“What’s wrong?” I ask, placing my hands over his.
“There are reasons I’ve kept myself away from others. Reasons I can’t explain right now. Damn it! You… I just can’t get you off my mind.” He looks up at me. “Can we just be friends?”
It hurt more than I wanted to admit, having him ask to be just friends. But I could see it was hurting him. Something was really tearing him up. It was clear in his eyes. Reaching up, I cupped his face in my hands.
“Of course,” and to disguise my pain, “though it hurts because I thought we were already friends.” I smirk.
He smirks back. Leaning in, I press a tender kiss to his cheek and breath deep committing his smell and the feel of his skin beneath my lips to memory. Pulling back, our eyes meet and the sadness in them damn near broke my heart. His eyes held me captive. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t breathe. The pull between us was like two magnets seeking their opposite. No matter how we worked to keep our distance it was beyond our control. Moving closer toward each other, unable to stop it. Just before our lips meet, Jackson runs his nose against mine. Taking shuddering breaths, he closed his eyes for a moment. I was unable to do anything but stare at the look on his face.
“I can’t do it, but I can’t back away either,” he breathed, sounding almost pained.
Opening his eyes, he meets mine as he continues to run his nose along mine. It took my breath away. This simple act seemed so intimate to me. Then my breath left my lungs completely when he spoke.
“Stop me, Shannon,” he whispers. “Stop me because I can’t and I need to.”
His lips brushed mine again. The same electric shock shot through my body at such a simple and barely there touch. But his words registered in my head and I pulled back. The relief that crossed his eyes and face felt like a knife to my heart. Why it bothered me so much, I didn’t know, but it hurt like hell that he was relieved he didn’t have to kiss me.
“Shannon…”
Just as he was going to say something, Sebastian started screaming again. “Don’t worry about it. We’re friends, right?” Trying hard to keep the hurt from my voice, but I could feel the tears start to burn the backs of my eyes. “Thank you so much for today. I’ll see you tomorrow at four.”
Leaving Jackson in the living room, I went to comfort Sebastian again. Sebastian was screaming and arching his back off the bed when I got into the room. Cupping his face gently in my hands, I whispered.
“Buddy, it’s Sissy. Open your eyes. Come on. Look at me buddy.” The sadness overcame me and tears trickled down my face. “Please buddy, wake up. Look at me.”
After a few more minutes, his eyes flew open and he shot up in the bed. “Sissy!” He screams.
Wrapping my arms around him, I rocked him back and forth. “It’s okay. You’ll be okay. We’ll all be okay. Someday.” The tears kept falling. “I’ll make sure of it.”
Once Sebastian fell asleep again, I made my way hesitantly out to the living room. Honestly, I’m afraid to face Jackson again tonight. It hurt to be unwanted. More the reason I didn’t want to want someone anyway. Thankfully, when I walked into the living room, he wasn’t there. I’ll do my best to be his friend and keep it just at that. By now, I was used to being on my own.
Chapter Nine
Jackson
Fuck!
How did it get this far this soon? Damn it! She’s the only person in four years that had me feeling like this. The hurt in her eyes… Damn it! I put that there. She tried to put on a happy face, but as she talked about it not being a big deal and only being friends it was there. Fighting hard to keep her face straight.
As if that wasn’t enough, I walked in to make sure that Sebastian was okay and she was crying. My heart knew it wasn’t because of Sebastian’s nightmares. It was because of me. Damn it! Even as much as it hurts to see her that way, I couldn’t stay away. It was like I liked torturing myself. Moreover, I didn’t want to hurt the boys. I really have grown to care about them.
Walking into the apartment, I am met by the sound of giggling. “What the fuck?” I mumbled to myself.
Walking down the hall, I stopped in front of the door that Jake was occupying. Hearing muffled moans and the squeaking of the bed. I lost it. Damn, if anyone else was going to get lucky in my house when I can’t have the one woman I could easily love… Flinging the door open, it bounces off the wall with a loud banging sound.
“Damn it Jake! Get the slut out of my house! I told you! I didn’t want your shit in my house!”
The girl screamed. Jake seemed to not even notice I was there and continued to fuck the girl even as she tried to cover herself. What the hell? He groans loudly and then rolls off to the side. Gagging, I look around the room and spot her clothes. Collecting them, I throw them at her.
“Get your shit on and get the fuck out of my house!” I roar.
Jake turns his head and smiles at her, “See ya.”
The woman gets dressed frantically and takes off. I follow her out making sure she leaves. Though judging by the tears running down her face, she wasn’t staying around. My anger kicks up another notch when I realize I’m going to need to change my codes again because Jake had to bring someone here.
Storming back into his room, I started to yell. “What the fuck were you thinking?”
When I saw that he was passed out, I punched the wall before storming out of the room slamming the door. Marching into my room, I slam the door behind me. This night was bad enough. Having to push away Shannon killed me, but she was getting too close. There was no way, I can handle it if…
Shaking my head, I took a shower and got into bed. This day needed to end and it needed to end now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel a little better about having to push Shannon away. After all loving her was painful enough. Losing her would be more than I could bear.
FUCK!
Waking up the next morning, I wasn’t in any better of a mood. To top it all off, Jake and his little friend must have been hungry. There was next to nothing left in my damn fridge. Slamming the fridge door shut, I moved to the coffee pot and started it.
“Someone’s in a foul mood this morning?” Jake said, yawning.
Flipping around, I glared at him. “Yeah, no thanks to you!” I growled.
“Whoa! Man, what is your deal?” He asked alarmed.
Slamming down the cup I held in my hand, I leaned on the counter. “Well, let’s start with why I have no fucking food in my house!”
“Uh, I ate it?”
“If you are going to fucking eat every last fucking thing in my house, REPLACE IT!” I ended on a yell.
“Okay… Fuck! Sorry! Who pissed in your Cheerios?”
“Next, on my list. What is my one rule when you stay with me?” I hissed.
“Damn you are worse than mom and dad,” he grumbled.
“What is it, asshole!” I roared.
“No one comes here. I’ve-”
“Then why did you bring your fucking whore to my house last night!” I yelled getting in his face.
“Holy shit, Jack! You’re going to have a coronary. Calm down! I didn’t bring anyone home last night.”
“What!” I roared, shoving him.
“Dude!”
The look on his face was pure terror. Jake and I rarely ever fought. We understood each other. Hell, I rarely raised my voice to anyone. Eli and I kind of calmed the rough waters. We were the peacemakers of the group. Not today! I was pushed to my limits.
“I came home last night to hear you and your lady of the evening getting it on. Not only that, but I barged into your room to kick your ass for bringing someone here. She’s screaming and you…”
A sudden thought occurs to me. “Jake,” taking a calming breath. “Are you doing drugs?”
“What?” Jake asks, looking nervous.
“Damn it, Jake! How long? Why?” I asked, running my hand through my hair.
“I’m fine Jackson. I’m a big boy. No need to worry about me.”
Sighing he
avily, I looked him in the eyes. “You know I’m always here for you right? No matter what you can come to me.”
“I know brother. I know. I’m okay. You’ll be the first to know when I’m not.”
Walking over to the coffee pot, I filled my cup and a cup for him. “What did you take last night?” I asked my back still to him.
“Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to.” He said simply.
Nodding, I said nothing. Handing him his glass, we exchanged looks that spoke silently between us.
Me: I’m here. You don’t have to do it alone.
Jake: I know. When I need help, I’ll ask.
Me: Please promise me you’ll stop.
Jake: I will.
Me: Promise?
Jake: I promise, brother.
Ever since we were little, we’ve always been able to communicate silently between each other. We could read looks and signals. The others always hated it because we could get away with so much more. My brother was more than that, he was an extension of myself. This bothered me a lot, but he wouldn’t accept help until he was ready for it.
“So is my little tryst what had you so upset this morning or is there more?” Jake asks, sipping his coffee. When I ignored him, he pushed forward. “Look, I was honest with you.”
“I know,” I sighed. “It’s Shannon.”
“She turn you down?”
“No. I think I’m falling in love with her. It’s crazy, I know. We’ve only just met a couple of months ago. Only really started spending time outside of the office together this week, but it’s there. Last night, we had two almost kisses. The second one, I begged her to stop me because I couldn’t and I needed to.” Looking up at Jake, “I hurt her, but I can’t be involved with her…with anyone.”
“Dude, screw the whole patient/doctor thing. Seriously! If she doesn’t care, why should you? Especially if you think you’re in love with her. Go for it man.”
“It’s not me being her doctor that’s stopping me,” I mumbled.
“Then what is it?” Jake said, irritated.
“Nothing,” I dumped my coffee down the drain and got ready for work.
The day went by fast. Rachael pissed me off a couple of times more than usual today, but it all faded away when Shannon walked in with the boys. I smiled at her as the boys ran up to hug me.
“Hey,” I said, trying to keep the longing from my voice.
“Hey,” she says back with a smile on her face.
Clearing my throat, I bent down and looked at the boys. “You ready to go play while Sissy and I talk?”
“YEAH!” They cheer.
Once they are in the playroom, we sit down in the other room at the table and start going over possible plans for Sebastian outside of surgery. Of course she really wasn’t listening. For whatever reason she was sticking to her guns on having surgery. No matter how much she pushed me, I was determined to find another way around the surgery.
“Was that normal, last night?”
She sighs softly, “Yeah. Happens more nights than I can count. One of the reasons, I get no sleep half the time.” She starts fidgeting with her cup in front of her.
“One of the reasons? What else is wrong?”
Looking at her with concern, I saw a tear roll down her cheek. Quickly, I moved in front of her, taking her hands in mine.
“Hey,” I said softly. “Look at me.” She slowly raised her head. “There are those beautiful eyes of yours. You can talk to me. Let me be here for you.”
She laughed sadly. “You know, you are like my only friend.”
Reaching up, I cupped her face in my hands just as the door opened.
“Jack, I have-” Rachael starts, then glares at us. “What the hell is going on here?”
Ignoring her question, “What do you want Rachael?”
She tossed a folder at me then stormed out. Setting it on the table without even looking at it, I turned back to Shannon.
“I’m here for you, no matter what. Please talk to me.”
Shaking her head, she stood up and walked over to the window. “Why would you want to know?”
Standing, “Because you’re my friend and what bothers you bothers me.” Of course it bothered me for far different reasons than her being a friend, but I can’t tell her that. “I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”
She snorts. “You have space at your place for three house guests?” She mumbled without turning around.
“Are you in some kind of trouble?” I asked immediately on guard.
“You could say that,” she wiped her hand across her cheek.
Quickly I moved over to her, wrapping her in my arms. “I have more than enough room for you guys. Will you tell me why you feel you need to leave your home though?”
She wrapped her arms around my waist and I couldn’t stop the sigh that left my lungs. It felt so good to have her in my arms and her arms wrapped around me. She’s only a friend. She’s only a friend. She can only be a friend. I kept repeating to myself.
“I’m losing the house unless I can show proof of bringing it up to code. I can’t afford it. The last thing I have of my parents will be gone in a couple weeks.” She kept her head on my chest as she talked.
“You can come stay with me,” I said without hesitation. “But, I’m not letting you lose your place either. I’m going to help get it up to code.”
“No, Jackson. I can’t let you do that,” she says, leaning back, placing her hands on my chest.
Again, here we are with our faces mere inches from each other. It became harder to breathe. Shannon was having similar problems. Just as I was leaning down, unable to fight the pull, the door opened again.
“Jackson, can I talk to you?” Rachael asks, leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed.
“No, I’m leaving. I have a family thing to get to.” Taking Shannon’s hand without realizing it, I walk over to the playroom and collect the boys.
As we walked out into the parking lot, Jake runs up. “Oh good, I didn’t miss you. Can I bum a ride out to Mary’s?”
I was relieved to see that Jake looked semi-normal today. He still looked a bit disheveled, but I’m beginning to think that’s all part of his look now. At least he wasn’t stupid to come to the family get together on something. Though looking at my brother, I was scared for him. If he was really into drugs and my gut told me he was in deep, I could lose him. That was something I definitely couldn’t handle.
“Jack! Jack!” Atreyu yelled to get my attention.
“Yeah buddy,” I asked, ruffling his hair.
“Can we ride with you again?”
“Please!” They begged together.
Thinking for a moment, “How about this? Jake you drive Shannon’s car and then all of you can ride with me.”
“YAY!” The boys scream, jumping up and down.
“Let me get the boys’ seats out of my car,” Shannon sounded almost scared.
“No need. I bought some for my car.”
Her eyes widened, but she handed the keys to Jake and we walked to my car. She wasn’t saying much. Then the guilt came back from last night. Shit, she probably wanted the space between us. It’s weird. Though I pushed her away when everything in me wanted to hold her close, I still wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. It was almost like I loved to torture myself. Shaking my head, we got the boys strapped in and set out on our way out to the ranch.
The trip was long and it was quiet. Shannon kept her head turned and stared out the window. The boys were even quiet as well. The only time they made a sound was when I had to put the top up because we were headed down the gravel road toward Mary’s. Jake was already there and it looked as though pretty much everyone else was too. Nothing like being fashionably late. I almost laughed out loud at that.
“Okay guys. You ready to meet some awesome people?”
Sebastian ran to me from Shannon and wrapped his arms around my legs. Bending down, I picked him up. He wa
s shaking staring out at all people in the yard.
“Hey, remember, I’m right here. You already know Jake. So there’s another person in that mix of people you like. Okay?”
“Okay,” he said, nodding his head with wide eyes.
Looking over at Shannon, I saw the worried expression on her face. Running my hand up and down her arm, “Hey, we accomplished standing in line for ice cream yesterday. He can do this. I promise. He’s the Captain. He’ll get his ship through the rough seas.”
Jake came trotting over. “Okay, I told everyone that you were nervous about meeting them. So they are going to let you lead them, okay?” Jake said, speaking with Sebastian.
Sebastian’s smile got bigger. “I can do it. After all, I’m the Captain.”
“That’s right buddy. If you feel like you just can’t handle anymore, you just tell me and we’ll head on home.” Shannon said, reassuringly.
“Uh, one more thing. Mary and Tobey invited all their working hands too. So, uh, a bit more people here than we expected.”
Nodding my head, I could feel Sebastian tense in my arms. He buried his face in my neck and held tightly around my neck. We walked slowly toward the gathering.
Chapter Ten
Shannon
Looking at all the people outside, I was scared for Sebastian, even Atreyu. They were going to a group once a week to help them socialize with kids their ages, but when Sebastian told me about what they were saying about him I pulled them out. Now we just sit at home and have just us time. Honestly, I’m not sure Sebastian will ever be able to go to school on his own. He depends too much on a constant. Something that doesn’t change. With school, it will all be different. Yeah, it would be a constant once he got going, but with Sebastian it was almost impossible to get him to that point without a constant already in place.
Thinking about it now, Sebastian will be devastated if Atreyu went off to school without him. It would actually do more damage, I think. Considering Sebastian already thinks that he’s so much less than Atreyu because of others negative comments about him. There are days that I cry for him. He never seems to cry about how hurtful and mean people are to him. Actually, he seems more confused than anything. Of course he is only four. Sometimes I forget how young they are. They don’t act their ages. If you watched them closely, Sebastian has really taught Atreyu a lot. Atreyu has just been accepted more because of his ‘normal’ behavior.
Tough Love (Hidden Secrets) Page 7
