by Andre, Bella
He’d what? Made a fool of himself? Destroyed his marriage? Left his family?
No. What mattered was this. Being here with Tessa. But how did he say it? How did he tell her it didn’t matter when the sound of Sean’s voice on her phone irked him the way it did?
Jude took a sip of his coffee and set it down on the porch floor. When he’d first walked into the party earlier tonight and he saw her, it was hard to be silent. The need to be with her, by her side, holding her hand, overwhelmed him. And when she’d almost fallen and he caught her, there was an instant connection, a heat that radiated between them. It took everything in him to leave her alone, but it was the one request his mother had made before they left the house that night. Tessa didn’t need him to get in the way. Tonight was her night to shine, to show their friends and family what she could do. A horrible gut feeling gnawed away at him when he discovered how he’d made life difficult for Tess when he left. He’d had no idea. But what did he expect when he had never bothered to contact her?
“Why come home now?”
“I should have come home a long time ago.”
He could tell she didn’t believe him when she leaned away from him and crossed her arms. He couldn’t blame her for reacting this way. He’d been a jerk in so many ways. What happened to honoring his vows? He threw them out the window at the first hint of trouble.
“And yet you didn’t. I wonder why?” Tension flowed from her in waves. She was mad and she had every right to be. “I made a list of the possible reasons why you’d leave me like you did. Want to hear them?”
He wanted to say no. He wanted her to stop and let him explain, give him the chance to apologize, but then he realized that he didn’t deserve it. He deserved everything she threw at him and more. What kind of man leaves his wife the way he did? He wouldn’t be surprised if she told him she wanted a divorce. He prayed to God that wouldn’t happen though.
“At first I thought you’d met someone else and you ran off with her; then I thought maybe you’d realized during your morning run that you just didn’t love me anymore, like it was a big epiphany or something. And then I thought that maybe something horrible had happened and you wanted to protect me from it. And then I realized that you were probably just jealous of Sean and thought that we were having an affair.” She glared at him, as if challenging him to deny it. “Am I right?”
He shook his head, but he couldn’t say the words. She was right. One hundred percent. He’d been afraid that she realized she loved Sean more than him and he’d been too much of a coward to confront her with it.
“Believe what you want to, all you had to do was ask and I would have told you the truth.” She wrapped her arms around her body.
Jude rubbed his hand over his face. This wasn’t going the way he thought it would go. But then, what did he expect? For her to throw herself back in his arms because he realized he’d let the best thing in his life slip through his fingers due to his own insecurities.
Maybe he needed to say the words. But she once told him she didn’t need the words, just the actions. She knew he loved her because he’d shown her. He had come home with a plan to show her again how much he loved her, but what if that wasn’t what she needed or even wanted?
“You don’t need to say anything. I believe you. I do.” Sean pleaded with her to believe him. “I made a mistake by leaving and not trusting you, but I won’t do that again.”
Tessa stood up and stared at him. He could read the words in her eyes and knew he was too late. When she walked back into the house without saying a word his world dropped beneath his feet.
“Tessa, please.”
He wanted her to stop, needed her to stop, but she kept on, moving from the kitchen to the living room. He stopped in the doorway and watched her as she grabbed the hand-knit blanket she’d made and wrapped it around herself. He should have realized she was cold. There was a nip in the air tonight but he hadn’t noticed it.
“Jude it’s been a long day and I’m tired. I just want to soak in a hot bath and then go to bed. Can we do whatever this,” she drew a circle in the air between them, “is, tomorrow?”
He could tell by her voice it was more than just about being tired. Disappointment laced her words.
“I’m sorry, I should have thought...my mom said the same thing, about the bath.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Is your mom okay? I thought I’d take her some homemade soup tomorrow.” Tessa’s shoulders slumped and she sank down on the couch.
Jude edged his way towards the bookshelf and noticed the framed images. She’d replaced the photos that had been there before, photos of them as a couple before they were married. Hope stirred in his heart as he realized what photos she’d substituted.
“Jude?” Tessa asked again. He set one of the frames back down on the shelf and turned.
“I think she’s okay, but I don’t know.” He shrugged. “She looked really tired and...not herself. Dad thinks tonight was too much for her.”
“It probably was, but I understand why she didn’t want to cancel it. I still can’t believe...” Tessa’s voice trailed off and she leaned her head down on her knees.
Jude wanted to go over and put his arms around her and hold her, but he didn’t. He knew if he did, he’d lose it and he wasn’t ready to really process the news of his mother’s cancer. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready. He couldn’t accept that there was nothing they could do and he didn’t understand why his mom wasn’t getting the help that was available. There had to be something...anything... He clenched and unclenched his hands to relieve some of the tension in his body, but it didn’t help.
When Tessa looked up at him and he caught the way the tears pooled in her eyes, his heart broke and even if he had wanted to, he couldn’t stop himself from going to her and placing his arms around her. She melted into his touch and when she rested her head against his shoulder, the tension in his body finally disappeared. This felt right. This was what had been missing in his life the past few months. This. Her. He leaned his head down on hers and they just sat there, close to one another and they let the silence wrap them in a bubble.
He’d tried hard not to think about this house while he was away. They’d picked it out together, having fallen in love with its rustic look and peacefulness. He loved coming home after a long day of cooking at the Banff Springs Hotel. It was his sanctuary and he’d missed it more than he thought possible.
He noticed Tessa hadn’t changed much in the room. There were a few new framed prints on the wall that, knowing her, looked like they might be from a local artist, but other than that, it looked pretty much the same. But, the coffee table in front of him was new. The base of the table was a wine barrel with a weathered slab of wood on top, stained to match the barrel. It was quite the interesting piece of furniture and he liked it. It suited Tessa.
He caught sight of the paper and envelopes on the table. He recognized the letterhead and as he read the few words visible on the top of the paper, his heart sank.
Was he too late? Had she given up on them all ready? There was one word in particular that stood out to him.
“Um, Tessa. Is there something we need to talk about?” He leaned forward, forcing her to lift her head from his shoulder as he reached for the envelope on the table.
“You want a divorce?”
***
The silence in the room loomed. Tessa bit her lip while Jude sat there staring at the papers in his hand.
How did she explain this? Did she even want to? She was tired and emotionally spent and Jude was no better. She understood now why he was here. He needed someone to talk to, someone to help him understand what was going on with his mother, someone to help dull the pain.
Her eyes closed as that thought sent shivers down her body. Dull the pain through sex. How many nights had she spent dreaming about having him back in their bed, of being held by him in the middle of the night, knowing she wasn’t alone anymore? Too many. But those empty nights
had nothing to do with what was happening to them right now.
“Tessa? Is this what you really want?”
Did she really want this? No. She never did. “I haven’t heard from you in months Jude. What did you expect me to do?” She curled her legs beneath her and sighed.
She’d had the envelope from the lawyers office in her purse for over a month and finally had taken it out today. She didn’t remember what was in the envelope, so she’d opened it, pulled the papers out and then thrown them on the coffee table, not ready to deal with them yet. She’d totally forgotten about them until now.
Jude pushed himself up from the couch, dropped the papers back on the table and stood there. She could see the questions in his eyes but she didn’t have the energy to deal with them. Not tonight.
“You’re right. I was just...surprised, that’s all. I’d hoped...” His voice trailed off and he rubbed the back of his hair.
Tessa wanted to get up and wrap her arms around him, but she didn’t. “Why are you here, Jude?”
“My mom—”
“No,” Tessa stopped him. “Why are you here? Where you were sitting outside when I drove up?” She leaned her head against the couch and watched him.
“I...” his shoulders deflated, “I’ve missed you.”
“But you saw me tonight. You had plenty of opportunity to talk to me but you never did. So why come out here, at night?” She kept at him, needing to know the truth.
Was he here for his mom, for comfort, or was he here for her? She wasn’t dumb enough to believe he’d come back to town for her, for them. He’d had three months to do so if that was the case. Still, there was a part of her that wanted to hope that he’d come out here for her and her alone.
“I needed you Tess,” Jude admitted.
She could see how hard it was for him to say it. But she didn’t care. She thought about all the times she’d needed him over the past few months. All the times when she could have used his support, his trust, his love.
So instead of giving him what he needed, she closed her heart and shrugged. “I’m tired Jude. It’s been a long day.”
She ignored the way he dug his hands into his jeans, or the way his shirt stretched across his shoulders as he pushed them back and nodded. One look into his eyes and she found herself staring at the floor, otherwise she’d lose whatever strength she had to push him away and protect her broken heart.
She’d held onto the memories of their love, the belief she had that he would come back home to her. She had swept up the broken pieces of her heart when he walked out their door and held onto them, praying for him to come back home and put her back together.
But he never did. Instead, she had to lean on Ellie and Sean for that support. No. It wasn’t fair of him to expect her to be there for him now, even though she saw the way he was crumbling inside. If that made her a cold hearted witch, then so be it. It was time to start looking out for herself, to start protecting her heart that had once belonged to him.
“Can I ... can we maybe go for coffee tomorrow?”
Her will almost broke then, at the hesitancy in his voice. She didn’t have the strength to say anything, so she just nodded and watched him walk away.
“You were amazing tonight, by the way.” He paused just before he was out of sight and looked over his shoulder at her.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
The screen door banged closed behind Jude and Tessa listened to the sound of his vehicle as he drove down her driveway. She hated the sound, knowing that this time it was her fault he was driving away.
Clutching the blanket tightly around her, she headed to the bookshelf where Jude had stood. She knew he’d noticed that she’d taken down the photos of them as a couple and replaced them with other images. Did he recognize them? Did he see them for what they were worth?
Jude was an amazing photographer, a hobby she’d often tried to get him to take to the next level. But he always claimed the camera was his getaway once he stepped out of the kitchen. She picked up the picture of the bridge she’d recently set there and smiled as the memory washed over her.
Jude’s parents owned a cottage higher up in the mountains and they had spent their honeymoon there. A Chinook wind had rolled in and the air had a taste of summer in it. They found this bridge on one of the mountain paths they’d explored. It was their backdrop for an afternoon of lovemaking. Jude had covered her eyes with a soft, satin cloth that caressed her face, and made love to her there amongst the fragrant spring flowers. Blinded, Tessa had learned to rely on her other senses while Jude teased her with kisses.
A shiver ran along Tessa’s skin as she remembered the feel of a blade of grass as it danced along her skin, the sensation of the wind as it blew across her body while Jude feathered her thighs with a flower and kissed his way from her toes to her lips.
She knew her cheeks were flushed as she stared at the picture in her hand. How could something so wonderful fall apart in so little time? That was something she had never really understood. Their marriage was to have been built on trust, friendship and love. But all it took was a sentence taken out of context ...
A scratching sound grabbed her attention. With a sigh she replaced the photo and headed over to let Rusty in.
Now that Jude had seen the papers, she needed to decide what to do with them. Would she ask him to sign them or would she tell him she’d made a mistake? For months all she’d wanted was for him to return home, to come back to her. But now that he was actually here, she wasn’t so sure anymore.
What if it was too late for them?
***
“Why didn’t you call me?” Jude reached across the breakfast table for his mom’s hand. He didn’t like how she looked today. Her feet scuffled the floor like an old woman as she made him breakfast, refusing to allow him to help, claiming it made her feel coddled. Since when did having him cook for her feel like coddling? She used to like watching him work in the kitchen.
“I didn’t want you to worry. Your father has that covered.”
“Of course I’m going to worry. You have cancer, Mom!” Jude’s teeth ground together as he tried to understand her logic.
She actually had the audacity to roll her eyes at him. “I know I have cancer, dear. You don’t need to remind me.” She patted his hand before picking up her fork and taking a bite of her plain scrambled eggs. “Now, why don’t you tell me what your plans are to woo your wife back?” She chewed on her eggs with slow precision, as if she were savoring each bite.
He hated this. Hated seeing her like this. He hated himself for not being with her when she found out.
“I’m sorry.” There was nothing else he could say. He was sorry for not being there. Sorry for not calling, for not letting them know where he was, sorry for causing so much hurt and worry. He should have known better. What kind of son just up and left his parents like he did? A selfish one!
He had no illusions about the type of man he was. Not was. Had been. He wasn’t that man anymore. He refused to run away again when things got bad. He should have known better. He did know better. He couldn’t explain his actions any more than to say he’d been a fool and he was sorry.
“I know you are dear. But you can only say the words so many times before it become meaningless.”
Jude sat back in shock. His mother wasn’t normally this frank with her words.
“Oh honey, you’re a grown man now who deserves to be told the truth instead of coddled. If there’s one thing I’m learning throughout all this it’s that—don’t like being coddled. Not by actions and certainly not by words. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Isn’t that what your father has always said?”
“Welcome back, son.” His father walked by at that moment and patted his shoulder. Jude watched as his father placed a kiss on his mother’s cheek before pouring himself the last bit of coffee left in the pot.
Jean’s cheeks were a soft pink as she smiled at him. “Back to my original question. How are you goi
ng to woo my daughter-in-law back?”
“I was ah, going to say I’m sorry,” he paused at his mother’s look, “and tell her I still loved her.” Jude knew that sounded lame, but he didn’t really have any other plans.
“How about admitting you were a fool?” his father added.
“And for being such an idiot for leaving her alone,” his mother added.
“Okay, okay,” Jude held up his hands in surrender. They were right. Of course they were right. It was obvious his parents were practicing tough love this morning. Not that he didn’t deserve it
“It would probably help to mend ways with Sean as well,” his dad muttered before taking a sip of his coffee.
Jude’s figured his father would have seen the two of them together last night outside the house after he returned from seeing Tessa. He did, after all, tell them to knock it off when Sean went to throw a punch.
“We did, last night.”
His dad only chuckled. “I’m not sure who that boy loves more, you or Tessa. Last night solved nothing.”
“If there is something you both want to say, feel free.” Jude tried to keep the sarcasm out, but he knew it didn’t work.
“Son, in life, you need to learn to roll with the punches. If you can’t do that, then be prepared for us to reteach the lesson. That’s what parents are for.”
“I can roll, Dad.” Jude muttered as he kept his gaze downwards.
“Then you never would have left.”
“I said I was sorry.” The words burst out of his mouth before he could stop them. What was wrong with him? He knew it wasn’t going to be easy coming back home. In fact, he expected it to be worse. He was the proverbial black sheep, not just in his family but in the town now. He expected to be shunned, look down upon and talked about behind his back.
But if truth be told, he expected to have at least one person at his back. Again, he should have known better.
“We don’t doubt that,” his mom reached over and covered his hand with hers.
