by Suzy Shearer
When she dressed she put her hands on the sink and leaned her forehead against the mirror on the wall. Once she left the shelter of the bathroom, she knew she’d have to face Jake, have to face what happened, and have to finally confront what she’d been fearing to do for the past eleven months. She searched her mind. Could she do this?
Somehow, Emily thought she could. Jake, and the other two men, now knew she’d been raped. Jake said he would be there with her while she dealt with her grief. She wondered if she had any tears left inside because it felt as if last night and this morning she’d cried enough to fill the ocean. Pushing herself upright, Emily stood and breathed deeply a few times. Finally, she moved to the door and pulled it open. Jake was sitting on the couch, a coffee mug in his hand. He leaped to his feet when he saw her, worry and concern clearly etched on his face as he put down the coffee.
“I made you a coffee.”
He pointed to the mug on the table alongside him. Picking it up, he held it out to her.
“Thank you.”
“We’ve got juice and some croissants to eat for breakfast.”
“I don’t want anything to eat. I don’t think I can.”
“You do. Emily, you need food.” As she watched, he put butter and jam on one of the croissants then held it to her mouth. “Eat.”
“Yes, Sir.”
She took the offered food and bit into it. Surprisingly, it made her feel better as she finished it. Jake ate a couple after asking if she wanted another. She shook her head and sat nursing her coffee. He picked up his mug again and sat beside her. It seemed as if neither knew what to say or how to speak. They both finished their drinks and put down their mugs. Emily didn’t know what to do. Finally, they both spoke at once.
“Emily.”
“Sir.”
It broke the ice as both gave a kind of half-hearted laugh.
“After you, Em.”
“No. You first, Sir.”
“I think we should dispense with the sirs at the moment. This is just us talking, okay?”
“Yes.”
Staring into his face, she really examined her feelings. This man had broken through her barriers. He had held her tight and refused to let her fall. If she’d liked him before, now she wondered if her heart would cope with loving him. Because that’s what would happen, had happened. She’d fought against all emotions these past months, and yet every time she’d seen him her heart had beat faster. That very first time she’d been in his arms he had stolen her heart. She knew it wasn’t simply because he’d helped her. The feelings he roused in her were real, despite her trying to deny them. She loved him. Now the walls were down. What would happen?
“Emily, I’m truly sorry about last night, the way I pushed you, but, truthfully, it was what was needed.”
“I think I know that. I know you didn’t do it from spite.”
“No! Never!”
“I know. For months, for almost a year, my therapists have been telling me to open up, but I’ve been very afraid. I even thought of killing myself.”
“Em, I’m here. If you let us, I’m sure there are a lot of people you can lean on. Your family, me, your friends here.”
“Yes.”
Jake took her hand. “Tell me why. What were you frightened of? Reliving your ordeal?”
“Yes, and I—I didn’t know if I was strong enough. I buried all the horrors rather than deal with it. I was frightened that if I even acknowledged what had happened to me, it would kill me. For some crazy reason I truly believed it would.”
“Oh my, Little Bird. It won’t. I’m here.”
Emily had been staring at their joined hands, and now she lifted her head to gaze him.
“I know you are.”
“You know I won’t let you fall. So, I think we should talk about it.” Emily went to speak, to tell him she was scared to go into the details, but Jake shook his head. “Em, I know what happened.”
That shocked her. “How?”
“Ash. He spoke with a dear friend of ours who is a police detective. You know him. Nico Morelli. He told us everything. Your name is attached to the court transcripts, and they are available to anyone who wants to access them, so he did.”
Emily clamped her lips tightly together. The urge to cry, to scream was building rapidly again. Jake dropped her hand and put his arm around her, holding her close.
“Baby, you want to cry and scream, then sob and shout some more, do it. It’s okay. Don’t hold it back any more. There is no reason to.”
“I. I don’t.” The tears started. “It hurts too much.”
“Oh, my Little Bird, of course it does.”
Now that the tears had started again, Emily was helpless to stop them. Jake held her against his chest as once more she sobbed and sobbed. When she felt no more could fall, she sat up, accepting the handful of tissues from Jake.
“Tell me about your injuries. Are you completely healed now?”
Talking about her arm, her body, was easier as she replied. “Yes, except for my arm. I’ve…” She drew a deep breath and rubbed the back of a hand across each eye. “I did physio for months. At first, I couldn’t use it at all. They don’t think I’ll get any more movement from it.”
“So as long as you don’t try and put it behind you or lift it over your head, is it okay?”
“Yes. I mean I can lift it up to a certain point. I can get dressed and stuff like that, but I can’t keep it there without pain. I don’t have a full range of movement in it anymore.”
“I understand. But everything else is okay?”
“Yes. They repaired my other injuries.”
She felt his arm tighten around her, and then he asked, “Did you have to face court?”
Her heart thumped against her ribcage as she recalled the court case. She pressed a hand over her heart and took some loud gasping breathes through her nose.
“Em, you don’t have to tell me. We can talk about it another time.”
She shook her head. This was the time. Now when she was kind of vulnerable but had Jake to hold her up. Hesitantly, she began. Fortunately, she hadn’t had to actually face the men.
“I went to court, but I didn’t have to see them. My therapist was there.” Another few loud breaths. “She told the court that I was emotionally damaged from the ordeal and had refused to speak about it.” Her heart was beating a crescendo against her hand, but she managed to get the rest out. “Thankfully, because it was all on the cell phones all I had to do was identify them via a video link up. I couldn’t talk. It was as if I was struck dumb.”
“But at some point, you must have given a statement to the police?”
“Yes.”
“Was it in the hospital?”
She nodded, still keeping her hand pressed hard against her chest as if to stop her heart bursting through.
“But I can’t remember doing it, I mean I can, but I tried to forget. It was while I was in the hospital when I first came ‘round. They recorded it at the time, and then later I had to sign a written copy. They used that in court. Then the other three victims testified, too.”
“So it’s all over now? No more court?”
“Because of the severity, and the fact they admitted to everything, it was held quickly.”
“Nico told us they were charged with six counts of first degree forcible sexual offences, of gang rape using violence, aggravated assault, attempted murder, and two counts of murder.”
Hearing the words again Emily almost froze. She’d spent that long trying to block them from her mind. Rape! She’d been raped. If she thought her heart was beating fast before now it did triple time. Her mouth was dry. She coughed, trying to get the strength to answer.
Somehow, she managed to stammer, “Yes.” Then she felt a scream making its way upward. Jake must have known because he held her tighter, whispering how strong she was and how brave. The scream faltered a little and she thought she was safe, but it took her by surprise and burst out.
Jake pulled her even closer. No tears fell, but she was sobbing, gasping. It was hard to swallow, but all the time he held her tight. Finally, the pain receded. She could breathe again, and her heart was back where it belonged.
“Emily, you do know none of it was your fault. Please don’t tell me you think it was!”
Surprised, because not once had it crossed her mind that she was at fault, she answered, “No. No, I’ve never thought that.”
“Good.”
They were silent again. With his arm about her, his other hand touching her leg, Emily knew she was safe. She’d told him more in those few sentences than she had to anyone since it happened. She knew how much her mother, her brothers, and their families wanted to help her, how much they were hurting, but she’d been locked in her own private hell.
“Em. You know you need to talk more about what happened?”
“I know. I see my shrink on Tuesday.”
“Promise me you’ll talk to her.”
She peeped up at him and caught his smile.
“I. Yes, I promise.”
“And, Emily, I’m here. I’ll be your shoulder. Your strength.”
“Thank you.”
“Have you talked to your family?”
“No.”
Emily felt stronger. It was as if the sun had finally come out. All these months she’d been in darkness, afraid to see the light. Now she could face it. Now she wouldn’t let it control her anymore—she hoped.
“My elder brother came over and stayed when it happened. He took charge. He stayed at the unit I’d rented but hadn’t arrived at. Got all my stuff that had been shipped across. He kept the press away and liaised with the police. He was there when I gave my statement. I knew he would ask me questions so I thought if he heard it all then he wouldn’t have to ask me anything.”
“So you were close to your destination when it happened?”
“Yes. I had about an hour and a half to go, but when I saw the coffee truck, I decided to take a fifteen-minute break before driving the rest of the way.” Even she could hear her voice becoming shrill as she almost shouted, “The hospital they took me to was in the same city as the apartment I’d rented.”
She managed to fight down the urge to scream. Emily now knew this wouldn’t destroy her. She was stronger than she thought. She rested her head against Jake’s chest.
The silence between them was comfortable now. Emily knew she was in for some dark days ahead, but the truth hadn’t killed her. Maybe she really could move forward. She caught a glance at Jake’s watch. It was almost two-thirty, and Emily realized she had to get home soon. Her brother and his family were dropping their mother back to the house around five and staying for dinner. She sat up.
“Sir. Jake. I have to leave. My mother will be home soon.”
“Of course. Would you like me to drive you? I can get Ash or someone else to follow in your car.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, truly.”
“Emily, can I see you through the week? I’d like to talk to you and make sure you are okay after what has happened.”
His words surprised her but at the same time gave her a warm tingle.
“Maybe on Wednesday. My mother has therapy from ten, and she won’t be back until about two or three.”
“In that case how about I take you to lunch?”
“Thank you, I’d like that.”
“Shall I pick you up about eleven?”
“Can I meet you? Mom isn’t cleared to drive yet, and I have to take her.”
“Okay. Where would you like to go?”
“I’m not very good with a lot of people. I know I will but not yet.”
“I understand. Would you like it if I got a few things and we go somewhere along the river and relax? Maybe White Bend?”
Emily was glad he’d suggested that. Even though she’d opened up, she knew she was still frightened of going to places where there were people. She thought the river would be perfect. She’d actually driven there a couple of time to just sit in her car and look at the water. Of course, she’d locked the car doors and hadn’t gotten out, but it was peaceful. Emily knew White Bend was usually less crowded. It was along the river, but people tended to go to some of the wider areas. White Bend was small, a tiny beach with a few trees and grass areas as the river bent around.
“Yes, please, but don’t go to too much trouble. I’m kind of not eating properly.”
He smiled and gave a little shake of his head. “What about if I bring something light, just something to nibble on?”
“Thank you.”
“It’s a date. I’ll meet you around eleven at White Bend.”
They both got to their feet. Jake took both her hands.
“If you need me any time, day or night. Just call.”
She nodded, picked up her corset, and slipped on her shoes. Then they walked to the door and down to the front foyer. Jake asked her to wait and went through one of the doorways. He was back in a minute and gave her a card.
“This has my number on it. I mean it when I say I want you to ring me if you need me for anything at all. Promise you will?”
“I promise.”
He walked her out to her car and made sure she was safely in it. He touched her lips softly with one finger. “I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
“Thank you.”
Emily drove out and could see Jake watching her as she went through the wide gates and headed home. When she arrived, she showered. Somehow, she began crying again, sinking to the floor to sob, and wondered if she was going to spend the next few weeks howling at the drop of a hat. After she finally stopped, she dressed and tidied up.
By the time her brother arrived, she was in a kind of tight control, although everyone kept glancing at her oddly as if they knew something had happened but were afraid to ask. She wasn’t surprised. She knew her face was blotched and swollen as if she’d spent the whole weekend crying—and she thought that was exactly what she’d done.
When Tuesday came around Emily was nervous. She wondered if she’d be able to talk to her counselor or if she’d sit there in silence as usual. Dulcie ushered her into the room with a smile and then spoke softly.
“How are you, Emily?”
“I…”
That was all it took. She started sobbing again. Dulcie came around to her, tissues in hand, and let her cry. When she finished and mopped her face, Dulcie smiled at her warmly.
“Well I don’t often like seeing my patients in tears, but I have to say seeing you cry is wonderful. Tell me what has happened?”
“I. He.” How to explain? “He made me tell him.”
“This is your Master? The man at the club?”
“Yes.”
“And now? Do you think you can talk about your ordeal?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Emily, I know this isn’t an overnight fix. You still need to talk things through, not just once or twice. You need to come to terms with what happened and look at how it affected you. You need time to grieve, but this is the first step and it honestly is the hardest one. It truly will get easier.”
Emily could only nod.
“How do you feel?”
“A little better. I—” How to explain when she had difficulty reasoning it to herself? “It felt like if I faced it all, it would kill me. It would overwhelm and swamp me.”
“I understand, but now you know it won’t.”
“Yes.”
She and Dulcie talked, or rather Dulcie did most of it, but Emily felt she was opening up when she answered some of the questions she’d always avoided. By the time she left she felt as if she’d been through a wringer. To say she was emotionally drained would be an understatement. Somehow, she made it home, checked on her mother, then threw herself on her bed and slept for a few hours. When she woke, her mother was weeding the back vegetable garden.
“Should you be doing that?”
“Ye
s. I’m good. I think maybe tomorrow when I see the physio they may say I don’t need them anymore.”
“That’s good, but don’t get your hopes up, Mom.”
“I won’t, but I’ll have my fingers crossed.”
She got to her feet with a little grunt, and they walked back inside. Her mother’s weakness on the left side was barely noticeable now. Emily thought her mother was probably right. She’d made an amazing recovery.
“Do you want tea or coffee?”
“Tea please, Em.”
When Emily finished making the drinks they sat at the kitchen table. Her mother reached across the table and took her hand.
“Em. Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“You seem different. Want to talk?”
“Not yet.”
“Okay.”
They were both quiet for a while, lost with their own thoughts.
“You know once I get the all clear you can move into an apartment.”
“I won’t leave, Mom, until I’m sure you’re one hundred percent okay.”
“Will you move back east?”
“No. I’m going to stay here. Stay near you and David and Mark.”
Her mother squeezed her hand. “I’m very glad. I don’t … I’d miss you.”
Emily knew her mother, and her brothers, were always worrying about her. She understood, and maybe over the next few weeks she would be able to open up to them. She’d promised her mother she’d move out once her mother was well, and Emily knew her mother had thought she’d move away. She could see the relief on her face now she knew Emily would be staying close.
Once they finished their drinks, Emily went into the spare room where she’d set up her easel and worked for a couple of hours. Painting took her mind off everything, but today she kept thinking about Jake and tomorrow.
Wonder what will happen between us? Maybe nothing.
