by Andre, Bella
Tessa reached out and touched his hand. Call it habit. Instinct. Last night, having him hold her, even for that brief amount of time, felt like heaven.
She tried to pull away but Jude gripped her hand and wouldn’t let go. He stared down at her, with a questioning look. He must have found the answer because he laced his fingers through hers.
Tessa’s world was on kilter right now. She didn’t know what to expect from him. He was leaving tomorrow; he was walking away from her once again. His words all said one thing, but his body language said another. Did he feel the pull between them too?
“Jude, I—”
“No, don’t say anything. Let’s just enjoy the day, enjoy being together again. I know you have a lot of questions and I have a lot of explaining to do, but right now, let’s just enjoy this.” He squeezed her hand. “Let’s just enjoy us. Please?”
Tessa swallowed the words she wanted to say. He must have known she wanted to distance herself from him, to protect herself, her heart. Why wasn’t he letting her? Why did he want to play this charade that their life was perfect again when they both knew it wasn’t?
She pulled her hand from his, grabbed her coffee and held on tight. She led the way out of the cafe and onto the sidewalk. She shielded her eyes from the bright sun glare and fought to remain calm. When Jude was beside her, she turned, closed her eyes and took in a deep breath.
“I can’t do this. You want to pretend that nothing’s wrong, but I can’t. I just can’t.” Tears pinpricked her eyes and she blinked them away. “I can’t pretend that you didn’t break my heart, that you didn’t destroy something that I thought was so perfect.” She turned so she no longer faced him and let the tears trickle down her face. “I can’t pretend that our marriage isn’t over. I just can’t.”
***
If he had thought today would be easy, the tears on Tessa’s face proved him wrong. He’d been a fool to think his idea would work. His mother had warned him earlier that Tessa wouldn’t be able to ignore the past, but he hadn’t wanted to listen to her.
He’d hoped that by spending the day doing the very thing they used to love doing would help. He’d assumed that he could show Tessa just how much he loved her, just how wrong he’d been without saying the words right away. But he knew what they say about assuming...
When she turned from him, it was as if she were turning away from them. And he couldn’t handle that. He wouldn’t let that happen. He’d fight for them if that’s what it took.
“I was a fool. A fool to stay away so long when I knew the moment I landed on the highway that day that I needed to turn around. I was wrong and I made a mess of so many things.”
He caught the way her shoulders slouched at his words and he reached out and touched her shoulder. “Let’s go to the park and talk. If you want to walk away from me afterwards, it’s okay.” He took a step towards her. “But be warned, I’ll just follow you. I know I was an idiot and I know that there’s nothing in the world I can say that could force you to forgive me, but please, let me try?”
He could read the questions, the comments. Everything she wanted to say to him, he could read in her eyes. He always could. She was like an open book to him. It was why he’d left the way he did. He couldn’t handle seeing the truth, or what he’d thought was the truth, when he confronted her.
“Okay,” she said.
It was only one word, but it was all he needed to hear.
He reached for her hand again and instant relief hit him when she entwined her fingers with his. Maybe he had a chance after all. Maybe he hadn’t destroyed things as badly as he’d feared.
Maybe she’d accept his apology and give their marriage another chance.
They walked along in silence and Jude struggled with what words to say. He didn’t want to screw up and say the wrong thing, but he also knew she needed answers. She deserved to know what an idiot he was, the real reason behind his leaving and how his pride got in the way .
“When did you find out about your mom?” Tessa asked as they waited at the crosswalk.
“Yesterday. Trust me, that wasn’t the homecoming I was expecting.” He blew out a puff of air and pushed the memory of learning about the cancer from his mind. He didn’t want to think about what the future held. He knew it was bleak and he couldn’t imagine a world without his mom in it.
“What do you mean, yesterday?” Tessa pulled her hand from his and held on to her cup. Her brows knitted together as her lips thinned in anger.
“That’s why they were late arriving at the party. Dad thought I should know before we left for it.”
Tessa’s head shook. “No, your mom promised me that she would tell you the next time you called. She promised me, Jude.” She glanced up to the sky while he stared at the pavement below his feet. “You did call, right?”
Damn. He shook his head and waited for what was about to come. He didn’t expect the punch to the arm, nor did he expect the strength behind the punch. He rubbed the area she’d hit and winced.
“How could you not call your mother? Your mother! I get that you left me, but your parents? What were you thinking?”
The walk sign lit up and they crossed the street. Jude didn’t reply, he didn’t think Tessa expected him to. He let her lead them to a bench in the park and he sat down while she paced in front of him.
“Honestly, Jude, I can’t believe you would do that to your parents. Do you know how hard this has been for them? It’s tearing your father apart and your mother refuses to listen to reason. She won’t take the treatment being offered to her. She’s dying before our eyes and you haven’t been around.” Her nostrils flared as she stared at him. “You haven’t been around.” She choked on those last word as tears fell down her cheeks.
Jude held out his hand and she grabbed it. He pulled her close and then gathered her in his arms as she sat down beside him.
“I’ll never forgive myself, Tess. Never,” he whispered and rested his head against hers. He’d made a mess of too much in his life and knowing he could lose his mom was the worst.
“Why did you leave?” He heard her whisper against his shirt.
This was it. The moment of truth. He didn’t know what would be more painful, talking about his mother or why he left. Both things ate him up inside. Both tore him apart until he wasn’t sure what was real anymore.
There was no easy way to say it. “I thought you were in love with Sean.”
She pulled back from his arms and gave him a look full of disbelief.
“What?”
He swallowed and placed his hands in his lap. He stared out over the grass and watched the crowds of tourists swell around them. Maybe they should have gone someplace a bit more private.
“I’d come back from my morning run and you had left a note that you had to go into town. I went to have a shower and saw there was a voicemail from Sean. He said how he couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t keep the secret and that he’d never been more in love with you than he was then, after he got your phone call.”
Jude turned to look at Tessa and read the truth in her eyes. The truth he’d been afraid to see that day. He had known if he watched her while she listened to the message, no matter how much she tried to deny it, he would see it in her eyes, and he couldn’t bear that. So he’d fled. And the fear of what he’d done kept him from returning.
“I don’t remember that voice message.”
Jude dropped his head. “I deleted it.”
Tessa sighed.
He glanced over at her and the look in her eyes this time changed.
“So you just left. No questions asked? You didn’t want to hear my story? Give me the benefit of the doubt? I thought you knew me better than that.” Resolution filled her voice and it worried Jude.
In all the scenarios he had built up in his mind, never had Tessa been resolute. Angry, disappointed maybe. Forgiving and open possibly. But never resolved, not like this. He knew Tessa when she was resolved. She went hard core, no holds barred. N
othing would or even could stop her. And that’s what worried him now.
Would his apologies not matter? Would she look behind the words to see the actions, to see the fear that crept up from their past?
Would she give him a second chance?
***
Tessa took a sip of her coffee and worked on processing Jude’s words. Not just what he said, but what was behind them. He’d left out fear. Fear of something he’d never been able to face. It made sense, somewhat.
“Sean does love me and I love him.” She would never deny that. Ever. But she didn’t love Sean the way she loved Jude. She never had. She’d thought Jude believed that. She’d thought they had gotten past this issue among the three of them. Apparently not.
From the moment Tessa had met Jude’s best friend she knew he was an old soul. They had melded together like a brother and sister. They fought like it too. But never had Tessa viewed Sean as anything but a really good friend.
“But Sean is a vanilla cupcake with plain buttercream frosting on it. You’re the decadent fudge cupcake with a rich chocolate frosting covered with ganache.”
When Jude’s eyes lit up at her chocolate reference, she knew he understood.
It was the same phrase she’d used in her wedding vows - the one of his being the decadent fudge cupcake.
All she’d needed from him was an explanation of why he left. That was it. She needed to know if it was something she’d done or if it had been his own decision. She’d always been afraid that he had realized he’d never loved her. She never once thought he had the same fear.
“Sean does love you, you know. It was plain for everyone to see last night.”
Tessa shrugged. There wasn’t much she could do about Sean’s feelings. They’d had this talk over and over. What mattered to her was that she loved Jude more than anything else. Sean knew that. He’d always known that.
“It doesn’t matter how Sean feels. What matters is that you didn’t trust me enough.” She angled towards him and laid her hand on his forearm. “You didn’t trust in us enough.” Jude nodded. At least he didn’t bother to deny it. “Sean told me about the talk you guys had the night before you took off.”
Surprise registered in Jude’s gaze. “He also told me he tried to set the record straight with you but that you didn’t want to hear it.” Jude shrugged his shoulder but didn’t say anything. “Why didn’t you come to me and ask what was going on?”
For weeks before Jude’s disappearance, Sean had been trying to talk Tessa into what she was doing today, event planning. As one of Banff’s high end realtors, he often had requests from his clients for recommendations and while he would volunteer Jude’s name as a chef for their small gatherings, he’d come up with the brilliant business plan. Tessa could organize the actual events. And for weeks Tessa had told him no, that she wasn’t interested.
Then it had all changed with a simple comment from Ellie. She’d been the one to plant the seed, saying that if she didn’t find a job soon she’d have to move away since Lexi’s culinary school costs were more expensive than she originally expected. Ellie was her best friend and she didn’t want to consider the idea of losing her.
Tessa didn’t need to work. After her parents death from a head-on collision with a truck a few winters ago, she had more than enough money in the bank. And Jude more than made enough to support them both as one of the top culinary chefs for the Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel. So she casually mentioned the idea of going into the event planning business to Ellie, who jumped all over it and the rest was history.
“I wanted to surprise you once you returned from your run. I drove into town to drop off the signed lease and picked up the keys from Sean. He must have left that message after I left him one saying I was on my way in. That was all. He had a big client who had just bought the Bell mansion and they wanted to host a fundraiser there. They asked Sean to find a local event planner. He probably said he loved me because I just made him a ton of money for agreeing to start this venture.” Tessa shook her head in exasperation.
Of all the ridiculous thoughts and fears that she’d experienced since he’d left, finding out he left because of a phone message cut the cake. She didn’t know whether to hit him or hug him.
“Why didn’t you let me explain?”
When Jude stood up and paced in front of her, a tiny seed of worry made its way into her heart.
“I was afraid. I’ve always been afraid that there was a little part of you that loved Sean more than me. Stupid, I know. But it was always there.”
Tessa knew that. She’d always known that. “Do you still think that?”
Jude dropped down to his knees and looked at her. After a few moments, he shook his head.
“No. But I wouldn’t blame you if you did. You deserve better than me.”
Tessa nodded. He was right. She did. She deserved someone who loved her with all his heart. Who trusted her completely. Who put her first in his life.
But then, if she had someone like that, she’d feel like she was on a pedestal. And she didn’t want that. She wanted a man to love her with all his heart, no matter his fears. She wanted someone who would walk along beside her, hold her hand when he was scared, hold her close when she needed comfort. She wanted someone who would understand her and love her in spite of her shortcomings and someone she could love in spite of his. Someone like Jude.
“You should have come back sooner. If not for me, then for your mother.”
He nodded. “I know. Trust me, I know. But I couldn’t think straight. All I could focus on were Sean’s words and when I landed that job at the Palliser, it became easy to lose myself in cooking.”
“You’ve had months to focus.”
“I know.”
“You could have called.”
“I know.”
Tessa stared into Jude’s eyes. He wobbled a bit, still on his knees, and eventually he pushed himself to his feet, but he never took his gaze from hers.
At least he didn’t try to give excuses. He could have and she might have even believed him. But she was glad he didn’t.
“I was stupid, Tess. I was an idiot for not calling you, for not turning around on that highway the moment I realized I was making the biggest mistake in my life. I was scared.”
She thought about the papers in her bag. Why wait till tonight? Why not get it all out in the open and see where things went from there. She opened her purse and slowly pulled out the envelope. Jude caught the movement and placed his hand over hers.
“Please don’t,” he moaned.
“I have to.”
She watched Jude’s hand fall away. He sank down on the bench beside her and dropped his head into his hands.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” she tried to explain.
Yes, Jude left her first. He gave up on them before she did. But she was just as much at fault, because in the end, she gave up on them too.
“I don’t blame you,” he muttered.
“But I do. In our vows, we said forever, through the good and the bad. I promised you I’d never give up, that I would fight for us even when there seemed like there was nothing left to fight for.”
Jude took her hand and squeezed. “You did nothing wrong. I was the one who left. I don’t blame you for not waiting for me, for wanting to move forward with your life.”
He let go of her hand and reached for the envelope. He withdrew the sheets and read them, taking his time before he reached the area for his signature.
“Do you want me to sign this?”
Did she? In her heart, she knew the answer. She still loved him. They were still newlyweds. They didn’t have the foundation both their parents had. Not yet. But she wanted that.
Yes, his leaving almost destroyed her and if it weren’t for Sean and Ellie, she wasn’t sure how she would have gotten through being alone. Yet, she had survived. And she knew that if she asked him to sign the papers, she would survive once again.
But she didn’t want to merely su
rvive. She wanted to thrive, to live with love in her heart. And she loved Jude, enough to forgive him and give them another chance.
She reached for the papers and turned to look deeply into Jude’s eyes. With one swift motion, she tore the papers in half and laid them on her lap.
“No, I don’t want you to sign them. I want us to figure out how to make our marriage work.” She let out a long breath. “I also don’t want you to return to Calgary tomorrow. I want you to stay here. With me.”
Jude’s brow furrowed. “I’m not returning to Calgary.”
“Yes you are, you told me so yourself.” She was sure that’s what he’d said.
Jude shook his head. “No, no. I go back to the Springs Hotel tomorrow. I managed to get my old job back. That’s what I meant.”
Tessa blinked and then chuckled to herself. Of course that’s what he meant. She shouldn’t have read into his comment like she had. A smile bloomed across her face before she jumped up from her seat and reached for his hand.
“You know, the last time we played tourist was before we were married. Come on,” she pulled him off the bench, “we’d better get started before the crowds get to be too much. Besides, we need to give ourselves enough time to head to the market. I’m in the mood for a good home cooked meal.”
“Home cooked, huh?”
Tessa nodded. “Think you could handle that? I mean, unless you’d rather eat the soup that I made for your mom.”
Jude shook his head before he pulled Tessa close.
This was what she’d dreamed. This. Being held close again, tight against his chest with his arms around her. Hearing his heart beat beneath her ear and knowing she was safe. She wasn’t sure if she would ever feel that way again, safe in his arms. But now, in this moment, she knew she had nothing to worry about.
She was back where she belonged. Her husband had come home. No more sweet memories to hold on to, no more whispered prayers that he would return. He was here, holding her and if she had her way, they had a lifetime of sweet moments together.
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