The Certainty of Violet & Luke

by Jessica Sorensen

  Glad I chose her over everything else.

  Chapter 21

  Violet

  He’s all over me, his hands touching every inch on my body, his lips struggling not to follow since we’re in the back of a car with Seth and Greyson in the front seat. But once we get into our room, all bets are off as the little lust we’ve been holding inside us combusts. He rips my dress off immediately, then yanks my boots and tears my tights off, so I’m lying in the bed with nothing but a lacy black bra and panties on. The lamp is on so I can see the look in his eyes as he stares down at me. It’s a look of pure lust, want, and something else. Something that makes me extremely uncomfortable and makes me want to run to the tallest building I can find.

  Like I’m something he wants to keep.

  Savor.

  Love.

  Keep safe.

  For a second, I feel all those things, like he’s wrapped me in his emotions and they become part of me. It sends a jolt of undiluted terror through my body and makes my eyes dart to the door.

  Run, Violet, run!

  I quickly forget all about running though as he slips out of his jacket and shirt then covers my body with his. His warmth is like a blanket, the kind that makes me feel safe and protected and so much more. The warmth only grows as he kicks his jeans and boxers off and slips inside me. I don’t even know what’s happening, but every rock of his hips, brush of his hands, how he seems to be touching every inch of me at once, makes me feel like I’m shattering inside, in a way that I don’t quite understand. And when he looks at me, I swear I feel whole again, like he picked up all the pieces that just shattered and mended them together again.

  I feel breathless.

  I feel raw.

  I feel like I’m falling and all I can do is hold onto him and never let go as he pushes me toward the edge of oblivion. And we continue to move with each other, grasping onto one another, breathless, afraid.

  Afraid of letting go completely.

  Afraid of what I feel.

  But I can’t stop myself and I lose it as I feel myself veering toward the end of the fall. He kisses me through it, holds on tight while I break apart and in the middle of it all, I swear I hear him whisper, ‘I love you.’ But it’s so faint and I’m so far lost in my fall that I can’t be certain. Still, it overwhelms me that maybe he does care for me that much, that maybe he does love me. The idea that someone could causes tears to sting the corner of my eyes as I finally crash and shatter all over again. But I manage to suck them back before Luke notices, his breathing hot against my neck as he lies still inside me.

  I hear him sigh, even though I don’t think I was meant to hear it, then he pushes back, sweeps my hair away from my damp forehead, and looks me directly in the eye.

  ‘Tonight was amazing,’ he says then gives me a soft but meaningful kiss.

  I’m trying to stay calm, but I’m losing my shit. Something is going on inside me and I don’t know what it is. Or maybe I do and that’s what’s really scaring me.

  ‘Such a softy,’ I tease, but my voice sounds all wrong, all ragged and breathless.

  He smiles, but there’s confusion in his eyes as he senses my off tone.

  ‘I had fun too,’ I quickly add then kiss him before he can asks questions. If he asks, then I might tell the truth and I’m not ready for the truth yet.

  Still looking lost, he slips out of me, then rolls over to the pillow. ‘Jesus, it’s almost two o’clock,’ he mutters when he picks up his phone.

  ‘You should get some sleep,’ I say. ‘Big game tomorrow.’

  He nods, but he’s looking at me like he can read me like an open book. ‘Are you still coming to that?’

  I shift on the pillow. ‘Of course.’

  He gives me a weary, but content smile, then yawns and moments later he’s passed out in dreamland. About an hour later, I’m still wide-awake and my mind is racing so fast and so wildly it feels like I’m on crank or something. Everything’s all jumbled in my head and I can barely make sense of it, but what I do make sense of cracks me to the core.

  Love.

  Love.

  Love.

  It’s an echo in my head, programmed on repeat, a hauntingly beautiful melody I can’t get rid of. I saw it in Luke’s eyes tonight, but that’s not what’s scaring me. I already knew he felt this way, although I don’t think I took in the full meaning until now. Understood what it – I – meant to him. But what was really terrifying is that for the briefest, heart-splitting, air ripped from my lungs, can’t think, breathe, or process anything, moment, I swear my eyes reflected what was in his. It happened so quickly that my mind is still trying to catch up with it. Either that or I’m in denial.

  I watch Luke sleep for the longest time, listening to his soft breathing. The longer I observe him, the more I’m convinced that I’ve either finally lost my goddamn mind or I’m stupidly and foolishly in love with this guy lying next to me.

  ‘No, it’s not possible,’ I mutter to myself, rubbing my chest as emotions stir inside me, powerful, potent, too much. ‘I’m not supposed to fall in love. I don’t even know what the fuck it is.’ I throw the blankets off me and climb out of bed. I have no initial plans of where I’m going – out is as far as I’ve gotten – when I spot one of the photos from the box sticking out from under the bed. I’d made a mess the last time I put it under there and never cleaned it up. Bending down, I pick it up, then find myself smiling. It’s of my mother and father, her in his arms, wearing her wedding dress. She looks so happy and I feel kind of happy seeing her like that. I’d always had this thought that looking at these photos was going to tear what little of my heart that was left and I was going to bleed dry. But that’s not what’s happen at the moment. No, I feel strangely calm.

  Instead of going out of the room, like I’d planned on doing, I get back in bed with the photo in my hand. I don’t snuggle up to Luke like I usually do, not wanting to bring the emotions that I’ve managed to lullaby to sleep out again without harming myself. I trace each line, each shade, every aspect of their happy faces in the picture, engraining the image of them into my mind.

  ‘This is what I wish I could remember you like,’ I whisper to myself as I grasp onto the photo over my beating heart. I visualize the picture in my head, hoping that when I shut my eyes this is how I will see them, instead of the last time that I saw them. That for once my dreams might be filled with happiness instead of sheer terror.

  It’s the first time I’ve tried it.

  Tried to change things.

  Let things go.

  I wonder if it’s possible.

  Chapter 22

  Luke

  I wake up to the sound of a quiet house and the sunlight blinding me as it shines through the window. It takes me a bit to come out of my disoriented state and let go of the dream I was having where everyone was watching me play the game tonight and I fucked up epically. I didn’t really think I’d ever worry about that shit, but then again, I’ve never actually had people in the stands for me.

  After I’m fully awake, I roll onto my side and spot Violet sitting on the floor wearing one of my t-shirts, her hair in messy bun. She’s hovering over what looks like a Calculus book, tapping a pen against the pages. The fact that she’s doing her homework this early alone is shocking, but what’s really getting to me is the fact that I didn’t hear her wake up. I always here Violet wake up, her gasping ritual too loud to sleep through. Was I that tired? Did I manage to sleep through it finally?

  I sit up in bed and glance around, like the mystery of what’s going on lies somewhere in the garbage and clutter around our narrow room and the dirty laundry on the floor. ‘How long have you been awake?’ I ask, but she doesn’t respond, bobbing her head up and down to a tune only she seems to hear.

  Climbing out of bed, I notice she has earbuds in. She looks totally into her assignment, too, her hand moving ridiculously fast. I almost don’t want to interrupt her, but I also want to get to the bottom of what’s going o
n. So I grab a pair of boxers, slip them on, then settle on the floor beside her. My sudden appearance startles her and she jumps, pressing her hand to her heart.

  ‘Fuck, you scared me,’ she says really loudly, dropping her hand into her lap.

  I reach for the earbud cord and give it a little tug, causing them to fall out of her ears.

  ‘Oh,’ she says then scratches her head. ‘I almost forgot I had those in.’

  I toss the earbuds aside. ‘How long have you been awake?’

  Her eyes rise to the ceiling as she thinks about it. ‘I don’t know … maybe like an hour.’

  I glance over my shoulder and look at the time. A quarter after nine. ‘You woke up voluntarily before ten o’clock? Seriously?’

  She sets the pen down on the open book and rubs her eyes. ‘Yeah, I slept well. Guess my body wakes up earlier when it gets rest.’

  She’s avoiding eye contact me, her head tucked down, strands of her hair hanging into her face. I should just let it go. Clearly whatever’s going on, she wants to keep it to herself. But I can’t fucking help it – I need to know.

  ‘So you slept well?’ I run my hand over my cropped brown hair. ‘Really?’

  She shrugs. ‘Better than I have in a really long time.’

  I pause. Don’t say it. ‘Any nightmares?’ Fuck, why can’t I just keep my dumb mouth shut?

  There’s an elongated pause and then she’s gives her head the softest shake. ‘No,’ she whispers, almost sounding like she’s in pain. I see a tear roll down her cheek, but she swiftly wipes it away with her hand.

  ‘How long has it been since that happened?’ I ask, treading with caution. Another tear escapes her eyes and this time I wipe it away from her cheek myself. I leave my hand there and she relaxes into my touch.

  She squeezes her eyes closed then inhales deeply. ‘Since I was five.’

  This is a huge moment for her, one that she should be celebrating, so her tears are confusing to me. ‘Can you … Can I ask … why you’re upset?’ I know I’m treading on thin water. An emotional Violet usually means instability and the risk of her doing something to herself, but I need to figure out what’s going on, how I can help take the pain away.

  She sucks in another sharp breath. ‘Because I’m afraid of why they stopped.’

  ‘Do you know why? ‘

  ‘Maybe.’

  I waver, unsure what the right thing to say it. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  She quickly shakes her head. ‘No, not right now.’

  I’m not sure what to do, what to say to her, what the hell is going on in her head. Maybe it’s because I can’t see her eyes – they usually give me a sliver of insight into what she’s keeping trapped inside her.

  I fix my finger under her chin and tip it up so I can have a better look at her. Her green eyes are massive, swimming with powerful emotions and glossed with tears. For a brief instant, I’m struck speechless by the sight.

  ‘Please … just tell me what I can do.’ Because I need to do something otherwise I’m going to go crazy worrying about her.

  Her eyes search mine. The longer she studies me, the more the tears subside. ‘You could take me for coffee.’

  I’m thrown for a turn my her simple response. ‘Really? That’s what you need right now?’

  She nods, more at ease. ‘Caffeine seems like the best thing ever right now.’ She gets to her feet and heads for the closet to get some clothes. ‘And a healthy addiction for the most part.’

  It’s like she’s trying to tell me something without actually saying the words aloud. I’m pretty sure I know what it is and the pressure that I’ve had in my chest deflates the slightest bit. I don’t want to get my hopes up, don’t want to just assume that maybe she’s finally going to try and get over her adrenaline addiction, but she’s never actually looked like she means it, like she does right now.

  ‘Alright,’ let’s go get you some coffee, then,’ I say, for once feeling like maybe through all this shit, through everything, just maybe things might be okay.

  Violet and I will be okay.

  Chapter 23

  Violet

  Luke is nervous before the game and I find it adorable. Mr Tough Guy all distracted and unable to focus because his dad is coming to watch him play. Plus, it’s a good distraction from what’s going on in my own life. Last night I had a dream, not a nightmare. The dream was fairly simplistic, Luke and I sitting on this hill, staring at this view I had to have made up myself because it was so bright with colors and sunshine, straight out of a painting gorgeous, that there’s no way it could be real. It was the cemetery my parents are buried in, yet it wasn’t – couldn’t be – because I was too at peace with being so close to it. And my heart understood why. Luke was there with me, my safety net. We weren’t even talking, just sitting and enjoying the quiet. Then I’d slipped my hand into his and that’s when I’d woken up, I was oddly enough holding Luke’s hand. And I’d woke up quietly, soft breathing, slightly disoriented, but in a slumbering way. It’d definitely freaked me out, but instead of doing something irrational, I’d gotten out of bed and thrown all of my concentration into my homework. And surprisingly it helped settle me down.

  ‘So you’ll be okay going up to the stands by yourself, right?’ he asks as he gets ready to leave the apartment. He’s got to go to the stadium quite a bit earlier so I’m going to go with Seth and Greyson later and meet up with Luke’s father and Trevor.

  I roll my eyes as I sit on the bed, watching as a scatter-brained Luke wanders around, throwing stuff to take to the game in a duffel bag. ‘Yes, Luke. I promise I’m competent enough to find my way to the massive stadium that takes up half a block.’

  ‘Okay. Okay.’ He pats his shorts like he’s checking the pockets, even though he doesn’t have pockets. ‘I should get going then.’ He swings his bag over his shoulder and focus on me, then his brows furrow. ‘Why are you looking at me that way?’

  I shrug, pressing my lips together to contain my amusement. ‘What way?’

  ‘Like I’m being funny or something.’

  ‘Maybe because you are.’

  His eyes narrow. ‘What’s going on?’

  My amused smile breaks through. ‘It’s nothing. You just are so nervous and I’m finding it amusing.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad my uneasiness is making you amused.’ He gives me a cold stare, clearing not in a joking mood.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I kneel up on the bed and inch toward the edge of it, closing the space between us. ‘It’s just that I’ve never seen you act this way before.’

  The hardness in his features softens. ‘Sorry.’ He drops his bag on the floor and huffs out a breath as he rakes his fingers through his hair and starts pacing the floor. ‘I’m just freaking out and I have no idea why. It’s not like this is some special game or anything. It’s the same one I’ve been playing since my junior year, yet it feels like the first one.’

  ‘It’s because your dad’s coming,’ I say. ‘At least that’s my two cents.’

  ‘Yeah … And you, too.’ He massages the back of his neck tensely as he stops in front of the bed.

  I point at myself, stunned by his confession. ‘Why do I make you nervous?’

  ‘Why wouldn’t you,’ he says, his gaze locked on mine, his hand still cupping the back of my neck. ‘You mean more to me than him.’ He shrugs as if we’re discussing something as casual as what movie we want to see. ‘More than anyone really.’

  Deep breathes, Violet. Do not freak out. You can do this. ‘Well, then I guess you’re in trouble then, because there’s going to be a whole lot of people there cheering you on.’ I put my hands on his shoulders and look him directly in the eye. My fingers are quiver because I’m fighting back the compulsion to simmer down the emotions inside me the old way and I’m sure Luke can feel the tremor. ‘Should I give you a pep talk? I could even pat your ass before you walk out. That’s what football player’s do, right? To get all pumped up and ready to win.’ My voice come
s out light and I silent breathe in the relief. I did it. Holy shit.

  He relaxes a little. ‘No, I’m good. My nerves will settle before the game starts I’m sure.’ He picks up his bag then pauses, a naughty look dancing in his eyes. ‘You can slap my ass if you want to though.’

  That gets me to grin and then we lean in to kiss each other goodbye. As he turns to leave, I extend my arm out and slap his ass, laughing as I pull back my hand. He flashes me a grin, one that I swear only belongs to me, before he walks out the door.

  I exhale loudly then get out of bed to get ready for my therapy session. I’m nervous about going again, more than I was the first time, because I know what to expect. I’m all over the place right now, battling a demon I’ve been carrying inside me for fifteen years and Lana just might set that demon free, let someone see it other than Luke. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’m half worried and half hoping that it’ll happen. Maybe she can give me some sort of words of wisdom to help me cope with the freaked-out mode I get every time I feel an emotion.

  After bundling up in a coat, boots and gloves I head out the front door with Greyson at my side, since I promised Luke I wouldn’t go the University – or anywhere really – alone.

  ‘How long do you think you’ll be?’ Greyson asks as he drives down the street. There’s a drizzle of rain falling from the clouds and the windshield wipers are on, the heater cranked.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ I reply. ‘Last time it was only for half an hour, but today might take longer.’

  He nods as he makes a right onto a busier street in town. ‘Okay, so do you just want to text me when you’re done? I have to run a few errands anyway.’

  ‘That works for me.’ I thrum my fingers on the sides of my legs, nervous.

  ‘Can I ask what’s got you so restless?’ Greyson asks, noticing my anxiousness.