That pretty, delicate face lifted as she pulled away. Despite the heat, Townsend wanted to snake her arms around her and hold her tight, but she reluctantly let her go. Now Jenna looked into her eyes, her face filled with hope. “You like me?”
“I do,” she found herself whispering. “I haven’t thought of you that way before this minute. But I do.”
“You didn’t think of me that way because…?”
She tried to sort out her thoughts, but they were a jumbled mess. “I guess I put you in the unavailable category. Plus, I’ve spent every minute struggling not to obsess over Hennessy.”
“Trying not to…?”
“Hennessy’s not good for me at this point.” She blew out a breath and just put it out there. “I rely on her too much. My therapist hounds me to date other people. She says Hennessy’s an addiction.”
“How is that possible?” Jenna’s perceptive gaze traveled all over her face, like the answer to her question was hiding in plain sight.
“Dr. Morrow says I need Hennessy because she’s my safety net. And she thinks Hennessy needs to save me from myself. She says we’re holding each other hostage.”
“And she doesn’t think you’d do that with someone else?”
“I might,” Townsend admitted. “But I wouldn’t have the same baggage with someone new. She thinks I’d be able to hold my own.”
“But you don’t want to,” Jenna said, her gaze penetrating.
“I haven’t…” She swallowed, images flooding her mind so thoroughly she felt a little dizzy. It was so fucking hard to think. To reflect. To decide. Consciously. Soberly. The truth was right there, and she made herself say it. “Until today.”
A stunned smile played at Jenna’s lips, but it evaporated in a second. “You love Hennessy.”
“I think I do. But Dr. Morrow says I don’t know what love is yet. She says I’ll figure it out, but she’s probably lying.”
“Why would she lie?” Jenna asked, so adorably innocent.
“She’s a shrink. She can’t afford to have me blow my brains out on her nice rug. That’d screw up her income stream.”
Jenna flinched, still not used to Townsend’s sense of humor. “Are you…?”
“I’m not suicidal. I’m just sad. Dr. Morrow says the only chance Hennessy and I have is if we take a break and grow up a little—apart.” She closed her eyes and let a favorite image of Hennessy enter her mind. Of her sitting on the dock down in Beaufort, her whole being relaxed and satisfied. Her accent thick and slow. Her lovely mouth curled into a sated smile.
“What does she want you to do?”
“What I’ve been doing. Talk to her less. Write less. See her less. Wait for her to come to me, instead of shoving myself at her every two minutes.”
“And…she hasn’t? Come to you?”
Townsend’s body ached with the pain she’d been feeling ever since Hennessy declared she was spending her final weeks in the country with her family—her earlier offer to get together vanishing without comment. “No. She hasn’t. She knows I’d drop everything to be with her. To have some time to say goodbye. But she…” Biting her lip to staunch the tears, she burrowed into Jenna’s embrace when caring arms tightened around her.
“Maybe she needs a break, too.” Jenna was clearly trying to put some enthusiasm in her words, but it wasn’t working well. “Maybe you’ll figure things out while she’s gone. You could transfer to BU or someplace and be close to her when she gets back.”
“Yeah. Maybe.” Townsend pulled away, sucked in a deep breath and tried to get her emotions in check. That was a nice fantasy, but she knew in her heart it wouldn’t happen. Hennessy would never want her that close. Too distracting. “But I think I’ll be right here at Larkspur.” She tried to offer a genuine smile, but couldn’t manage one. “If I’m lucky, you’ll still be my roomie.”
Jenna’s expression turned dark. “I’ll probably be on my mission. I think this will be my last year in Vermont.”
Suddenly, the thought of losing Jenna hit her like a blow. “You really think you’ll have to go?”
“I do. It was a very big concession to get my parents to let me come this far. After my mission, they want me to finish at BYU.”
“Fuck.” Townsend put her hands up to her eyes and rubbed them. A headache was coming on, landing right behind her eyes, as usual.
“We’ll have this year,” Jenna said, a spark of determination coloring her voice. “Once I go back, I’ll never have this kind of freedom. I need to make the most out of my time away.”
Townsend looked at her closely, seeing the desire in her clear eyes. “If you could do anything, what would you do?”
“Anything?” The flush that colored her cheeks again was so damned adorable. Appealing, too, making her look like a girl who wanted to lose her innocence in the worst way.
“Anything.”
It didn’t take her long to make up her mind. “I’d like to kiss you.”
Those questioning eyes roamed all across Townsend’s face, like Jenna was trying to detect the slightest hesitation. Townsend would have called herself a liar if she’d had this thought just an hour earlier, but she didn’t hesitate. Not for a second. “You know my story,” she said softly. “No matter what Dr. Morrow calls it, I’m bound to Hennessy.”
“I understand,” she said, nodding soberly. “And no matter what I want, I’m going to have to go home after this year. Alone.”
“So…you just want to see how it feels to kiss a girl?” Her whole body was heating up, like someone had cranked up her thermostat.
Jenna’s eyes closed as her lips parted. How had Townsend never noticed how lovely they were? Pink and smooth and full. “I just want to know what I’m missing.”
Townsend leaned to her right, letting her body rest against Jenna’s. “Let’s see what we’ve been missing,” she agreed.
A hand caressed her cheek, then soft, supple lips settled upon her own. Townsend breathed in, amazed by the sensations that filled her. Concern, and tenderness and care. Care for Jenna. For the awful situation she was in. But it was the desire that surprised her. Pulsing, pounding desire. Desire she hadn’t felt since she’d held Hennessy in her arms. Her body wanted more. Much, much more.
Fingers slid down her neck, then trailed across sensitive skin to pull her close. Her mouth opened as Jenna’s tongue slipped inside, making the pulse between her legs beat with an insistent thrumming. She wasn’t sure if she’d pushed or Jenna had fallen, but soon they were on their sides, mouths pressed together rabidly. Jenna hadn’t had sex before. Townsend was sure of that. But she’d clearly fantasized about it a lot. No one got this hot this fast unless they’d been craving it like crazy. She couldn’t just jump in, though. This meant something to Jenna. She was consciously diving into a pool full of sin. “Is this what you want?” Townsend asked, breaking away from a heated kiss.
“Yes.” Complete confidence. “I want you.”
“Are you sure?”
Jenna pulled away and lifted up, resting on a braced arm. Her gaze burned with determination. “Every person I’ve asked, every book I’ve read, every therapist I’ve gone to tells me this is wrong. But it’s what I want. It’s what I need.”
“You want…?” Townsend was blown away. She didn’t just want a few kisses.
“I do,” she said. “I don’t know what to do, but I know what I want.”
She searched her eyes for the answer. “Tell me what you want, Jenna.”
Placing her hand on Townsend’s shoulder, she let it trail down until it settled on her biceps. Her eyes grew wide as it moved forward, inch by inch, then brushed over her breast, which instantly tingled with sensation. “I want to touch you. Everywhere.”
Thoughts of Hennessy filled her mind. Then Jenna’s fingers found her nipple, making it harden as she stared at it, clearly enthralled.
Townsend had promised Hennessy she’d get serious about therapy. And she had. That meant following her therapist’s advice, even wh
en it seemed crazy. She couldn’t delude herself into thinking she was doing this for Hennessy’s sake, but she was determined to break her addiction to her beloved baby girl so she might be able to love her as a person, not a crutch. If this is what it took….
Forcing Hennessy from her mind, she shifted her hips and looked down on Jenna, face flushed with desire, lips parted, her gorgeous eyes looking at Townsend for care, for guidance. She dipped her head and placed a lush kiss to her lips, lost in sensation.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Hennessy charged off the plane, rushing to make use of every minute she’d have with Townsend. It wasn’t going to be a lot of minutes, just sixty, but she’d gone out of her way to route through Boston, and Townsend had gone out of her way to drive down from Vermont to send her off.
She was nervous—embarrassingly so. Not just about having to say goodbye to Townsend for a year, but at the thought of leaving the country. She knew there were plenty of problems in America, but she loved her country and all of its quirks, and wasn’t looking forward to being immersed in a new culture. It was necessary for her mental health, though. She’d never admit this to Townsend, but a big part of the reason she’d tried for the program was to get some breathing room. Once she was out of the country she could excuse away Townsend’s distance as required, rather than chosen.
After barreling around a corner, she saw her—finally. Standing in line for a coffee, looking good enough to eat. How could the woman continue to look better and better? Blonde hair a little longer now, sleek and straight as it lay against her toned shoulders. Jeans that fit like they were made just for her showed off the mouth-watering curve of her ass. Hennessy was staring right at it when Townsend turned and met her gaze.
“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”
“That’s one of my expressions,” Hennessy said, laughing nervously. Their bodies connected, arms encircling the other as they held on for a long, gentle hug. “I’ve missed you,” Hennessy murmured, letting her face linger against Townsend’s sweet smelling neck.
“I’ve missed you, too.” Townsend put her hands on Hennessy’s arms and gently moved her away. As her eyes shifted to her hands, she let out a laugh. “We’re about six shades different, baby girl. I was outside all summer, and I believe I’ve proven that sunblock can work.”
“Maybe I don’t put it on as often or as well as I should.” Hennessy felt very sheepish around her, and had a hard time maintaining eye contact.
“It’s almost my turn. What can I get you?”
“Any kind of tea.”
“It’s nice to know there are a few things I can rely on. Your tea consumption is one of them.”
Once they had their drinks, they left the coffee shop and went to an empty gate, where they could stretch out and talk in private.
Streams of people bustled for position as they barreled down the concourse. Everyone in a hurry to go—to fly away. But sitting so close to Townsend, looking into those mesmerizing eyes, smelling her fresh, sweet scent made Hennessy want to tear her ticket into a thousand pieces, latch onto Townsend’s leg, and beg to be allowed to stay.
But she had far too much pride for that. All she could do was look her in the eye and make her case. Hennessy had been rehearsing her speech for weeks now, and thought she had it down. But she was still as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. She gathered up her courage and began, “We haven’t had much time to talk, in person at least, and I wanted to tell you about some things I’ve discovered.”
Townsend raised an eyebrow. “Discoveries, huh? Sounds serious.”
“It is,” Hennessy said, trying to control the tremor in her voice. “I think I’ve figured a lot of things out. One of them, the big one, is that I’m now confident I’m gay.” She hadn’t said that to anyone except Robyn, and it gave her a chill. A good chill.
Townsend searched her eyes carefully. “You honestly weren’t sure before?” she asked, a puzzled smile curling her lips.
“No, I guess not.” Taking in a quick breath, she let it out in a flurry of words. “I figured that since I was having such a hard time being comfortable about any kind of intimacy I must not have been totally sure.” She sucked in a breath. “But I am now.”
“Good.” Townsend gave her an encouraging smile and a slap on the leg. “How do you feel about that?”
That brought her up short. She’d expected some form of excitement. “I feel good about it. Settled.”
Townsend leaned close, slid her arms around Hennessy’s waist, and hugged her gently. “You’re going to feel so much better having that settled.”
Hennessy swallowed. “I know… I know it’s asking a lot, but if there was any way you could wait for me…” She knew her cheeks were as red as a spanked baby’s bottom, but she’d never put herself out there so boldly.
Townsend looked as if someone had just told her her puppy had been hit by a car. She dropped her face into her open hands, and sat there for a moment, clearly trying to get hold of herself. When she looked up again, her voice shook when she spoke.
“I’m…”
For some reason, she shook her hands, like they’d fallen asleep. Hennessy had never seen her look so nervous, so unsure of herself, and it frightened her to death. This was bad. Really bad. She could feel a bus hurtling toward her, and she couldn’t even flinch.
“When I decided to start really listening to my therapist, I never knew if I was blindly following someone who didn’t know a damn bit more than I did, or if I was listening to someone who was going to help me save my own life.” She took in a massive breath and let it out slowly, eyes closed. “I think everything she’s told me so far has been helpful.” She dropped her head a little bit, and as her eyes opened, her gaze traveled to the floor. “One of the things she convinced me to do was pull away from you as much as possible.”
Hennessy felt as though she would choke on her own tears, but she held it together. “It’s good to know that was her idea, not just yours.”
“I wanted to talk to you, to tell you I needed more space, but…my therapist told me not to. She said it was best to back away and…” Her eyes squeezed shut. “Just back away.”
Hennessy shoved her hands under her thighs, squeezed against the plastic seat. If that damned therapist was here now…
Townsend looked at her, clearly seeking understanding. “My will was so weak at that point. One word from you would have shattered my resolve.”
“Your resolve to cut me out of your life,” she managed, her voice so full of anger she couldn’t get another word out.
“No! Never that! I wasn’t trying to cut you out of my life in any way.” She tugged on Hennessy’s hand, grasping it to tuck it between both of her own. “I needed some distance, to know that I could live my life by myself, for myself.”
Maybe…maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad… Nodding enthusiastically, Hennessy said, “That’s just what I wanted for you.”
“I know that,” Townsend said quietly. “You had good instincts. The problem is…it went a little further than that.”
Hennessy could see her swallow, could see her pulse pounding rapidly where the collar of her shirt brushed against her pale skin. Her own heart started to beat heavily in her chest. “How much further did it go?”
“It went pretty far.” She bit her lips so hard they lost much of their color, leaving her with pale indentations that lasted for a few seconds. A few seconds where Hennessy’s anxiety skyrocketed. “My therapist has been bugging me to start dating…someone…anyone…other than you.”
“She doesn’t even know me!”
“No, but she knows me. She knows how I feel about you. She knows the hold you have over me. She knows how big the power imbalance is between us.”
“Power imbalance? What in the hell?” Hennessy jumped to her feet, an attack of dizziness sending her right back into her chair, shaking. “Every couple has imbalances. Are you supposed to be with someone exactly like you? Is tha
t some kind of psychiatrist jargon?”
“No…” She shook her head. “Well, maybe. But the fact is, for the first year of our relationship I was a child. A petulant child always trying to get her way.”
“You weren’t—” Hennessy stopped and let a few memories flow through her mind. Of Townsend doing everything possible to trick her into kissing her, of touching her, of sleeping with her. “Okay, you were. But you’ve changed since then. You’ve changed so much.”
“I have. But I’m still desperate to please you, to make you proud of me. To get your approval.” Sadness filled her beautiful green eyes. “If I disappointed you, if I hurt you, if I broke your heart, it would destroy me, Hennessy. Can’t you see that?”
All of the emotion she’d been trying to bottle up started to flow from her. “No, I cannot. What matters is having someone who loves you completely, and wants nothing but the best for you. That’s me! You’ll never find someone who loves you as much as I do!” She was shaking like a leaf and knew that her voice was barely understandable. “I love everything about you; the wounded parts, the resilient parts, the perfect parts that nothing’s been able to mar. All of them!”
“I know that,” Townsend said quietly. “But even if we didn’t have the power imbalance, my therapist doesn’t think it’s good for me to get more deeply involved with you. At least, not right now.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t want to make too big a deal out of this, but you’re only a lesbian in your head. If you change your mind or find it isn’t right for you”—she shrugged—”she thinks it would affect my sobriety if you couldn’t commit.” Townsend looked at her earnestly. “She thinks it, but I know it would affect my sobriety if we couldn’t make it. The stakes are too high.”
“So, you’re going to go out with other people.”
The Right Time Page 34
