again, I heard him moan my name before he jerked clumsily. There was no heat of his release meeting mine, no trace of him anymore. “Lily, oh fuck. I can’t live without you.”
Landon dropped against me as we both took deep breaths. “I needed that last time with you,” I told him as he stilled against my body. “I am giving you my resignation today, Landon. I received an offer from a firm across the city and accepted it.”
“Brown and Caldwell?” he asked, and I nodded. He leaned down to kiss my hair. “I knew they were going to be contacting you.”
“I accepted the job,” I told him, feeling tears in my eyes. “I am going to prove that I am a good worker and not just someone you want to move to benefit us. I am going to do this all on my own.” My heart was breaking as I felt him pull out of me to drop onto the couch beside me.
“What?”
“I ended things with Brian, but not to be with you. I wanted to stop putting him in a place where he’d keep getting hurt, as well as to stop hating myself,” I said. Landon sat quietly and listened. “I am going to stay in my apartment on my own and take the time to settle into my new job. If I told you I’d be with you, I know it would be a lie. I can’t get the image out of my head of you with her, not when I wanted you so badly at that moment. It is just there, and I need to move past it alone.”
“When do you start?” he asked, and I sighed.
“One week from today. They wanted me to start sooner, but out of respect for you, I compromised.” I heard him let out a breath as he reached over to take my hand. “I am not going to contact you after I am gone.”
“Do you love me?” Landon asked. I stared forward.
“Yes, more than anything, but it is wrapped in guilt and all of the wrong that I’ve done. I blame myself as much as I do you…we’re even here. I knew what I was doing when I went to Belize, but I didn’t think it would hurt so much to see you with someone else. I was so wrapped up in need, and I fucked up by staying with you. I got into something I couldn’t handle. I need to heal now and figure out who the hell I am.”
“You’re Lily. You’re a beautiful, compassionate woman who feels so hard and who made a mistake. Life isn’t pretty, as you know. It is difficult, and you learn things the hard way sometimes.” I looked at him to see his eyes intent on me as he tried to smile. “We’ve all been there. I hate myself for losing control and knowing that you saw me in my cottage like that. We both know we needed to be together, but it didn’t happen that way.” His eyes locked on mine. “I am going to miss you around here.”
I walked out to my desk a little while later with his blessing for the job, even though it didn’t make me feel any better. I still felt blank inside and not at all like myself, but I
was going to make it through this.
I spoke to my aunt every night, pouring my heart out to her. Brian moved out right away, and I was alone, fighting the urge to call Landon every moment as I prepared for the beginning of my new life. We saw each other at work, but I was busy training my replacement and only spent any real time with Jasmine.
She knew everything as well. She didn’t judge me while I cried and let my feelings out at my now-empty apartment. Jasmine talked to me as all the emotions flooded me and helped me through the long nights.
The week I was still with Landon, every day passed by too quickly. Soon I was walking out of those doors forever. His new assistant was a perky blonde and she was smart, someone who would help him a lot. I didn’t think about any other possibilities as I met Jasmine for dinner and drinks, toasting my new job. It was a brilliant company, just as Landon had told me, and I knew it would be a great step for my future. I just wish it was happening under different circumstances.
I went to the new office every day, smiling and ready to learn. I did so much of that, using what Landon had taught me as well as what my new supervisor did. Murphy was a smart man who had been in law just over twenty years, and he had been a partner for most of that time. They handled finances for some of the wealthiest people in the world, protecting celebrities from fraud and theft. I knew it was an excellent opportunity, but still.
I went to see my aunt Amy the first weekend after I started. We stayed up late eating ice cream and watching movies once I met her boyfriend over dinner and drinks. He was caring and funny, everything that I had ever wanted for my aunt after she took over caring for me. She looked happy and so in love, making me feel bittersweet inside as I celebrated their happiness while I was so alone.
Landon
Life was empty without Lily. I felt worse than when I’d split up with Nadine, but I kept a smile on my face as I went to work every day and pretended everything was fine. The trip had been beautiful, and according to what I told everyone in the firm, I had enjoyed myself. I laughed at their stories of the beaches and the drinks. They had done what normal people did when they were at a beach or a bar; they didn’t fall in love with their assistant as they fucked her behind closed doors and behind foliage.
