“I don’t understand it either,” I sez. “Tell you what, Pookie. Since they aren’t respondin’ to Beauty, what say we give the Beast a try?”
“Excuse me?” she sez, blinkin’.
I give her my best smile.
“Change me back to my normal appearance and let me give it a shot.”
“Why not?” she sez. “I’ve been batting zero so far. In fact, while I’m at it, I’ll give Spyder and myself a redo as well. That way we can always try the ‘survey team’ bit a try again later.”
A few magical passes later, and I am my old self again. Mind you, a disguise spell doesn’t actually change you physically, just your appearance. Still, it’s good to know people are seein’ the real me once again.
“Okay, Guido,” Pookie sez, “it’s your turn now. Pick your target.”
“That place across the way looks as good as any,” I sez, pointin’.
“Robb’s Hardware and Sporting Goods?” Pookie sez, readin’ the sign. “Okay. Anything we should do to back your play?”
“Nothin’ special,” I sez. “Just wander around the place slow and handle stuff. That and smile a lot.”
With that, I lead the way across the street and through the doors into the store.
The guy behind the counter homes in on us as soon as we make our entrance, and not just because we’re the only other ones in the place. As I noted earlier, my normal appearance tends to draw attention.
“Can... can I help you?” he sez hesitantly.
Pookie and Spyder ignore him and start driftin’ down the aisles, pickin’ up stuff and lookin’ at it careful before puttin’ it down. I lean on the counter and do the talkin’, lookin’ around the place and not at the guy.
“I’d like to speak with the owner, if he has the time,” I sez.
“I’m... That would be me,” the guy sez. “I’m Robb.”
“This is your establishment?” I sez, crankin’ my head around to look at him direct for the first time.
“Well... Yes.”
I go back to lookin’ around, payin’ particular attention to the ceiling. “Nice little place you got here,” I sez, thoughtful-like. “Good location. Solid inventory. Yes sir. A really nice place. Shame if anything happened to it.”
“Happened? Like what?” Robb sez, lickin’ his lips.
“Ya never can tell,” I sez. “A fire. Broken windows. Trouble with a small business is that it’s a marginal operation. The littlest accident and it could go under, not to mention a lot of little accidents.”
The guy is lookin’ nervous now, and keeps glancin’ at Spyder and Pookie. They’re still handling things... real carefully... and smilin’.
“Um... Is there anything I can help you with?” he sez. “Anything specific you’re looking for?”
“As a matter of fact,” I sez, “what I’m lookin’ for is some information. There’s a rumor goin’ around that I’m tryin’ to run down.”
“Well, there’s a bar just down the street,” Robb sez eagerly. “The bartender there knows everything about what’s going on around here.”
“You don’t say? Right down the street, huh?” I brings my eyes back around to stare at him again. “The trouble with that is that I’m not down the street. I’m right here. And the one I’m talkin’ to is you. You got a problem with that?”
“N... No. Of course not,” he sez. “What is it that you wanted to know?”
“What it is, you see, is that I represent a... an association of businessmen,” I sez. “They have heard that there is a group of individuals operatin’ in this vicinity, specifically interfacin’ with the kingdom’s tax collectors when they is makin’ their rounds. My employers are most anxious to speak with those individuals to ascertain if there is some way that they might work together to their mutual benefit. What I need is a means of contactin’ those individuals to arrange such a meetin’.”
“I... I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” the guy sez.
“Do you want me to say it again?” I sez, raisin’ my voice slightly. “Did I stutter?”
“No. I meant that I haven’t heard anything about the group you’re talking about,” he sez. “Either group, actually. I just run my shop here and go home to the wife. Nobody ever tells me about anything.”
“Well, think about it,” I sez, givin’ him a toothy smile. “Talk it over with the wife and see if you can’t remember something. I’ll probably be back to talk with you again. The thing is, if I find out that you know something and didn’t share it with me, you might not see me comin’ at all. Know what I mean?”
“I... I’ll think about it,” he sez. “But I really don’t know anything.”
I stare at him for a couple beats without sayin’ anything, then turn and leave, gatherin’ up Spyder and Pookie with my eyes as I go.
Nobody sez anything for a while as I lead the way out of the subdivision and away from the eyes of any onlookers. Finally, when we’re well away, Spyder explodes.
“Wow, Guido! You were terrific! That was really great!”
“No it wasn’t,” I sez, slowin’ down but still not lookin’ at them direct.
“What do you mean?”
“Think about it, dear,” Pookie sez. “It was a good show, but Guido didn’t get any more information than I did.”
“There’s definitely something strange goin’ on here,” I sez, half to myself.
“I don’t know. Maybe they really didn’t know anything,” Spyder sez.
“I don’t buy it,” I sez. “Even if they didn’t have any specific information, they should have heard something, even if it was only rumors. That would be enough for them to try to impress Pookie, or to get me off their back when I leaned on them. No, there’s some kind of cover-up goin’ on.”
“That’s the way it looks,” Pookie nodded.
“You know, I’ve got an idea,” Spyder sez. “It might be worth a try.”
“What’s that?” I sez.
“Well, these folks are money-motivated, right? We could try posting a reward for information. If they won’t respond to fear or lust, there’s always greed.”
Pookie and I looked at each other as we thought about it, then we both shook our heads.
“I don’t think so, little sister,” Pookie sez. “It’s a nice thought, but when there’s money on the table, it brings out all kind of false leads and wild goose chases. We’d go nuts trying to administer the thing, much less having to run down each and every rumor that got dropped on us.”
“Besides,” I sez, “if we’re right and there’s a cover-up goin’ on, anyone who talks to us is goin’ to have the rest of the community down on them. Money is a great motivator, but it would take a lot of it to offset their fear of reprisals.”
“Wait a minute, Guido,” Pookie sez. “Maybe we’re looking at this wrong. What if it isn’t fear of reprisals that’s keeping everyone quiet? What if it’s money?”
“How’s that again?”
“What if the gang is sharing their profits with the community?” she sez. “You know, robbing from the rich and giving to the poor? If the subdivision is getting a piece of the action, it’s no wonder they won’t talk about it to outsiders.”
“I dunno,” I sez. “It sounds pretty wild. I mean, I can understand the part about robbin’ the rich. There’s no money in robbin’ the poor. But why would they be willin’ to share it with anyone else? Besides, I didn’t see any poor in that subdivision.”
“I was speaking figuratively,” Pookie sez. “But remember what I said about guerrillas needing popular support? Can you think of any better way for the gang to make themselves popular than by instituting a profit-sharing plan? Remember, they get to decide how much to share, and no one audits their books on the count. It could be a very shrewd and economical way to get and keep the people on your side against the author
ities.”
“I’ll have to think about that one,” I sez. “One thing for sure is we’ve hit a dead end on this line of inquiry. Maybe it’s time to look up the clown with the costume.”
WHAT OUR TEAM of investigators is not aware of is the repercussions of their visit to Sherwood Arms. Specifically, it created the need for an emergency meeting of the Sherwood Arms Bow Hunting Club that very evening.
“Com’on, Robb,” Tuck was saying. “This whole thing was your idea. Now you have one person asking questions and you get spooked.”
“I’m not spooked,” Robb said. “I’m scared spit-less. And if you saw the monster that was grilling me, you wouldn’t call him ‘one person’.”
“If it’s the same one that was with the vixen that was trying to get information out of me, he didn’t seem like all that much,” said Will.
“Definitely on the scrawny side,” said John.
“Pipe down, you two,” said Tuck, taking the lead for a change. “We’ve already decided there were two different groups asking questions, even if they both did have two women and one man.”
“That’s two too many if you ask me.” Robb said. “Running the army around in circles in the woods is one thing, but this is getting too close to where we live. I say we should lay low for a while. Suspend operations until this sudden wave of interest dies down.”
“Okay. No problem,” Will said with a shrug. “Consider it done... or undone as the case might be.”
“Just like that? No arguments?” Tuck said, cocking an eyebrow.
“Sure,” said Will. “Think about it, Tuck. We’ve already hit the tax collectors once. How many times a year do you think they make those rounds, anyway?”
OUR EFFORTS TO locate the lone raider was notably different from our previous venture in that this time around we was all equally unhappy... mostly with our appearance.
Again, it had been agreed upon that we should assume the least threatening disguises imaginable to encourage our mark to attack us, thereby negatin’ the necessity of havin’ to find him. To this end, Pookie had gone to work with her disguise spell.
When she was done, we was all not only wearin’ army-type uniforms, we was all males. This was decided on in case word was out that there was a team of hunters out lookin’ for outlaws consistin’ of two females and a male. The problems began when Pookie insisted, just to be sure we drew an attack, that we should be kinda scrawny, puny-lookin’ males. After havin’ suffered through the embarrassment of such a disguise back at Sherwood Arms, Spyder and I took the position that if we had to look wimpy, then it was only fair that Pookie herself should also adopt a similar appearance. I feel that the duration and bitterness of the ensuin’ argument before Pookie agreed only showed that, as competent a pro as she was, she was still vulnerable to a woman’s vanity.
Our plan was as simple in its conception as it was borin’ in its execution. Basically we was to re-trace the path of the tax collectin’ team what had been ambushed by this joker, actin’ like we was a different unit what got separated and was tryin’ to re-group with the others. Logically, by revisitin’ the same locales, this should draw the same attack as the army types had suffered, except we’d be ready for it. In actuality, this meant walkin’ a long way and stoppin’ in a lot of communities where army types are not really welcome, and doubly so since one tax team had already been through. The ladies was sure that the garbage, both verbal and literal, which was hurled at us as we passed through was on account of our less-than-heroic disguises. I, on the other hand, felt that it was aimed at army types in general regardless of the details of their appearance.
Of course, I kept this opinion mostly to myself. The only thing worse than arguin’ with a woman when she’s upset is arguin’ with two women when they’re upset... unless, perhaps, it’s winnin’ that selfsame argument.
“I still don’t see why we have to keep wearing these stupid disguises when we’re out of town and in the country,” Spyder sez for maybe the twentieth time. “It’s not like anyone can see us.”
For some reason, this time her complaint draws an answer out of me... probably because I am already irritated myself. Maybe it’s because it is the twentieth time she’s made the same complaint. Then, too, maybe it is because I have been stuck pushin’ the wheelbarrow that is part of our disguises as tax collectors. While said wheelbarrow speaks highly of the completeness of our disguises, the fact that I always seem to be the one pushin’ it is a commentary on the lack of sexual equality within our group.
“We wear the disguises in town so that whoever is passin’ the word to our target will see us as easy marks,” I sez, flat-like. “The reason we wear them in the country is that when somebody does see us, specifically that same target, that we will look like the same easy marks what was spotted in town.”
“Is something bothering you, Guido?” Pookie sez, cockin’ her head at me. “You’ve been acting kind of tense and irritable lately.”
“Maybe it’s because, for all our disguises and round about walkin’,” I sez, “I get the feelin’ that we’re not takin’ this guy nearly seriously enough.”
“Oh, c’mon, Guido,” Spyder sez. “A clown running around in a costume complete with a mask and cape? Against the three of us? What’s to worry about other than finding him in the first place?”
“Take it easy, little sister,” Pookie sez. “Guido knows his business, and if he’s worried I think we should listen. Okay, Guido... Talk to us. What are you seeing that we’re missing in all this?”
“Aside from the basic premise that the most dangerous thing you can do is to underestimate your opponent,” I sez, “there are the particulars in this situation. For example. Give me a description of the guy we’re after.”
The two of them look at each other, each waiting for the other to speak.
“Uh-huh,” I sez. “He is, and I quote, ‘a guy in a black costume with a mask and a cape.’ End quote. Beyond that, we don’t know anything about his height, build, or age, much less how much education shows in his speech patterns. He could have been sittin’ at the next table when we stopped for lunch and we’d never know it.”
“I see your point,” Pookie sez thoughtfully.
“It’s an old trick,” I sez with a shrug. “Wear something noticeable that people will remember when you work, and chances are that’s all they’ll remember. Take it off, and you fade into the crowd again.”
“So you’re saying that this guy might be smarter than we’ve been giving him credit for?” Pookie sez.
“Either that, or he’s got someone advisin’ him that knows what he’s doin’,” I sez. “And that brings me to another particular. The one I’m watchin’ for, the one that has me really worried, is the guy standin’ back and coverin’ him with a crossbow.”
“How so?” sez Pookie.
“You might have missed it, but, accordin’ to Sergeant Smiley, that individual is packin’ a crossbow not unlike my own.”
“That’s important?”
“Pookie,” I sez, “have you taken a look at my crossbow?”
“Not really,” she sez. “I mean, I’ve seen it. But it’s just a crossbow.”
“I keep forgettin’ that you spend most of your time on Perv or Deva or some of those other hi-tech dimensions,” I sez.
“Yeah. So?”
“So allow me to advance your education in the area of the low-tech weaponry you seem to eschew.”
With that, I remove my mini-crossbow from my belt, remove the quarrel, release the tension on the bow, and toss it to her gently.
She catches it one handed, then turns so that she’ll have more light on it as she examines it. Her casual glance turns into a close stare, and her lips purse in a silent whistle.
“This is nice... very nice work,” she sez.
“You don’t know the half of it,” I sez. “Try a snap shot. Don’t aim, j
ust instinct point.”
She takes it in her right hand in a shooter’s grip, spins, and levels it hip-high, focusin’ on an imaginary target.
“Wow!” she sez in an awestruck voice. “That’s balanced beautifully.”
“Can I hold it?” Spyder sez.
After she gets the nod from me, Pookie passes it to her.
“That’s a custom-made crossbow by Iolo,” I sez. “It’s the best I’ve seen in any dimension.”
“Too bad he doesn’t make one with a double bow that can give you two shots,” Pookie sez thoughtfully.
“He can do it,” I sez, “but he doesn’t like to. Talked me out of it when I asked.”
“Really?”
“I don’t know all the technicals,” I sez with a shrug, “but it has something to do with a weakness in design when you go to a double bow. You don’t get as accurate a delivery with either shot as you do with the single shot model. I figure when you go to an expert, you should listen to what they have to say.”
“Interesting,” Pookie sez, retrievin’ the weapon from Spyder and starin’ at it anew.
“The point is that a bow like that costs roughly a year’s wages for an average person in this dimension,” I sez. “To own one, one either has to be very rich or very serious about one’s weaponry. Since the guy in the opposition is currently in the highway-robbery business, I’m assumin’ that he isn’t rich. That makes him a serious armsman.”
“Like you,” Pookie sez, handing the beauty back to me.
“Uh-huh,” I sez, reloadin’ the weapon. “The fact is, I may even know him. The only ones I know who carry weapons from Iolo work for the Mob... or used to. Somehow I don’t see this as their kind of action. Besides, Don Bruce, that’s the guy who runs the Mob in these parts, has a deal goin’ with the Boss to lay off the kingdom.”
“Nonetheless,” Pookie sez, “I see what you mean about taking these guys seriously.”
“That’s good,” I sez, “since I’ve noticed some movement in that big tree up ahead. Don’t look at it directly, but it’s the one with the limb that juts out over the trail. I think we’re finally gonna see some action.”
MA11-12 Myth-ion Improbable Something Myth-Inc Page 25
