by Ruth Dugdall
Letting the Norfolk drawl wash over her, she told herself she was used to this and, after all, it was only words. She kept walking, holding her breath against the iron stench of pig’s blood in the air. The house felt empty. Her father mostly worked late; he had three factories now and didn’t trust the managers so he was always on site, checking the fabrics and the orders, making sure no-one was fiddling him. ‘I will always be a foreigner to them’, he said. ‘I cannot expect loyalty’. Matilde’s mother was better at fitting in, and belonged to many local groups ran by women with money who needed an occupation. She kept busy so that she did not have to endure the lonely house, but for Matty the hour between arriving home and her parents’ return was when she found peace. She preferred to be alone.
She climbed the stairs to her room, shrugging off the blazer, and undid the top buttons on her shirt, still carrying the school bag and boater.
Her bedroom door was ajar. She knew she had closed it that morning. Her heart sunk: Papa was home after all.
He was sat on her bed, a great walrus of a man with slackened jowls and eyes like beetles, green-black and shiny. Above him Karen Carpenter, her favourite singer, gave a sad watery smile.
“You’re late. Where’ve you been?”
She could hear it, the threat. She knew it was there, just under the surface. Karen’s smile was hopeless. “Papa, I walked too slowly. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t lie to me. You’ve been with a boy again. Look at your shirt!” Her hand rose to cover her collarbone. “Come here.” She did not move. “I said, come here.” She walked forward, watching Karen’s resigned smile so she didn’t have to see her father’s eyes. Knowing the beetles would crawl all over her flesh if she looked at him. “Closer.” She could smell the alcohol on his breath. He spat words that pricked her with moisture, “You are a filthy slut. You are a disgrace to this family.” He waited until she was crying, then struggled up from the bed and left the room.
Karen Carpenter was trying to smile, but her eyes remained sad and dark. It was Matty’s fault, she was too pretty. She saw herself in the mirror and winced; hair too light. Not the brunette of the Mediterranean, but blonde. And green eyes, not blackened like her father’s, but light green like fresh moss. Too striking. If she wasn’t so pretty it wouldn’t happen, that’s what she believed. But how do you make yourself ugly if you’re not? How can you still be beautiful when everything inside is ugly?
At school the other girls avoided her. Only the boy who worked at the butchers showed interest. And Mr Ferris, the Latin teacher. He spoke to her in a way that made her shiver and shrink back. She was afraid that he could see through her, to the truth. That she was a slut.
She was seventeen. Not an adult, but not a child either, so she knew what it meant when her period was late. There was always the pill to stop babies coming, but how could she get that? She was so young, and not even married. How could she admit her sin to a doctor? Instead Matilde, or Matty as she wanted to be called – at least in her head where she had friends who understood – tried to pretend it was not happening. It would not happen again. Mostly, she tried to ignore it and concentrate on books. All types of books, but especially those about people.
She did well in her studies. Even her mother said so. The previous year she had passed all her O levels, with high grades. So she stayed on at St Albans, with the other girls in straw hats who talked endlessly about boys when all she wanted to do was read. And learn. She was studying for A levels. Latin, of course. Papa insisted. It was a part of their heritage, he said, and anyway she was good at it. Mr Ferris said it must be because of her Italian father, her knowledge of a romantic language, but he was wrong; her father almost never spoke his mother tongue. And music, another good thing for a lady to learn. But what she really wanted to study wasn’t on the syllabus. Her choice would have been psychology. She read books that weren’t in the school library, only in the big library in town, searching for answers. It was the closest she got to knowing why. She read Freud, his diagnosis for hysteria, and thought she understood. Hated him for naming it, for making it bigger than them, for putting it in every home. She felt sick, but couldn’t stop reading about Dora K and she wondered if that is what she was, a hysteric, and if that was why she must keep her mouth shut. Why she must study.
And now, one year into her A levels, one year from the exams, she had stopped bleeding.
She’d felt sick since she woke, and the smell of incense was making it worse. In all of Matty’s seventeen years she had only missed Mass twice, once when she caught measles and once when her grandfather died and they had travelled to Italy. Other than those rare exceptions, the Mariani family sat in the same pew each Sunday and listened to Father Michael condemn the world.
The wooden pew was like a box that she just couldn’t fit into and the effort of trying to sit so straight made her sweat. Her father’s huge body was pressed against her right side, and he noticed her fidgeting. “Keep still!” he demanded, and the woman in front turned around. Her father nodded back apologetically. To Matty’s left sat her mother, her contained shape as immobile as a sepulcher, staring at Father Michael as if he held the answer to all questions. Perfectly presented, Matty’s mother was devout in her attention.
The priest’s voice rose, loud and sonorous. The flames of the candles twitched, as if called by his certain proclamation, “Sin is a disease of the soul. And the only physician is Our Lord. And the only medicine is to repent. Do you repent?” he asked, “Do you?” It seemed to Matty that his eyes sought her out and she looked at her knees, overcome again by the wave of nausea that turned in her stomach like a tide. She clasped her hands together, seasick, tried to concentrate on the horizon, but could only kneel. She was forced to lower herself onto the pew cushion. The wool was red and scratchy under her naked knees. She couldn’t pray.
Closing her eyes made the sickness worse so she concentrated on the effigy of the Virgin Mary. The irony struck her, as she suffered on her knees before the unmarried mother, bile in her throat.
“Our Father,” intoned the congregation, “who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name.” Matty lurched forward, tried to resist, but as the congregation spoke of forgiving those who trespass against us, she knew she could fight it no longer and finally gave in to natural force, vomiting all over the polished floor.
Her mother thought it was food poisoning from the fish they had eaten the night before and Matty was excused from confession. She couldn’t have told Father Michael the truth anyway. She knew about Mary, about Jesus’ birth, and about things that are sinful. But in the books, the ones in the town library filed under health, the ones with pictures, she knew too that a baby could be removed, taken away, like a tumour that needed cutting out. Her mother once had a lump on her breast that was cut away, to make her well again. That was what Matty needed; she wanted the bad bit severed, but knew it was impossible. It was a sin. Even if a cure was possible, she would never recover. How could she when the sickness was within her? When it was her fault for being too pretty. Too lovely. She hated being lovely, but pregnant women weren’t lovely. Maybe the baby would make her fat and ugly too. Maybe it would keep her safe. She didn’t know what to do, and there was no-one to tell. The blood just never came, and she kept studying the books, and still she was woken too early, because she was too lovely, and all she thought of as she was forced onto her back, was the milk van in the street, glass on glass in the doorway. She rose above herself, tried not to look down, and wished she was fat and ugly and not there at all.
She was so small, Matty Mariani, that her clothes still fit even when the books said they shouldn’t. And the rounding of her breasts was just assumed to be puberty by anybody who noticed, like Mr Ferris, who failed to observe anything else. She walked around on her own, and the other girls called her weird or stuck-up, but mostly they didn’t know what to make of her so they didn’t try.
But Papa knew she wasn’t sick because of the fish. Even though the change to her body was sli
ght, he could tell.
He took her to a doctor. “I do not wish her mother to know. You understand: the shame would kill her.”
The doctor nodded sagely at her father, then asked Matty to climb on the couch. It was a narrow couch, and a dark room. She hadn’t been there before, the man was not her usual doctor, and her father had driven to a different town, out of the city. They may not even be in Norfolk.
She suspected that it was not the best practice in the area by the stained walls, the receptionist’s bleached hair. Her father had already paid – she’d seen him remove his wallet and peel off notes. She heard him give a false name; he was ashamed, of course. Cheap doctor for a cheap whore.
The doctor lifted her shirt, her school one, and pulled down the waistband of her skirt. She looked away, to the wall that peeled paint like a snake shedding skin. At the end of the couch stood her father. Watching.
“You’re a good way along.” He pushed hard on her stomach, two fingers pressed into her flesh until she wanted to wriggle. She lay still and endured the examination. The doctor finally stopped prodding and said to Matty’s father, “She’s too far gone.”
“She can’t be,” her father’s voice was almost begging, his face red and the beetles blacker than ever. He tipped into anger so easily and she prayed the doctor wouldn’t provoke him. “If it’s a question of money… ”
The doctor pulled down Matty’s shirt and turned fully to her father. “It is not money that’s the problem, Sir. It’s the law. And it would be dangerous to do it now. There could be complications. Your daughter could die.”
Her father’s face turned from pleading to fury. He grabbed her wrist, wrenched her from the couch as if he would dash the baby from her if he could. “You stupid girl. Why didn’t you say something earlier? You could have had an abortion.”
She shuddered to hear her father say the word. Abortion was a sin. But then, as Father Michael said, one sin made the way for another.
There was no choice. It was too late. My mother’s fate was already sealed along with my own.
Three
Lifting her head from the safety of her duvet cocoon Cate Austin blinked at the white-bright bedroom, her breath drifting like smoke on the cold air. Through the window she could see snow falling, heavy floating flakes bumping against the glass and landing on the ledge. Closing her eyes she could still see the brightness, and knew how cold and clean the world would seem outside, but it was an illusion. Just a few drops of rain, a slither of sun, and the ground would be slushy with ice and grit, the mud and grime winning yet again.
She checked the clock – it was still early – so she snuggled back under the duvet, feeling the warm skin of her daughter’s leg. She hadn’t heard Amelia join her in the night and never really minded even though she felt obliged to make some show of telling her to stay in her own bed. But Amelia was lovely, especially asleep when her long eyelashes brushed her pale skin, her face so peaceful and content. Cate cuddled her daughter gently, kissing her shoulder, but the girl didn’t stir. A shard of anger pricked under her skin; Tim had brought Amelia home late last night. It wasn’t fair, it left her exhausted the next day at school. But she also knew she couldn’t complain too loudly because without Sally, Tim’s girlfriend, Cate would have to find a childminder. She hated to feel gratitude to the woman who had stolen her husband, but there you have it. Life.
At the kitchen table, Amelia toyed with her Coco Pops while Cate gulped down some toast. Christmas cards were still blue-tacked to the cupboards and the forgotten advent calendar, its windows all open, was propped against the window. Amelia was rosy cheeked and sing-song voiced, quicker to shake off sleep than her mother.
“Mummy, am I going to Daddy’s today?”
“Yes, poppet. Now hurry up and eat you cereal.”
“And will Sally pick me up from school?”
“She will. Drink some juice, please.”
“Will Father Christmas come again tonight?”
“No, Amelia. He only comes once a year. Thankfully.”
“But it’s still Christmas!”
“No, not really.”
Cate followed Amelia’s gaze to the Christmas tree in the lounge, now stripped of its chocolate baubles and shedding copious amounts of needles from its dead boughs. The needles would be around for months, with her crappy Hoover. She made a mental note to get an artificial tree next year.
“We’ll take it down tonight.”
“Awww! I like the tree.”
Cate looked at her watch – it was time they weren’t there. She began the daily search for her car keys – why did she never put them in the cupboard, where they should be? – when the telephone interrupted. Amelia abandoned her untouched cereal, running to pick it up.
“Hello? Daddy!”
Cate listened to her daughter’s eager reactions watched her wide smile and wondered why Tim was calling so early.
“Mum – Daddy wants you!”
Not anymore, thought Cate dryly, as she took the outstretched receiver. “Yes?”
“Hi Cate. Look, don’t go getting het up, but Sally’s really tired with the new baby, and it’s probably best if Amelia doesn’t come to stay this weekend.”
In the pause of the moment Cate saw Amelia dig out the lost car keys from her doll’s pram and jangle them like a musical instrument.
“And have you told her that?”
Tim cleared his throat. “I thought it’d be best coming from you. But don’t make it sound like I don’t want her, okay? Just do me a favour, and tell her you want to take her somewhere or something.”
Cate was aware of her daughter listening. “Okay, Tim.”
Fucking Tim, letting Amelia down again. But he had a new family now, a new child; she could hear it squawking in the background.
“I’ll call sometime over the weekend okay? Look, I’ve got to go.”
The baby’s crying intensified and she was about to ask how it was when the phone went dead.
“Morning, sunshine! How was Christmas?”
Cate swivelled her chair to face Paul Chatham, leaning against the doorjamb at the entrance to her office. He was wearing a red waistcoat and a novelty tie, no doubt presents from Santa.
“Not good. It was Tim’s turn to have Amelia this year so I had a pre-packed Sunday roast for one with the Queen’s speech and a side order of self-pity. Yours?”
“Wonderful, of course! Sam cooked a fabulous goose for Christmas day – terribly fattening, I’m afraid.” He lifted the waistcoat and pinched his side, revealing a comfortable amount of flesh. “Now, this isn’t just a social call, Cate. It’s work, I’m afraid. One of the trials of accepting a managers job in the community, is allocation.”
He showed her a bundle of papers which he had been hiding behind his back, waving them in the air with a flourish.
Cate kept her groan inside. “Not a new case, Paul. You know I’m snowed under as it is.”
“Then another snowball won’t hurt, will it? A month is all I need – it’s a pre-sentence report, to be completed by January 27th. They’ve requested a psychiatric report.”
“Oh good, he’s a nutter.”
“She, actually. Alice Mariani. And I’m not so sure she is. I’ll be honest, Cate, if you don’t take this case I don’t know who else to give it to. It’s a weird one.”
“And you thought of me?” smiled Cate, sweetly. “Thanks.”
“After the work you did with Rose Wilks, this has got your name written all over it.”
Cate stilled and she felt her heart hammering in her ribcage, speeding just at the woman’s name. “If you think I’m such an expert why won’t you let me supervise Wilks’ parole licence when she gets out?”
Paul sighed, leaning back against the door in an exaggerated show of impatience. “Cate, we have gone over this again and again. And she’s not even out for another year.”
“Which will fly by! I know her, Paul. I know what she’s capable of! I could keep an eye on her… ”
Paul raises his eyebrows. “I think the further away you stay from Rose Wilks the better. Now – about this new case… ”
Cate shook her head slightly, relieved that her heart was now beating its usual rhythm, and focused back on Paul. “Okay. Tell me.”
“She’s in her thirties, an academic. Lectures at Essex College in English Literature.”
