"Don't say that," I said, looking down. "It's my job."
"But…still."
I held the hem of my shirt which I was probably going to remove again later. I couldn't decide on whether to look him in the eye or not. I wanted to, but I hated it whenever he'd gaze at me with a face that wasn't of happiness. My stomach was churning, and I felt that my lungs weren't pumping properly. What was happening to me?
"Nathan, I'm sorry," I said. That was all I could say.
"Well, apologizing won't make you quit modeling, won't it?"
"This is my fucking job!" I said in a loud whisper. "If you can't accept it then let's just finish the 'us'!"
Oh damn. I didn't mean to say that! I take it back!
"Maybe we should," he said with a look of ignorance, but between his tough unmoving façade, I saw a look of regret.
"You're not serious."
He was so not going to break up with me. He absolutely cannot do that. But he looked so serious. How else was I supposed to think? I never thought this day would come. We always argued, but they always ended up with one of us making a joke, and I was in no mood to become sarcastic and so was he. Trying to make him feel uncomfortable and squirmy, I tried to burn him down with my gaze, but he remained cold and ignorant towards me, and so I promised myself I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to lose.
"Try me," he answered before he walked out on me.
No, seriously. Nathan Adams, my boyfriend…or should I say my ex, left me speechless. He went inside the elevator without even giving me a goodbye kiss or hug, not even a wave. The ass. I tried to hide my disappointment, and good thing I was able to keep up the plastic-ness of it all for a good two hours. I finished the pictorial in a very professional manner with no one getting mad at me before I went back home to break down. I had until four in the afternoon for myself, and after that, I was going to be off for a runway show. But before that, when I arrived home, Nathan and his luggage were nowhere in sight. Only one thing could've happened. He had left.
"What happened?"
I looked around and only saw my mom. She was still in her work clothes, but she didn't look tired. It was as if she was waiting for me. She had a mischievous smile while she took sips from her Starbucks, and I instantly knew we were going to have a talk all about Nathan.
"Why did he leave?" my mother asked in her usual cold voice. "I was actually starting to like him."
I took a seat beside her and crossed my arms over the kitchen counter before I leaned my head on my hands which were clasped together. I looked at her with a frown evidently showing on my face, and my mother couldn't help but look gloomy. She was actually frowning and feeling my sadness.
"He got jealous and mad at me for posing topless," I said. "It actually kind of reminded me of the way you and dad reacted when I posed without a shirt or bra for the first time."
My mother smirked before she said, "I know how he feels, and all I could say is that maybe he couldn't accept that part of your work, for now."
"What do you mean 'for now'?"
I honestly cannot believe I'm having this kind of talk with my mom, the person who had been thinking so low of me. It was something new, and I was starting to like her and to appreciate her words. They were actually insightful and helpful, but me talking to her still felt weird and that feeling was going to remain.
"He was just shocked, like your father and I were," my mom answered.
I nodded, and then said, "But wait!"
"Yes, dear?"
"Why'd you just let him leave?" I asked looking horrified. "Why didn't you stop him?"
"We're not his parents to do that, and I don't want to be an in-between-er."
I nodded my head, but I wasn't really getting what she was trying to say. I understood the 'for now' part, but…I still can't accept that Nathan and I are over! I thought we were going to last!
"So what should I do?" I asked looking for advice.
"Talk to him."
"But will he talk to me?"
* * *
The lights blinded my eyes, but it wasn't like I could do anything about it. It was my job, my work to walk down the runway and pose for everyone who was looking up to check out the clothes I was wearing. It was also part of my career to pose half-naked.
I still couldn't stop thinking about what happened. I still wanted Nathan, but after what I did? I doubt he'd want to get back with me. When I got backstage, I waited for everyone to finish until I changed into my real clothes. I checked my phone for a message, and zero, not a missed call or a SMS from my ex. Ex…I hated that word.
"Lexy, are you going to the party later tonight?" my friend, Cambria, asked, as she took off the metallic halter top she modeled and replaced it with a knitted long-sleeved top
This was my life…before, and I couldn't wait to get back to it after months of being stuck in school, but partying all night and getting messed up was going to make me even guiltier. Before I could think twice, I followed my instinct.
"Definitely."
"Cool, I'll pick you up, okay?" she asked, and I nodded.
"Awesome, Lexy," she said with a bright smile. "I met a few guys who are new in town yesterday, and they asked me to hang-out with them."
"And you're bringing me?" I asked with a small grin appearing on my face.
"Yup, yup, don't worry! They're really hot!" she said but covered her mouth right after she said that. "I forgot you have a boyfriend! Shit! I'm so sorry!"
I frowned for which was probably the millionth time since Nathan left me. I couldn't hide the fact that I was bummed since I was single now, and I actually really loved the guy, but I don't hate myself for doing what I did either. He just had to deal with it and accept it, but he couldn't. I didn't know who should be blamed.
"I had one," I said in bitterness. "Not anymore."
* * *
I had changed, and I was sure of that. Waiting for the perfect opportunity to dance the night away, I stepped into the club with Cambria and her two new friends, as I searched the place for familiar faces. I did, and went up to them, but when we started talking, dancing, and drinking drinks that we had gotten by using fake identity cards, I immediately felt different, like I didn't belong to this kind of crowd anymore.
"Look over there," my friend, Kristin, said to me, as she pointed to a guy centered in the middle of the dance floor. "Isn't he hot?"
I meekly nodded, and in return, she elbowed me and said, "That's why you should walk up to him and...you know the drill…"
With her wink, I felt my body stiffen, as I tried to register her words and think about my next actions. I would usually walk up to very attractive strangers without thinking twice, but after I landed myself into boarding school, I was actually starting to think and make better judgments. I was growing up. I looked at her, and then back to guy who had noticed me. The new face smiled at me which I took as genuine, and so, I went up to him. I was dying to have some fun, but maybe not too much since Nathan still kept clouding my head. When we stood in front of another, he held his hand out for me to shake and introduced himself.
"Grant," he said in a raspy, but yet sexy voice, which was so much different from Nate's.
He looked at me with interest and I blushed which I must say was so un-'me.' I gave him my name, and after doing so and seeing as we stood on the dance floor, he asked me if I wanted to dance with him. Me being me, I said yes. The pace of the song was pretty fast, and so, I found myself shaking my behind, as he stretched his arms out and put them on each side of my waist. After a minute or so, his fingers gripped my hips, and I was grinding. God, I must be drunk.
"You look beautiful," he whispered into my ear, as his breath trickled down my neck.
What he said kind of alerted me, and I was starting to feel awkward. The guy practically didn't know me, and here he was calling me beautiful already. Manwhore. I laughed inwardly and continued dancing. I grew tired after half an hour, and so, I told Grant I wanted to sit down.
"Sure,
no problem," he said. "We can head over to my friends."
I shook my head and answered, "How about we merge. My friends are here too and they'll be ecstatic to meet new people. Of course they have to be hot."
He laughed at my attempt at a joke and then took my hand, as he led me to his friends. They were a big group, and the girls who were with them looked pretty slutty. Yes, sluttier than me even. The guys on the other hand looked pretty decent, but that thought of mine immediately changed when I caught a few of them looking at me as they wet their lips with their tongue. Eww.
"Hey guys, this is Alex," Grant started, "I'm going to head over to her crowd. Do you guys want to come?"
All of them nodded their heads and after a while, they stood up. We headed up the stairs, and in to the V.I.P. room. Why the special treatment? We were supermodels. Duh. I swung the door open, and once Grant stepped into view, my friends' jaws dropped in admiration. Grant was hot, but he wasn't my type, and I didn't know why I wasn't attracted to him. If I had met him before, I would've kissed him already, banged him even, but tonight, the present, felt different, and I knew why, Nathan.
"Guys, this is Grant," I introduced. "Grant, meet my friends."
He nodded his head before he hugged the girls and exchanged handshakes with the guys. He and his friends immediately felt like part of the group, and I couldn't help but smile. I wouldn't consider this as one of the best days of my life, but this definitely made me happy, but only for a while.
It was already past midnight, around two to be more specific, but our night, my night, wasn't still about to end. My friends and I had actually just started, and what were we doing at the moment? We were taking shots, body shots to be more exact, and since I was the luckiest girl in the whole wide world (sarcasm), it was my turn to lie down on the table. I did exactly that before I pulled my shirt up to reveal my belly button. Johnson, a friend of mine, started to pour an alcoholic drink and salt onto my stomach while Grant, the victim, lowered his head, as he stuck out his tongue for it to wipe my stomach clean. It was ticklish, but definitely enjoyable. I hadn't had this kind of thing in so long. Sure, I went to crazy parties in Ridgeway, but the things I did before I was shipped off to boarding school were crazier…and more stupid.
"All clean," Grant said, licking his lips in amusement.
I got up from the table and pulled down my shirt before I smiled at my friends who stood before me with mischievous smirks plastered on their faces. I ignored their facial expressions, and instead, said, "Who's next?"
We spun the bottle, to be fair, and it stopped and then pointed to Cambria. Long 'oooh's erupted from everyone, and before we could tell her to go lie down on the table, she looked excited, and took her place. The drink and the salt were spilled onto the skin on her shoulder, near her neck, as Cameron, stuck his tongue out and put it against Cambria's bare skin. This 'game' went on for another half an hour or so, and when almost everyone was completely drunk, we decided to go home. I couldn't wait.
"Do you want me to take you home?" Grant, taking a hold of my waist with his cold flesh, asked me.
I looked at him, and then to Cambria before I shook my head and answered, "Nah. It's alright. Cam here can take me."
My girl friend looked at me like I was crazy, and I could only smile meekly back at her. I knew what she was thinking. Why wasn't Alex willing to be taken home by Grant? It would be a lie if I told myself that I wanted to change, that I wanted everything to be like before. I didn't. All I wanted was Nate.
* * *
The sky above Nathan Adams was bright. The sun glistened; the waters glittered; the surroundings were lively. But his heart felt different, completely the opposite. It had been a couple of days since he fought with Alex and last saw her, and he wasn't going to lie to himself. He missed her. He really did, but all he could do was think and wish for the better. They were now miles away, he, in the O.C. while she was in New York, and he probably had a clear picture of what she was probably doing at the moment, partying, drinking, and that sort. He shook his head in disbelief. He couldn't believe he had actually fallen for her, but he couldn't help it. She seemed…perfect. That was until he went with her to her pictorial. Every feeling of passion faded away in that instant. How could she do that to him? To herself? She was treating herself like a…like a…thing.
"Nate, you better get ready," Riley said, bringing her brother back to reality. "The party's about to start, and we need to leave."
They looked at each other, and with one gaze, she immediately knew what was clouding her brother's mind. Her best friend. She wasn't mad at Alex, never, not even disappointed. She reacted the same way the first time she learned about the nastier part of her being a supermodel. She got irritated, but somehow, what she felt couldn't compare to what her brother was agonizing about. Nathan took a harder blow. His heart was aching. And what scared Riley the most was that if her brother wasn't willing to give her friend a second chance. He needed to accept her and what she did. Or else…
"I will. I will," he answered, as he buttoned his polo half-way leaving a few buttons open.
Riley rested a hand on his shoulder, as she tried to soothe him. She was starting to worry for real. Ever since Nathan had arrived, he hadn't laughed nor jumped for joy. Sure he smiled, but it was what you'd call being plastic in order not to hurt the other's feelings. He loved her. He still did. But he was stubborn. She knew he didn't want to get his pride stepped on by his heart, and that was what Alex was doing to him, unconsciously of course.
"Okay, take care," Riley said before she left to pretty her own self up.
The door closed softly behind him, and he let out a deep sigh of slight confusion and tiredness. He laid on his bed, with his back against the soft mattress while his legs dangled on the edge of the bed. Sounding exasperated, he exhaled deeply and then covered his face with his hands. Trying to wake himself up, he rubbed his eyes before he sat up and did last minute preparations. After thirty minutes, he left his room and joined his family with Anthony downstairs. They entered their Rolls Royce as they headed over to their village's lush Country Club. During the ride, Nathan didn't speak nor did he engage in a conversation. Well…he did, after Riley pulled a few of his strings.
"Nathan, you can't be acting like that," Riley said, sounding annoyed.
"And why can't I?"
"Because," she said unsure of how to answer her brother. "Alex is probably dealing with your break-up in a better way than you are."
"Honey," Riley and Nathan's parents warned their daughter.
Mother and father knew how much talking about a girl was a sensitive topic for their son. They knew how he had always dated, and played with the hearts of many girls, that was why they were enthusiastic to hear the news of their eldest child being changed, for the better. They weren't mad at Alex or at the things she did which had ended the couple's relationship. They weren't blaming anyone and were just simply saddened and disappointed.
"We are not 'broken-up' yet," Nathan said firmly stopping word after word.
Sure he spoke but it was in a tone of irritation. Well…something's better than nothing…
"Just…I don't like seeing you like this," Riley revealed, as she took her boyfriend's hand for comfort.
Nathan, for the first time, felt something else aside from deception to sympathy. When he looked at his sister a feeling of worry ran through his veins. She was his sibling. The teary-eyed woman was his little sister. She cared for him so, so much.
"I'm not mad at anyone," she continued, tugging at Anthony's polo. "I just want you two to make up. You guys were happy. Why did you have to get mad?"
And then something unexpected happened. Riley hit her brother. The smack was nothing like a girly girl's punch. The contact was full of sorrow, sadness…and anger, and it hit Nathan on his chest, a place very near his heart.
"Riley, stop," Anthony said, as he got his girlfriend's hand and held them tightly.
"Riley, dear," her mother started. "Why did you do
that?"
Riley could only let a tear fall from her eye, and to soothe her, Anthony pulled her head closer to his chest. Their position remained like that, Anthony caressing Riley while she with a handkerchief on her face, sobbed until they arrived at their destination. One-by-one they got out of the luxury car and took to elevator before they arrived at the main ballroom.
The place was decorated lushly with gold and black cloths hanging from end to end from the ceiling. The tables and chairs were covered with the same material of the same color while the walls had posters of then and now celebrities stuck on then. This was supposedly a getting-to-know party, and a few days from tonight, they were going to have another ball, for Christmas. Christmas…Nathan thought. He had expected to spend his Christmas with Alex beside him.
The Heaven I Found In Hell Page 31
