by Andre, Bella
He stared down at the little boy who looked so much like Kyle that his heart actually ached. "Hey, buddy," he said in a soothing voice. "Dinner is coming."
Robbie's cries diminished as he stared at Aiden in fascination. His chubby little hands cupped Aiden's face. It was the sweetest touch he'd ever felt. He loved this kid, loved him as much as he'd ever loved Kyle, because Robbie was Kyle's son.
"You have the magic touch," Sara said, watching him with a warm smile.
"I did a lot of babysitting when I was younger." He shifted Robbie in his arms. "He's so big now. He's grown a lot in the last month. I really want to help Vicky take care of him." He paused. "I don't want to get in the way. I just want to be there for her and for Robbie. I owe Kyle that. He was my brother in every sense of the word. I was there when Kyle first fell in love with Vicky. I stood up for him at his wedding. I was the first one he called when he found out Vicky was pregnant. He was so happy, Sara. It was the most amazing joy I'd ever seen on his face. And when Robbie was born, Kyle was in complete and utter awe. I watched my best friend go from being a single guy to a man deeply in love, committed to his family. I feel like Robbie and Vicky are part of my family, too. We spent so much time together. I hate that the friendship we have is over. I can't stand the thought of not being able to watch this little guy grow up."
When he finished speaking, he realized Vicky had returned to the room. She was staring at him, tears streaming down her face. He'd hurt her again.
"I'm sorry," he said, knowing that no number of apologies would probably make a difference, but it was all he had to offer. "I wish I could bring Kyle back to you. I wish he could be here to hold his son, to hold you. I can see how much pain you're in, and I just want to help you."
"I'm sorry, too," she said shakily. "You just reminded me of everything I'd forgotten. I didn't want to see you, because I knew it would make the pain worse, because we were like a family, and you and Kyle were so damn close. When I see you, I see him. But you're not him, and you're in pain, too. And up until this minute, I just refused to acknowledge that fact. It was easier to blame you, to hate you, but it was wrong." She brought the bottle over and slipped it into Robbie's mouth, but she made no attempt to take her son out of his arms. "Kyle would hate the way I've been treating you. He would be so angry with me if he knew that I'd kept you away from his funeral."
Her eyes pleaded with him for understanding. "I'm angry, too. I lost my best friend. And it's frustrating as hell not to have someone to blame for it."
"When Ray Hawkins said his brother told him you were responsible for Kyle's death, I just snapped. I remembered all the times you promised to bring Kyle home safe. Ray said everyone knew you were pushing too hard, taking too many chances, and it wasn't that difficult to believe, because that's the kind of man you are." She took a breath. "But I shouldn't have listened to Ray, because I know Kyle was not a big fan of Ray's brother, Dave." Her gaze filled with guilt and regret. "Your leadership wasn't a negative for Kyle. He told me many times that you inspired him to be better than he ever thought he could be. When people would criticize you in his presence, he would jump to your defense. He would tell them that nobody was better, and they were lucky to work with you."
His heart ripped apart at her words. The past few months he'd felt a break in his friendship with Kyle, and he'd thought it might have had something to do with Kyle having to work under his command.
"I know that you wouldn't have let Kyle die if you could have prevented it," Vicky continued. "I know how much you loved him. I never should have blamed you. I wish I could take it back. It wasn't fair to you."
Hearing Vicky say the words meant more to him than anything. "Nothing about this situation is fair. Kyle should be alive right now." He gazed down at Robbie, who was drifting asleep. He didn’t want just answers for himself but also for Robbie, because some day this little boy would grow up and want to know what happened to his father.
"So you said you had something important to tell me," Vicky said.
"Not to tell you, but to ask you. I have some questions, and I feel like you're the only one who might be able to answer them."
"I'll try."
"I need to know what was going on in Kyle's head the day of the fire," he said, hoping she was more in a mood to help now. "I told you before that he was distracted, that he had been for weeks. I thought it was the fact that you were gone, that he was missing you, but I think there may have been something else going on." He paused, wondering how to ask the question, but this was no time to be vague. He looked her straight in the eye, wanting to see her reaction when he said, "Was Kyle sick?"
Her jaw dropped and he saw nothing but genuine surprise in her expression. "No, he wasn't sick. What are you talking about?"
"He was seeing a doctor in Redding. Her name is Sandra Ellingston. He was also in communication with a woman named Becky Saunders, who is a nurse. In addition, about six weeks ago, he went to L.A. and spent time at a holistic healing center."
"I don't understand," she said in confusion. "Kyle wouldn't have gone to Los Angeles without telling me. And it was fire season. He didn't have that kind of time off."
"He took a long weekend. He told me he was helping you get settled."
"He wasn't here, Aiden."
"And he never mentioned not feeling well?"
"No." She tilted her head, lost in thought for a moment. "There was so much going on, it's possible I wasn't paying close enough attention."
"I wonder if Kyle's computer would be helpful," Sara said.
He turned his head. She'd been so quiet, he'd almost forgotten she was there.
"There might be clues in his email," she added. "Or receipts in his files."
"Do you have Kyle's computer?" he asked Vicky.
"It's in a box in the closet. Our former landlord shipped me Kyle's stuff after his death."
"Would you mind if I took a look, Vicky?"
"I guess not," she said slowly. Her brows knit into a frown. "I don't want to think my husband had any secrets, Aiden. He didn't seem like that kind of a man."
"Not to me either, but things aren't adding up, and I can't stop looking for answers, Vicky. I can't sleep at night. I have dreams of Kyle walking into the fire. I just have to know if I missed something."
"All right. Follow me." She led them into the hall and opened a closet where several boxes were stacked up. "It should be in the top box," she said, taking a now sleepy Robbie out of Aiden's arms. "His email is through Yahoo, his ID is kdunne and his password is sexyguy12; that damn tattoo strikes again," she said dryly. "I'm going to put Robbie down for a nap."
As Vicky left the room, Aiden opened the box, relieved to see Kyle's laptop computer. He took it into the living room and set it up on the coffee table. Sara sat down next to him and gave him an encouraging look.
"Here goes," he said, as he turned on the computer and opened Kyle's email.
He didn't know what he was looking for and the first few emails seemed to be nothing important. In fact, there was a lot of junk mail that had come in since Kyle's death. But as he went back a few weeks, he found an email from Becky. "I hope you found the clinic helpful," he read aloud. "If you didn't, I have some other recommendations. I think you should talk to your wife, Kyle. I know you don't want her to know, but this problem isn't going to just go away. And it's going to affect a lot more people than just you."
"What problem?" Sara murmured.
"Whatever he went to the clinic to get help with," Aiden said, his gut churning. He continued down the list of emails. There was nothing else from Becky.
"Look in his search history," Sara suggested. "When people are sick, they often look on the Internet for answers. Let me help," she added, taking over the keyboard. "Here's a list of the most recent websites he visited. One is the clinic." She paused, running her finger down the entries. "Look at these sites, Aiden. They're all on the same topic."
A pain burned in his gut. Every one of the sites had something to do with hearing—h
earing loss, hearing aids, diagnosing ear problems, ringing in the ears. It suddenly all made sense. All the times Kyle didn't seem to be paying attention, the times he'd asked Aiden to repeat what he'd just said. And the recurring dream fit, too – Kyle walking away from him, never looking back. Kyle hadn't heard him. He hadn't been ignoring him. He just couldn't hear. The fire had been too damn loud!
Fury followed the realization. Why hadn't Kyle told anyone that he was suffering from hearing loss? Why had he put his life in jeopardy—and not just his life but everyone else's, too?
He jerked to his feet. "Damn, Damn, Damn."
"What did you find?" Vicky asked. She entered the room with worried eyes. "Was Kyle sick? Did he…" She stumbled, searching for words that he knew she did not want to say.
"No, he didn't kill himself," he said.
"Are you sure?" she asked, relief in her voice.
"Yes. We'll need to do more research to know everything, but judging from what I've seen here and what I know, I believe Kyle had a hearing problem."
"What? Why would you say that?"
"The doctor he went to see was an ENT, an ear, nose and throat specialist. The nurse was an old friend of Kyle's from high school. She told me that he'd sought her out, and I couldn't think of any reason why he would have done that. She also said that she couldn't tell me what Kyle's medical issues were, but that she had told him to tell you about his problem." Aiden pointed to the computer. "And she did that in an email to Kyle. We also went through his search history. Kyle spent the last month of his life researching hearing loss and hearing aids. Why would he do that if he didn't have a problem? It's not definitive, but when you put all the pieces together…"
Vicky sank down on a nearby chair, as if she no longer had the strength to stand up. Surprise in her eyes had been replaced with a more thoughtful gleam. "I went into the bathroom one day a few weeks after Robbie was born. Kyle was staring in the mirror, an odd look in his eyes. He asked me if I ever heard ringing in my ears. I said, no. I think I was about to ask him if he had a problem when Robbie started crying. Kyle never mentioned it again." She paused. "If he had a problem, why wouldn't he tell me?"
"You had a newborn, and you were stressed out. I'm guessing he didn't want to worry you. He was very protective of you."
"He was," she said, her eyes watering again. "I dated some real losers before him. Kyle was like a knight in shining armor. I don't think I appreciated him enough while he was alive."
"You did," he reassured her.
"So you think his hearing was a factor in his death?"
The same old flash of memory crossed his mind, Kyle refusing to look back, not answering his calls. "Yes, I do. It's all coming together, all the little things I saw but that didn't register until now."
"I know what you mean. I remember times when I thought Kyle was ignoring me. I thought he was tuning out my complaints, that he was being a typical guy. I didn't realize he might not have heard what I was saying. But that brings me back to why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he tell you, Aiden?"
His lips drew into a tight line.
"I have to believe it's because he didn't want to put me in a difficult position. If I'd known there was a medical issue, I wouldn't have let him jump. I would have suspended him until he could get medical clearance."
"That would have meant less money, right?" Vicky asked. "Kyle was really worried about making the mortgage payments. I pushed him to get this condo. I made him take my parents' money. I put too much pressure on him. He must have felt trapped. If he lost his job, we probably would have lost this place."
The picture was becoming sharper, Aiden realized. Kyle's father had ran out on him and his mother when Kyle was a little kid. There was no way Kyle would let Vicky and Robbie down. "He probably thought he could get his hearing fixed without anyone ever knowing there was a problem. All he had to do was make it through a few months."
"But that last day…what happened out there, Aiden? I need to know."
"It was business as usual until the winds changed. We couldn't keep up with the fire. It was jumping our breaks. There was too much fuel. We kept changing positions. The crew split into three teams. We tried attacking from different fronts. Then the fire blew up. Our exit routes were cut off. Communication with the other teams became impossible. The smoke was thick and black. There were four of us in that final group. We went over our directions in case we got separated, and then we set off. Kyle was in the lead. He started going up instead of down. The other men went the right way. I went after Kyle."
Aiden could see the moment so clearly now. "I yelled at him to turn around, but he wasn't listening. He was literally running straight into the fire. I didn't know what the hell he was doing, why he'd veered off our course. And I have to admit that in the weeks since then I wondered if he was trying to kill himself. I knew he was under financial pressure, too, but I just couldn't believe he would do that to you. Now I'm sure that he didn't do that. He just couldn't hear me. I suspect he missed a lot of instructions that day. The fire was so loud he might not have even realized just how much he was missing."
He let out a long breath of relief as he finished the story. "I just wish I'd seen what he was trying to hide."
"I didn't see it, either," Vicky said. "He didn't want us to know. He was going to fix it himself. He often underestimated the difficulty of the tasks he attempted. It took him weeks to admit that he couldn't figure out why the car's check engine light was on. I begged him to take it to a mechanic, but he wouldn't do it. He was so stubborn."
"I remember that. I told him he was an idiot, that he should take the car to a mechanic."
Vicky gave him a painful smile. "That's the first time I've been able to remember him without the anger. I guess we should have talked earlier."
"We weren't ready."
"It wasn't your fault, Aiden. If Kyle couldn't hear you, and you couldn't get to him, there was nothing else you could have done." Tears filled her eyes again. "I try to take comfort in the fact that he died doing something he loved, and he loved smokejumping. He did not want to quit, even though I wanted him to. I was selfish. I wanted him to be with me all year long."
"Vicky, if you can believe anything I say—believe this. Kyle loved you more than he loved the job. I have no doubt in my mind about that."
"Thank you, Aiden. I just miss him so much. It's like he took a piece of my heart with him. I don't know if I'll ever be whole again." Her shoulders began to shake as the sobs overtook her.
He crossed the room, dropping to his knees next to her. He put his arms around her and held her while she cried, hoping that the truth would help them both heal. Her storm of tears went on for a long time, but Aiden never let go. Comforting Vicky was the one thing he could do for Kyle, and he would do it.
Finally, her cries turned to sniffs, and she lifted her head from his shoulder, her face ravaged from emotion, but there was a new lightness in her eyes.
"I'm sorry I destroyed your shirt," she said.
"You needed to get it out."
"I didn't realize how much I was holding in. Thanks again."
"No problem." He got to his feet with a grimace, his thigh muscle having cramped from the odd position he'd been in.
"You're hurt, too," Vicky said.
"Not too badly. It will heal." When he turned around, he realized that Sara was no longer sitting on the couch.
Vicky followed his gaze. "I hope she didn't go far."
"I drove, so probably not. But I should find her."
"She's important to you, isn't she?"
"I think so," he admitted.
"You said she knew Kyle?"
"Sara grew up with us. We've only recently reconnected."
"I saw the way you looked at her, Aiden. You never looked at anyone that way. If she's the one, don't wait too long to tell her. We both know life can be way too short."
"I want to help you with Robbie, whatever you need, money, babysitting, anything."
"
Thanks." She hesitated. "Are you going to tell people about Kyle's hearing problem?"
He hadn't thought that far ahead. He could clear his name if the truth came out, but at what cost? He'd ruin Kyle's reputation. But Kyle had paid the ultimate price for his silence. Didn't Aiden owe his friend that same silence?
"I don't know," he said finally. "I have to think about it."
When he left the condo, Sara was standing on the sidewalk, leaning against the truck, her questioning gaze meeting his. "Are you all right?" she asked.
"You didn't have to leave."
"It felt like a private moment between you and Vicky. I'm glad that she finally saw you again for the incredible friend that you were and still are."
He smiled at the passion in her voice. "Thanks to you."
"I'm glad I could help."
"You did more than help. You inspired me to find the truth. I might not have done that without you."
"I don't believe that for a second, Aiden. I just had the benefit of a clearer head and a more objective perspective. But there's no way you would have gone through life without trying to make sense of Kyle's death. It's not who you are."
"I wish he would have told me about his hearing problems. I attributed so many other reasons for his distraction, worrying about Vicki or his finances, losing interest in the job, being pissed off that I was now his boss instead of just a coworker. But it was none of those things. He just couldn't hear me."
"How's Vicky doing?" Sara asked.
"Better. I think the truth released some of her anger, made her see that it was an accident. If the fire hadn't blown up the way it did, if we hadn't gotten trapped on that ridge, Kyle's hearing loss wouldn't have affected a damn thing."
"I hope you'll be able to accept that it was an accident, too."
"It's going to take a while."
"What are you going to do—now that you know the truth?"
"Hell if I know." He could see the tension in her eyes and knew she was burning to say something but really trying hard not to. "Do you have an opinion?"
"You should tell the truth."
"It will hurt Kyle. He won't be the hero who died in the fire. He'll be the guy who was hiding a medical issue, who endangered not only himself but everyone on the team." He paused. "Vicky doesn't want me to say anything."
