He didn’t let up; he kept pushing his tongue into me, fucking me with it. The way his hands gripped my hips, holding me still for him as he did what he pleased, had me screaming with ecstasy when his oral stimulation took me over the edge.
My entire body pulsed with the climax. I’d never felt anything like that before. And then August was kissing his way up my body, stopping to run his tongue around my belly button a few times. He caught each tit, nipping and sucking them back and forth, before coming up to my face and kissing me with a hard kiss. “Ready?” he asked when he pulled his mouth away from mine.
I searched his eyes as I bit my lower lip. “Do it. Take my virginity, August Harlow.”
He eased down onto me, no longer hovering over my body, but letting his weight bear me down into the mattress. His mouth took mine again as he hooked his hands behind each of my knees, bringing them up so my feet were on the mattress. The next thing I knew a burning sensation hit me hard and heavy as he thrust his cock into me.
“August!” I screamed with the pain.
“Hush, baby. It’s going to be okay.” He stayed perfectly still, letting the pain ebb. When my desperate pants eased, he pulled his cock nearly all the way out then pushed it in again. And this time, it didn’t hurt as much.
Although the pain was there, so was something else. Pleasure.
His hands moved up and down my arms as he started his smooth, even thrusts into me. Soft lips grazed up and down my neck and then went further, stopping at the spot just behind my right ear. He bit, licked and sucked that same spot until my body quaked with an orgasm.
“August!” I screamed again and again as the orgasm shook me to my core.
If anyone had told me that sex could feel that amazing, then I’d have told them they were lying. Nothing seemed real in that moment. The feelings coursing through my body were too great, too fantastic. It had to all be a dream. It had to be!
The hot guy from next door hadn’t really come to me as I sat outside in the middle of the night. He’d never paid any real attention to me before, so why now?
“Baby, you’ve given me the best going away present.” His lips were back on mine, his tongue forcing its way in, taking me over.
Oh, yeah. He’d be leaving me soon. The dream-like state faded as reality set in. I’d just given my virginity to a man who couldn’t be with me. A marine who had dangerous missions to get to. A marine who might never come back home.
And with those thoughts, I turned into one sexy, insatiable girl—I needed more. “Oh, baby. I had no idea how good this would be. You’ve given me one hell of a going away present, too.” I arched my body up, letting him know I wanted more.
The smile he gave me sent my heart into triple time. “Oh, Tawny Matthews, you are something else, aren’t you?”
“I want you to do things to me that you’ve only dreamt about. Show me things I’ve never even thought about before. Fuck me all night long. Leave me burning with memories I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life—memories of the one night I had August Harlow between my legs.” My hand ran around to the back of his neck, and I pulled him in to kiss me again.
Moving his cock inside me again, he thrust harder than ever as he pulled my legs to wrap around him. He came with a loud groan, and the wet heat of his cum filling me spurred my body into another orgasm.
Panting like wild animals on the hunt, we fought to regain our breath. His cock still lay inside of me; I’d never felt more connected to another person than I did just then with him inside of me like that. His dick, not nearly as hard as it had been, felt good inside my walls, which had been burning with the stretching they’d done to fit his girth and length.
Our breathing grew softer, and he pulled his head off my shoulder to look at me. “Hey, beautiful.” His lips pressed against my forehead. “At least you’ll never have to go through that again. From here on out, you’ll only feel pleasure when you do this.” He began to move his cock inside of me, and I could feel it pulsing back to a hard state. “It would be selfish of me to ask you not to let another man touch you, with where I’m heading, wouldn’t it?”
Blinking, I couldn’t quite figure out what he was saying. Did he want me? Like, long term?
“August, if you didn’t have to go, would you and I…” I didn’t know how to say the words and closed my eyes in frustration.
“I’d want to be with you if I didn’t have to go.” He kissed my cheek. “You’d be my girl if I could stay. I’d take you out on dates and take you to cheap motels where we’d screw like rabbits—if I didn’t have to go. Hell, one day we might even have gotten married and had a houseful of babies.”
“If you didn’t have to go,” I finished his thought.
“But I do have to go.” He began peppering my face with soft kisses as his cock got even harder and he started moving back and forth within me.
He was right about the pain being a thing of the past, as now his girth only served to excite me. The way he moved on top of me had me moaning and making odd little mewling sounds that I’d never made before. “I’ll never give what I’m giving you to another man. Not ever. I’m yours, August Harlow. Only yours. Take that promise with you, August.”
The smile that spread over his handsome face left me nearly breathless. “And I’m yours, Tawny Matthews. Always and forever.” His lips pressed against mine, sealing our little fake pact.
We both knew that it wasn’t real. Well, I knew he’d have sex with other women. But my words were real—I meant them at the time. I was his. Only his. There was no way I could imagine having sex with another man in that moment, or having it be this good with anyone else.
That night, August took me so many ways it boggled my mind. He’d left me with so many memories that I had enough to last me a lifetime. We made love in the shower, on the floor in the hallway—he couldn’t seem to keep his cock out of me…
With all the memories flooding my mind, I opened my eyes, feeling the need for a little self-love. Pulling the drawer on the nightstand open, I’d just reached inside to get my vibrator when a knock came at my door.
For the briefest of moments, I thought it might be August. But then a little voice called out, “Momma, I’m scared. Can I sleep with you?”
Ah, reality hit me once more. No self-love tonight, Tawny.
Chapter Five
August
After a video conference with my partners about the nightclub, I headed out of the conference room and into my office.
I’d gotten myself a suite of offices to work out of for the charities I gave to regularly. With myself and one other member to staff the place, I only needed three rooms: my office, Tammy’s, and the conference room. Tammy’s served as the lobby too.
“Tammy, you can leave after lunch today since it’s Friday,” I called out to her as I walked past her office.
“Thanks, sir,” she shouted back at me. The poor old thing was hard of hearing, but she was a wiz with research and helped me pick the best charities to give to.
As I took the seat at my desk, I spotted the date on the large calendar. It had been a solid week, seven whole days since I’d seen Tawny. She had taken up permanent space in my mind, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her all the time.
So, I called my sister up. “Happy Friday, August.”
“To you, too.” I tapped a pencil on the desktop. “So, it’s been a week, and Tawny Matthews is still on my mind. That said, are you free to babysit tonight?”
“I am,” she said, then paused. “I’ve been thinking, though.”
“About what?” I swiveled my chair around and looked out the window. The sky was a clear blue, telling me they had finally gotten the Big Bear fires put out.
“About your, um, uh…I guess you’d call it a condition.” She stopped, and I gritted my teeth.
“What about it?” My hand went right to my head, massaging my temples as tension filled it.
“Well, have you talked to your therapist about this? You know you h
aven’t dated since you were discharged. You might not do well with that kind of pressure.” She meant well, I knew that. But she didn’t understand.
“I’ve been with women since I’ve been back, Leila,” I corrected her.
“But you haven’t dated,” she attempted to correct me. “You’ve met women at bars and hooked up, but you haven’t tried to have a relationship with anyone. And you’ve probably already done a number on Tawny before, loving her, then leaving her.”
“Like I had a choice, Leila,” aggravation filled my voice. Tawny knew I’d had to go.
“Back then you didn’t. But now that you do, she’ll want more from you if you guys go out. She’d expect more this time around. You have to admit that to yourself. And you’re not exactly in a condition to be there for anyone yet,” my sister said gently, reminding me of my problems.
“I’ve only had three episodes in the last four months. That’s progress, considering I had one almost every day when I first came back.” Getting up, I headed to the window to look outside as I tried to hold onto my temper.
“You’ve only been in therapy for one year, August. Give yourself more time, man. Don’t push yourself to do too much too soon. A relationship takes work.”
I had to butt in, “Leila, a relationship, really? I’m talking about taking the girl to dinner, not asking her to marry me.”
She laughed a little. “Okay, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. I live in the future, you know that. Always thinking ahead. Dating isn’t like meeting a girl in a club, August. It’s not like fucking girls while you’re in the marines either. One date leads to another and another and more after that, then there’s just hanging out together, doing nothing at all. And then there’s her kid to think about.”
“And what about him?” I asked. She wasn’t making sense to me.
“Kids make sudden noises. Sudden noises have been known to set you off,” she said. “Just call your therapist before you ask her out. See what he thinks.”
“Fuck!” She was right. I had to think ahead. “I’ll call him now. Bye.”
“I love you, baby brother.” She hung up, and I pounded the wall with my fist.
Why can’t I just be normal?
Taking a seat at my desk again, I made the call to my therapist. His secretary patched me through to his personal cell since he wasn’t in the office. “Doctor Schmidt here.”
“Hey, Doc, it’s August.” My head began to pound; my mouth went dry.
“August, how are you doing?” his voice cracked. Age had taken a toll on the old therapist, who specialized in helping ex-military people deal with PTSD. The good doctor had served in Vietnam and knew all too well the perils of war and what goes along with them.
But even Dr. Schmidt hadn’t seen the kinds of things that people serving in this war had seen. But I had. Everything I’d been through during my deployment continued to clutter up my head, making me see things that weren’t there, people who were no longer here, but showed up in my brain anyway.
“I’m doing okay. I’m calling because a woman from my past has moved into town. I saw her last week and would like to take her out. She was my neighbor in the little town we grew up in. She’s got a young son, too. I think he might be mine,” I said, as I smiled at the thought.
I might have a son.
“Is the young lady unsure of who the father is?” he asked with concern.
“I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t know. We didn’t get to talk much. I ran into her at the Science Center; she was there for her son’s field trip. She had to get going, but I told her I’d like to take her out sometime and she agreed.”
“Oh, I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship, August,” he interrupted me. “You’re doing well, but that might put too much stress on you. I know I’ve cautioned you about your business dealings being too much for you, and for the most part they haven’t been. But a woman and a child, too? I’m afraid of what might happen. A grown woman might be able to handle one of your episodes, but a child…well, you’d scare a child if you had one in front of the poor thing.”
Even he thought I wasn’t ready. But why did everyone keep saying shit about a relationship? It was one damn date! “Okay, so a relationship is out for me right now. But how about one date, Doc?”
“You knew this girl from back home. You think you might be the father of her child, and you think this is about one date?” he asked me with a hard tone. “This isn’t about one date and you know it, or else you wouldn’t have called me. This is about getting involved with two people, her and her son. And that’s a thing you’re not ready for. Perhaps if you’d stayed on either of the medications I’ve prescribed for you, then you’d be ready for something like this. You’re the one who refuses to take medication to help your condition.”
“I didn’t like the way they made me feel. I don’t like to go through life feeling numb, Doc. And therapy is working for me. If you’ll recall, I’ve only had three episodes in the last four months. I’m getting a hell of a lot better.” Someone besides me had to see the fact that I was whipping this PTSD shit’s ass without the use of pills.
“Wait until after our usual appointment to ask this young woman out. That’s my opinion—the thing you called me to get, I’ll remind you. Goodbye, August, see you next Thursday.”
The call over, my doctor’s orders given, I put my phone down and dropped my head.
If I could do anything over again, it would be to make sure I didn’t lose my Glock on that raid that night. If I had never lost it, then I would’ve never been issued a new one. A faulty one. It wouldn’t have misfired, and it wouldn’t have left one of my good friends and fellow marines dead. Then I wouldn’t have this PTSD shit—or not quite as bad as I had it, anyway.
John Black, a good man and a friend, is the reason I received the millions of dollars that I then turned into billions. I’d won a lawsuit against the manufacturer of the gun that killed John, and walked the payout into an investment firm owned by my now partner, Gannon Forester. Gannon took the money and invested it in the same things he’d invested in.
All I wanted the money for in the first place was to keep John Black’s name alive. I might’ve accidentally killed the man, but by the Grace of God, I was able to make generous donations to charities around the world, helping people in his name.
I’d achieved my goal in that regard, but I had yet to reach my goal of being able to live a normal life as a civilian—to reach my goal of not being tortured by what happened that awful day. The attacks would always start out of nowhere; I’d be living my life as usual, and then I’d see John, clear as day. My heart would pound, thinking the same damn thing every time: he’s alive!
I’d smile at the man who looked healthy as a horse, the way he always had. I’d call out his name then something would flash, and the sound of a bullet ripping through the air would sizzle in my head. John’s face would become distorted, and then he’d get hit in the side of the head with the bullet that had exited my Glock all on its own.
Blood would pool around him as he lay on the floor, his blue eyes open still, looking at me, silently asking what I had done to him. And that’s when I’d begin screaming. Over and over, I’d scream his name and then I’d just scream until someone managed to drag me back to reality.
I wouldn’t wish that life on anyone. But I sure as hell wish it would just go the fuck away and leave me alone.
John Black couldn’t come back. The money I’d made went to helping others. I’d made sure that some positives would come out of that terrible moment. But my brain refused to let it go. My mind held that horrible memory in a steel cage. And when I least expected it, the cage would open, replaying the scene for me to experience in its entirety once more.
When would the pain end?
Chapter Six
Tawny
A week and a half passed with no call from August. Maybe he’d been too busy, or too involved with someone else to make the call. I had no idea, but I knew one thi
ng for sure—I didn’t ever want to be a burden to the man, especially not after he’d served our country.
If he didn’t want to see me, then so be it. I’d dealt with worse scenarios before—I’d already handled the idea that I’d never get to lay eyes on him again, or that he’d never come back alive. I could learn to handle the fact that we lived in the same town, and that he knew that, but just didn’t want me.
That night we’d shared, the things we’d said to each other, it was all just a fantasy. Our emotions were heightened, and we were both living a dream, afraid of the future. None of it was real. Well, none of it on his part anyway.
The fact remained that I’d felt as if I belonged to August Harlow for a long time. A big piece of my heart had become his with our first touch. I wouldn’t say I’d pined for him after he left—not exactly—but a part of me had changed that night. He’d filled my dreams for years, and even in the more recent years, he’d sneak into them every now and then.
Lately, ever since I’d seen him again, he’d become all I could think about: about the scent of his hair and how it’d feel if I could run my hands through it again; about how his body would look now with nothing covering it.
I bet he’s got tats now.
What kinds of tattoos would I find covering his tanned flesh? What new and interesting things did he have to talk about or show me? Would that old chemistry still ignite the passion it had seven years ago?
I wanted nothing more than to get answers to all those questions and the many others that filled my mind. But I wasn’t going to get any answers because, for whatever reason, August chose not to call me. He chose not to take me out the way he’d said he wanted to at the Science Center. He chose to ignore me.
And I was going to let him. Because he didn’t owe me a thing.
After dropping Calum off at school, I headed to do a little shopping—window shopping, that is. I couldn’t afford a thing on Rodeo Drive, but it didn’t stop me from walking up and down the sidewalks to look at all the hip and trendy things displayed in the many windows.
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