With the talk of the upcoming holiday, Calum came out of his funk. In no time at all, he was dancing around, talking about what he was going to do on Thanksgiving. He was also excited to get to say what he was thankful for, practicing how he would share that he was most thankful for finding his Dad.
As bad as my heart ached over the complications between me and August, and knowing that they wouldn’t get resolved any time in the foreseeable future, the joy of watching my son be so happy took over.
I could do this. I could do it for our son.
Chapter Thirty
August
My therapist’s words echoed in my head as I came into the house at seven thirty. “You shouldn’t force your fiancé to do something that hurts or upsets her, August.”
In short, he thought I was wrong for making Tawny leave my bedroom. She wasn’t some child; she was a grown woman and a nurse to boot. And I had to give her some credit for how she’d handled both situations. More than I’d been giving her, I supposed.
But it still gnawed at me that I might really hurt her, and that overrode anything anyone else thought.
As soon as I stepped into the central living area, I heard feet smacking the hardwood floor. “Dad!”
My little six-year-old flew through the air, the smile on his face melting my heart. “Son! My goodness, I missed you.” I caught him up in my arms, hugging him as his small arms ran around my neck.
Tawny came in behind him. “We’ve just finished dinner. Yours has been sitting in the oven, keeping warm.”
“I’ve already eaten.” Calum still clung to me as if I was a life preserver, and he was in stormy seas. “The meeting was about the menu. We had all these samples to taste. I have no room left.”
Tawny spun around. “I’ll let Tara know then.”
As she walked away, I sensed something off with her—there was a frigidness about her. Her eyes, usually so full of love, seemed dull. My heart thumped in my chest at the thought that she might be getting tired of dealing with me and my problems already.
Our love was new—fragile—maybe so new it was something she could easily walk away from. Maybe the doc was right. Maybe I shouldn’t make her do things she didn’t want to, like leaving my bed.
“Dad, am I gonna meet your parents?” Calum asked me with a wide grin on his cute little face.
“You are,” I said, kissing his rosy red cheek. “They’re going to love you almost as much as I do.”
“I bet I’ll love ‘em, too, then.” He was finally ready for me to put him down, and I placed him on the floor. “So, how was it in there, Dad?”
“Pretty good. Not as bad as I thought it might be. I missed you and your momma a lot tough.” My eyes darted to Tawny as she came back into the room. “It’s nearly his bedtime.”
“Yep,” she said, as she came and took Calum’s hand. “Bath time, then bedtime. Come on, kiddo.”
As they walked away, I realized Tawny hadn’t even given me a kiss hello. Now the chill was evident. There was something wrong here.
“I’ll meet you guys in Calum’s room at eight, then.” I shoved my hands into my pockets, rocking back and forth on my feet, feeling uneasy.
“’Kay,” Tawny called back without turning to look at me.
Had I really gone too far when I’d forced her out of my room despite her protests?
Strolling to the bar, I made myself a small glass of Scotch and took a seat. All my adult life I’d been making decisions for more than just myself. Had that made me hard?
Tawny and I had a connection—that much was true. But was it strong enough to withstand this hard time? And would she be able to love a man who was used to having things his way?
The truth was that Tawny and I were great together when it came to sex. And we were doing a great job at co-parenting Calum, I’d say. But what about the rest of the stuff that came with being a couple? Relationships were hard enough to sustain; could she handle all the extra baggage that came along with me?
After finishing the drink, I headed to Calum’s room, finding him dressed in some Paw Patrol pajamas and picking out a book from his bookshelf. “Hey, Dad. Here’s one Momma said is called The Princess and the Pea. Wanna read this one to me?”
“Sure do,” I said, and looked at Tawny, who seemed to be leaving the room. “Hey, you going somewhere?”
“Yeah, I’m going to my bedroom where I’m taking a long hot bath with a glass of wine, then turning in for the night. See you both tomorrow. Goodnight, sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite. Love you both.” She blew us a kiss before she left.
Now I knew I’d made her mad.
Gulping, I took a seat on the edge of Calum’s bed as he climbed in, snuggling under the blankets. “Momma said you and I should have father-son time from now on when you read me my bedtime story.”
“Hmm.” I wasn’t happy about that at all. She wasn’t even talking to me about anything. She’d just gone and made decisions all on her own—and she’d already done that for six years where Calum was concerned.
But I swallowed my anger and read the story to our son. As soon as he’d fallen asleep, I went to her bedroom door. It was locked.
Now the anger came back, and I knocked on the door with a loud bang. ‘Tawny!”
No response came, and I knocked harder, my voice louder when I called out to her. Yet still, there was no response. Pulling my cell out, I typed out a message, telling her to come to my bedroom because we needed to talk. But even that didn’t get an immediate response.
I headed to my bedroom, shucked my suit and got into the shower. My head was a mess, worry mixed with anger, and I hated how I felt. I finished my shower and headed out into my bedroom, wearing nothing more than a towel around my waist, and found Tawny sitting on one of the small sofas. She was wearing a fluffy white robe and sipping a glass of red wine.
“Why aren’t you in the bed waiting for me, Tawny?” I walked toward her slowly.
“I thought I’d let you get some sleep. What did you want?” She looked past me for some reason, deliberately avoiding my gaze.
“You thought you’d let me sleep?” I went to take a seat on the other sofa.
“Yeah. I’m tired. If we have sex…”
I interrupted her. “You mean, if we make love.”
“Yeah, whatever,” she flicked her hand in a little wave as if there was no difference. “If we did, then I’d most likely fall asleep and you don’t want that, so I’ll just fall asleep in my own bed tonight.” She acted like it wouldn’t bother her in the least, staying apart from me all night.
“I was gone for two weeks, and you think one night together is enough for me?” I ran my hand over my stomach as I thought about her agreeing to try to get pregnant.
“I didn’t say that.” She pulled the glass of wine to her lips, taking a long sip. “You don’t want me to sleep with you, August. I get it. I understand even. But that means that sometimes, when I feel really tired, I’ll have to forgo the lovemaking. Otherwise we might fall asleep together, and you don’t want that. I want to respect your wishes, that’s all.”
But that wasn’t all. If that was all, then she’d be able to look at me as she said it, which she didn’t. “Tawny, you can be truthful with me. Is something wrong?”
Finally, her eyes moved to meet mine. “August, of course, there’s something wrong. I love you. I want to sleep next to you, feel your arms around me, feel your body behind mine as we spoon the night away—every night. And I can’t have that. So, yes, there’s something wrong. But even so, I love you, and I want this to work. So, I’m not going to fight you about it anymore. I’ll sleep in my own room.”
She was giving me what I wanted, and yet she wasn’t. “I’ve missed you, Tawny. I really wanted to make love to you tonight. Or at least spend some time talking with you before you rushed off to bed.”
“And I’d love that, too. Do you think I haven’t missed you today? I have. But I’m just tired. It’s been a rough day.” She too
k another drink of the wine.
“And why has this day been so rough, baby?” I watched her take a bigger gulp of wine than her previous sips. She was obviously using the alcohol to cope with things.
“Okay, if you must know, I cried myself to sleep last night after you took me to my room. And I’ve been thinking all day about how I’d be selling myself short, living this separate kind of life with you. I even talked to your sister about moving out of here. I went so far as to call the lady I rented my apartment from and asked her if it was still available, if you must know.” She downed more wine.
Even though her words hit me square in the chest, I couldn’t help but notice that she was downing her drink too quickly—and relying on it too much during this conversation. I got up, walked over to her and took the glass from her hand. “No more of this. You should be clear-headed for this discussion.” Placing it on the table next to her, I sat down beside her. “Are you unhappy now?”
She looked me square in the eyes. “August, I am very unhappy now.”
It was never my intention to make her unhappy. But at least she was honest with me. “Do you think you’ll be okay in time?”
“I have no clue.” Her honesty was complete, but it was overwhelming.
Could I live with myself, knowing that she wasn’t as happy as she could be?
“My doctor advised me not to make you do anything that you don’t want to.” I ran my hand over her shoulder then up to her chin, taking it with my fingers to make her look at me, forcing her to take her gaze off the floor. “But Tawny, I am deathly afraid of hurting you. I am a trained killer—it would be so easy for me to hurt you by accident when I’m like that. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me to take you out of my bed and lock you away from me.”
“I’m sure it was hard. And I know what you’re afraid of.” She blinked a few times, and I could tell she was holding something back. Then she said it. “I’m afraid of this separating us, August. I’m afraid that our relationship is just too new to handle this right now. And I know this isn’t your fault. But it’s not mine either.”
Swallowing hard, I knew she was right. “Maybe I’m not meant to have a real relationship.”
All she could do was nod. “Maybe not.”
“I do love you.” I leaned forward to kiss her, but she pressed her hand against my lips, stopping the kiss. “You don’t want me to kiss you?” I asked incredulously.
“I do, but I’ll want so much more if you do that.” The way her brows furrowed told me she was teetering on the edge of something. “I think I’ll get used to this with time. But for now, I feel hurt when you make me leave. I’m trying my best to deal with this. I’m doing everything I can.”
What in the hell could I do?
“This is a thing I can’t control, Tawny,” I whispered, and then took her hand, holding it in mine and kissing each knuckle of her balled-up fist.
“You think I don’t know that?” She watched me as I kissed her hand with soft sweet kisses.
“What I think is this, baby.” Her skin felt soft beneath my hands as I ran them up her arms. “I think you and I can figure things out together. I think you and I can eventually have a normal life. So, how about we do this—you come to this bed, our bed, each night. We’ll be together, either holding each other or making love until you fall asleep. I’ll stay awake and carry you to your bed once you fall asleep.”
The sadness that took over her expression told me that wasn’t going to be enough for her. “If only that would make things better. But I know it won’t. I know I’ll wake up once I can’t feel your body close to mine. You’re a part of me; you have been since that first night. It was okay before, not to have you physically in my life, in my bed. Now that I have you, I need you like you’ll never understand.”
“Don’t you think there’s some way you can come to terms with this?” I asked her as I brushed her hair back, pinning a lock of it behind her ear. My lips yearned to graze over her neck. “For instance, if I had a job where I had to get up earlier than you did, would it bother you so much to be in the bed alone?”
“But it’s not like that. You’re just down the hallway, not gone.” She looked away as if nothing would ever make this any better.
I may have been considered the stubborn one in our relationship, but Tawny was proving to be pretty stubborn herself. And I was at a loss as to how to help her accept things for what they were.
As hard as it was to let her go, I did it. “I guess there’s nothing I can say then. Good night, Tawny. I love you.” Then I got up and walked away.
It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.
Chapter Thirty-one
Tawny
Thanksgiving came and went. At least the busy holiday season took my mind off how long it had been since August and I had been intimate.
We had gotten along alright. But with the lack of intimacy came a distance between us. When we were asked at the dinner table on Thanksgiving if we’d scheduled a date for the wedding, we’d both murmured a quiet no.
Leila took me aside, asking me how things were going. I told her what we were doing, and she told me to stay strong and give things time. I’d been doing that, but nothing was getting any better.
It began to feel as if August and I were roommates. We did things with Calum together, but I continued to let August read to him each night alone. I’d go take a bath and go to bed with a book, much the same as I’d done all the years before, when I was single. Only now, Calum wasn’t coming into my bed each night. The security of knowing there was a monitor right next to him so he could reach me was enough to end that little habit he’d had.
Little by little, I got back into my old routine. Christmas was right around the corner, and another big holiday party had been planned. Everyone would come to August’s house once more to spend the holiday.
Our Christmas Eve dinner—with just August, Calum, and I—proved to be a pivotal moment in our lives. When we left the dining room, August asked me to come talk to him in his room after he’d put Calum to bed.
When I went in, staying dressed in my jeans and button down, I found him to be fully dressed too. That surprised me, as I thought he might try to pull out all the stops to get me into his bed that night.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
“Please, sit down, Tawny.” He gestured to one of the sofas, and I took a seat. He sat across from me on a chair. “We need to talk.”
“So you said. What would you like to talk about?” I asked him as I sat back and tried in vain to get comfortable.
He pointed at me then at himself. “There’s a rift between us.”
All I could do was nod. “Yes, I agree.”
“Do you still love me?” His hazel eyes bore into mine.
“I’ll always love you, August,” I admitted.
“And I, you.” He looked away, trying to steel himself to tell me more. “But this isn’t working.”
Taking the engagement ring off my finger, I placed it on the table between us, feeling numb. “I agree. We shouldn’t be getting married right now, if ever. We had a child, but that doesn’t mean we have to be together forever.”
“I don’t want you to leave.” He looked at the ring instead of me. “I want you to stay here with us.”
“I’d never leave my son anyway. What should we tell Calum?” My fingers ran over my finger where the heavy ring had been. I hadn’t even worn it that damn long, but I already felt its absence, and it felt horrible.
He let out a big breath. “I think we can figure that out later.” He paused for a moment, looking down at his hands as if preparing himself for what he had to say next. “I’ve been talking to my therapist,” he started. He’d progressed to doing his therapy sessions every other day now. “And to some other people, too—people who have what I have—people who’ve been in marriages that haven’t worked out because of this. But if not being able to sleep together makes this much of a difference in our relationship, then
maybe sex was the only thing holding us together in the first place.” He reached across the table, taking the ring and closing his fist around it.
As I watched the ring disappear, my numbness began to fade, and it hit me. He and I were over.
“Then that’s it,” I said, my heart breaking as I stood up to leave. “Good night.”
“Good night,” he echoed.
My feet moved at a normal pace, even though I wanted to run out of the room. Tears starting pooling in my eyes as I walked toward my bedroom, the dam finally bursting as I crossed the threshold. In no time at all, I’d gone from finding true love and getting engaged, to breaking up.
Falling on my bed, I buried my face in the pillow to hide my cries. What he’d said had hurt—that there was only sex between us. I’d made him fall out of love with me. By withholding myself from him, I’d ended what we’d found.
Pounding the bed with my fists, I tried to get the frustration and anger out of my system. I’d be living under the same monstrous roof as the man, but I would never have him again.
Everything inside of me hurt—my heart, my head, my entire body.
Every time August had tried to touch me, I’d shied away, telling him I couldn’t handle that yet. I wasn’t ready to make love with him and be forced to leave him.
One day had turned into another and another until it led to the one that ended it all.
Life as I’d known it was over. But then again, I supposed it’d been over since the night I’d made up my mind to sleep in my own room. I had no one but myself to blame.
I knew our relationship was more than mere sex. I was the one who took everything off the table. Not just the sex, but every little act of intimacy. I didn’t like to be alone with August at all, knowing I’d want him if we were alone.
I’d been cold at times, shutting myself down to avoid having any arousal for the man. My body had craved him, but I had managed to lock that craving away, telling myself that I had to get stronger before I could deal with that.
It seemed I’d waited too long.
Christmas morning came, and so did his family. My mother and father came, too. It was my mother who noticed the absence of the ring. “Tawny, you’re not wearing your engagement ring.”
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