by Amie Gibbons
I stared at him.
Was that what I’d been doing?
Yeah, I was pissed when Quil wanted to have sex barely after meeting me because in my head that meant he didn’t like me that much.
Carvi smiled. “Okay. So I think we got through that. I’m also assuming you never had sex drunk again.”
That one I could answer.
I shook my head. “Nope, glass of wine or three, sure, but anything beyond that, nope.”
“Now we’re getting into you and Grant. When was the next time you were that helpless again?”
I jerked back, starin’ at him. “Holy crap on a cracker.”
He nodded. “You were kidnapped. You were helpless. And from what I have seen in your head, you were about to be raped. The others left the guy who’d been eyeing you as your guard and he said something about knowing he had twenty minutes while the second guard got food.”
I flinched.
I hadn’t remembered that part.
“And you panicked,” Carvi said. “You were tied up and helpless and you froze. And, with timing out of a movie, which yes, you have thought of it as.”
I smiled, nodding as I looked down.
“Grant busted in and he put the guy down. He put him down with one punch. He untied you, he saved you. He saved you from being traumatized again, and in your head, you tied those two events together, and saw Grant as someone who could have protected you if he’d been there that night.”
“And I’ve been in love with him since,” I said.
“No,” Carvi said.
“What?” My head snapped up.
“No. You’ve been fixated on him ever since,” Carvi said. “You’ve had a case of hero worship ever since. You do care about Grant. You may even love him as a friend. But that reaction when you found out he has a girlfriend was not about love. That was jealousy. More than that, it was panic at the realization that he wasn’t your hero, because if he wasn’t your hero, that means the trauma actually happened.”
I shook my head and Carvi held up a hand.
“Ariana, you had dealt with how you lost your virginity somewhat before. But you never dealt with it fully, and when you were kidnapped, that old trauma came up. That event brought it out into the light, and then Grant saved you.
“You were retraumatized by the kidnapping and the risk of rape, but this time, you were saved, and you haven’t dealt with the trauma of the kidnapping and near rape, or the rest of the trauma of losing your virginity as badly as you did, because you were able to hide behind Grant. He was your shield. He was your protector.”
“No, but…”
Carvi nodded. “And today, you found out he wasn’t. That was on top of him wanting to get away from you because you crossed a line with him, and him saying that. And that hurt because it’s him rejecting you, like your first did, and it knocked him off that pedestal you put him on because your hero betrayed you.
“That made your hero human, and if he’s human, it means he can’t play the part of savior in your brain anymore, and now you have to deal with the pain caused all those years ago because the shield you were using to protect yourself from it is now gone.”
“Grant isn’t fully human,” I said, voice thick with something I didn’t understand.
“You know what I mean. When I was pushing you, I knew how far I could go because I can literally read your mind, so even though I was pushing you and you were thinking I was getting rapey rapey, you weren’t upset about it. Why? Because part of you knows I wouldn’t do that, that I’m a good dom who knows how far to push a sub, and part of you knew that Grant would take my ass down if you were wrong about me and I did push you too far.
“And on top of that, Grant passed the good guy test. You were under the influence of something, me, and Grant did want to fuck you, and he said no because he knew it would be taking advantage. You said you had never put yourself in that situation again. You’d never had sex drunk again.
“This was the first time since then that you made yourself vulnerable like that, made the same offer, and this time the guy passed. He said no.
“That made him more perfect in your eyes. That proved he was the hero of the story to you. And you just lost that. Today, you lost your hero and that means you have to face what happened to you. Two years ago, and eight. And that’s a lot to deal with.”
“No, but no,” I said. “Truck kidnapped me, and he did want more and I even kissed him and I was fine with it, well, not fine, but not freaking out.”
“Yes, you did. Why?”
“Because I had to.”
“Go deeper, what happened?”
“Truck was threatenin’ to grab an innocent girl and rape her in front of me for my disobedience.”
“You offered yourself instead,” Carvi said. “So what’s different about that scenario?”
I scrunched up my nose. “I… ummmmm. I offered?”
“Yes.”
“But I offered it to my boyfriend when I didn’t want to, why was this different?”
“Same reason you sleeping around was. You chose it, and you did so knowing full well what it would entail. When you lost it, you didn’t know what you were giving up. You slept with guys to get better at it, and probably to give your first less of a special place. You used them to learn on and they used you for sex and everyone was fine since it was a transaction everyone understood.
“You chose the transaction with Truck. In that situation, it even seems like you found you had power over him because you did have something he wanted. He wanted a connection too. He wanted a willing partner, maybe someone he could keep with him, to go kill with him so he wouldn’t be alone.”
“So he wanted to do to me what I was tryin’ to do to my boyfriend? Make a connection to have a partner?”
“Exactly. And this time you were the one holding that card. You didn’t consciously realize it, but you did subconsciously, and that’s why you were able to stay calm, to stay in control. Because you knew you had that power.”
Something welled in my chest and I buried my head in my knees.
Something was about to break. Everything in me swelled and I held my knees to myself, trying to keep it in.
“Ariana,” Carvi said, voice as sweet and gentle as I’d ever heard it.
“How could he just throw me away?”
I didn’t even know which guy I was talkin’ about.
“I can’t answer that, but it’s okay to cry, lea. You need to cry. You need to start processing this. It’s okay. Nobody can hear you but me and I am encouraging it. Because it will help you deal.”
“I don’t have time to deal right now,” I said to my knees.
“Yes, you do. We’re inside the astral plane. Time moves slower here. It’s only been a few minutes. And if you’re going to be on your game, you need to deal. It’s o-kay.”
“But I’m the psychic. They need me. I have to be strong.”
“You’re right, on all of that. So be strong. Face the pain, let yourself feel it. Being strong doesn’t mean shoving the pain down, it means dealing with it so it doesn’t control you. Shoving it down is running. Is you running you being strong?”
I shook my head.
“But there’s a time and place,” I said.
“Yes, and we’re way past that. You already blew up your dirty laundry all over the investigation. It’s in the past. You handled something traumatic badly. Oh well. But you already broke. The wound’s already open. You will be useless until you let yourself grieve. Be strong. Face it.”
The dam inside me broke, the swelling popping like a pimple and I wailed, holding myself tighter and rocking as I started crying like all this had happened yesterday and not years ago.
###
I cried until I couldn’t anymore, until there was nothin’ left. I was a shell.
I lifted my head.
Carvi was in the same place, waitin’ like he had all the time in the world.
“We should get back to work,”
I said.
He nodded. “If you’re up for it, the landscape has been lighting the fuck up for a while now. I think something about what we discovered here is tied to the case.”
I stared stupidly at him, finally saying, “Huh?”
“Lea, whatever this thing is, it’s tied to pain, the type of pain you’re dealing with. Because while you’ve been crying and sorting things out in your head, the astral plane has been lighting up in the exact places we know these men died. I was about to pull you out of it if I needed to because it’s been getting brighter.”
“Is it still doing it?” I asked, looking around.
“Not right now.”
“So this is all tied to, what, broken hearts?” I asked.
“I think it’s more specific than that,” Carvi said. “Everyone over a certain age, besides monks and nuns, has had a broken heart. Everyone in the city would be dying. But it’s only men, it’s all over the place, and seems random. That’s telling.”
“I think you need to stop slow walkin’ me towards this,” I said. “I’m so outta it, just tell me.”
“I can’t. I don’t know. But I can tell you, whatever ghost or curse or whatever this is, you called to it with your pain. And it answered.”
A ping made my head jerk up.
Carvi looked around.
“Carvi,” I said slowly, “what was that?”
“I… think that is the ghost striking again.”
“Where?”
I already knew the answer and jerked out of the astral plane.
I opened my eyes and lurched off the couch, legs not stiff enough for how much time I’d felt pass in there.
I ran into the kitchen, Carvi right behind me, and Quil and Mender looked up.
“Where’s Grant?” I asked.
“Agent Ryder,” Mender sighed, “this really isn’t the ti-”
“He’s in danger! Where is he!”
Crash rang through the house from upstairs.
By the time I turned around, Carvi was already halfway up and Quil blew past me. I ran after them.
A scream shattered the air as Carvi cleared the top stair and I pushed up them, taking ‘em fast as I could with little legs.
What had me and my pain unleashed?
###
By the time I cleared the stairs, the guys were already in the bedroom.
“Shit!” came out and Carvi blew backwards out of the room like something way bigger than him kicked him square in the chest.
He slammed into the wall across the hall, smashing a giant picture frame with lots of little pictures collage style in it, and fell to the ground, glass raining down around him before the wooden frame bonked him on the head.
“You okay?” I asked as I jumped over his legs.
He growled.
I’d take that as a yes.
I ran into the room.
And slammed to a stop.
The dresser across from the bed had a large three-way mirror over it.
And inside all of them, naked and obviously not ashamed.
Was me.
Three of me stood in the mirror, staring out at the guys, hands on hips and back straight to make my chest stand out.
The me in the mirror smirked and raised a hand, like she was waving at me.
But her eyes were glued to Grant.
He stood right in front of the mirror, face blank and eyes glazed.
Heather was slumped in the corner in between the nightstand and backwall, head bleeding from a gash over her left eye.
Where was Quil?
“You won’t stop me,” she said, voice twisted with rage but obviously mine. “You think you can do that? You think you can just use me and get away with it? You think there aren’t consequences? You’re wrong. And you know it. You’re a terrible person. You know you deserve this. It’s karma. For all the pain you caused. For ripping through life without regard for anyone else. For anyone’s feelings! Don’t you know? The worst spot in Hell is reserved for those who betray!”
She flicked her wrist as she screamed the last word and disappeared, leaving only Grant’s reflection.
Was that it?
Was it over?
Grant whirled and marched towards the bathroom.
“No,” I whispered.
My legs wouldn’t move.
“Carvi!” I screamed. “I can’t move!”
“Working on it,” he said, voice strained. “I’m having the same problem.”
“It’s got Grant!”
He growled and scraping said he was makin’ progress. He inched up to me, arms clawing the air to pull him forward like he was dragging himself through drying cement.
Glass shattered in the bathroom.
“He doesn’t deserve this!” I screamed. “Please, please don’t hurt him!”
“A man who takes away a girl’s innocence like that is no man. He’s a predator. And he deserves to be punished,” my own voice said from all around like it was on surround sound.
“But Grant didn’t do that! It wasn’t him!”
Carvi pulled himself forward, inch by painfully slow inch.
Why wasn’t I hearing anything?
I jerked my arms and tried to lurch like Carvi was, and nothing would move.
A scrapping and the heavy steps of big boots on hard porcelain made my heart stall.
And I knew. I knew what it was going to make Grant do.
The exact same thing the man this morning did.
Slit his wrists.
“No!” I screamed. “The boy who did that to me wasn’t Grant. I’m mad at him, and I’m hurt, but if jerks who took virginity is what you’re going after, it wasn’t him! Please, leave him. You want to punish someone, punish me, take me. I’m just as responsible as the boy eight years ago, trust me!”
Scraping, delicate and barely audible met my ears.
And I fell forward, stumbling and pinwheeling as the air let me go.
Carvi shot forward and half slammed into the bedpost, ricocheting off it and into the bathroom.
I ran in.
Quil was lurching up from the ground near the toilet as Carvi shot by him and into the large walk-in closet, grabbing a handful of towels.
I smelled it before my eyes registered what I was seeing.
The tang of copper on the air.
Metal.
Grant lay in the tub, one arm stretched in front of him, the other hand loose, with a razor half laying out of it on his thigh.
Three long red lines ran up his arm, deep and pouring blood, the flow obviously already slowing.
I hit my knees.
Not Grant.
No.
Not because of me.
The world needed him.
The world stopped.
For a moment I saw my fast as ninjas vampires suspended, both half lunging towards the tub.
Tryin’ to save him.
“Please,” I whispered, “please God save him. He doesn’t deserve this. I don’t care if I just fixated on him and I’m not actually in love with him. Take me, punish me, but save him. He doesn’t deserve this. Even the boy I lost it to wouldn’t deserve this. Please. Grant’s a good man. And the world is a better place with him in it.”
The vampires suddenly moved. They pulled Grant outta the tub.
“Ariana, move!” Quil said.
I jumped up and backed away.
Quil grabbed Grant’s head, slicing his own wrist so fast against his fangs I barely saw it. He put his wrist to Grant’s lips as Carvi grabbed Grant’s left arm and started licking the wounds.
But Grant was already dead.
Wasn’t he?
Would the ghost let us go if he weren’t?
Carvi pulled back and the wounds closed and Quil adjusted Grant’s head, trying to hold it up and get the blood spilling into my boss’s mouth to go down.
“Carvi?” Quil said.
“I know,” Carvi said, moving behind Grant and holding the bigger man against his chest.
Carvi started muttering under his breath as Quil repositioned himself in front of them, holding his wrist to Grant’s lips and stroking Grant’s neck with his free hand.
Tryin’ to get him to swallow?
I watched.
And waited.
And repeated my prayers.
Grant wasn’t even all human. Could this thing really kill him so easily?
“There!” Carvi said, making me jerk.
Relief washed through me and I slumped against the counter, sinking to my bottom.
Quil shook his head as he backed up and stood.
Wait, what?
Why was he shaking his head?
Quil turned around and met my eyes, pity shining from his.
“No,” I said. “But, he just said there. Like something had happened. No.”
“Lea,” Carvi said, scooching back and laying Grant on the ground.
“No!” I said.
“Lea, we’ve preserved his body, he could live.”
I sobbed, covering my mouth with my hands.
“But his spirit isn’t in there,” Carvi said. “If we go back into limbo, I’m guessing it’ll be there.”
I shook my head like that’d make it go away.
Carvi nodded. “Trapped. Like the others.”
Chapter seven
“What now?” I asked.
“We keep investigating,” Mender said.
After the freeze over the house broke, Mender had busted into the bathroom. She’d watched the whole thing with the vampires trying to save Grant. I hadn’t even noticed her.
“We find the bastard doing this, and we make him release these souls,” she continued.
“Her,” I said, voice thick as Mama’s stew. “It’s a woman. She’s getting revenge on guys who take virginity.”
Mender looked at me, then at Grant’s lifeless form.
“No,” I said. “But… what Carvi and I were talkin’ about, was some kind of transference thing I got goin’ over here. And the ghost is going after men who take virginity and, as she seems to see it, then betray the women. I… I don’t know, Carvi can explain it.”
“She never got over losing her virginity badly,” Carvi said. “It was dragged back up when she was nearly raped and Grant saved her. She has been using him as a mental shield against dealing with either traumatic event since. When her hero fell tonight, the ghost must have latched onto those feelings of betrayal mixed with what she was repressing, and thought it was Grant.”
