by K. L. Jessop
“Watch it, dickhead.”
“Sorry, Dad.”
I laugh, going over to the cooker and taking the frying pan from Dexter to start dishing up the lunch. “Are you two always like this?”
“Either that or he’s caving my head in,” Emmet jokes.
“Motherfucker. Don’t give him any eggs, Pepper he doesn’t deserve them now.”
I shake my head at the pair of them and dish up the food, smiling to myself because I love the bond between them and the fact that Dexter is so at ease right now.
“And talking of low blows,” Dexter adds. “What was so important the other day that had you running out on me.”
“Well now that you mention it, I’ve got an announcement. More of a secret I’ve kept for some time but I can now reveal it.”
“You’re gay. Fucking knew it.”
“No, Dex, I’m not gay. But in future you need to watch what you say to me because you know, I’ve only made it as Sergeant.”
I spin around with wide eyes but it’s Dexter that speaks.
“Promotion? Shut. Up.”
“I’ve moved up the rank.”
“Oh my, God, Emmet that’s amazing. Congratulations.” I throw my arms around him. I’d had no idea he was wanting to move up the ladder in the Police Force.
“Thanks, Pepper. It’s been a long time coming, and I’ve had a few knockbacks personally, but I’ve finally got it.”
“Dude, why didn’t you tell me you were going for that?”
Emmet shrugs. “Because when I originally went for it it was not long after Hannah and you needed me at that point, too. I got it then but turned it down because not only did I want to be there for you, I wasn’t ready. Now, I’m in a better frame of mind. I just wanted to keep it to myself while it processed.”
That right there just shows how much love this man has in his heart. Not many people would turn down a promotion because their friend needed them.
“Emmet… I don’t know what to say,” Dexter adds, sounding a little choked. “I’m so damn proud of you.”
I leave them to their moment as they hug it out and turn back to the cooker, the bacon now crispy as ever.
Finally dishing the food up, we all sit together at the table and chat about trivial things. We talk about Emmet and his new job role, Dexter as he informs us both that he’s going to put in more work on his mental health to try and repay us both for everything he’s put us through. We laugh. We joke and it makes my heart smile as I watch Dexter participating in the humour that fills the air. Seeing him this way is like seeing a bird spread its wings.
He’s free.
And for the first time, I feel the exact same way, knowing that he feels it. We may be two people walking amongst the shadows in a world too big to comprehend but together we are more powerful than ever. This is us: we are a unit not ready to give in to the battle in our heads. Our love is stronger than anything, and if we can get through what he has already achieved, we can get through everything else that life throws at us.
As long as the devil inside will let him.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Dexter
I’ve never thought there’d be a time where I’d be able to stand and say life is good, but right now, it feels pretty damn good.
Its been six weeks since I told Pepper everything there is to know about me, and although I feel like a massive weight has been lifted, it’s no lie when I say I still have internal struggles. I still have depressive phases, and I still have times where I want nothing more than to crawl under a rock and not come out. However, I’ve managed to get through them with the help of those around me. Therapy is going well, Pepper has been incredible and Emmet is just as much the permanent support as he’s always been.
The times where I’ve been able to sense myself spiralling, I’ve advised Pepper to stay at hers until it passes, and thankfully she does. I can still sense hesitation from her at times. I can still feel uncertainty in her kiss when I’m not myself and the only way I can protect her is to tell her to give me space.
Today, though, is a new feeling I’m facing, and I can’t work out if I’m falling again or if I’m just having an off day because of what I’m about to put myself through.
I spent the majority of my morning out on the balcony having a silent conversation in my head with my sister, asking her to guide me in the right direction.
The first person I’d thought of this morning was my Tessa, and although it hadn’t been unusual, she’d been more prominent than ever before. I’d been able to remember her touch, smell her hair, and it had sent a shiver down my spine because it had felt so real. My therapist has said that different life events will churn up old memories, regardless of whether or not they are related: it’s my minds way of coping with things. So, I can only assume that I feel like I do because I’m meeting Pepper’s parents today, and it has been me who’s made the first step towards making it happen.
So it’s dinner at theirs.
And I’m shitting it.
The one good thing that’s come of these past six weeks is the fact I’ve pulled my head out my arse and got the gallery to where it should be. I’d been slack, I’m not going to lie, but I’d put more focus into getting my state of mind sorted than I had with work.
I’ve done a few pieces and commissions over the weeks, but hadn’t opened the gallery officially until this week.
The walls are now finished. I’ve now added a full black wall with various angel wings spread across it after seeing an idea online and thinking it would appeal to people who visit, the idea being that they will stand in front of the wings, becoming the body of an angel and spreading their feathers ready to take the world by storm. Each day, Pepper poses in front of them whilst I take her photograph and then adds it to the social media galleries.
As well as the designs I’ve done, I’ve sorted out an area of the gallery where some of my pieces are mounted and for sale. The number of paintings I’ve got in storage at the back off the gallery will keep me going for a long time so I can focus more on commissions. The outside of the building has been completed with a large portrait of Tessa although she’s disguised: her eyes are closed and her head looks down. Her eyes are only for my viewing in my watercolour portraits, which I still do. The only difference now is that I don’t have to hide them: Pepper leaves me be when she knows I need that personal time and I’ve never loved her more for doing so. She’s been my rock through all of this, and I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank her. All in all, I believe I’m in a good place.
“You okay?” Pepper asks, coming out of her bedroom. She’s dressed in a short black lace dress and black ankle boots. Her hair is a messy bun with added pins and curls, and her make up is light and fresh.
She’s so fucking beautiful.
“You look amazing as ever.”
“And you look ridiculously sexy in your dress shirt and trousers but the look in your eye tells me different.”
I wanted to make an impression with her parents, but the truth is I feel like a fucking idiot. I want my ripped jeans and a baggy T-shirt. I want my feet to be bare.
And I could really do with a drink.
“I feel a little strange today,” I admit.
“Oh? What like?”
“On edge. Nervous. Maybe even low. I’m not sure.”
She walks over towards me, wrapping her arms around my waist and looking at me with those eyes that help heal the uncertainty inside. “You’ve nothing to be nervous about, babe. But if you want to call this off, we can.”
“No,” I say firmly. Then I feel like a dick for snapping when I know she’s doing her best to keep me grounded because of the way I feel. “I’m sorry, Blue.”
“Don’t apologise.”
“I just need to stick to plans.” I cup the nape of her neck and rest my forehead against hers. “What time do we need to leave.”
“Whenever you’re ready, but if we want to keep my mum this side of anxious then we nee
d to leave in about thirty seconds.
Smiling, I kiss her head and take a deep breath to control my own worries. “Okay. I’m ready.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
We head out into the chill of the October air and head down the streets of Primrose Hill towards the Livewell’s house. Pepper, links her hand with mine and gives it a little squeeze. “Shall we stay at yours later?” she asks, looking up at me.
“If you want, but I thought as we’re here we’d be staying at yours?”
“That was my original thought. However, it will be better for you to go back to some home comforts given the way you’re feeling.”
Jesus this girl.
“Well if you’re sure.”
“I’m sure,” she smiles. As we head up the drive to her parents’, my heart is in my throat with every step. My nerves hit. It’s stupid, I know, because it’s not like this is the first time I’ll have met them.
The short time we spent together when they surprised Pepper had been easy enough, but it’d led to me crashing because I hadn’t been able to cope with the family dynamic between them. If I’m honest, it’s that part of meeting them again today that scares me shitless.
What if I fall again?
What if I hurt my Pepper like I did before?
I don’t have a chance to speak of my apprehension with Pepper because the front door swings open and a very cheerful Caroline is beaming at the pair of us.
“Pepper, darling!”
“Hey, Mum. Wow, nice dress.”
“I bought it especially.”
I bought this shirt especially too but shit…
The woman looks like she’s just stepped out of a ballroom. Her hair is tied back in a neat ponytail not a strand out of place, and her long navy gown is full-length with cup sleeves sparkling with every tiny movement.
What the fuck is with all this glitter crap?
“Mrs Livewell. Please to meet you again. Sorry, it’s been too long.”
“Nonsense. Pep, said you’ve been busy.” She air kisses both my cheeks and takes my hand in a firm grip. “Do come in. Andrew is waiting in the dining area getting drinks.”
If I’d thought Pepper’s home was a palace compared to mine, this is something else. The width of the hall is monstrous with a grand staircase of oak that is the centre point. Large mirrors, light walls and expensive furniture fill the space and a long cream and grey rug lines the wood floor.
Entering the dining area, I see Pepper hug her father, but I’m to busy looking around as if I’ve just stepped in to a show home like the ones you see on TV adverts. Somehow, everything looks bigger than it should. Everything shines. Everything is immaculate and there’s not a speck of dust to be seen. Two large chandeliers fill the ceiling space of the dining room, and a table that seats eight sits in the middle of the room.
It’s like torture all under one roof—not because I don’t respect her parents and the hard work I know has gone into this, but because it’s a reminder of how others live and what I never had. My nerves are bubbling and I can’t work out if I should run or scream. But then, as if my girl can feel my tension, she saves my arse and hands me a glass of JD and whispers, “Just breathe”
I’ve not drunk much over the weeks as I’ve kept my promise to myself and to Pepper, but right now, I want to fucking drown in the stuff.
“Dexter, a pleasure to have you with us tonight.”
Stepping forward, I shake hands with Pepper’s father. He’s not as dressed up as his wife but his attire is certainly not bought from the local second-hand shop like mine was.
“Mr Livewell.”
“Please, call me Andrew. And the breath of fresh air in glitter is Caroline. We’ll have no formal names here tonight.”
I nod, taking a sip of my drink and locking eyes with Pepper so I can keep myself steady.
“Pepper darling, you look a little thin. Are you eating? Dexter, is she eating?” Caroline asks, as her eyes do the once over on her daughter.
“Mum, I’m fine. Please stop stressing.”
“I just need to make sure you’re not overdoing it with work and forgetting to eat. I’ve seen what’s in your fridge at times and it’s horrifying, Pepper. Truly horrifying at times.”
“Mum, I’m too young to over do it. And the contents of my fridge are fine thank you.”
“I can assure you she is eating well, Mrs—Caroline,” I add. “Our only treat day is a Saturday where I supply her with macaroons. Or get her a pizza topped with pineapple. That goes in seconds.”
“Good lord, princess, you still have that rubbish on pizza?”
“It’s a totally good topping, Dad.”
“It is not.” Both myself and her dad say in unison causing us all to laugh.
“You see, Dexter here is on my side.” Andrew looks at me. “I could never understand why she always insisted on having that stuff.”
“It counts as one of my five a day. And sometimes that’s the only fruit I have.”
Suddenly there’s a loud gasp from her mum. “Pepper Livewell, is that true?”
Pepper rolls her eyes. “Mum, chill. I was joking.”
“Twenty-three or not, my darling, as your mother I can still put you on a food chart.”
The seriousness in Caroline’s eyes tells me she’s not joking, but when Pepper looks at me and cocks a brow, I can’t help but chuckle.
“Caroline, we’ll talk food diaries before we go,” I add. “I’ll take care of her.”
“Don’t encourage her, Dexter,” Pepper replies.
“No, son, don’t.”
Son.
The blood drains from my face with Andrew’s comment. My heart that was starting to calm is now sprinting faster than a racehorse as I grip my glass tighter. I’ve never been anyone’s son. Even my own mother never referred to me like that. I’d always been called boy or monster.
Boy, get me that. Shut her up boy. Get away from me you fucking monster.
I’d never been Dex or Dexter. There’d never not been a time when I’d questioned whether she even remembered my name at all.
“Dexter, baby?” Warmth presses against me and it snaps me out of the shadows. “You okay? I lost you for a moment there.” Her eyes are screaming with worry, but what she doesn’t realise is, she didn’t lose me because of what her father said: the first time hearing that word and knowing it was directed at me and me alone means something far greater than I’ve ever thought it would. The girl in front of me has been telling me not to stress and now I know she has been right all along.
I’d judged. And I shouldn’t have.
Now, sensing there’s only us in the room, I grip her chin with my thumb and forefinger and lean close to her. “Thank you,” I whisper.
“What for?”
“Finding me.”
Dinner was the best roast pork I’ve ever tasted—man, Caroline can cook. The evening has gone smoothly and I’ve been made to feel so welcome, but I still can’t shift this feeling inside that I’ve felt all day. Stepping outside in the back garden for a moment to try and clear my head, I breathe in the night air. It’s very rare to get a clear view of the stars with all the lights that illuminate the city, but there’s a small patch visible at the back of the Livewell’s house, and I take the opportunity to just look up at the sky as I listen to nothing but silence. The two drinks I’ve had have somewhat calmed the dread I’d felt in coming here, and the love I’ve witnessed between Pepper and her parents hasn’t affected me like I thought it would. If anything, it’s made me smile more and I’ve loved listening to their stories about Persie, too. It’s been hard not to talk of Tessa: I’ve wanted to tell them just how special she was to me but I haven’t wanted to spoil the evening in any way should my mood falter. I appreciate that Pepper hasn’t spoken of her either. She knows this is my story and is aware that I’ll tell it when the time is right. But I want them to know of her at the same time.
“Ah, here you are.” Andrew’s deep voice comes from behin
d me as he closes the back door and steps out on to the patio. He hands me another drink before holding up two cigars. “Pepper said you dabble in these bad boys from time to time?”
“That’s correct.”
He nods and hands me one and a small box of matches. We soon fall into silence as he, too, looks up at the sky.
“You’re not much of a talker, Dexter, are you?”
Shit.
“I’m sorry, Sir, I don’t mean to come across as rude.”
“No, no. I never thought that at all. I’m just trying to work out how you get a word in with having my daughter as a girlfriend. All that girl does is talk.”
I chuckle. “I can’t lie. I found her personality a little difficult to get my head around when she first arrived at the gallery.”
“I don’t blame you. I think anyone would. It was a bloody nightmare with her and Persie in the same room at times. I used to pretend I had office work to do, even if I didn’t. Anything just to get some peace.”
He takes a mouthful off his drink and I smile. Pepper certainly takes after her dad when it comes to her sass.
“Dexter, I don’t mean to intrude, but the last time we saw you, you mentioned you were on your own, suggesting your parents aren’t around. Can I ask why?”
My stomach drops.
My jaw tightens along with my chest.
I don’t want to hide anymore. Pepper has accepted me for who I am now, and that’s all that matters, but the words are stuck in my throat and I can’t seem to shift them. Time seems to pass for too long, but Andrew doesn’t rush me. He casually drinks his whiskey and puffs on his damn cigar as if this is no big fucking deal.
Downing my drink on one hit, I force out my words, deciding to give him full disclosure. “I haven’t got a family. Not anymore anyway. My home from the age of fourteen was the streets of London where I fought hard to survive because no one else cared. I had a sister who was with me at the time, but she was snatched when she was ten and I’ve never seen her since. The only thing in life I’ve been fortunate enough to gain, until Pepper, is my friend Emmet.”
