Lovelle looked at him in disbelief. “You mean you’re just going to leave me alone?”
“For now.” Rosewood answered. “I said punt, not forfeit. We’ll certainly be in touch. But, no one here has plans to disrupt your life in any serious way.”
“Come on. Leave aside all of the scientific stuff. I can’t believe that no one in the government is chomping at the bit to pick my brain for every tidbit of information they can squeeze out of me.” Lovelle was ripe with skepticism.
“Oh, I’m sure they would. But, I don’t know how much good it would do them. Because of what you’ve given us, I don’t think the future is going to look much like you've envisioned it. At least not the part of the future that we would have an interested in. So, those of us who know about you have agreed not to share that knowledge outside of our little group. We're trusting in you to come to us if you ever see something we need to know about. I can’t promise you that the secret will hold forever, but the group was unanimous in the decision.”
Lovelle wasn’t sure how to take this bit of news. He had never considered that his secret might be kept once anyone in the government had it. “Really? You’ve been keeping my secret? How could you manage that with all the people I’ve talked to in this office.?”
“You’d be surprised at how well we keep secrets around here, even from each other. This isn't like the movies where every agency leaks like a sieve.” Rosewood explained. “We knew right away that yours wasn’t one to share, so you’ve been handled with that in mind from the start.” He stopped for a moment, then seemed to guess that Lovelle was still bewildered. “As soon as I reported on you, it was decided that you had to be either totally insane, or someone who was willing to sacrifice himself to save other people. If you turned out to be the former, then we risked looking the fool for listening to you. In that case, the smaller the circle who knew about you the better it would be for our careers. If you were the genuine article, then you were owed as much deference as we could manage.” He stopped as if to allow Lovelle a response, but, none was forthcoming, so he continued, “I know you are no big fan of the government. Knowing what you know of what was about to happen under our noses, I can’t blame you much. But, you have to realize that it’s the bureaucracy, and not the people. In small groups we can be quite effective. We can even show some pretty good judgment.”
“I just can’t believe that you could, or for that matter would, do something like that for me.” Lovelle was incredulous.
“Well, the could wasn’t so difficult. We just hand picked our team based on their records. The would just came down to the decision of my boss. If he didn’t feel like I do about the whole matter, then there would have been nothing I could do for you. Since he did, it was just a matter of getting everyone else to agree, and they seem to have done so to a man.” Rosewood seemed confident in his decree, and all Lovelle could do was thank him, and then hope for the best.
*****
And so Lovelle got his life back. As unbelievable as it seemed, a few good men and women made a judgment that Lovelle never expected. And they had done so with enough forethought that they might really be able to keep his secret, at least for a time. These people had somehow decided that no greater good would be served by sacrificing him. Lovelle couldn’t express his gratitude sufficiently to that small group, any of which could have spilled the beans and thrown his life into turmoil. And so he did not try. He could hardly imagine himself being so so disciplined.
Lovelle not only expected them to sacrifice him for the greater good, but he hardly would have blamed them. He was no altruist, and he did not feel that he, or anyone else, owed their life or their freedom to the larger society. But, when push came to shove, he had chose to put himself in this position and they all knew that. So, in that scenario, even he would have a hard time ignoring the needs of greater society in the face of the individual rights that he believed in so strongly. Life could be funny that way. Principles could be hard to live by, especially when the ox being gored is someone else’s.
Regardless of how it came about, Lovelle was set loose to pick up the pieces of his life. This was easy enough, since he had stepped out of that life so cleanly, and had already began the reconstruction.
Before flying out of DC, he made a call to Vegas to arrange for a little more time away. Then he proceeded to book a flight to Detroit. He arrived there later that very night, picked up a rental car and checked in to a nice hotel.
Lovelle barely slept in anticipation of seeing Trina. He would finally give himself to her totally. She would own his heart, as long as she wanted it, and he was confident that she would. But it might take her some time to decide what she wanted for the future. He didn’t want to push her, or he would have proposed to her before going back to Vegas. He knew exactly what he wanted.
As it was, Lovelle spent only that first night in the hotel. He lived with Trina for the next three days. She insisted on it as soon as he told her that he was done with his project. He called her at work early on the first morning and surprised her with a request to have lunch.
They met, as they had so many times before, at a little diner near her office. He gave her a long soft hug and they sat. “Trina,” He addressed her with a serious tone as he took her hand into his own, “I’m ready to be with you now, if you’ll have me. I’m finished with my job. I’m finished with everything that has ever stood between us. There’s nothing in the way now, and I’m only sorry that it’s taken so long for me to put all of those things aside. But, I haven’t much room for being sorry. I’m too full of hope.” He wanted to say that he was too full of love, but he wasn’t sure she was ready to hear that yet. He needn’t have worried about that.
“Of course I’ll have you. I love you. It’s taken every bit of self control I could manage not to beg you to stay with me every time you’ve been here.” Trina threw the ‘I love you’ in as if it were a second hand comment.
“I love you too!” he answered with appropriate emphasis.
He went away from their lunch feeling as high as he had in many years. He went to visit his father at work then, and his good feeling tumbled away. Lovelle’s dad was not feeling well, and, although his father didn’t know it yet, Lovelle recognized this as the beginning of cancer. With all that was going on in his life, Lovelle had almost forgotten that this was coming. This reminder was like a kick in the teeth.
Lovelle believed his father was now experiencing the first effects of Pancreatic Cancer. With everything Lovelle knew, and all the time that he knew it, there had been nothing he could do about this until now. Even now there seemed very little he could do. Although he had not anticipated the illness rearing its head so early on, he could have seen this as a blessing. But, the news was so disconcerting that Lovelle could not see the forest for the trees. Luckily, he did not need to recognize the opportunity to take advantage of it.
He knew that he could not get his father to see a doctor for the condition until the disease manifested in some form of symptoms. With this particular cancer, for most people it was generally too late once that occurred. Originally, his own father had not reached the point of seeing a doctor for several more months, and even then, the diagnosis did not follow until right before he passed away. If things didn't change, he would die early the next year. Lovelle had planned for years to push his father to see his doctor sooner. It seemed the only thing he could do to help him. He had hoped he might nudge his father to an earlier diagnosis, but he didn't know how he would convince him to go in much, if any, earlier. He knew his father had ignored the first signs, as many people do. He also knew that the doctor had looked at a lot of things before settling on Pancreatic Cancer. Lovelle thought that he might suggest the possibility to his dad, who might pass the idea along to his physician. And having the idea front and center might just speed the diagnosis. But, he never thought the opportunity would come so early. Lovelle allowed himself to hope that maybe, just maybe, they could catch this thing early enough to extend,
or even save his father’s life.
Before Lovelle returned to Vegas, he saw to it that his dad saw a doctor. Trina had agreed that Lovelle would move in with her just as soon as he could get his affairs in order. She seemed quite willing to make the move to Las Vegas, and he really did prefer living there. But, although he could not tell her so, his dad was going to be a primary concern for the foreseeable future. The circumstances made the choice for him quite a simple one. They could always consider Vegas some time in the future.
It only took a couple of weeks for Lovelle to get back to Detroit. He left his house behind as a vacation home, which made moving quite easy. Having plenty of money definitely had some advantages. Not having to move a scrap of furniture made for a light load. The smallest U-haul trailer he could rent seemed like an extravagance in consideration of the few things that he had to drag across country.
He arrived back in Detroit to the news that his dad’s doctor had found nothing. Lovelle’s hopes of getting an early diagnosis and treatment were dashed for the moment. His father was feeling better now, so Lovelle couldn’t imagine how he might convince him that his doctor had missed something. In fact, Lovelle couldn’t be sure that the doctor had missed something. Maybe it was too early. Maybe his father had just experienced a run of the mill illness, and not the first signs of his impending cancer. Lovelle could only imagine how strange his reaction seemed. Instead of being relieved at the news, he could not help showing his concern. He would spend the next few months fretting.
In the meantime, Trina patiently watched Lovelle fret. She took it in stride, sitting through just one more interference in their relationship. As irrational as it must have seemed to her, she never once showed any sign of impatience with his behavior. Lovelle didn’t know if that meant that she was a saint, or simply resigned to having these barriers between them.
For a while Lovelle drove his father nuts as he questioned his health. Obviously, his dad could see no logical reason for the concern. As far as his dad was concerned, Lovelle was acting like an overprotective parent, and he started treating Lovelle the way a kid would in the same situation. His father paid him lip service and then ignored him as soon as he was out of the way. Finally, Lovelle got the message and backed off. As much as he wanted to stay on top of the situation, He knew that, short of telling his parents his big secret, there was little he could do. He even considered doing just that, but, without any real way to prove his contention, Lovelle didn’t suppose that telling them would do anything other set them to worrying about him instead of his dad.
Convincing his parents that he knew the future was something that required time that he did not have. He could have done it years earlier had he known that it might prove useful in getting his father an early diagnosis. But it was too late now. Besides, he had no way of knowing whether it would help anyhow. The time when his father was originally diagnosed was fast approaching and he was still showing no signs of illness. Lovelle had to wonder if his father’s diagnosis had been as delayed as he had always assumed.
Regardless of what he might like to do, Lovelle decided that he would have to back off a bit. So, he finally went back to work. He didn’t need the money. He probably could have lived the rest of his life on what he had invested if he was careful. But, although everyone knew by then that he had returned from Vegas with a good deal of money, he had not revealed just exactly how much. He had made a show of looking for work all along, but, it had been less than halfhearted.
Once he set his mind to it, Lovelle found a fairly low pressure sales job as a manufacturer’s rep. All he had to do was call on existing customers and keep them happy. It didn’t pay all that well, but, that wasn’t much of a concern anyhow. What Lovelle wanted was something simple, and that’s what he got.
He knew that his father’s initial diagnosis had come around Thanksgiving the first time. This time it was October when he started feeling ill. Considering the badgering, his father was not about to tell Lovelle. But, his mother felt much less compunction, and when her husband didn’t listen to her entreaties this time, she called in reinforcements. It didn’t take long then for his dad to cave in under dual pressure. And in early November, a few weeks earlier than in Lovelle’s first go around, his father was diagnosed.
If they weren’t so devastated with the news, everyone in Lovelle’s family would have wondered about his actions. It should have dawned on them that he seemed to be prescient. It should have seemed the oddest of coincidences that his father was now stricken with cancer after months of worry by his son that at the time had been out of line with reality. But, everyone’s concentration was elsewhere. Everyone, except for Trina.
Trina, who had patiently lived through Lovelle’s unexplained obsession with his father’s health, could not understand his reaction to this news. She of course expected him to be devastated to find that his dad was afflicted with this most devastating of cancers. Instead, she found him to be exceedingly hopeful. She couldn’t know that he had been resigned to losing his father, only to get the first sign that things might be different this time. She thought that he was in some sort of denial, and told him so.
“Sweetie, I’m a little worried about you. You’ve been worrying about your dad ever since you came home. Leave alone how weird it is that he really is sick, but now you act almost like there’s nothing to worry about. I really don’t want to take away your optimism, but, I’m afraid you’re not going to be ready if the news turns out to be bad.” She paused, “You know this is a really bad cancer?”
“I know Love. You don’t have to worry. I know his chances aren’t supposed to be good, but, the doctor says that we really caught it early. I can’t help feeling like it’s a good omen. It’s like I was worrying all this time for a good reason. It’s something I can’t understand. It’s just something I was feeling.” He lied, as he was so accustomed to doing. Lovelle had learned that people easily accept that you can just get a “feeling” about something and be right. They seem to have a notion that a sixth sense exists, without a shred of proof. It wasn’t the sort of thing that drove Lovelle, but, she couldn’t have known that, and he had found the approach to be useful. Sometimes his behavior, although perfectly logical in light of his situation, had the erratic trademarks of superstition to outside observers. Trina accepted his explanation, and Lovelle tried to act more appropriately in the future.
*****
Just as he had the first time around, Lovelle’s father passed away the following February. Despite the early diagnosis and all the extra treatment, he did not even get an extra month out of the deal. This left Lovelle not only devastated, but, also bitter. If there was anything that could make the loss of a loved one worse, a little dose of guilt was just the recipe. Even if, logically, Lovelle could assign himself no guilt, he could not absolve himself either. The idea that he might be able to save thousands of strangers, but, do nothing to help his own father, left him guilt stricken. The whole affair put him into a funk that he could not shake out of.
Poor Trina went from dealing with his constant worrying, to this angry depression. For what should have been the most glorious part of their relationship, she was forced to watch the man she loved go through an almost constant state of suffering. He was hardly fit company for anyone. If there had ever been any question of her devotion, she removed all doubt as she lent a shoulder to cry on without a single complaint.
To compound his despair, the whole episode brought to mind Lovelle’s lost son. The pain of that loss was fresher than it had been in many years. And while he could freely talk with Trina about his dad, he could never mention that precious little life that never would be. It was just one more burden that he would have to bear alone. And now that his father had passed, there was nothing else Lovelle could imagine using his foresight to accomplish or intercede. There would now never be a reason to share his secret with her or anyone else. He could never tell her of his love for Katie, or for his lost little Kyle. He would carry the burden of that memory
forever without assistance.
He finally snapped out of his setback when he realized just how close September 11 was. He traded his depression for anticipation. Although Lovelle had every reason to believe that he had foiled the attacks, he would not allow himself to believe it until that fatal day had passed without incident. He placed a call to Agent Rosewood, who assured him that Atta and his plotters were no longer a threat. Yet he could not help wondering. There had been no news on the matter, and he longed to hear of arrests and reports of a foiled plot. But nothing had come.
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
Lovelle found it hard to sleep the night of September 10, 2001. He finally passed out from sheer exhaustion a couple of hours before he had to get up for work. He woke with a knot in his stomach that felt like he had swallowed a Grapefruit whole. But, as the hours of the day ticked by, the knot disappeared. It was the oddest feeling. Although he had every reason to believe that the FBI had rounded up the plotters, he could not relax until the day had passed. Once it became obvious that he had succeeded he had expected a feeling of elation and relief, instead he found himself mournfully remembering the attacks.
He remembered hearing with curiosity of the first plane crash. He had listened to that report on his car radio as he approached an account. He was in that account listening to their overhead radio when the second plane struck. He and the customer sat listening, dumbstruck. They could not believe that it was happening.
Later in the day he was in an account with a TV. It was the first coverage he had actually seen that day. He stood watching, mesmerized, when the first tower collapsed before his eyes. He could still feel how his heart sank in that moment. He could not believe that he had just watched hundreds or maybe thousands of people die. It simply seemed unreal. He stood there for a long time trying to fight back tears. He was not one to cry about things. Before that day he could never have imagined crying about the death of a stranger. But, the sight had been overwhelming.
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