“Oh, I don’t think it’s a problem,” Calum said as he shook his head. “I just like snuggling with Momma is all.”
“Me, too,” August said, making me blush.
Calum nodded. “She’s very cozy.”
“I agree,” August added. “Maybe we can come up with a deal, so she doesn’t get sick of us snuggling her all the time. I get her at night, and you get her all day.”
Calum chewed his lower lip as he thought about that. “Well, maybe that might be okay. But how ’bout this idea. If I wake up, and I’m feeling scared, can Momma come sleep with me then?”
August smiled, and he reached out to shake our son’s little hand. “That’s a deal, son.”
As they shook hands, I sighed, knowing my life really was changing—and fast.
After we ate dinner and gave Calum a bath, we tucked him in, August reading him a book while I sat on the other side of our son, stroking his hair. The way Calum looked at us both made my heart swell with joy.
My little boy was finally getting to feel what his friends had felt their whole lives, the love of a mother and father who adored him.
We stayed with him until he’d fallen asleep. True to what his father had told him just after dinner, there was a baby monitor placed on the nightstand next to his bed. All he had to do if he woke up and was afraid was call out to me, and I’d come running. August had placed the receiving monitor on the nightstand on the right side of his bed, which he told me was mine now.
August was trying hard to make things work perfectly. And so far, everything was going the way he wanted—and I loved it all, too.
Somehow August made Calum do things I couldn’t. And he did so without hurting our son. More love built up in my heart for the man with each passing day.
When we climbed into bed that first night, I felt a sense of relief. No longer did I have to carry all the responsibility of raising our son on my shoulders alone. Now there was a father to share that with. And soon he’d be my husband, and we’d grow our family together.
In my wildest dreams, I had never imagined my life turning out like this.
We made love that night, soft and sweet. Our bodies moved together like they’d been built just for each other. He moved with soft thrusts, and I arched up to meet each one. Our love filled the entire room as we simultaneously climaxed.
He brushed my hair back as he looked into my eyes. “I love you more than you can even understand, baby.”
“I understand perfectly because I love you that much too.” I kissed his bearded cheek and ran my hand over the tattoo on his left pec. Semper Fi was written in text, surrounded by guns, an eagle, and a chopper. Quite the work of art, and I loved the way it looked on him.
My marine was one rugged man. He would always be my hero.
Falling asleep in his arms was like heaven to me. Though I was a little annoyed when he’d brought it up, I couldn’t be happier that he’d made our son feel comfortable with us being able to do this.
Life would be fantastic with August by my side.
Hours had passed when my eyes suddenly flew open, my sleep disturbed by August as he tossed and turned beside me. Some mumbled words came from him, and I reached over to shake him awake. “August, wake up, you’re having a bad dream.”
His left arm flew back, smacking me in the face. I tasted blood right away, my lip busted from the blow. “August!” I shouted and moved back.
Blood was rolling down my arm as my hand covered my mouth. I rolled over and over until I got to the edge of the huge bed. Grabbing some tissue off the nightstand, I held it to my lip and went to the bathroom as August continued to move around, mumbling indiscernible things in his sleep.
The bathroom light turned on remotely as I entered the room, the way all the lights in the house did. I found my lower lip had been split pretty good, but it wouldn’t need stitches. Wetting a cloth, I held it to my lip until the bleeding stopped, then headed back into the bedroom to try to wake August without getting hit this time.
The blankets were a mess as he tossed back and forth before sitting up abruptly, his eyes open and scanning the room.
“August,” I said in a calm voice. “Are you awake?”
“You!” he shouted as his eyes came to rest on me. Then he looked over his shoulder as if he saw someone else there. “Get her!” he shouted as he pointed at me.
“August, stop!” I shouted as he got off the bed, coming toward me. “No! Wake up, dammit!”
I was only a few steps out of the bathroom, and I quickly turned to lock myself in. When he saw I planned to retreat into the bathroom, he sped up. His hands caught me by the throat. “I’ve got the spy.”
I couldn’t say a thing as he’d cut off my wind. Then he lifted me by the throat until my feet left the ground. I struggled and hit him to make him let me go, but my efforts proved to be futile.
Once more, he looked back over his shoulder as if someone was talking to him. “Yes, sir,” he said, and then placed my feet on the ground, releasing his grip on my throat. “On your knees. Don’t even think about trying to get away or I’ll kill you, you damn spy.”
I went to my knees, gasping to get air into my lungs. Then I saw his feet walking away from me as he barked an order to some imaginary soldier, “Take her to camp.”
Crawling on my hands and knees as fast as I could, I made it into the bathroom. Closing and locking the door behind me, I took a few minutes to breath and calm down before filling two cups with cold water and heading back out. I found August still in his dream-like state, glaring at me.
“How’d you get away from my men, you dirty spy?” he bellowed as he moved toward me.
Once he was close enough, I tossed both cups of water in his face, and he stopped solidly in place. Shaking his head, he wiped his face with his hands. The look in his eyes had changed, and August was back. “August!”
He blinked as he looked at me. “Your lip’s busted.”
My chest heaved as I tried hard not to cry, but failed miserably. Breaking down, I ended up on the floor, a puddle of emotion.
“Baby, what’s happening?” he asked as he scooped me up. “Did you fall and hit your mouth on something?”
Carrying me to the bed, he laid me down then ran his hands over his face once more. “Why am I wet?”
I had to pull myself together to explain what happened. So, breathing deep, I choked back the sobs and sat up. “You had some kind of a dream. Your arm flew back and connected with my face when I tried to shake you awake. Then you…” I broke down again.
I’ve never considered myself to be weak. I’d stayed in control through some terrible situations since I first became a nurse, but this was different.
I wasn’t safe with the man I loved. What the hell could we do when he wasn’t in control of himself while he slept?
“I hit you?” he asked, as he sat down on the bed beside me.
With a nod, I answered his question. “Then you called me a spy and started choking me.”
He reached out, pushing my hair back, looking at the marks his hands must’ve left on my neck. “My God!” Horror filled his expression. “I’ve hurt you.”
We stared at one another for the longest time, both of us knowing this was too serious to ignore. After a while he got up, walked around the bed, grabbed the baby monitor and came back to me. We were both naked, as we’d fallen asleep that way after making love. He didn’t bother to put anything on either of us as he scooped me up his arms then took me to my old bedroom, placing me in that bed. “You’re safe here.”
He turned to leave, and I couldn’t stop myself as I called out, “Don’t. Don’t leave me, August.”
Without looking back at me, he shook his head. “I can’t put you in danger. I’ll go see my therapist first thing in the morning. I love you. Try to get some sleep.”
With that, he left me alone in my bedroom. And as I laid there, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something terrible had intercepted all the joy we’d found. And my
heart hurt because I didn’t know if I could feel safe here anymore.
Going to my closet, I put on some pajamas then went to Calum’s room. Locking the door behind me, I climbed into his bed, pulling him to cuddle with me. With the locked door between August and us, I felt better.
This wasn’t how I thought things would go at all. In my fantasies, August and I would be this perfect couple. I’d dreamt about it many times, about August coming back into my life and us getting our fairy tale ending, especially when I was pregnant with our son. Back then, my biggest dream had been that one day he’d come back into my life and ask me to marry him, making us a real family.
That part had happened. But I’d never thought in a million years that we’d have a problem as big as this one seemed to be.
He’d shut me out. That wasn’t a thing I ever saw in my fantasies. No, I saw us getting along well. But for that to happen, he’d need to listen to me about things—especially important things like this. And he wasn’t doing that. He was taking everything on himself, leaving me out.
Would I be able to deal with a life with him that was so very different from the life I’d envisioned? How would I be able to handle the disappointment of another dream shattered?
Chapter Twenty-two
August
I left the house early the next morning. Facing Tawny after what I’d done to her proved too hard for me to do. My therapist’s office didn’t open until nine, so I waited in the park nearby.
My cell rang at eight-thirty. Tawny’s name shone up at me. “Hi,” I answered.
“August, where are you?” she asked, concern etching her tone.
“I told you last night I’d be seeing my therapist first thing this morning, Tawny.” A car drove by, and I saw Doctor Schmidt inside of it. “Hey, he’s here. I’ll call you later.”
“August, call me as soon as you’re done there. I’ve been doing some research. I want to talk to you about it.”
My heart ached, and my head felt as if I’d been in a boxing match with Mike Tyson. I felt hopeless.
Everything had been going so right. But I’d failed to remember my little affliction. It would never be safe for Calum or Tawny.
Coming in just behind the doctor, I seemed to have startled him. “Oh, goodness, August. What has you here so early?” He looked at the calendar that hung on the wall. “Wait, today isn’t your normal day.”
“No, it’s not. Something’s happened. I’ve hurt someone.” I took a seat on the sofa, the one I usually sat on for our therapy sessions. “Someone I love.”
“I was afraid of this,” he said as he took his usual seat. “August, I know you’ve made great strides, but you’re not far enough along that there wouldn’t be complications when seeing someone seriously. So, tell me what happened.”
I told him what I knew. “I had a bad dream. I don’t remember the dream at all, or even recall having one. She said she tried to wake me up and I hit her in the face, busting her lip. That was bad enough. But she said I choked her, too. My handprints were all over her neck, Doc.” Tears trickled down my face as shame and horror overtook me. “How can I make this stop?”
“It takes time,” he told me, handing me a box of tissue. “August, you were a working marine for six years. You’ve seen things, participated in things, and performed acts of war that most civilians could never imagine. That all builds up inside of a person’s brain.”
“I had no idea I was having these types of dreams, Doc. How could I not know that?” I asked him. It was tearing me apart that I’d brought the woman I loved to my bed not knowing I might hurt her physically.
“My advice, for now, is to let me prescribe something for you. Zoloft, I think, might be best.” He pulled out a prescription pad and began to write on it.
I didn’t want to take pills. I hated the way they made me feel—numb and unfocused. “No.”
He looked at me with a frown on his wrinkled old face. “August, you need more than just therapy to manage this at the moment. You need medication. If you had, let’s say…hypertension, then you’d take a pill for that. If you had diabetes, you’d take medication for that. Why can’t you look at this like the disease it is?”
“Because this is mental. This isn’t physical, and I will not turn into a damn zombie to win this battle.” I got up and slammed out of his office.
Nothing he did was working for me. I needed more. I needed some real help. Maybe a whole damn team to help me get over this thing.
I could do this. I knew I could. I could do it because I had at least two reasons to, now. Before, I didn’t have anyone to do it for. But now I did, and I’d beat this thing.
Getting into my car, I pounded the steering wheel in frustration. I had all the money in the world at my disposal and no idea how to get the help I really needed.
My cell dinged, and I looked at it. Tawny had sent me a text, telling me to come home and talk to her, that she had a lot to tell me.
So, I drove home, not sure what she had to say, but putting my trust in her the way she’d done me. If she and I were going to get married, then I had to learn to lean on her, too. It was time to admit to myself for once that I had weaknesses, just like anyone else. I wasn’t the hero she thought I was.
I’d been a merciless killer at times. I’d been a man who shot first and asked questions later—that was what I was trained to be. I may have killed innocent people; I had no way of knowing for sure. Shooting from a moving helicopter at a shifting mass of what we thought were rebels, I could’ve killed innocents. That was the terrible consequence of war, the casualties of combat.
Thankfully, Calum was away at school when I got home. Facing the little guy would’ve made everything even harder. Tawny must’ve been waiting with her ears pricked because she ran to me as soon as I came into the foyer. “August!” She threw her arms around me, hugging me.
My arms moved to hold her, wishing like hell I wasn’t so fucked up. “Baby, I am so sorry.”
“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything on purpose.” She pulled back to look at me, and her swollen lower lip hurt to look at. “August, I’ve been bitten by scared little kids, kicked by expectant mothers with low pain thresholds, and once I was smacked in the face by an old lady’s purse when I came up behind her too fast and frightened her. Her purse left both lips busted.” She tried to make light of the situation, but it didn’t help me at all.
“Don’t, Tawny. This is bad. This is really bad. I had no idea I did things like that when I slept.” I took her hand, rubbing the back of it, loving the way her soft skin felt beneath my fingers.
“Well, that’s understandable, as no one’s ever actually slept a whole night with you on a regular basis.” She pulled me into the main living room and we sat down. Her laptop was open on the coffee table. She swiped the screen, and a picture came up. “This is what I wanted you to see. This is in West L.A., and I think it would be the perfect place for you. The stuff they do with people who have PTSD is groundbreaking and revolutionary.”
She picked up the computer, placing it on her lap and showing me everything about the place. One thing that stuck out was the fourteen-day treatment period where I’d have to stay in their facility. And the fact that they treated with drugs. And not the regular ones, either. No, they used a form of the drug known as ecstasy on the street, but they called it MDMA.
“Wow, that’s not your normal PTSD drug, Tawny.” I looked at her with concern. “My doctor has put me on every other drug they use for this, and I’ve never done well on any of them.”
“Well, this one works very differently from those,” she told me as she pointed out some of the testimonials. “These results can’t be ignored, baby.”
One of the patient testimonials said that the person who’d gone to the facility to try the treatment—which included taking the medication and receiving intense therapy—felt as if their soul had snapped back into their body.
That was a strong thing to say, I thought.
“I’d b
e away for two weeks.” I looked at Tawny, taking her face in my hands. “That seems like a long time to not get to see your beautiful face.”
“Well, I can get through half a month if it means we can have a lifetime together, sleeping together each night. You can do this, August. With the right help, you can get through this thing. And I’ll be here every step of the way. I’m not going anywhere.” She ran her hands over my whiskered cheeks.
“The truth is, I’m surprised you’re still here. I thought I’d hurt you so bad you’d feel you had to leave me. For your protection and Calum’s,” I admitted to her.
“I’m not that afraid of you. If I have to keep a bottle of water with me to pull you out of an episode, or chain you to your bed so your hands can’t do any damage, so be it. I’ll do whatever I have to, to keep you with me. I don’t give up on people in general, and those are mostly people who don’t mean a thing to me. You mean everything to me, August Harlow, and I’ll never give up on you. Not ever.”
She should give up, and I knew that. But dammit, that selfish part of me clung to her as if she were my only lifeline. “I’ll do it. I’ll go to that place, and I’ll try everything. I can be stubborn…”
“You don’t have to tell me that,” she interjected, smiling.
With a laugh, I picked up the computer, put it back on the coffee table and pulled her to sit on my lap. “Thank God for that full moon seven years ago.”
“I do all the time,” she added.
Our mouths met, and her sweet kiss made me believe that everything would be okay. It had to be. I had the best woman by my side. With her, I could beat anything that came my way.
In the meantime, I wasn’t going to waste a single moment I had with Tawny before I had to go. Moving her to lie back on the sofa, I moved my body to cover hers. She pushed on my shoulders, making our mouths part. “What are you doing?”
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