“You wanted more information? How could you keep something like this from me? I share everything with you; meanwhile, you’re sitting on this shit?” Hurt doesn’t begin to explain how I feel. I’m wounded she couldn’t confide in me something so significant, and I’m destroyed by the possibilities of what she’s told me could mean.
“I’m selfish, I know! I wanted to hang on to the fairy tale a little while longer before it was wiped away by the truth, okay?”
She looks down at her hands as she picks her nails. “I was afraid it would be too much. You hear about people who leave their partners after they get sick all the time. I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to take on that burden, so I waited. I just found out I have cancer, I wasn’t prepared to deal with losing you too.” Her voice shakes while her words about bring me to my knees.
Rushing over to her, I throw my arms around her and hold her tight. Her tiny body shakes in my embrace. “It hurts you think so little of me after all this time,” I admit. “But I’m not going anywhere.”
She pulls away and moves over to the couch as a barrage of questions circle my mind, but only one leaves my mouth. “What kind of cancer?” She’s young and healthy. She doesn’t smoke; she’s not out in the sun a lot. What could it be?
“It started as cervical cancer, but it’s in my uterus now too.”
“How bad?”
“Stage two.”
She gestures for me to sit on the couch with her and tells me everything the doctor said. She watches me with a careful eye, seeing if she’s going to scare me off, but it just makes me want to stay even more. I have to help her in any way I can. I want to be by her side the entire fight for her life.
“Why are you pushing me away then?” I finally ask.
“It’s just too much, Sean. I was doing some research on what to expect during chemo and everything else, and I can’t burden you like that.”
My teeth clench together as I grind my jaw. “You’re not a burden.”
“But I will be. Why would you want to deal with that?”
“Because I love you!” I all but shout at her.
Her eyes well with tears as she shakes her head. “No. Stop.”
“How do you not see that by now, Paige?” I interrupt her. “You’re always running from me and it’s time you stop. Let me be there for you.”
“This is different,” she whispers. “Before I was protecting myself, now I’m protecting you. Why would you want to stick around to watch me die?”
My eyes widen and anger passes through my body so fast it almost goes unnoticed. “Goddammit! You’re not going to die!” I growl at her.
She flinches, taken aback by my outburst. “You don’t know that, and I’d rather have you remember me like I am now, than the way I’ll look before I pass.”
I stand up abruptly, all this talk about her death stirring up unexplained emotions within me. I want to break shit. I want to take a baseball bat and smash everything within my reach. Why is this happening?
My hands rake through my dark blond hair and pull on the ends. If she thinks I’m walking, she’s got another thing coming. After I pace away my anger, I sit back down beside her where I notice a few tears rolling down her cheeks. Using my thumb, I wipe them away and cup her face.
“I thought you knew me by now, but since you don’t, let me clue you in on a few things.” Releasing her face and holding both her hands in mine, I say, “I’m a stubborn and determined bastard. I never take no for an answer and I have a whole slew of funny jokes. But most importantly, I never give up on the people I love. So unless you want me out of your life forever, you’re stuck with me.”
She sniffs before wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “There’s a good chance I won’t be able to give you certain things though. I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay if that happens.”
“Like what?”
“Kids. There’s a possibility the radiation could kill off all my eggs.”
My face remains stoic, but on the inside I’m wrecked. I want nothing more than to have a bunch of babies with Paige, but more than that, I just want her. “Look, let’s take this one step at a time. I’m just trying to get you to move in with me. We have plenty of time to discuss kids later.” I’m hoping the humor in my voice brings a little levity to the situation. If I have to fake it to make her feel better, that’s what I’ll do. I’m rewarded with an eye roll and the corner of her mouth pulling upward.
“In all seriousness, I can’t move in with you right now. Maybe in the future, but I have way too much going on and I can’t add one more thing to my plate.”
She delivers blow after blow and I honestly don’t know how I’m not flipping my shit right now. My brows pull down in confusion. “Is our relationship taxing for you or something?” The twitch of her lips shows she knows I’m kidding. Sort of.
“Not our relationship. Me.” She lets out a long sigh. “You know how I am. I get in my own head way too much and I don’t have the strength to talk myself off the ledge constantly when it comes to us.”
“Where will you go?” She has to be out of her condo this weekend.
“I’m going to put most of my stuff in storage, and Scarlett is going to let me stay in her extra bedroom.”
My heart aches knowing she’s talked this through with Scarlett and left me in the dark. “Do you love me?” I swallow hard afraid to hear the answer. Her eyes widen in surprise and I know putting her on the spot could backfire. Her mouth parts but nothing comes out. “Do you love me?” I repeat.
Maintaining eye contact, I see her grab courage by the balls, sit up straight and answer with absolute clarity. “Yes.”
“Do you know that I love you?”
Without hesitation, she says, “Yes.”
The shattered pieces of my heart come to life, but are weighed down by the distance she’s trying to wedge between us. “Then why can’t I be the one to take care of you?”
Her shoulders slump forward and I know she wants me to drop this, but I won’t. I can’t. I need to know why she’s pushing me away again.
“I already told you why.”
“No, you gave me some bullshit excuse. I want to know the real reason.”
She shakes her head, the pain clear in her eyes as she tries to avoid telling me the truth. “I can’t let you see me like that,” she whispers.
“Paige, nothing is going to make me think less of—”
“If you can’t respect that, then this isn’t going to work out.” Her focus remains on her hands as she diverts her gaze from mine.
Clenching my jaw, I realize I have two options. Be patient and take this at her pace again, or push the issue and risk losing her forever. I open my mouth to respond, hating that I’m about to concede to her. “Okay.” The relief on her face kills me. “Under one condition,” I add.
“What?” she asks with trepidation.
“No more secrets. You keep me in the loop from now on.”
“No more secrets,” she agrees.
Holding my arm out to her, she snuggles into my side.
“Thank you.” Her words cut through the silence.
“Anything for you, Paige. Anything for you.”
The rest of the night is spent quietly watching television, but neither of us pay attention to it. We’re held hostage by our thoughts until I go home later in the evening.
Once I get back to my place, I go to my bedroom and do something I haven’t done in I don’t know how long.
I cry.
I cry for the pain she’s about to endure, the injustice of it all, and the fear of the unknown. I have to believe she’ll knock cancer on its ass or I don’t know what the hell I’ll do. She’s the first woman I’ve ever cared about like this and the thought of losing her forever is crippling.
I just got her.
I’ll be damned if cancer thinks it’s going to take her.
Paige
AFTER THE STRESSFUL week I’ve had, I needed some girl time. Scarlett,
Lydia, Charlotte, and I are sitting in a row of chairs while our feet soak in hot water. When Lydia suggested pedicures, I was all over it. She made us appointments and I was ready to go.
“How is Nathaniel doing?” I ask Charlotte.
“He’s good, but I’ll be happy when he starts sleeping through the night. I know he’s only two months old, but I’m starting to feel it.” She does look exhausted. Charlotte is always put-together with her hair and makeup done when we go out. Today she’s in yoga pants and a T-shirt.
“How’s Nate with him?” Lydia questions.
“He’s amazing. I’m so glad he switched positions at work. I don’t know how we would function if he was traveling all the time still. Oh!” she says, her eyes going wide. “Did I tell you what happened to him the other night?” She’s already giggling and hasn’t even told us yet.
“No,” we reply.
“The other night Nate got up with me to change his diaper while I got a bottle ready. He’s on the bed with the baby lying in front of him. Nate holds the baby’s legs back to wipe him and he poops everywhere. It was like lava.” My mouth drops in horror while the other girls make noises of disgust. “It was all over the comforter, Nate, it was so gross. And all I could think was I’m so glad that wasn’t me.” We laugh at poor Nate’s expense.
It feels like we’re back in college as our conversation switches to boy talk. Except now half of us are married and gush over their spouses. “Speaking of men, how are things with you and Sean?” Lydia asks in a singsong voice.
My focus turns toward the girl massaging my feet, hating the attention on me and my love life. “We’re good,” I say with a shrug.
“Uh, no. I want details,” she persists.
I pause and bite my lip, not sure if I’m ready to announce the new turn in our relationship. But as I take in the impatient gazes of my friends, I decide to spill the beans. “He told me he loved me.” My words are soft, and I wonder if they heard me above the noise in the nail salon.
“Geez, for such a smart girl you really are clueless sometimes. Of course he loves you! How have you not known?” Charlotte shakes her head and rolls her eyes at my apparent lack of observation.
“Did you say it back?” Lydia leans over her chair like she’s waiting on some juicy piece of gossip. I half expect her to be salivating right now. The image alone makes me laugh.
“Yeah,” I admit shyly.
“Woo!” Scarlett hollers. “It’s about time!” The other girls shout their agreement as I shake my head in mild embarrassment over the scene they’re creating.
“Is he okay with you living with me now?”
“I don’t think so, but I didn’t give him much choice. It was either he accepted I was moving in with you, or we’d go our separate ways.”
Silence meets my ears so I chance a look at the girls and I wish I didn’t. I already felt like a bitch pulling that card, but their looks of disbelief and disapproval solidify how shitty I am.
“You told him that after he said he loved you?” Charlotte doesn’t try to hide the incredulity in her tone.
“No need for the guilt trip, I already feel like an ass.”
“I’ll never understand what your deal is with that guy. You’ve been fighting him tooth and nail every step of the way. Most men would have bailed,” she adds.
I go for honesty. “It scares me. I vividly remember what it’s like to be so heartbroken it hurts to breathe, and I never want to feel that way again. So what if I want to take things slow,” I tell them, getting defensive. “There’s no rule book on how to date and at this point, I’m taking everything one day at a time.”
I expect someone to reply, but they’re all quiet. “What if I can’t get rid of it? Getting closer to Sean will only make it harder in the end. I’m not saying I’ll never move in with him, I just can’t right now.” I look down at my lap, my mood going from lighthearted and happy, to depressed and melancholy in mere minutes.
“Hey, we’re only teasing,” Lydia says apologetically.
“It’s okay. Besides, it’s nothing I haven’t said myself. He’s more patient than I deserve.”
“You deserve the world, Paige. Don’t let anyone make you think differently.” I give Scarlett a small smile, and our conversation carries on.
The scariest moments of my life lie in front of me, but I know with my friends by my side, I can get through anything. These are the most amazing group of girls I’ve ever met and I’m so grateful I get to call them my friends.
Sean
I DOWN THE rest of my scotch and slam my glass down on the bar. A slap to the back startles me as I focus on the burn going down my throat.
“She’s going to be okay,” Marcus tries to reassure me. After helping Paige move into Scarlett’s today, I needed to leave. It was hard watching box after box be unloaded when they weren’t going to my place. Marcus could sense my mood and offered to buy me a beer. I opted for something harder instead.
“But what if she’s not?” It’s the one question I’ve not dared say aloud for fear it’ll come true.
“You can’t think like that, man. You need to be strong for her.”
“You don’t think I don’t know that? How would you feel if Lydia got sick?”
“No need to get defensive, I’m just trying to help. You forget I almost lost Lydia too. It’s the most crippling, earth-shattering experience you’ll ever go through. But you can’t run through the what ifs. It’ll drive you crazy.”
Now I feel like an asshole because he’s right. Being a cop might have prepared him for a lot of things, but watching Lydia die in front of him wasn’t one of them. “Sorry, bro, I’m just a wreck right now. First she tells me she’s known she has cancer, then she tells me she won’t move in. My head is all over the place.”
“Lydia told me the other day she was moving in with Scarlett.” I can’t tell if the burn in my gut is from the scotch or knowing that Marcus probably knew before I did.
“Did she say anything else about it?” Maybe Paige told Lydia something she isn’t sharing with me.
He shakes his head. “Not really. Why?”
“Just wondering if she said anything about pushing me away.” My hand shoots up, letting the bartender know I need another one.
“Patience,” he reiterates his advice from weeks ago. “Focus on the positives and not the negatives, okay?”
“Positives? Like what?” Sorry for being dense, but I fail to see the positive in this situation.
“She caught it early. Paige said it herself that a lot of times cervical cancer can go undetected without regular checkups. It’s treatable, and from everything her docs are saying, her odds look good.”
My hand runs through my hair. “That’s true.” I’m still worried and stressed beyond belief, but his words help calm me. Then an idea hits. “What if we do something to take Paige’s mind off of things? I know she’s nervous about her next appointment and starting treatment, so I want to help her forget, if only for an afternoon.”
“What do you have in mind?” he asks.
“Would it be dumb to throw her a party? Like a let’s kick cancer’s ass party?”
His head tilts back and forth as he contemplates my idiotic idea. I mean, who does that?
Hey, you have cancer. Let’s celebrate!
“You know what? That’s not a bad idea, actually. I could get Lydia and the other girls in on it if you want me to,” he offers.
“Yeah, that’d be great.”
I just hope Paige thinks this is a good idea too.
A week later and Scarlett is putting the finishing touches on our surprise party. Lydia took Paige out for some much needed pampering while we got my house ready. To be honest, Scarlett is doing most of it while I stand off to the side and admire her work.
Scarlett decided to go with a superhero theme, and it’s perfect. It’s badass and feisty like Paige but also ties into the battle she has ahead of her.
“This is pretty cool,” I tell her.
“Yeah, where did you come up with this idea anyway?” she asks.
“I don’t know. She looks like the weight of the world is on her shoulders, and I wanted to do something to distract her. I also wanted her to go into this on a positive note. She has a long, hard road ahead of her. Why not start it off with a party filled with the people who care about her?”
I never thought I’d see the day Scarlett’s eyes would mist over, but they are now. “You’re a good guy, Sean.”
“Don’t tell Paige that.” I give her a wink.
There’s definitely some underlying tension between Paige and me, but we’re managing. I see the fear written all over her face when she thinks I’m not looking and it guts me. We’re both scared and trying to hide it and I don’t know how to make it better. I’m there for her in any way I can be and hold on to hope that this will make us stronger in the end.
I freeze when there’s a knock on the door. Looking at my watch, I know it can’t be Lydia and Paige yet.
“Sorry I’m late,” Charlotte says when I open the door. “I meant to be here an hour ago, but then the baby kept crying and then he spit up all over my clothes and in my hair.” She lets out a sigh. “It’s been a hectic day.”
“Sounds like it,” I respond amused.
“So, what do you need me to do?” She looks around waiting for instruction.
“I don’t know. Ask Scarlett. She won’t let me help.”
Charlotte spins around and looks at her expectantly. “Do you guys want to hang the streamers from the ceiling?”
“Yep,” I reply, happy to not only contribute, but give me something to do. Waiting for Paige to get here is killing me. The fear that she’ll hate this and be upset ties my stomach in knots. The only thing that keeps me from calling the whole thing off is the optimism of her friends. If they like this, then surely she will too, right?
At Her Own Risk Page 12
